Haircut

I can't tell if it's just because I'm having a super shitty day, or if I am legitimately tired of dealing with my hair...but i think I might cut it all off again.  No, I'm not going to shave it again, but I think a faux hawk is definitely looking pretty awesome right now.  I just don't know.  I'm in a self loathing state of mind right now.  I don't feel pretty no matter what I try and I thought I was doing well with the weight loss until I saw pics from this weekend. 

I feel like I'm losing a battle that in fact has no chance of me winning...does that make sense?  Sure, the numbers say i'm losing... I keep trying to tell myself that it's going to take time, because well I'm not stupid, I know that it is... but I could cry right now. 

Unfortunately, when I get this emotional and feel this bummed out and icky about everything in general, my hair generally pays for it. 

I've gotta snap out of it... I just want to cry and sleep.  I hope this is just an off day.  I can't deal with depression right now, I don't have time for it. 

I'll go to my meeting tonight, have coffee with my mom (I bought new creamer...caramel apple), and get home and rest.  To make matters worse I had to call and fire someone while they were at their grandmothers funeral.  I don't make the rules, I just implement them, but damn...I'm batting a thousand today.

I'm leaning towards smoking again.  I never did it full time and still only pick one up as "prozac on a stick" but I think I'm going to buy a pack today after work.  Let's see I could potentially die from being a fat ass, or die from lung cancer (which I could get from second hand anyway)... decisions decisions.  What an awful state of mind I'm in right now.  My grandfather died after years of oxygen use...a smoker forever, my other grandma is on oxygen now... my uncle gene is in the hospital (icu) unless he died already and no one bothered telling me (which wouldn't surprise me since I was written off by that part of the family...they didn't like that I had to work and just couldnt take time off to amuse them buy drives back to my birthplace...good ol' Fayetteville, NC...) I don't love them any less.  I miss that part of the family and it makes me even more sad to think about him on oxygen the last few years because of years of smoking, emphazema and shit...and me thinking of going and buying a pack of smokes.

I can't win all of these battles...I'm too ill equipped.