Empty Thoughts

Today is Thursday which means that tomorrow when I wake up it will be FRIDAY.  I must stop "wishing my life away" as many put it.  I can't help it though--it's like I dread Mondays, the rest of the week seems to creep by and then by the time the weekend finally arrives, I blink and it's gone.  I'm still trying to work out a way where I work two days a week, get five days off and still make the same money (or more, lol)--but I have to be realistic as this is not likely to EVER happen.

Since my boss is out of her office this week, I get to take a field trip today--EXCITING.  All it entails is driving to the main office (about 45 minutes away), dropping off paperwork for the new starts I processed yesterday and picking up paychecks for my contractors so that they can be handed out tomorrow.  But I am going to take my lunch while I'm out and that  area has some excellent options for lunch.  Moe's Southwest Grill is kind of on my mind...I'm in the mood for some Mexican...but I dunno yet...It might just be a burger while I'm driving back to the warehouse.

Pepper has had awful gas lately.  I had to plea with grandma yesterday to PLEASE stop feeding her from the table because it's tearing her lil stomach up.  From the time she was a puppy she had issues.  The first of them was not her fault and involved about two weeks straight of me not sleeping because Pepper was up all night with the runs and it was during the time I was trying to house break her.  So if I slept hard and didn't hear her wimper trying to wake me up to let her out, I'd be undoing the training I taught her AND cleaning up liquid shit from the carpet.  Come to find out she had some type of parasite (I don't remember off the top of my head) that was causing fading puppy syndrome...basically Pepper still had an appetite but the parasite was eating it and her from the inside out.  She would have died had I delayed any longer in getting her to the vet.  This is also when I first noticed that Pepper was going to be a "fatty."  The only dog I've ever had who I didn't have to trick to take pills or "drink" medicine.... the lil hefer would beg for more after I gave her the stuff from the vet via syringe in her mouth....RIDICULOUS.  She loves food that is for sure.  Unfortunately Gma feeds her nonstop and even I am guilty of sharing people food with (as is everyone else that comes to the house)...so it's not like just one person is responsible...but we all need to stop.

So anyway, Jen helped pick up a pile and I got on my hands and knees and scrubbed the carpet because for whatever reason Pepper couldn't get anyone's attention quick enough when the shit cramp hit her.  This is two days in a row and I told grandma that I'm tired of cleaning up shit for a dog that is house broke... (I wanted to say, "look you ol' bag, stop feeding the dog random shit that you think won't hurt her because you can't get your ass on the floor to clean up the mess she makes because her stomach is out of wack."--But I didn't.  Gma gives Pepper everything ranging from the whip cream and remnants of her Dairy Queen Moolatte (key word being DAIRY)...something that Pepper has never handled well, chips, nuts, just junk in general... lean meats and veggies are one thing but come on.

I fired someone before they even started yesterday.  I was expecting 8 for the training class I held for people projected to start on Tuesday--7 showed up.  I called him in the afternoon when all was said and done to follow up and see what happened.  He didn't seem like he actually gave a shit, so I told him that if he couldn't  see the importance of coming to training and didn't bother to call me ahead of time to tell me he wouldn't be attending that I couldn't trust he'd find coming to work important either--I told him he missed his opportunity to work out here... Someone that is reliable and actually WANTS to work can be hired instead.

I'm wearing the most fabulous pair of Jeans today...They are truly wonderful.  I found them at a thrift store this past weekend... (I've been wearing my baggy cargo shorts...aka my fat pants because of how comfy and NOT restricting they are)... so I wasn't sure if they size would even work.  I bought them anyway because a brand new looking pair of jeans for $3.99 should never stay on the rack.  I figured that even if I needed to lose a few pounds it was a deal...I tried them on this morning planning for the worst.... if they actually went on they'd never button.... they went on like I had greased my legs with Crisco prior to and buttoned without me even sucking it in.  Thank you Liz Claiborne for making my day with your fabulous jeans in a smaller size than I generally wear...a little stretch makes all the difference (granted it's not like leggings stretch...just a lil give.  I'm opposed to wearing pants that show my actual shape.  A lil curve here and there will suffice, no one needs to know every intimate detail and I refuse to wear jeans that make me rock a camel toe/moose knuckle.)

I'm also a firm believer that underwear should be directly proportionate to the size of one's ass.  I'm not saying every inch needs to be covered...but I will say that with the size of my ass...if I were to put a thong on, I'd spend more time looking for the shit, trying to dig it out of my ass crack that I'd never find time for anything else.  I don't wear granny panties, but I do wear those that make the most since for me and my ass.

I remember the days when I used to find jeans and in order for them to fit through the hips and ass they'd be WAY to big in the waist.... THIS IS NOT THE CASE ANYMORE... my stomach has caught up, lol. 

I have blown my hair dry two days in a row now....I'm actually rocking my "girl hair" which is different from the normal wild crazy faux hawk type look.  It's my more feminine side...SIKE what it really boils down to is that my hair is getting longer in the back quicker than it is growing on top, so I blow dry my hair up in the back for the messy look and lay the front down...otherwise I feel like I have a mullet because my hair is touching my neck and immediately want to go get the clippers to get rid of it...I'm going to try the hair thing for a while (or at least as long as I can)...

Grandma rode with my mom, aunt, and sister to Sam's Club yesterday.  It was nice that mom took her, because otherwise I was going to have to and it just stresses me out because she insists on going up every single aisle despite only coming in for toilet paper or other few things that might be on her list....$598.00 later she came home with a metric shit ton of stuff that we didn't need....she's out of control.  She bought my mom a laptop bag and my aunt a "pallet" of LoCarb Monster (that which is my fault because I was on a LoCarb Monster kick for a while and got my mom hooked, she in turn got her sister/my aunt hooked)..I've since shaken my habit and really only drink one, every couple of months--mom and aunt melissa are still very much every day people.

Mandi is officially ready to have the baby.  Translation: I'm going to be an Aunt really any day now.  The baby is locked and loaded, at her last Dr. Appt on Monday she was actually having contractions (but not feeling them) the machine she was hooked up to was registering them....EXCITING I'm going to be an Aunt...FUN FUN FUN. 

I've officially decided that the motherhood thing is not for me (in terms of actually carrying something around inside of me for nine months and then pushing it out...) NEGATIVE.  Freaks me out...not interested...I'm quite okay with someone else doing it and letting me play "aunt" or the other mom (sort of)... It's funny...when it comes to me and Jen/Jen and I? I'm too tired to remember which one is proper at this point, but really how proper am I most days?  Lil man refers to us as Mommy and Tommy (it being obvious which one is which)... he sometimes slips up and calls me Mommy, but soon corrects himself...which is no biggie.  He knows who is who.  I often wonder what he understands about the whole situation.  I know that he knows that Jen and I love each other and that we Love him too, but past that I'm not sure.  In my mind it's like Jen is his mom and I'm his buddy to play games and legos with, but who doesn't play when it comes to whining or arguing, or running in the house---so sometimes if I've told him to not do something (i.e. run laps in the house) he immediately wants to go home and he tells his mom that... it becomes, Tommy isn't my fun loving buddy anymore so it's pointless for me to be here.  Lol.  Last night he said something about me living at his house (so I know that when the time is right and Jen and I are able to move in together, he'll be fine with the transition).

Tupperware is a great invention (storage containers for food in general)...the downside is that some food you store in them the smell gets trapped in the bowl.  This normally isn't an issue if you wash them in the dishwasher...I put some pineapple slices in a tupperware container yesterday after lunch (I opened the can but couldn't finish it)... well today I open them to eat the rest of them and smell spaghetti sauce...GROSS. Pineapple and spaghetti sauce... not a cool flavor combo, luckily they haven't been in the container long enough to absorb the taste of how spaghetti smells--are you following me, lol?  This container obviously doesn't get used often so it was probably hand washed last then put in the cabinet....today however it's going in the dishwasher for sure.

I was thinking about labels earlier today... I hear the terms butch and femme on the regular but don't feel I really fit into either.  I've always considered myself a lil CHAPSTICK instead... you know definitely not butch...just dress a lil bit from time to time and definitely not lipstick, just like to look cute from time to time.  I'm not sure why everything needs to have a label anyway...but no matter how I feel about labels, I still find myself trying to fit into the corresponding one for me.--WEIRD.

I don't miss Myspace or Facebook.  It dawned on me last night when a random person my sister knows stopped me in Food Lion and was like, Oh My god did Mandi have her baby yet...it said on face book, blah blah...Its funny...I like the sort of anonymity that comes with blogger.  Sure, anyone who googled my name would come across it, and I'm not exactly secretive about my life by any means... but I don't want people from my past being all in my biznazz... Mainly folks from high school that are fake nowadays and act like we actually miss each other when we don't... I already live in a small town... blogger lets me be not only a voyeur to someone else's life (from near to far) and vent about anything and everything and just write...which is one of my passions.  I guess what I'm saying is that I know this isn't exactly private and that the World Wide Web invites the potential for many people into my life via my blog, but dammit, for the most part it prevents that awkward fake bullshit associated with Myspace or Facebook where ex friends or people that you used to know but could give a shit about now do that whole "oh my life is great and this this and this" how is yours and then pretend to really care....

Wow, I'm bitter.  I just hate that.  I had friends in highschool and in the past don't get me wrong, but I can't think of a single person I still talk to from high school other than bumping into from time to time at the store... I have a few people that I still have contact info for in Nashville, but we don't keep up like we should...life gets away from you sometimes and dammit...I'm just not the same person they knew me as.  I love who I am, and who I've become, and the person I'm still working towards becoming if that makes any sense.  One should never stop growing and never be content with things being just as they are.  I feel like it's important to strive for "better" things, situations, personal growth, and stuff in general.  Just getting to where you wanted to be and becoming complacent, in my opinion isn't good enough.  I know that I deserve better and that I am better...that's why I'm working so hard on my own personal goals (though some of those goals take priority to others...I'll accomplish them all eventually)