While at mom's house last night, lil man asked Jen to scratch his back. she lifts up his shirt to scratch directly on his back--she hit's the spot that was itchin' and he loudly says, "Oh yeah right there, right there, don't stop, oh yeah right there that's the spot" type of thing... Jen and I look at each other... she smiles, put her hand on her hip, tilted her head...and informs me that aside from bursting her ear drums some evenings, I may be loud enough to wake lil man out of a dead sleep... (total coincidence in my opinion, that kid sleeps through most anything and across the hall, lol)
I hang my head in shame, but what does she want me to do...she always finds the right spot(s)--its not my fault those spots are directly connected to my vocal chords. Guess I'll have to keep it down in the future...
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Monday, September 14, 2009
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Sex in real life
I've always had a theory and that is basically that sex in real life will rarely ever be like it is in the movies. This has become even more apparent since I've been with Jen. Perhaps you are wondering what I'm talking about and what the fuck this has to do with anything.
First of all, back off because when has anything I've had to say really been relevant... GOSH. Anyway...
An example of real life sex was seen today. Jen and I slept in and lil man was still knocked out so there was time for a good ol fashioned rubbin'. Sure, that's hot right... You know the kind where you wake up, stretch out roll over and realize the best part of waking up--she's right there next to you...you start touching her, running your hand across her everything... both of you start getting a little fidgety and then one thing leads to another. Kissing with morning breath, breathing deepens and becomes faster.... you get the point.
Well in the midst of this morning rub fest, Jen (sorry babe for putting your biznazz on front street but it had to be done)... who is obviously right around the corner in the cumming department... I'm at the point of ego boost...giving my self an inner monologue style ego boost (something like, yeah Tommy YOU ARE a rock star...Damn Jen is so fucking hot... I love this woman and how she makes me feel)...
Real life sets in: Pick up your phone its your grandma callin', pick up the phone it's your grandma callin'--My phone rings. Fuck... it's obviously grandma... as I have set her ringtone to be this catchy lil ditty to not slip up and answer the phone inappropriately.... I refuse to answer it. I whisper in Jen's ear and urge her to ignore her, your so close I tell her... don't let her distract you.... I don't feel guilty at this point...I was on a mission dammit, I was not letting Gma keeping me from making her cum...
Okay here we go back on track, I feel it building again....FUCK... Jen's phone is now ringing. Yep, you guessed it, it's grandma calling Jen's phone now. Son of a bitch. Jen is too nice to not answer, lol....so I'm still rubbin' (which is a fun thing I like to do, especially if she's on the phone for her mom, haha... makes things extra funny for me, seeing her try and talk to her mom in a regular non panting voice, lol) but I digress....I hear grandma say, "tell Tommy I need her help again." Jen responds, "Okay, I'll send her down there in a minute or two." Call ended.
Within the next thirty seconds the deed was done and I felt Jen's whole body explode in ecstasy... both of us feeling accomplished... I head downstairs to help grandma and discover that she had made the calls a few minutes before from the commode. She had had an accident and shit (literally) was everywhere. I had a mess to clean up to say the least.
I was relieved that I didn't get up extra early and get motivated cleaning...I'd be pissed if I had just scrubbed the bathroom and she had shit smeared everywhere like she did...poor lady. It can't be easy having to have someone else help you clean yourself up, wipe your ass and all that. Later in the afternoon she gave me a hug and told me how much she appreciated me and actually started crying...she says all the time that "Old age ain't for Sissies." I believe her.
She stresses me out on the regular but I feel good overall that I'm here to help her when she needs it. She should be back to "normal" by now though... she never needed this much additional help before her fall... my mom is at the point where she's going to tell Gma that if she continues needing this much additional help she's going to need to look into assisted living.
I have other examples of how sex in real life is nothing like in the movies, but I think I've put mine and Jen's biznazz out there enough for one night...
Pick up the phone it's your grandma calling, pick up the phone it's your grandma calling
First of all, back off because when has anything I've had to say really been relevant... GOSH. Anyway...
An example of real life sex was seen today. Jen and I slept in and lil man was still knocked out so there was time for a good ol fashioned rubbin'. Sure, that's hot right... You know the kind where you wake up, stretch out roll over and realize the best part of waking up--she's right there next to you...you start touching her, running your hand across her everything... both of you start getting a little fidgety and then one thing leads to another. Kissing with morning breath, breathing deepens and becomes faster.... you get the point.
Well in the midst of this morning rub fest, Jen (sorry babe for putting your biznazz on front street but it had to be done)... who is obviously right around the corner in the cumming department... I'm at the point of ego boost...giving my self an inner monologue style ego boost (something like, yeah Tommy YOU ARE a rock star...Damn Jen is so fucking hot... I love this woman and how she makes me feel)...
Real life sets in: Pick up your phone its your grandma callin', pick up the phone it's your grandma callin'--My phone rings. Fuck... it's obviously grandma... as I have set her ringtone to be this catchy lil ditty to not slip up and answer the phone inappropriately.... I refuse to answer it. I whisper in Jen's ear and urge her to ignore her, your so close I tell her... don't let her distract you.... I don't feel guilty at this point...I was on a mission dammit, I was not letting Gma keeping me from making her cum...
Okay here we go back on track, I feel it building again....FUCK... Jen's phone is now ringing. Yep, you guessed it, it's grandma calling Jen's phone now. Son of a bitch. Jen is too nice to not answer, lol....so I'm still rubbin' (which is a fun thing I like to do, especially if she's on the phone for her mom, haha... makes things extra funny for me, seeing her try and talk to her mom in a regular non panting voice, lol) but I digress....I hear grandma say, "tell Tommy I need her help again." Jen responds, "Okay, I'll send her down there in a minute or two." Call ended.
Within the next thirty seconds the deed was done and I felt Jen's whole body explode in ecstasy... both of us feeling accomplished... I head downstairs to help grandma and discover that she had made the calls a few minutes before from the commode. She had had an accident and shit (literally) was everywhere. I had a mess to clean up to say the least.
I was relieved that I didn't get up extra early and get motivated cleaning...I'd be pissed if I had just scrubbed the bathroom and she had shit smeared everywhere like she did...poor lady. It can't be easy having to have someone else help you clean yourself up, wipe your ass and all that. Later in the afternoon she gave me a hug and told me how much she appreciated me and actually started crying...she says all the time that "Old age ain't for Sissies." I believe her.
She stresses me out on the regular but I feel good overall that I'm here to help her when she needs it. She should be back to "normal" by now though... she never needed this much additional help before her fall... my mom is at the point where she's going to tell Gma that if she continues needing this much additional help she's going to need to look into assisted living.
I have other examples of how sex in real life is nothing like in the movies, but I think I've put mine and Jen's biznazz out there enough for one night...
Pick up the phone it's your grandma calling, pick up the phone it's your grandma calling
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Running late
Pepper woke me up nudging me and doing her pee pee dance with all sorts of urgency. I sat up...looked around the room, it was already light out. The alarm clock read: 7:21--FUCK ME I OVERSLEPT AGAIN...
Panic set in and all I could think was I have new starts today...I can't be late....fuck shit fuck.... but I was already 21 minutes late and hadn't showered, brushed my teeth or any of the necessities. I was so mad at myself....
I walked down the stairs to let me Pepper out and avoid any mishaps on the rug when I noticed the lights on downstairs...that's odd, Grandma is up already. Wait a minute...the tail end of Wheel of Fortune was on the boob tube.... Oh thank god I'm just having a "blonde moment"... I haven't colored my hair in months and my blonde roots must be coming in strong....(no offense)...it was 7:30 at night....
I had sat down upstairs and tried to get motivated to paint...but my eyes were too heavy to do anything so I opted for a nap while I had the opportunity. Two hours later I woke up in panic... once I calmed down and realized that I wasn't late for work, and thankful that I hadn't called my boss immediately to tell her I was running late (because I would have never lived that down)...I laid down for another hour....the heat took a lot out of me yesterday... thats what I get for hopping in a truck and helping unload it...
Whew....that was a close one.
Panic set in and all I could think was I have new starts today...I can't be late....fuck shit fuck.... but I was already 21 minutes late and hadn't showered, brushed my teeth or any of the necessities. I was so mad at myself....
I walked down the stairs to let me Pepper out and avoid any mishaps on the rug when I noticed the lights on downstairs...that's odd, Grandma is up already. Wait a minute...the tail end of Wheel of Fortune was on the boob tube.... Oh thank god I'm just having a "blonde moment"... I haven't colored my hair in months and my blonde roots must be coming in strong....(no offense)...it was 7:30 at night....
I had sat down upstairs and tried to get motivated to paint...but my eyes were too heavy to do anything so I opted for a nap while I had the opportunity. Two hours later I woke up in panic... once I calmed down and realized that I wasn't late for work, and thankful that I hadn't called my boss immediately to tell her I was running late (because I would have never lived that down)...I laid down for another hour....the heat took a lot out of me yesterday... thats what I get for hopping in a truck and helping unload it...
Whew....that was a close one.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Hitchhiking 101
I had to stop after work yesterday to pick up some groceries and then go to the gas station (since my gas light had been on for a hot minute)...on my way I see this hitchhiker next to the gas station, thumb up headed in the direction I was going.
I filled my car up with gas and thought...you know I don't have any hitchhiking stories. I want to have at least one "yeah I picked up a hitchhiker" story...in my mind it was a risk, but a fun and exciting thing to try as well. I mean it's one of those if you survive moments that you can talk about whenever. I figured if I ever found myself in an awkward silence I could just switch it up with, "you know I picked up a hitchhiker once...."
In my mind it seemed like a good idea AND it would be a good deed. No good deed goes unrewarded grandma always says. (I had done a good deed earlier in the day when a Lexus with four chicks in it were trying to take pictures of my license plate but were having troubles....I got to the stop light and told them I'm going to pull up enough for you to get the pic so do it quick while I'm sitting still...they were excited, got the pic and sped off past me....) Look, everyone has their own concept of good deeds--heh heh.
So anyway back to Mr. Hitchhiker....He was an old white man. White hair, tanned, white tube socks that came up mid-calf, shorts, a t-shirt, sneakers...he didn't look scary, just unkempt. I figured I could take him if he tried to do anything stupid...FUCK IT I'M GOING TO DO IT. I put the gas cap on and drive over near where he was and flag him over. I tell him I'll take him to Zuni which is five miles in the direction of where he is going. (I live in Zuni but off the main road and actually already going 2 miles out of my way to do this....) he looks at me and says, "how much would you charge me to get to Waverly? Waverly is 25 miles past Zuni...You see on the stretch of 460 in between fields of peanuts, cotton, corn, and soybeans lies Windsor (where we were), then Zuni, then Ivor, then something else, then Waverly....
I told him I was only going as far as Zuni because I had things to do and if he wanted to be 5 miles closer to Waverly he could take it, otherwise I was peacin' out. He told me that I was the second girl to offer to take him to this Zuni (pronounced Zoo nye) place and that he was going to tell me the same thing he told the other girl....
"I've got some killer weed in my pocket and if you take me to Waverly, I'll blow your mind." ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. Did he just say killer weed and blow my mind in the same sentence....I told him, that I wasn't interested in pot because I couldn't smoke it anyway, do you want a ride to Zuni or not...
He asked if I'd come back after dinner to take him...yeah...probably not. He said thank you and went back to his thumb up in the air.
This my friends is whats wrong with the world today. Too many people fail to realize that sometimes you have to take a tiny step in the direction you are headed...you aren't guaranteed to just get there. If the hitchhiker had taken the ride the first time someone offered it, he'd be 5 miles close to his destination AND increased his chances of finding someone that would take him the rest of the way...but instead he stood there for hours in the heat waiting for the straight shot.
This applies in the workplace as well. Sometimes you have to accept a job you don't really want, just to pay bills and get your foot in the door and then transition into something "better" when it becomes available...
I dunno...I'm still skeeved out by a dirty old man offering to "blow my mind" whether it was the killer weed he was referring to or not, those are just not words I want muttered out of an old man with no teeth mouth.
I've decided that having a hitchhiker story isn't all that important...I'll just start the conversation that "I offered a ride to a hitchhiker once but he offered me some killer weed instead" story...
I filled my car up with gas and thought...you know I don't have any hitchhiking stories. I want to have at least one "yeah I picked up a hitchhiker" story...in my mind it was a risk, but a fun and exciting thing to try as well. I mean it's one of those if you survive moments that you can talk about whenever. I figured if I ever found myself in an awkward silence I could just switch it up with, "you know I picked up a hitchhiker once...."
In my mind it seemed like a good idea AND it would be a good deed. No good deed goes unrewarded grandma always says. (I had done a good deed earlier in the day when a Lexus with four chicks in it were trying to take pictures of my license plate but were having troubles....I got to the stop light and told them I'm going to pull up enough for you to get the pic so do it quick while I'm sitting still...they were excited, got the pic and sped off past me....) Look, everyone has their own concept of good deeds--heh heh.
So anyway back to Mr. Hitchhiker....He was an old white man. White hair, tanned, white tube socks that came up mid-calf, shorts, a t-shirt, sneakers...he didn't look scary, just unkempt. I figured I could take him if he tried to do anything stupid...FUCK IT I'M GOING TO DO IT. I put the gas cap on and drive over near where he was and flag him over. I tell him I'll take him to Zuni which is five miles in the direction of where he is going. (I live in Zuni but off the main road and actually already going 2 miles out of my way to do this....) he looks at me and says, "how much would you charge me to get to Waverly? Waverly is 25 miles past Zuni...You see on the stretch of 460 in between fields of peanuts, cotton, corn, and soybeans lies Windsor (where we were), then Zuni, then Ivor, then something else, then Waverly....
I told him I was only going as far as Zuni because I had things to do and if he wanted to be 5 miles closer to Waverly he could take it, otherwise I was peacin' out. He told me that I was the second girl to offer to take him to this Zuni (pronounced Zoo nye) place and that he was going to tell me the same thing he told the other girl....
"I've got some killer weed in my pocket and if you take me to Waverly, I'll blow your mind." ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. Did he just say killer weed and blow my mind in the same sentence....I told him, that I wasn't interested in pot because I couldn't smoke it anyway, do you want a ride to Zuni or not...
He asked if I'd come back after dinner to take him...yeah...probably not. He said thank you and went back to his thumb up in the air.
This my friends is whats wrong with the world today. Too many people fail to realize that sometimes you have to take a tiny step in the direction you are headed...you aren't guaranteed to just get there. If the hitchhiker had taken the ride the first time someone offered it, he'd be 5 miles close to his destination AND increased his chances of finding someone that would take him the rest of the way...but instead he stood there for hours in the heat waiting for the straight shot.
This applies in the workplace as well. Sometimes you have to accept a job you don't really want, just to pay bills and get your foot in the door and then transition into something "better" when it becomes available...
I dunno...I'm still skeeved out by a dirty old man offering to "blow my mind" whether it was the killer weed he was referring to or not, those are just not words I want muttered out of an old man with no teeth mouth.
I've decided that having a hitchhiker story isn't all that important...I'll just start the conversation that "I offered a ride to a hitchhiker once but he offered me some killer weed instead" story...
Thursday, July 30, 2009
With a click of the mouse
So there's a question that has been plaguing me for as long as I can remember. I hope this doesn't offend anyone but I seriously want to know.
I'm probably going to hell for saying this aloud but, "Do nuns masturbate?"
Like are they allowed? If they can't do you think they do it on the down low? I know that I personally have a very high level of self love...I just feel like everyone should have the option if they choose to and to do it without fear of going to hell.
I'm sorry but if masturbating is going to land me in hell...at least I'll have plenty of my "perv" friends to keep me company....
Can I get a Hell Yeah for some self love.
I'm probably going to hell for saying this aloud but, "Do nuns masturbate?"
Like are they allowed? If they can't do you think they do it on the down low? I know that I personally have a very high level of self love...I just feel like everyone should have the option if they choose to and to do it without fear of going to hell.
I'm sorry but if masturbating is going to land me in hell...at least I'll have plenty of my "perv" friends to keep me company....
Can I get a Hell Yeah for some self love.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Search and Recovery
So Jen texted me today to tell me that she didn't have tried to put on her glasses today but when she went to get them out of the case they weren't there...
This is my take on the conversation that occurred between her and lil man (as she told it to me)...
Jen: Hey Chad, Have you seen my glasses
Lil man: yes
Jen: Where are they
Lil man: they are where I wanted them to be
Jen: Where is that
Lil man: under tommy's bed
Jen: (confused) why would you put them under tommy's bed
Lil man: I wanted you to forget them so we would have to go back and visit
How freakin' hilarious is that kid. I got home this evening hoping to find the glasses before Pepper puppy did. I climbed the stairs, petted the cat, and got on my knees lifting the bed skirt to sure enough find not only Jen's prescription glasses, but her lens cloth too.
I shook my head and left... that whole situation is hilarious to me... The lil dude likes it over here so much he is purposely hiding shit so that they'll have to come back... ha ha ha ha ha. I'm weak.
It's wrong but I found out that Jen's ex-husband is jealous of me. Jen has never flat out told him that we are together because it's none of his business but he said that for the entire three and a half months that lil man was out in Colorado with him, he talked about me nonstop...Tommy this and Tommy has that and pepper, chino, etc...I don't know the guy personally and i'm really not a bitch in normal circumstances but it's one hell of an ego boost to hear shit like that...is that wrong?
This is my take on the conversation that occurred between her and lil man (as she told it to me)...
Jen: Hey Chad, Have you seen my glasses
Lil man: yes
Jen: Where are they
Lil man: they are where I wanted them to be
Jen: Where is that
Lil man: under tommy's bed
Jen: (confused) why would you put them under tommy's bed
Lil man: I wanted you to forget them so we would have to go back and visit
How freakin' hilarious is that kid. I got home this evening hoping to find the glasses before Pepper puppy did. I climbed the stairs, petted the cat, and got on my knees lifting the bed skirt to sure enough find not only Jen's prescription glasses, but her lens cloth too.
I shook my head and left... that whole situation is hilarious to me... The lil dude likes it over here so much he is purposely hiding shit so that they'll have to come back... ha ha ha ha ha. I'm weak.
It's wrong but I found out that Jen's ex-husband is jealous of me. Jen has never flat out told him that we are together because it's none of his business but he said that for the entire three and a half months that lil man was out in Colorado with him, he talked about me nonstop...Tommy this and Tommy has that and pepper, chino, etc...I don't know the guy personally and i'm really not a bitch in normal circumstances but it's one hell of an ego boost to hear shit like that...is that wrong?
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Dual Pooping
I walked into the restroom at work today, ass cheeks clenched to make the prairie dog stay in its hole...(normally I check shoes just to see who all is potentially in there before I decide if I can take a shit or not)...I didn't today, but I noticed the door was closed to stall number one, MY FAVORITE STALL...DAMMIT...SOMEONE ELSE IS IN IT oh well...this one will do I think to myself....
I had heard the toilet flush upon entering so figured I'd just keep my ass cheeks clinched to avoid letting the biggest fart ever out (it had been building for a hot minute). When suddenly, I hear, "Hey Tommy?" in a country accent followed by snickering...FUCK!!! It was cheerleader and she wanted to apparently hold a conversation with me while I shat...NOT COOL. My insides were twisting at this point because I had to go so bad, but I couldn't knowing that I had an audience.
Me: Um, yeah dude what's up
Cheerleader: (snicker snicker, embarrassed) I clogged the toilet...I took a massive shit and it's about to overflow what am I going to do?
Me: (laughing hysterically and still trying not to fart loud) go get maintenance and ask for a plunger...
Cheerleader: OH MY GOD DUDE!!! I can't do that, then they'll know I shit and clogged the toilet...I'm going to wait a few minutes and try to flush it again...the water stopped at the top but it might overflow...
Me: Dude, I have a deuce to drop myself and can't do it with you in here talking to me...
She laughs and walks out...
A few minutes later she returns, her giggling gives her away and I immediately start cracking up as well.
Cheerleader: Field Hockey yelled at me and said I better not leave it--she said there was a plunger in here somewhere (her voice trailing behind her as she moved all around the bathroom) FOUND IT (she exclaimed excitedly from the handicap stall next to me)
I was thinking great...I have a green shit stink cloud swarming around me and she wants to be galavanting around here...she's probably going to go run to Field Hockey's office and tattle on me...Tommy's taking a shit, hahaha...
Again, I digress.
I heard her walk into the end stall (at this point I'm thankful someone else was in my favorite stall because if not, it would be me making the toilet overflow)...So I'm compassionate to her situation but more thankful that it wasn't me...totally jacked up I know. But anyway...She narrates while plunging...
Cheerleader: Oh my god, did I touch anything....ewwwwww grossssss
Cheerleader: Oh my god dude I think I churned it around too much it's all cloudy and gross....
Me: Flush it again and plunge at the same time and see if that works
Cheerleader: Oh my god I can't do that, I'm too scared....then everyone will know it was me...
Me: How
Cheerleader: WHEN THE SHITS ON THE FLOOR AND THE FLOOR IS FLOODED AND I HAVE TO GO GET MAINTENANCE THEY ARE GOING TO KNOW IT WAS ME
Me: (laughing hysterically while shitting and trying to be her on-premise advisor apparently)
Cheerleader: I'm leaving it
She leaves. I finish my biznazz and wash my hands...I head back to my office and the minute the door beeps and unlatches, I see Cheerleader pop her head out of Field Hockey's office...she laughs hysterically.
I stop into Field Hockey's office and explain how I didn't appreciate standing there washing my hands and having someone else walk in and having to freak out thinking they'd go to stall number one see a giant turd floating there and think..."eww that tommy is a dirty nasty bitch" (luckily the girl went straight to a different stall which gave me time to get out without being suspected)
We all laugh...
Cheerleader: Well now no one will think it was either of us, we are in the clear
Field Hockey: Uh, Yeah, except tomorrow morning poor ol maintenance is going to go in there to clean the toilets and his be grossed out
Cheerleader: it will dissolve some by then
Me: (laughing hysterically) Dude, Sit doesn't dissolve, it just breaks up and floats around all rogue like
Field Hokey: EWWW....and the water is going to be all brown and cloudy, that is soooo gross
Cheerleader: but I left the plunger next to the toilet so at least He'll think "well at least they tried to fix it...
Me: (speechless laughing hysterically thinking, please don't get the urge to pee...you can't go back in the bathroom today--you're not allowed....you can't do it...you can't risk it....
We talk a while longer about random shit situations while on the topic of shit....when Field Hockey announces:
"I'm not so grossed about about the fact we are talking about it now, I'm more concerned about the fact that ya'll were in the bathroom dual pooping....that's soooo gross and disturbing."
To sum things up Cheerleader was concerned about making the toilet overflow and then everyone know it was her. I was like how are they going to know, it's not like they are going to walk on the floor and find a big ol turd with a post it not that reads "Cheerleader's Turd." She was like NO, JACKASS....I would have had to get maintenance and be like, um, I made the toilet overflow....
I needed this to happen today...I hadn't laughed that hard in a long while...and cheerleaders face as she closed to office door to ensure no one heard us speak of shit (or at least her shit) made me the weakest of all...
I had heard the toilet flush upon entering so figured I'd just keep my ass cheeks clinched to avoid letting the biggest fart ever out (it had been building for a hot minute). When suddenly, I hear, "Hey Tommy?" in a country accent followed by snickering...FUCK!!! It was cheerleader and she wanted to apparently hold a conversation with me while I shat...NOT COOL. My insides were twisting at this point because I had to go so bad, but I couldn't knowing that I had an audience.
Me: Um, yeah dude what's up
Cheerleader: (snicker snicker, embarrassed) I clogged the toilet...I took a massive shit and it's about to overflow what am I going to do?
Me: (laughing hysterically and still trying not to fart loud) go get maintenance and ask for a plunger...
Cheerleader: OH MY GOD DUDE!!! I can't do that, then they'll know I shit and clogged the toilet...I'm going to wait a few minutes and try to flush it again...the water stopped at the top but it might overflow...
Me: Dude, I have a deuce to drop myself and can't do it with you in here talking to me...
She laughs and walks out...
A few minutes later she returns, her giggling gives her away and I immediately start cracking up as well.
Cheerleader: Field Hockey yelled at me and said I better not leave it--she said there was a plunger in here somewhere (her voice trailing behind her as she moved all around the bathroom) FOUND IT (she exclaimed excitedly from the handicap stall next to me)
I was thinking great...I have a green shit stink cloud swarming around me and she wants to be galavanting around here...she's probably going to go run to Field Hockey's office and tattle on me...Tommy's taking a shit, hahaha...
Again, I digress.
I heard her walk into the end stall (at this point I'm thankful someone else was in my favorite stall because if not, it would be me making the toilet overflow)...So I'm compassionate to her situation but more thankful that it wasn't me...totally jacked up I know. But anyway...She narrates while plunging...
Cheerleader: Oh my god, did I touch anything....ewwwwww grossssss
Cheerleader: Oh my god dude I think I churned it around too much it's all cloudy and gross....
Me: Flush it again and plunge at the same time and see if that works
Cheerleader: Oh my god I can't do that, I'm too scared....then everyone will know it was me...
Me: How
Cheerleader: WHEN THE SHITS ON THE FLOOR AND THE FLOOR IS FLOODED AND I HAVE TO GO GET MAINTENANCE THEY ARE GOING TO KNOW IT WAS ME
Me: (laughing hysterically while shitting and trying to be her on-premise advisor apparently)
Cheerleader: I'm leaving it
She leaves. I finish my biznazz and wash my hands...I head back to my office and the minute the door beeps and unlatches, I see Cheerleader pop her head out of Field Hockey's office...she laughs hysterically.
I stop into Field Hockey's office and explain how I didn't appreciate standing there washing my hands and having someone else walk in and having to freak out thinking they'd go to stall number one see a giant turd floating there and think..."eww that tommy is a dirty nasty bitch" (luckily the girl went straight to a different stall which gave me time to get out without being suspected)
We all laugh...
Cheerleader: Well now no one will think it was either of us, we are in the clear
Field Hockey: Uh, Yeah, except tomorrow morning poor ol maintenance is going to go in there to clean the toilets and his be grossed out
Cheerleader: it will dissolve some by then
Me: (laughing hysterically) Dude, Sit doesn't dissolve, it just breaks up and floats around all rogue like
Field Hokey: EWWW....and the water is going to be all brown and cloudy, that is soooo gross
Cheerleader: but I left the plunger next to the toilet so at least He'll think "well at least they tried to fix it...
Me: (speechless laughing hysterically thinking, please don't get the urge to pee...you can't go back in the bathroom today--you're not allowed....you can't do it...you can't risk it....
We talk a while longer about random shit situations while on the topic of shit....when Field Hockey announces:
"I'm not so grossed about about the fact we are talking about it now, I'm more concerned about the fact that ya'll were in the bathroom dual pooping....that's soooo gross and disturbing."
To sum things up Cheerleader was concerned about making the toilet overflow and then everyone know it was her. I was like how are they going to know, it's not like they are going to walk on the floor and find a big ol turd with a post it not that reads "Cheerleader's Turd." She was like NO, JACKASS....I would have had to get maintenance and be like, um, I made the toilet overflow....
I needed this to happen today...I hadn't laughed that hard in a long while...and cheerleaders face as she closed to office door to ensure no one heard us speak of shit (or at least her shit) made me the weakest of all...
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Sexual Faux Paws
So Jen and I were doing it last night...you know "it" (playing uno, NOT)...and I went to get resituated or switch positions when I hit my head on the night stand. Not just bumped it, but flat out plowed into the shit like some crazy roid rage type stuff and the night stand went into the wall.
Jen held in laughter until after she confirmed my well being and then the two of us spent about fifteen minutes just laughing our asses off, nearly peeing the bed replaying the situation in our heads. It doesn't make any sesne how I did it or what the hell was going on that led up to it, but the fact was there was just no way to play it off and look cool.
I love that I'm in love with a woman who loves me enough to laugh with me. That's huge. The good news is I woke up this morning and didn't die in my sleep from a concussion...how the hell did I hit my head like that.
That's the kind of shit that if it were to happen on a first date you'd never talk to the person again, you'd be mortified...I mean it ranks right up there with farting in the middle of a seriously intense sexcapade...then there is real life...committed...monagamous relationships, regardless of whether they are few months old or 78 years in the making where those instances just make everything make sense...
They all have a way of decrypting shit in general--those moments that make you smile, laugh, shake your head and keep going.
After recovering from my head injury we had carried on to our deviant antics when Pepper jumps up on the bed, lets out a Chubaka like grown and plops her big furry ass right smack in the middle of "lesbians gone wild"... a literal sexual faux "Paw"
Oh yeah babe is that the spot? Well babe I dunno I'm too distracted by the fact that your dog is resting her head on my leg... I really freaked out when the two tongues that were supposed to be in action were and a third comes out of no where on the bottom of my foot... Fucking a.. it's the dog.
Jen held in laughter until after she confirmed my well being and then the two of us spent about fifteen minutes just laughing our asses off, nearly peeing the bed replaying the situation in our heads. It doesn't make any sesne how I did it or what the hell was going on that led up to it, but the fact was there was just no way to play it off and look cool.
I love that I'm in love with a woman who loves me enough to laugh with me. That's huge. The good news is I woke up this morning and didn't die in my sleep from a concussion...how the hell did I hit my head like that.
That's the kind of shit that if it were to happen on a first date you'd never talk to the person again, you'd be mortified...I mean it ranks right up there with farting in the middle of a seriously intense sexcapade...then there is real life...committed...monagamous relationships, regardless of whether they are few months old or 78 years in the making where those instances just make everything make sense...
They all have a way of decrypting shit in general--those moments that make you smile, laugh, shake your head and keep going.
After recovering from my head injury we had carried on to our deviant antics when Pepper jumps up on the bed, lets out a Chubaka like grown and plops her big furry ass right smack in the middle of "lesbians gone wild"... a literal sexual faux "Paw"
Oh yeah babe is that the spot? Well babe I dunno I'm too distracted by the fact that your dog is resting her head on my leg... I really freaked out when the two tongues that were supposed to be in action were and a third comes out of no where on the bottom of my foot... Fucking a.. it's the dog.
Monday, June 22, 2009
funny story
So last night my sister came over and we were all sitting in the living room talking when the random topic of gas came up. Granted my sister is 7 months pregnant, but she's always been known to fart A LOT...and most times she doesn't care who she's around.
So at the end of one of Mandi's stories, Jen looks over at her and says..."Yeah, I farted on Tommy's stomach earlier." (we were cuddling and she totally let one rip)
So in my defense I shared with Mandi that I had farted in Jen's crotch to get her back (cuddling once again, but she was holding me this time)
When my sister, without missing a beat looks at me and says, "Tommy, didn't anyone ever tell you not to shit where you eat."
I thought we were all going to pee ourselves for real. Too funny.
So at the end of one of Mandi's stories, Jen looks over at her and says..."Yeah, I farted on Tommy's stomach earlier." (we were cuddling and she totally let one rip)
So in my defense I shared with Mandi that I had farted in Jen's crotch to get her back (cuddling once again, but she was holding me this time)
When my sister, without missing a beat looks at me and says, "Tommy, didn't anyone ever tell you not to shit where you eat."
I thought we were all going to pee ourselves for real. Too funny.
Friday, June 19, 2009
funny
So I just watched Grandma's boy and I remembered my favorite line...when the grandma is stoned and she's like "I can hear my hair growing...." HILARIOUS...
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Playing dress up
Pepper had spent ALL day playing with Earl (mom's dog) and then Jen came over and played ball with her, wearing her out that much more....she was soo tired that she just laid their while Jen played dress up with her...to include socks on her front paws, posed with remote, a tshirt and boxers with her tail through the weenie window...its sad sometimes the stuff that amuses us :) cheap date....lol.Pulled over
So I went to walmart with my sister this evening. I should have been doing homework, but that seems to be the story of my life....
So anyway, she pulls up in the driveway (which is way out in the country)...corn fields, soybeans, peanuts...I mean hell of the love of christ, you have to pass donkeys and goats to even get to my driveway... but I digress....
so we pull up in the driveway and Mandi freaks out...she was like "jesus christ am I getting pulled over..." I look at her now 7 month pregnant ass and think, are you fucking kidding me. She started laughing when she realized what she had said....she had seen the reflection of the lightning on the garage and thought it was police lights....
It then dawned on her that the odds of us getting pulled over in the driveway were slim...unless the game warden decided to write you a ticket for running over a frog.
Apparently momnesia the newest thing that I have to deal with when dealing with my sister or hanging out with her....lol...good times.
So anyway, she pulls up in the driveway (which is way out in the country)...corn fields, soybeans, peanuts...I mean hell of the love of christ, you have to pass donkeys and goats to even get to my driveway... but I digress....
so we pull up in the driveway and Mandi freaks out...she was like "jesus christ am I getting pulled over..." I look at her now 7 month pregnant ass and think, are you fucking kidding me. She started laughing when she realized what she had said....she had seen the reflection of the lightning on the garage and thought it was police lights....
It then dawned on her that the odds of us getting pulled over in the driveway were slim...unless the game warden decided to write you a ticket for running over a frog.
Apparently momnesia the newest thing that I have to deal with when dealing with my sister or hanging out with her....lol...good times.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
A great analogy
So this guy I work with is pretty awesome. For the longest time I figured he was gay, turns out the "gayness" I was picking up on was just him being one of those quirky sort of weird (but in a good way) kind of dudes. He's straight but family friendly so he's alright in my book. I went into his office yesterday just to vent about the workplace in general and he shed some interesting light on the situation, but I digress.
Just a few minutes ago, he comes into my office to take a turn venting and tells me he's had the worst morning ever. I of course asked why? what happened? And he tells me that he's having one of those kind of mornings that's like:
You drop your purse in 7th grade on the first day of your first period and tampons and maxipads go spilling out in front of everyone and to make matters worse one of the maxi pads became unwrapped during the fall and somehow managed to stick to the desk and/or forehead of your really cute hot guy crush a couple of rows over....MORTIFYING...lol.
I almost stopped listening when he said it's like dropping your purse because I don't carry one, lol...but I'm glad I stayed focus because the analogy he gave kinda sorta made my day. For the record his wife makes some really bad ass peanut butter cookies....mmmm
Just a few minutes ago, he comes into my office to take a turn venting and tells me he's had the worst morning ever. I of course asked why? what happened? And he tells me that he's having one of those kind of mornings that's like:
You drop your purse in 7th grade on the first day of your first period and tampons and maxipads go spilling out in front of everyone and to make matters worse one of the maxi pads became unwrapped during the fall and somehow managed to stick to the desk and/or forehead of your really cute hot guy crush a couple of rows over....MORTIFYING...lol.
I almost stopped listening when he said it's like dropping your purse because I don't carry one, lol...but I'm glad I stayed focus because the analogy he gave kinda sorta made my day. For the record his wife makes some really bad ass peanut butter cookies....mmmm
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