Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Bat Shit Crazy.

I have been in Knoxville, TN for three months now.  I'm going bat shit crazy.  I am struggling with the depressed side of my bipolar disorder even more than usual.  It's difficult because I don't know anyone and am so far away from my family.  I'm homesick and miss the house that we sold to come out here.

I haven't made any friends yet because well, when I'm depressed and anxious, being sociable isn't high on my to do list.  Hell, just waking up in the morning is a gold star day as of late.  I decided last night that things have to change.  I've gained even more weight, which stinks because the "plan" was to lose weight considering I live on the third floor and am constantly going up and down stairs to walk the dogs AND there is a friggin' fitness center onsite. (Which I haven't stepped foot into)

I feel disconnected from Jen and get frustrated because she doesn't understand what I'm going through.  I feel very alone and while my logical side knows that's just the depression talking, it doesn't make me not feel it.  She is very consumed with work, which is normal for her--I'm used to it.  But when things get shitty at work and she's not receiving praise for her actions by her boss or other corporate people then she questions why she took the job... that begins an awful cycle for me because I think to myself, "Look, if you don't know why the hell you took the job, then why the fuck am I here?"  I could be back in Virginia in a house with a fenced in yard for the dogs to play in safely and on a culdesac--where Chad had friends and I could trust most of the time that he was playing safely.

I could be two and half hours from the beach instead of nine! I would be employed. Etc, etc, etc.  As of late, she has begun "joking" about getting fired and how she would much rather be demoted because then she wouldn't owe the company money for the relocation... OH MY GOD! While I realize that is her way of coping with the stress of work and the pressures put on her by her boss and corporate standards, it doesn't make it any easier on me.

I swore this year that I wasn't going to fight with Chad over homework and school work because I'm back to working on my Master's degree and have my own shit to worry about.  I am also trying to force Jen into being more involved in Chad's school stuff and his life in general.  He craves her attention soooo much and frequently, when she gets home from work, she's stays on the phone dealing with work shit or just zones out and doesn't want to do anything.  He has learned how to guilt trip her as a means of getting what he wants, but I call him on it.  For instance, the other day he was in the back seat of the car and he randomly said something about how Jen was going to get promoted and then we'd be moving again and he'd have to leave all the friends that he's just made, etc... and I called him on it, in front of her.  Yet she still frequently gets pissed off at me for the tone I take with him or for calling him out on his bullshit.  Okay, well it's called manipulation and it's not right for anyone to do, especially a fucking sixth grader.

He commented about how we've moved even more than his dad has (his dad is military and has been for about 3-4 years...) While he's not wrong, it's irrelevant. I tried to tell him that middle school was a whole different ballgame from elementary school and that he's going to have to study and make an effort to have good grades.  Well he already has an F in math, which happens to be one of his favorite subjects.  The first test they took he got a 22 on.  Yes, 22 out of 100.  I found out about it at the Open house, a day after he got the results back.  The teacher had given students a chance to correct the problems they missed and show their work to receive 1/2 of their points back and increase the chances of getting a passing grade.  He opted to not redo the problems and kept a 22.

On the plus side, he's gotten a little better about being honest.  It's crazy how much that kid wants to lie, and about the dumbest shit, even though he knows that he gets in more trouble for lying than he does telling the truth.  Crazy.  Fucking Crazy.

I know he's a boy and all but my god... I just want to shake him.  I had him bring me his social studies homework that is due this coming Friday that he finished in class and half of it wasn't done, he bullshitted it to look complete and half assed it so that he could do other things when he got home. Anything but homework.  He admits to being lazy about it... and at this point, all I say is, okay, but you are doing it to yourself.

I don't have it in me to fight over it.

All I do is sleep.  I think about all the things I should accomplish or I look around the apartment to see it trashed and the shit I'll have to clean up, one more day, day after day and I get overwhelmed and I go to sleep.  I'm exhausted.

So, to sum things up, Jen and are just as disconnected as ever and I'm still bitter about her taking this job without talking to me about it.  We also established a couple of weeks ago that we still don't trust each other after four years have gone by since our "mishap." I won't go into that at this time.  Her phone goes off nonstop at all hours of the night, but I get one text message and I have to hear, "Oh who's blowing you up tonight?" For fucks sake already.

Chad is chad and is going to pretty much do whatever the hell he wants, despite me being the bitchy mom or wicked stepmother and taking shit away from him and grounding him.

I'm unemployed...I've gone to a couple of interviews but nothing that actually turned into anything.  I was offered a temp position for a two week assignment that paid ten dollars an hour and I was on board because well it's more than I'm making just being at home.  But I had to tell them the day before that I couldn't do it because I was too depressed.  In all actuality, the thought of going to work gave me a panic attack and made me curl up into an even bigger ball of "blah."

So change is needed.  This morning I got up at 750 and started my day.  I began cleaning the apartment, made myself a healthy smoothie for breakfast; sat outside and read the required reading for my current class; started laundry, etc.  I haven't taken a nap or anything at this point... which is huge considering that I've been sleeping until about two in the afternoon and only getting up because I have to go get Chad from school.

I've decided to eat better and to drink more water. I've given up soda.  Not only have I been getting fatter, my skin looks like shit lately, and I know all the bullshit crap food I eat isn't helping my mental state.

I've also decided that I need to write more, so I'm going to get back into blogging and while my goal is daily, I may have to work my way up to that.

Oh, one more thing to bitch about before I go is the fact that I don't have insurance.  Jen said she was going to call around June 26th or so when same-sex marriage became recognized nationwide to see if it qualified as an event with the insurance to where I could get on her plan since mine was ending.  She told me a couple of weeks ago that she talked to someone and that had I been within 45 days of losing my own insurance then I could have jumped onto her policy.  But instead she waited too long to call and I missed the fucking window.  So now, I'm without insurance, pretty damn close to running out of antidepressants and can't afford to go to talk to anyone or find a new doctor here anyway.  This is a prime example of one of my pet peeves.  Jen is an adult, I shouldn't have to hound her and nag her to do things... yet I do.  She's gotten better about some, but not in all areas and then I get to be the bad guy because I'm always worried about shit and she's just kind of like whatever about them.  Drives me fucking crazy. Bat. Shit. Crazy.

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