I knew I hadn't blogged in a while and to be honest I really missed it. I did not however realize that it's been over a year since I last set down to dump my brain and empty my thoughts in front of the computer screen. Blogging used to be my "go to" method of preventative "flipping out"--but as of late I've opted for internalizing and then a glorious display of combustion. It works so much better (not.)
Jen was offered a promotion with her company in mid-January 2015 and accepted (without even weighing the pros and cons or discussing it officially with me). I knew she was being considered, she had gone through the interview process but we never actually sat down and talked about how it would affect us, our family, our lives in general; instead, I got a text that said, how do you feel about Knoxville, TN? To which I replied something along the lines of a smart ass response in reference to UTs football team or something, I don't remember. I got home to discover she had already accepted the offer.
I have felt all kinds of emotions through this whole process and I can't honestly tell you which instance has been the most painful or difficult, but I can tell you, when you have your wife of two years, the woman you've been seeing for like six years (around that time) just make a life altering decision without even taking your thoughts and feelings into consideration, it hurts. It really hurts. There's no better way for me to put it. It just fucking sucks.
Part of her promotion came with a relocation package. This package included a company that helped us sell the house, offered packers, movers, etc and spousal job finding assistance....woohoo... I'm glad someone was thinking about the fact that one of us was going to not have a job soon, because funny thing was, my wife didn't seem to take that into consideration. She hopped on the more money train quick and played the "I did it for my family" card and it took everything in me not to punch her in the face.
One thing I learned a long time ago about Jen is that she is a workaholic. She is driven, quite capable, and thrives on positive feedback from her superiors. She is good at what she does. She however, can't turn it off. She tries, but she lives, eats, and breathes her work and sometimes I don't even think she realizes it. She assured me that with this promotion she'd have more "at home" time because she'd be able to work from home on some of the days and have more flexibility in her schedule... um okay. I was/am skeptical to say the least.
By February 1 she was already living in TN in corporate housing and had begun her new role. I was left in VA with all of the household responsibilities, the kid (yes folks...the little boy, or Lil man I've been writing about all these years is now 11 and finishing up 5th grade now), two dogs, working full time, going to school full time....OH WAIT... I didn't mention that part did I? I went back to school last fall (online) to get my Master's degree in Safety, Security, and Emergency Management through Eastern Kentucky University. My concentration is Occupational Safety. Well, it was...I had to quit for a while until this move is over because I couldn't handle everything that was on my plate and requirements of a graduate level course. I managed to keep a 4.0 before I stopped though, so at least when things calm down I'll be able to go back in good standing.
I had to get the house ready to sell. The house we'd only lived in for two years that I loved and never planned on leaving. Jen wasn't on the deed so I had to do all kinds of extra shit to get her on it so we could qualify for the relocation perks offered by her company... and since I had nothing to do, it was fine. (I hope you are reading all the sarcasm I'm throwing here.)
Luckily, my mom is awesome and even though she and my dad are retired down on Hatteras Island, NC, she regularly drove up to help me with the kid if he had holidays or was going to be out of school for multiple days. She also did all the painting and helped me get the house ready for the market. We put the house on the market the beginning of March anticipating about three months to sell it...I wasn't going to move until school was over so that it wouldn't screw up things for Chad...
Well lucky us (and I shouldn't complain) but the house sold in 21 days. So much quicker than anticipated. I'm now squatting in my grandma's upstairs with Chad, no internet, getting serenaded nightly by a band of lunatic foxes that may have eaten the cat I brought out to the country with me, that's a story for another day. I'm all over the place here.
Now we are here, May 16th... we have a third floor apartment in Knoxville, TN which is where Jen is with the two dogs (which I miss terribly) and I feel guilty about having to put in an apartment and not having a yard to run around in or a place like grandmas house in the country that I can take them on weekly drives to where than can just run without leashes and be free... it breaks my heart.
I do nothing but fight with Chad because he's acting out most of the time because he's pissed off that we have to move and that we sold the house because the whole reason we bought a house was so that we didn't have to keep moving him around...he's got to leave all his friends behind, etc. He's getting more excited about TN, but the fact is, he sees his mom on average every 2-3 weeks for no more than about 3 days and even then she's on the phone dealing with work stuff or distracted and somewhere else.
I'm having a hard time because me being the bipolar one here... I'm still sticking with my meds but I've had to do unscheduled calls/visits to my doctor to do med adjustments because I've gotten really depressed and at one point stopped going to work for a whole week. (Luckily it was around spring break and Chad wasn't with me so it didn't affect his life any)... June 12th is my last day of work. When I have no work, I have no insurance. My doctor is in VA but I'll be in TN... with no insurance, I'm not sure how all this will work out. Without insurance some of my meds are more than 1000 bucks a month...
I have no job lined up in TN yet and haven't even been able to apply to more than a handful because of not having internet access out at grandmas house. When I'm at work I'm working so I cant, bs and apply for jobs... especially since I'm training my replacement right now.
My life has been turned upside down. I've dropped everything, given up everything. I'm walking into one unknown after another. Jen and I are so disconnected it's ridiculous. Somedays I really do feel like that if she didn't need a babysitter we wouldn't even be together.
Part of me is just waiting to get to TN, where the only thing I'll have is my stuff and shit will hit the fan.... I'll have no job, no family, no anything and then she'll blindside me with some other bullshit. This is a great feeling to have.
Next weekend is my birthday and we're not even talking productively on the phone. Shes in a fucked up mood and the last time I remember her being like this, it was over some really fucked up shit... I sure hope my instincts are wrong,... since at this point, there's no turning back.