There is a numbness that presents itself and then vanishes. Like the ocean crashing gently upon the shore, bringing it's foamy endlessness, saturating the sand and then repetitiously fading away. I wake up some mornings and all seems fine, then without warning, for no reason, it creeps up on me. It clings on as if it is a naturally occuring, supposed to be there limb... natural in the sense of an arm or a leg is natural, not in that of a zit or bruise...
I don't know where I'm going with this really. I don't know much of anything these days really.
My guilty conscious gave way to some serious confessions on my part, a very delayed exhibit of remorse and now the theory of a new start. It's hard to tell whether or not this theory is in fact a reality or not.
I guess that all in all, I'm not one hundred percent convinced that it's possible outside of fairytales. That is most likely my Debbie Downer side reary it's ugly head tonight. I dunno.
There is an emptiness, a void that is very seldom filled. I can't find the right words to describe it. I can't make sense of it. I'm spiraling downward, not out of control, but a controlled spiral, as if that makes any sense.
I'm always thinking. It's weird thought. There are like nine hundred bazillion thoughts in there but I'm not thinking any single one specifically...it's just chaos. Imagine you are at a crowded restaraunt. You are there on a date, (insert your partners name here)... ya'll are having a nice conversation, sipping your drinks, nibbling on an appetizer, thinking about what you want to do to him/her when you get them back to the house... then the conversations from all the surrounding tables begin to get louder and louder...it gets harder and harder to hear your partner or even concentrate on their words.... then the kitchen doors swing open, plates fall to the floor with a crash and break....
It's kind of like that. A whole lot going on and not being able to focus in on one particular thought.
That's where I am. Waiting for low tide so I can break free... or even high tide to wash away these thoughts and feelings.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Friday, November 26, 2010
why?
Why is "make up" sex so fucking amazing. Like to the point that I'm currently thinking of things to fight with Jen about just so this phenomenol sex doesn't end. Lol. I'm seeing a side of my partner I've never seen in the two years we've been together...it's good shit. Like, Really good shit.
dear santa
Dear Santa--
Recent events in my life have most definitely reserved me a spot on the Naughty list. This just will not do. You see I fully believe that at some point or another, EVERYONE makes a mistake or two, and while the severity of said mistake may vary from case to case.... mistakes happen nonetheless. My point is that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I can't explain how this mistake happened or even why. I'm just sorry. I'm sorry that I consistently hurt those around me and let so many people down. I'm just sorry. I don't know what to do to fix this and get off of the naughty list, but I am looking for suggestions. If you can find it your big ass North Pole heart to look past said mistake and put me back on the Nice List I'd really appreciate it.
If this happens and I know I'm probably pushing it here, but Santa, I can't help but make an additional request. I prepared my wishlist, if you get around to it, I mean...
All I want for Christmas is:
Clarity
Forgiveness
Trust
Strength
Understanding
Compassion
There are several other things that I'd like, but I don't want to be greedy AND I'm not necessarily thinking clearly these days. I dunno.
Hopefully I'll at least get off the Naughty list.
Thanks for listening and Happy Holidays big guy...
Tommy
Recent events in my life have most definitely reserved me a spot on the Naughty list. This just will not do. You see I fully believe that at some point or another, EVERYONE makes a mistake or two, and while the severity of said mistake may vary from case to case.... mistakes happen nonetheless. My point is that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I can't explain how this mistake happened or even why. I'm just sorry. I'm sorry that I consistently hurt those around me and let so many people down. I'm just sorry. I don't know what to do to fix this and get off of the naughty list, but I am looking for suggestions. If you can find it your big ass North Pole heart to look past said mistake and put me back on the Nice List I'd really appreciate it.
If this happens and I know I'm probably pushing it here, but Santa, I can't help but make an additional request. I prepared my wishlist, if you get around to it, I mean...
All I want for Christmas is:
Clarity
Forgiveness
Trust
Strength
Understanding
Compassion
There are several other things that I'd like, but I don't want to be greedy AND I'm not necessarily thinking clearly these days. I dunno.
Hopefully I'll at least get off the Naughty list.
Thanks for listening and Happy Holidays big guy...
Tommy
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
more work, less play
Still working my ass off... but at least I have great people at work to keep me amused. Not my bosses so much, but like the actual employees. I'm serious when I say that I was mexican in another life. There is just no other explanation. I love everything about the culture for the most part, I just love it all. But that's not the point of this blog.
Last week one of the guys at work, we call him Coco...short for Cocodrilo (which is crocodile in spanish) was working with me. He normally works as part of the shipping team, but I needed an extra hand in my department so my fellow supervisor let me borrow him and one other guy, we call him Ladies man, lol. Anyway... these guys were helping me organize some stuff and get cleaned up and my boss came up. He immediately starts talking smack and has just an arrogant beligerant tone about him when Coco puffs up...stands in between my boss and I and says, "HEY you got a problem con tommy, you got a problem con me." I couldn't do anything but smile. I was weak. Even my boss had to step back and say, damn... I need people like that working for me.
I had an interview on Tuesday. It was with the DMV... I dunno... I hate my job most days and I definitely hate the long ass hours I work and seven day work weeks, but... I'm scared to find something different. Does that make any sense? I'm scared that the grass isn't always greener, etc etc etc.
It all goes back to me wanting to win the lottery. I dunno. There is a chance of me having the weekend off this weekend...won't know until tomorrow.... keeping my fingers crossed.
Last week one of the guys at work, we call him Coco...short for Cocodrilo (which is crocodile in spanish) was working with me. He normally works as part of the shipping team, but I needed an extra hand in my department so my fellow supervisor let me borrow him and one other guy, we call him Ladies man, lol. Anyway... these guys were helping me organize some stuff and get cleaned up and my boss came up. He immediately starts talking smack and has just an arrogant beligerant tone about him when Coco puffs up...stands in between my boss and I and says, "HEY you got a problem con tommy, you got a problem con me." I couldn't do anything but smile. I was weak. Even my boss had to step back and say, damn... I need people like that working for me.
I had an interview on Tuesday. It was with the DMV... I dunno... I hate my job most days and I definitely hate the long ass hours I work and seven day work weeks, but... I'm scared to find something different. Does that make any sense? I'm scared that the grass isn't always greener, etc etc etc.
It all goes back to me wanting to win the lottery. I dunno. There is a chance of me having the weekend off this weekend...won't know until tomorrow.... keeping my fingers crossed.
Monday, November 1, 2010
on the plus side
On the plus side... after blogging last night, I felt a lot better. Jen was waiting there for me and we talked a few more minutes about things on our minds... it was funny though, right before we had some incredibly quick sex (it was already way past my old ass bedtime...) Jen looked at me and said, "You blogged about this didnt you..." LOL. At least she knows me.
After the quickie that we both desperately needed Jen held me for a sec and said, "Hun, there's no way that you aren't gay." Puzzled I asked how she could be so sure... her response was, "I've been with enough women to know that the things you do and what you're capable of in the bedroom... well lets just say if you were pretending or in a phase, you wouldn't be nearly so damn good End of story, you're gay."
Well then that's settled. Lol. Glad she could clear that up for me... AND an ego boost like no other. Who doesn't want to be told they are a rock star in bed and complimented on their tongue skills, lol.
The spark will come back when our schedules mesh up a lil better than they have. Jen reminded me that we can make it through anything... easier to remember when I've had a decent nights sleep.
For now, a few applications to fill out and Sex and the City 2 with Jen :)...
After the quickie that we both desperately needed Jen held me for a sec and said, "Hun, there's no way that you aren't gay." Puzzled I asked how she could be so sure... her response was, "I've been with enough women to know that the things you do and what you're capable of in the bedroom... well lets just say if you were pretending or in a phase, you wouldn't be nearly so damn good End of story, you're gay."
Well then that's settled. Lol. Glad she could clear that up for me... AND an ego boost like no other. Who doesn't want to be told they are a rock star in bed and complimented on their tongue skills, lol.
The spark will come back when our schedules mesh up a lil better than they have. Jen reminded me that we can make it through anything... easier to remember when I've had a decent nights sleep.
For now, a few applications to fill out and Sex and the City 2 with Jen :)...
Fizzle
I just finished a 21 day working streak with no day off. Let's just say I don't recommend it to anyone. To unplug, I got a hotel room... I seemed to have extra money for a change so it was justifiable in my mind and I escaped. I told Jen that I just needed to do this for my own mental health...which anyone who really knows me, knows that I'm not kidding.
I voluntarily committed myself about six years ago after the death of my grandfather... I was going through a serious bout of depression...which then made doctors think I was bipolar among other things... long story short, my short stint in the nut house, which was ridiculous... they took my shoe laces, cds, and anything I or someone else could harm themselves with... checked to ensure we returned our silverware after eating in the cafeteria, etc... I got the bill and even with what my insurance covered, that was the most expensive one night getaway EVER. I then vowed to my mom that if I ever felt the need to get away or unplug that I think a Holiday Inn would be sufficient. Granted the bed in the Super 8 sucked and my back hurt this morning, but it was awesome to get uninterrupted sleep... just have me time and be alone with my thoughts.
I checked my voicemails from yesterday this morning and it dawned on me why I had "extra" money... I fucking forgot to make my car payment... I thought for sure I had, since I pay it along with all of my other middle of the month bills, but apparently I got sidetracked or distracted and forgot to finish. Now I have about four bucks to my name until Thursday when I get paid... which is doable, so long as nothing else I forgot about clears before then. Oh and rent is due tomorrow... I guess everyone is allowed an irresponsible moment every now and then.
She'll probably get pissed if she reads this and sees that I'm venting via blog, which is part of the reason I've considered starting a new one that she doesnt know about... but I'd rather her be mad than to seem like I'm hiding shit... long story short, I think Jen and I are fizzling out.
Things have been strained a lot lately. I can blame a lot of it on my crazy work schedule and the fact that we rarely see each other. It's tough. Even when we get to see each other, neither of us are in the same mood. It's like we are incapable of both being happy at the same time... If I'm excited, she's drained or in a bad mood and vice versa. I've been picking up signs here and there, but have been scared to say anything because I don't want to stir up a bunch of shit.
Well tonight, after she and lil man got back from trick or treating, and he was in bed... I finally talked to her. I told her my concerns about how I think it's just a matter of time before she calls it quits. Her biggest complaints about me are: (my own paraphrasing here)... I'm anal as hell when it comes to cleaning and she doesn't feel like she can do anything right or in a way that's going to keep me from cleaning right behind her and that I'm always so fucking negative. I'm a bubble buster. If she's happy about something then I'm going to find something to rain on her parade...AND she doesn't feel like she can talk to me anymore because she gets really tired of me telling her that she worries too much or that she needs to stop freaking out.... among other things.
One of my questions for her this evening was: What is keeping you here? That's when my concern/fear (I'm not sure of what word to use here) became apparent... Her response was, I don't know. Oddly enough, that is the answer I was expecting--unfortunately that didn't make it any easier to hear.
It was at that point she said she was done talking and went to bed. I got in the bathtub and soaked for a while, climbed into bed and felt that same enormous distance that I've felt for a while now... We talked a little bit more and it turns out that about a month or so ago she vented to a friend of hers back home in Colorado. Her friend agreed that she was entitled and justified in feeling the way she was. So I asked okay, so when are you going to talk to me about it? The general gist of the story was that she doesn't want to hurt my feelings and she doesn't want to deal with the lash out that she thinks will follow... apparently whatever it is, is crucial if she thinks I'm going to fly off the handle and say really hateful shit afterwards.
I dunno. I just want to her to talk to me. I'm tired of us both walking on egg shells around the other and neither of us saying what we really feel. I told her before I got back out of bed to check tomorrows weather and blog to ease my mind so that I can sleep before a long day in work hell... I told her that one of my fears is that either one or both of us is only sticking this out because of the lease. She mentioned that I've joked about that before... but seriously, here lately I feel like that's all we have in common.
To top it off I'm going to admit to something that isn't easy for me to do at all. I think I'm having a sexual identity crisis. I'm by no means saying that i'm not gay or that I want to go have sex with men, but what I am saying is that i've been thinking a lot lately. I'm currently in my girlie phase. I alternate and go through phases where i make a genuine effort to feel feminine... the make up, the hair... my hair is the longest its been in years... make up is warn at least 6 days a week and I even considered carrying a purse a few days ago... Part of me wants to think this is because of the twentyish pounds I've lost just from working all the damn time... but I digress...
I've been thinking shit like, if I hadn't been raped when I was 19, a couple of months before my 20th birthday, would I still be gay? If my first time had been voluntary and not because some shit was slipped into my beer at a frat party... would I still be in the same place that I am now? I'd still be attracted to women, because well that's kind of always been a thing... once I let myself acknowledge it anyway. I dunno... it's hard to put into words and even saying shit like this has me freaking out because of the number of people potentially judging me, beginning with the most important, JEn. Because yes, I talked to her about this stuff tonight as well. I admitted to her that the reason I have given her so much shit in the past in reference to "if we ever break up, I'm not convinced she wouldn't go back to men" is because sometimes I wonder about me. How do I know if this is the real me or not? I have so much shit happening in my head right now it's not even funny.
Years ago, I was dating this guy and I fell hard and fast for him. (My past progressed like this: Rape, turbo whore because I thought the only way guys would like me is if I fucked them... playing with girls.... this guy.... girls full time....all in a short period of time if that makes sense)... This guy was in the navy and was here doing some type of training class for a few months. When it was time for him to leave I thought for sure he'd be asking me to go back to GA/FL with him.... he never asked. It turned out that he wasn't divorced like he claimed... he was still married and his wife was expecting their first child. I had been the other woman... someone to keep him amused while his wife was back home, out of state... I was distraught. Shortly thereafter I moved to Nashville TN for a change of scenery... and had sworn off men completely... I was heart broken. At least with women, I could be the dominant one, I could be in control, I could have things go any way I wanted to. Played, partied, and had quite a bit of fun... but got homesick...
Came back to VA and within a month was dating Stephanie. I had known her for a few years, but we never really ever hung out. She had always been in a relationship with the love of her life...but had actually just moved back to the area after said love of her life had ditched her for a dude (after they had both moved and bought a house in NY...) She and my mom, and eventually me all worked at the same place... we ended up dating for about two years or so... but it was rough. We'd break up for weeks and months in between, say hateful shit to each other. She made me wreck my truck (well indirectly... she was arguing with me on the phone and wouldn't drop it and I rearended someone on the interstate in morning rush hour traffic...) I tried to run her over at one point after that, lol....
Wow...I'm rambling... it's late and that alarm will be going off soon...but I have to get all of this nonsense out. After Stephanie and I broke up and had several months of just me time and then met Maggie.... Maggie was WAY older than me, but I was attracted to that aspect. Unfortunately she was way more immature than I was. She was content smoking pot 24/7 and hooking up with her ex on the regular.
It was about six months into dating maggie and being miserable, just not really having the balls to say fuck you it's over for real when I started talking to Jen. I made it clear to Jen that I was in a relationship, and she was quite innocent. But then it turned into me thinking more about Jen than I was about maggie, to include the times when I was laying right there next to Maggie. So while I didn't physically cheat... I may as well have.
November 8th is when we made our relationship official... merely 4 days after my break up with Maggie. I didn't speak to maggie for a year and half...though recently added her as a friend on facebook with jens approval... (jen wanted to be flaunted and she wanted maggie to see how happy we are...but then when maggie started cmmenting on stuff, Jen wanted her deleted, lol... I still haven't done that, just on principle.) I fell hard and quick for Jen... that was almost 2 years ago. I'm wondering if my relationship shelf life is 2 years and that's it... or if Jen and I will work through this rough patch we are experiencing.
None of this probably makes sense, but I just don't know how else to say what It is that I'm trying to say. I'm confused. I'm confused as to how the two of us can just seem numb and be going through the motions, but not really feeling anything anymore. I'm curious as to what's really on her mind and what she vented to her friend about a month or so ago. Tonight when I questioned her about when she'd tell me about it, she just said she wasn't ready. I laid there for a few more minutes waiting for her to say good night I love you... I got tired of waiting and came into the other room, where I am now. it's a bummer. I hear all the things that she dislikes about me...I very rarely here any positives. I'm sure she feels the same way.
I'm just curious as to what this all means. She told me that it's like we are both on separate roads. I agree with her. Neither of us are headed to the same place, even if we don't know where our individual destinations are, we just know that there's no way in hell that we are gonna end up at the same place.
My mind is racing. It's a waiting game and the ball is in her court. I just dont know much of anything right now. I can't help but feel like the spice has up and left and the fizzle is moving in quickly.
Well, she just came out here looking for me...wondering when I was coming back to bed. I guess that's a good sign if she missed me in the bed....right? I just dont know much of anything right now. Nothing at all.
I voluntarily committed myself about six years ago after the death of my grandfather... I was going through a serious bout of depression...which then made doctors think I was bipolar among other things... long story short, my short stint in the nut house, which was ridiculous... they took my shoe laces, cds, and anything I or someone else could harm themselves with... checked to ensure we returned our silverware after eating in the cafeteria, etc... I got the bill and even with what my insurance covered, that was the most expensive one night getaway EVER. I then vowed to my mom that if I ever felt the need to get away or unplug that I think a Holiday Inn would be sufficient. Granted the bed in the Super 8 sucked and my back hurt this morning, but it was awesome to get uninterrupted sleep... just have me time and be alone with my thoughts.
I checked my voicemails from yesterday this morning and it dawned on me why I had "extra" money... I fucking forgot to make my car payment... I thought for sure I had, since I pay it along with all of my other middle of the month bills, but apparently I got sidetracked or distracted and forgot to finish. Now I have about four bucks to my name until Thursday when I get paid... which is doable, so long as nothing else I forgot about clears before then. Oh and rent is due tomorrow... I guess everyone is allowed an irresponsible moment every now and then.
She'll probably get pissed if she reads this and sees that I'm venting via blog, which is part of the reason I've considered starting a new one that she doesnt know about... but I'd rather her be mad than to seem like I'm hiding shit... long story short, I think Jen and I are fizzling out.
Things have been strained a lot lately. I can blame a lot of it on my crazy work schedule and the fact that we rarely see each other. It's tough. Even when we get to see each other, neither of us are in the same mood. It's like we are incapable of both being happy at the same time... If I'm excited, she's drained or in a bad mood and vice versa. I've been picking up signs here and there, but have been scared to say anything because I don't want to stir up a bunch of shit.
Well tonight, after she and lil man got back from trick or treating, and he was in bed... I finally talked to her. I told her my concerns about how I think it's just a matter of time before she calls it quits. Her biggest complaints about me are: (my own paraphrasing here)... I'm anal as hell when it comes to cleaning and she doesn't feel like she can do anything right or in a way that's going to keep me from cleaning right behind her and that I'm always so fucking negative. I'm a bubble buster. If she's happy about something then I'm going to find something to rain on her parade...AND she doesn't feel like she can talk to me anymore because she gets really tired of me telling her that she worries too much or that she needs to stop freaking out.... among other things.
One of my questions for her this evening was: What is keeping you here? That's when my concern/fear (I'm not sure of what word to use here) became apparent... Her response was, I don't know. Oddly enough, that is the answer I was expecting--unfortunately that didn't make it any easier to hear.
It was at that point she said she was done talking and went to bed. I got in the bathtub and soaked for a while, climbed into bed and felt that same enormous distance that I've felt for a while now... We talked a little bit more and it turns out that about a month or so ago she vented to a friend of hers back home in Colorado. Her friend agreed that she was entitled and justified in feeling the way she was. So I asked okay, so when are you going to talk to me about it? The general gist of the story was that she doesn't want to hurt my feelings and she doesn't want to deal with the lash out that she thinks will follow... apparently whatever it is, is crucial if she thinks I'm going to fly off the handle and say really hateful shit afterwards.
I dunno. I just want to her to talk to me. I'm tired of us both walking on egg shells around the other and neither of us saying what we really feel. I told her before I got back out of bed to check tomorrows weather and blog to ease my mind so that I can sleep before a long day in work hell... I told her that one of my fears is that either one or both of us is only sticking this out because of the lease. She mentioned that I've joked about that before... but seriously, here lately I feel like that's all we have in common.
To top it off I'm going to admit to something that isn't easy for me to do at all. I think I'm having a sexual identity crisis. I'm by no means saying that i'm not gay or that I want to go have sex with men, but what I am saying is that i've been thinking a lot lately. I'm currently in my girlie phase. I alternate and go through phases where i make a genuine effort to feel feminine... the make up, the hair... my hair is the longest its been in years... make up is warn at least 6 days a week and I even considered carrying a purse a few days ago... Part of me wants to think this is because of the twentyish pounds I've lost just from working all the damn time... but I digress...
I've been thinking shit like, if I hadn't been raped when I was 19, a couple of months before my 20th birthday, would I still be gay? If my first time had been voluntary and not because some shit was slipped into my beer at a frat party... would I still be in the same place that I am now? I'd still be attracted to women, because well that's kind of always been a thing... once I let myself acknowledge it anyway. I dunno... it's hard to put into words and even saying shit like this has me freaking out because of the number of people potentially judging me, beginning with the most important, JEn. Because yes, I talked to her about this stuff tonight as well. I admitted to her that the reason I have given her so much shit in the past in reference to "if we ever break up, I'm not convinced she wouldn't go back to men" is because sometimes I wonder about me. How do I know if this is the real me or not? I have so much shit happening in my head right now it's not even funny.
Years ago, I was dating this guy and I fell hard and fast for him. (My past progressed like this: Rape, turbo whore because I thought the only way guys would like me is if I fucked them... playing with girls.... this guy.... girls full time....all in a short period of time if that makes sense)... This guy was in the navy and was here doing some type of training class for a few months. When it was time for him to leave I thought for sure he'd be asking me to go back to GA/FL with him.... he never asked. It turned out that he wasn't divorced like he claimed... he was still married and his wife was expecting their first child. I had been the other woman... someone to keep him amused while his wife was back home, out of state... I was distraught. Shortly thereafter I moved to Nashville TN for a change of scenery... and had sworn off men completely... I was heart broken. At least with women, I could be the dominant one, I could be in control, I could have things go any way I wanted to. Played, partied, and had quite a bit of fun... but got homesick...
Came back to VA and within a month was dating Stephanie. I had known her for a few years, but we never really ever hung out. She had always been in a relationship with the love of her life...but had actually just moved back to the area after said love of her life had ditched her for a dude (after they had both moved and bought a house in NY...) She and my mom, and eventually me all worked at the same place... we ended up dating for about two years or so... but it was rough. We'd break up for weeks and months in between, say hateful shit to each other. She made me wreck my truck (well indirectly... she was arguing with me on the phone and wouldn't drop it and I rearended someone on the interstate in morning rush hour traffic...) I tried to run her over at one point after that, lol....
Wow...I'm rambling... it's late and that alarm will be going off soon...but I have to get all of this nonsense out. After Stephanie and I broke up and had several months of just me time and then met Maggie.... Maggie was WAY older than me, but I was attracted to that aspect. Unfortunately she was way more immature than I was. She was content smoking pot 24/7 and hooking up with her ex on the regular.
It was about six months into dating maggie and being miserable, just not really having the balls to say fuck you it's over for real when I started talking to Jen. I made it clear to Jen that I was in a relationship, and she was quite innocent. But then it turned into me thinking more about Jen than I was about maggie, to include the times when I was laying right there next to Maggie. So while I didn't physically cheat... I may as well have.
November 8th is when we made our relationship official... merely 4 days after my break up with Maggie. I didn't speak to maggie for a year and half...though recently added her as a friend on facebook with jens approval... (jen wanted to be flaunted and she wanted maggie to see how happy we are...but then when maggie started cmmenting on stuff, Jen wanted her deleted, lol... I still haven't done that, just on principle.) I fell hard and quick for Jen... that was almost 2 years ago. I'm wondering if my relationship shelf life is 2 years and that's it... or if Jen and I will work through this rough patch we are experiencing.
None of this probably makes sense, but I just don't know how else to say what It is that I'm trying to say. I'm confused. I'm confused as to how the two of us can just seem numb and be going through the motions, but not really feeling anything anymore. I'm curious as to what's really on her mind and what she vented to her friend about a month or so ago. Tonight when I questioned her about when she'd tell me about it, she just said she wasn't ready. I laid there for a few more minutes waiting for her to say good night I love you... I got tired of waiting and came into the other room, where I am now. it's a bummer. I hear all the things that she dislikes about me...I very rarely here any positives. I'm sure she feels the same way.
I'm just curious as to what this all means. She told me that it's like we are both on separate roads. I agree with her. Neither of us are headed to the same place, even if we don't know where our individual destinations are, we just know that there's no way in hell that we are gonna end up at the same place.
My mind is racing. It's a waiting game and the ball is in her court. I just dont know much of anything right now. I can't help but feel like the spice has up and left and the fizzle is moving in quickly.
Well, she just came out here looking for me...wondering when I was coming back to bed. I guess that's a good sign if she missed me in the bed....right? I just dont know much of anything right now. Nothing at all.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
It occurred to me
It occurred to me in the strangest place. The toilet. The toilet is a place that I love to be. I do my best thinking there sometimes. This particular evening (tonight about three minutes ago)...I was searching for new blogs to follow. Sometimes I use the next blog feature, other times I search by keyword (which is nine times out of ten way more productive)... all while contemplating the workings of the universe and hoping we don't run out of toilet paper before payday... ha. Anyway, it came to me...
I was getting ready to blog, it was going to be yet another boring bitch fest about how I hate my job and I fucked up at work and these are the repercussions type of blog, but it occurred to me that it's been a LONG fucking time since I blogged about something awesome, happy, or just down right great....
Tonight is the night folks. Tonight is the mother fucking night. Here's some of the good shit that doesn't get mentioned in my blogs as of late:
Lil Man started 1st grade...
I got to visit my favorite place... Cape Hatteras, NC--when my brother got married on 9/11/10
This is lil man and my brother's (new wife's daughter)...so daughter, she's a lil over a year older than lil man...they don't normally get along this well ;) Lil man was the ring bearer
My brother before the wedding... yes, holding the bouquet (a decorated conch shell) AND yes, wearing a tuxedo t-shirt...lol. Why the hell he tucked it in, I dunno...when I asked him later about it he responded, he said "He was keeping it classy."
The real story, lol
Me relaxing after the wedding... Jen didn't get to make it because of work...it was just me and lil man and pepper. I'm growing my hair out for some reason AND haven't colored it in over 6 months if you can believe that. I need a trim some kind of bed...but hey at least the front looks good.
My niece Charley turned one year old. She is such a doll baby... I just love that lil girl...wish I got to see her more (and her mom)... the was before the cake shenanigans... she was already wore out from playing and just let me hold her. I'm going through the I want a baby stage. Jen and I are in talks...she already has one...it's my turn, I'm just way to broke right now.
Jen and lil man... my family :) I love her more than life itself (but not in a creepy way, haha)... and I love him to death too. We are about to hit our two year anniversary... tomorrow will be a month away. Kind of a big deal.
The two of us... :)
Charley with Granny (my mom)...
Me and Charley
Admit it...SHE'S FUCKING ADORABLE...drool and all :)
Lil man and I being dumb and posing for photo ops...
And my latest painting. I decided to go simple. I like it. It's hanging on the living room wall :) Hooray for cape hatteras, nc...
And for now...we'll leave it at that. I"m not completely miserable... I just forget to mention the good stuff sometimes.
I was getting ready to blog, it was going to be yet another boring bitch fest about how I hate my job and I fucked up at work and these are the repercussions type of blog, but it occurred to me that it's been a LONG fucking time since I blogged about something awesome, happy, or just down right great....
Tonight is the night folks. Tonight is the mother fucking night. Here's some of the good shit that doesn't get mentioned in my blogs as of late:
Lil Man started 1st grade...
Friday, October 1, 2010
the waiting game
I'm waiting.
I sit patiently with an abnormal addition, a vodka/light hawaiian punch... I'm waiting for jen to get off of work. I'm craving her. I want to lick her and love her, pin her down and just engulf her.. I want to absorb her, soak her up into every ounce of my being.
The only thing abnormal about this is the vodka chilling in my glass. Vodka inspired by fear, by collapse, by defeat. Inspired by yet another mishap. I don't understand it.
Today was such a great day overall. I got home by 5 o'clock... had some me time, unwound a lil bit, took a hot bath... then my phone beeped with a text message. It was my boss and it was after 6, this made no sense. As I opened the phone to read the text I prayed for a text saying that there was no work tomorrow after all. NOT THE CASE. The text said and I quote:
"Unbelievable story just wanted to share. Got a call from O who got a call from T who got a call from S n L. They were went 1 pallet of the wrong trays again.????????"
Yeah, remember the last blog I wrote, the one about sending the wrong items on the transfer order. Well apparently by some freak act of nature and warehousing in general, we sent a pallet of the wrong stuff TWO TIMES, not just once now. By we, I mean me. Now I'm enjoying some vodka and waiting for Jen to get home... in hopes of doing deviant things to her and trying like HELL to not think about the fact that I don't know how long I'll still have a job. I'm freaking out.
Fuck me in the ass sideways... (NOT LITERALLY). I'm scared.
I sit patiently with an abnormal addition, a vodka/light hawaiian punch... I'm waiting for jen to get off of work. I'm craving her. I want to lick her and love her, pin her down and just engulf her.. I want to absorb her, soak her up into every ounce of my being.
The only thing abnormal about this is the vodka chilling in my glass. Vodka inspired by fear, by collapse, by defeat. Inspired by yet another mishap. I don't understand it.
Today was such a great day overall. I got home by 5 o'clock... had some me time, unwound a lil bit, took a hot bath... then my phone beeped with a text message. It was my boss and it was after 6, this made no sense. As I opened the phone to read the text I prayed for a text saying that there was no work tomorrow after all. NOT THE CASE. The text said and I quote:
"Unbelievable story just wanted to share. Got a call from O who got a call from T who got a call from S n L. They were went 1 pallet of the wrong trays again.????????"
Yeah, remember the last blog I wrote, the one about sending the wrong items on the transfer order. Well apparently by some freak act of nature and warehousing in general, we sent a pallet of the wrong stuff TWO TIMES, not just once now. By we, I mean me. Now I'm enjoying some vodka and waiting for Jen to get home... in hopes of doing deviant things to her and trying like HELL to not think about the fact that I don't know how long I'll still have a job. I'm freaking out.
Fuck me in the ass sideways... (NOT LITERALLY). I'm scared.
Friday, September 24, 2010
I fucked up
It's official, I fucked up. I was in charge of a transfer order a couple of weeks ago. I pulled all the inventory for the order and then gave it to the shipping supervisor to get out the door. I found out today that some of the trays I sent were the wrong ones. This lead to the right ones needing to be overnighted from VA to Washington State which cost the company about 800 bucks. We also had to send the balance of the trays that were needed for the company we outsourced some work to, to complete and ship on time out via estes... about 13 pallets.
The crappy thing is that there was no system of checks and balances. The shipping supervisor didn't even have paperwork for what was supposed to go out to verify that what I gave him was correct. I never have a quality person working with me to verify stuff so it's like Im expected to never make a mistake.
I dunno. With everything else that is happening in work hell, I just feel like this is the ammunition they needed to get me out the door sooner than later. I've never been in a situation with such a serious "boys club"... Here's the deal:
I'm:
Female
Gay
Independent
A strong mind
Opinionated
A thinker
A leader
a by the book/follow procedures person
They are:
Male
Hetero
recruiters of Yes men
want things their way
Hate it when someone points out a fault in their plan
I dunno...it's ridiculous. I don't even want to talk about it anymore. But it seem sto be all I have to talk about. This is where I spend all my time. I never see Jen, I never have money even though I work all these hours because of this ass raping called salary... but I should be able to see the blesssings right... I should appreciate the small things... IT'S FUCKING HARD.
I called my mom this afternoon on lunch. It's hard because I never see her anymore either compared to what I used to. All I do is work AND now that I live 40 minutes away my visits are quite limited. I'm going through withdrawls. They decided about 11 o'clock that we need to work tomorrow after saying all week that we were going to be off this saturday. This is what pisses me off. I cried. I cried I cried.
I was upset because my niece just turned one on Wednesday and Saturday was to be the day taht I could spend time with her since she lives out of town...along with my sister. Now my time is limited. Very limited. After the party that I'm going to be late for, I need to try and give my grandma a perm. I'm not going to have a weekend free for a while because of work and when I do have free time I/m going to have to be doing Santa's hair getting him ready for his gigs...
It's not that I cant say no. It's just that I rely on some things for extra money (money which is needed and not really extra actually)... like gmas perm, or santas hair, or my client that I do about every 5 weeks.
I'm stressed all the time, I have no money to just do whatever with. I have property taxes due and no way to pay it right now... this is really bumming me out. I'mt rying to make it work, I really am. It's just hard.
I cried when I got home today. Jen was still here, she was getting ready for work, lil man was with the sitter. Its hard. I want to tell her about my day and all the things on my mind, but then she worries about me and stresses out more than she should. She said she feels helpless because when she offers help I dont want it. She has her own financial obligations and I feel bad enough only being able to do what little I can, I don't want to feel like I'm gettin an allowance from her you know. I'm not overly proud... I just think that her money could be better spent, bills, groceries etc.
I feel like I never have a day off because even when I am at home as few as those instances are, I'm cleaning, scrubbing, doing six loads of laundry, or somethign to that effect. Why can't I turn off my things need to be clean self? I was going to clean tonight but just said fuck it. Whats the point, it will be dirty again tomorrow. Nothing seems to get put back up unless I do it. Nothing gets put away unless I do it. Jen has given up to some extent because she hates how I come behind her and clean what she's just cleaned. Well you know what IM SORRY. I'm sorry that when I walk into a bathroom that has just been cleaned and see pee around the base of the toilet from the only person in the house that has an aiming device but hasn't mastered it yet that I feel compelled to clean it. I'm sorry that i can only walk over the same wad of dog hair on the carpet for so many days in a row. I'm sorry that I think we should cook dinner, like actually means and not do fast food or take out except for special occassions... but by the time I get home It's too late for that to happen and not have a six year old freaking out about how hungry he is.
I'm sorry that for some reason Ic an't do anything right in the eyes of a 6 year old because I don't think the way he has been acting is school is tolerable. I'm sorry that I had to overhear him for the second day in a row tell the babysitter that he wanted her to read to him and not me because I read too fast and don't say the words right. (Which I don't, he just wants me to read it super slow or more than one book so that he can stay up later, but whatever, what do I now)...
I'm sorry that I'm over fucking sensitive and when I see the straightening iron out on the bathroom counter and Jen's hair done i immediately ask myself who she's trying to impress... I'm not used to her doing her hair... she goes through phases... but several times in one week and I'm not the one seeing her... I have to assume that she's making an effort for someone. I'm sorry I'm a jackass for thinking such things.
I'm sorry that in recent conversations I realized that Jen's fear is that I'm going to cheat on her because of the fact that I was with someone when we started talking. I never physically cheated, but in her mind, because I was laying next to one woman and thinking about a potential with her that I'll do the same thing to her eventually except she won't be the "other woman", she'll be the one I'm looking to replace. Though I don't get it. I dont have time for her much less anyone else. She sees how disgusting I am when i get home from work, how depressed i've been for several weeks/months now... why would this come up now?
this blog is meant as a means to vent only... I'm not trying to share with the entire free world that jen and I are having issues...because it's not like that. It's just the fact that in my eyes everything is amplified. I feel alone and trapped in my job, I'm overly tired, I'm super sensitive and feel like my partner and son hate me and like I can't do anything right EVER.
I'm drowning. Silently wasting away. All I can do at this point is hope and pray that I find the strength to keep going, that some great thing happens soon to solve everything that is contributing to my issues. Because at the end of the day, I'm the only common denominator in all my issues. Just me. I can't blame anyone else despite my need to bitch about everyone and everything (ie Pepper putting her paw on my keyboard as I typed and making my 1 key pop off. Awesome.
I just want to disappear sometimes. Move somewhere new and start fresh. Take my lottery winnings and see things. Settle down in somewhere like oregon or Vermont and call it a day. Summer wherever the hell I want to...
I'm crumbling under the pressure and I don't know what to do. Jen's response to my episode this afternoon did nothing but show me that she's nearing her wits end. I'm driving her mad but I cant put into words what I'm trying to say in order to communicate with her better. I always say shit wrong.
I miss the excitement that used to be in her face when I got home, now it's more of a look of dread that she's going to have to hear about how shitty my day was. I don't know what to do. This is the only me I've ever known... the one who deals with shit, shit and more shit until I finally spring a leak, break, and have to start all over again.
i'm scared. I'm scared I'm going to get fired from the job I hate before I can find something else and leave voluntarily. I'm scared that I'm going to push jen over the edge and then really be alone. i'm scared that lil man is going to grow up and hate me because I hold him accountable for shit and dont cave when he's on punishment and loses things like tv, video games or transformers... I'm scared that I'm growing apart from my family because i never see them anymore, I'm scared that pepper will grow to hate me and bite my face off in my sleep because I moved her from a 100 acre farm to an apartment, I'm scared that the dream job I want doesnt exist. I'm scared i'll be broke forever. I'm scared that I'll spend my entire life busting my ass only for nothing to come from it. I'm scared that I'm really just a failure who is too stubborn to admit it. I'm scared that I'm just incapable of doing anything right. I'm scared that I'm going to continue to lose friendships because I go through phases where I just don't want to talk to anyone, much less see them.
I'm scared of sooo many things.I'm scared that Jen will actually go to blogger after not going for so long and read this and be hurt by it because that isn't my intention. On the same note however, this is my outlet, this is my getaway, my release.
I don't care that her ex may potentially still read everything I write on here to keep tabs of her/us... I promised myself a long time ago that I wasn't going to censor myself just because I was worried about what someone my think. That's not being true to myself by any means. ANd while I'm on the subject do I get pissed off that Jen still talks to her ex, sure, sometimes. I trust jen and know that nothing is going on, but the other part of me wants to say hey... don't you wish you had admitted to yourself and everyone around you that you're gay instead of living a lie and ripping Jens heart out in the process... I dunno, that's a whole other topic and I have work in the morning so I need to get off of here anyway. Not enough hours in the day for me to truely vent, or gigabytes for that matter I suppose.
For now, i'mgoing to bed. I'm going to take pepper outside to pee and probably not pick up the pile of dog shit, should she decide to do number two. I'm going to step over the dog hair patches on the carpet, walk past the dirty dishes in the sink and folded laundry on the counter, use to toilet that I'll probably have to wipe pee off of to sit down on, lay out my clothes for work, turn on the fan so that we can accumulate a little bit more electricity charges, and climb into bed, alone because Jen is still working.
I dunno, mabye all this could be fixed with a hug. I'm scared to have a beer and kick back becuase what if tastes great and then I need a beer or five everyday... what if what if what if.
I'm thinking of changing my blog name to something more relevant:
Weeping pussy
Chickenshit
Debbie Downer
I'm open for suggestions.
The crappy thing is that there was no system of checks and balances. The shipping supervisor didn't even have paperwork for what was supposed to go out to verify that what I gave him was correct. I never have a quality person working with me to verify stuff so it's like Im expected to never make a mistake.
I dunno. With everything else that is happening in work hell, I just feel like this is the ammunition they needed to get me out the door sooner than later. I've never been in a situation with such a serious "boys club"... Here's the deal:
I'm:
Female
Gay
Independent
A strong mind
Opinionated
A thinker
A leader
a by the book/follow procedures person
They are:
Male
Hetero
recruiters of Yes men
want things their way
Hate it when someone points out a fault in their plan
I dunno...it's ridiculous. I don't even want to talk about it anymore. But it seem sto be all I have to talk about. This is where I spend all my time. I never see Jen, I never have money even though I work all these hours because of this ass raping called salary... but I should be able to see the blesssings right... I should appreciate the small things... IT'S FUCKING HARD.
I called my mom this afternoon on lunch. It's hard because I never see her anymore either compared to what I used to. All I do is work AND now that I live 40 minutes away my visits are quite limited. I'm going through withdrawls. They decided about 11 o'clock that we need to work tomorrow after saying all week that we were going to be off this saturday. This is what pisses me off. I cried. I cried I cried.
I was upset because my niece just turned one on Wednesday and Saturday was to be the day taht I could spend time with her since she lives out of town...along with my sister. Now my time is limited. Very limited. After the party that I'm going to be late for, I need to try and give my grandma a perm. I'm not going to have a weekend free for a while because of work and when I do have free time I/m going to have to be doing Santa's hair getting him ready for his gigs...
It's not that I cant say no. It's just that I rely on some things for extra money (money which is needed and not really extra actually)... like gmas perm, or santas hair, or my client that I do about every 5 weeks.
I'm stressed all the time, I have no money to just do whatever with. I have property taxes due and no way to pay it right now... this is really bumming me out. I'mt rying to make it work, I really am. It's just hard.
I cried when I got home today. Jen was still here, she was getting ready for work, lil man was with the sitter. Its hard. I want to tell her about my day and all the things on my mind, but then she worries about me and stresses out more than she should. She said she feels helpless because when she offers help I dont want it. She has her own financial obligations and I feel bad enough only being able to do what little I can, I don't want to feel like I'm gettin an allowance from her you know. I'm not overly proud... I just think that her money could be better spent, bills, groceries etc.
I feel like I never have a day off because even when I am at home as few as those instances are, I'm cleaning, scrubbing, doing six loads of laundry, or somethign to that effect. Why can't I turn off my things need to be clean self? I was going to clean tonight but just said fuck it. Whats the point, it will be dirty again tomorrow. Nothing seems to get put back up unless I do it. Nothing gets put away unless I do it. Jen has given up to some extent because she hates how I come behind her and clean what she's just cleaned. Well you know what IM SORRY. I'm sorry that when I walk into a bathroom that has just been cleaned and see pee around the base of the toilet from the only person in the house that has an aiming device but hasn't mastered it yet that I feel compelled to clean it. I'm sorry that i can only walk over the same wad of dog hair on the carpet for so many days in a row. I'm sorry that I think we should cook dinner, like actually means and not do fast food or take out except for special occassions... but by the time I get home It's too late for that to happen and not have a six year old freaking out about how hungry he is.
I'm sorry that for some reason Ic an't do anything right in the eyes of a 6 year old because I don't think the way he has been acting is school is tolerable. I'm sorry that I had to overhear him for the second day in a row tell the babysitter that he wanted her to read to him and not me because I read too fast and don't say the words right. (Which I don't, he just wants me to read it super slow or more than one book so that he can stay up later, but whatever, what do I now)...
I'm sorry that I'm over fucking sensitive and when I see the straightening iron out on the bathroom counter and Jen's hair done i immediately ask myself who she's trying to impress... I'm not used to her doing her hair... she goes through phases... but several times in one week and I'm not the one seeing her... I have to assume that she's making an effort for someone. I'm sorry I'm a jackass for thinking such things.
I'm sorry that in recent conversations I realized that Jen's fear is that I'm going to cheat on her because of the fact that I was with someone when we started talking. I never physically cheated, but in her mind, because I was laying next to one woman and thinking about a potential with her that I'll do the same thing to her eventually except she won't be the "other woman", she'll be the one I'm looking to replace. Though I don't get it. I dont have time for her much less anyone else. She sees how disgusting I am when i get home from work, how depressed i've been for several weeks/months now... why would this come up now?
this blog is meant as a means to vent only... I'm not trying to share with the entire free world that jen and I are having issues...because it's not like that. It's just the fact that in my eyes everything is amplified. I feel alone and trapped in my job, I'm overly tired, I'm super sensitive and feel like my partner and son hate me and like I can't do anything right EVER.
I'm drowning. Silently wasting away. All I can do at this point is hope and pray that I find the strength to keep going, that some great thing happens soon to solve everything that is contributing to my issues. Because at the end of the day, I'm the only common denominator in all my issues. Just me. I can't blame anyone else despite my need to bitch about everyone and everything (ie Pepper putting her paw on my keyboard as I typed and making my 1 key pop off. Awesome.
I just want to disappear sometimes. Move somewhere new and start fresh. Take my lottery winnings and see things. Settle down in somewhere like oregon or Vermont and call it a day. Summer wherever the hell I want to...
I'm crumbling under the pressure and I don't know what to do. Jen's response to my episode this afternoon did nothing but show me that she's nearing her wits end. I'm driving her mad but I cant put into words what I'm trying to say in order to communicate with her better. I always say shit wrong.
I miss the excitement that used to be in her face when I got home, now it's more of a look of dread that she's going to have to hear about how shitty my day was. I don't know what to do. This is the only me I've ever known... the one who deals with shit, shit and more shit until I finally spring a leak, break, and have to start all over again.
i'm scared. I'm scared I'm going to get fired from the job I hate before I can find something else and leave voluntarily. I'm scared that I'm going to push jen over the edge and then really be alone. i'm scared that lil man is going to grow up and hate me because I hold him accountable for shit and dont cave when he's on punishment and loses things like tv, video games or transformers... I'm scared that I'm growing apart from my family because i never see them anymore, I'm scared that pepper will grow to hate me and bite my face off in my sleep because I moved her from a 100 acre farm to an apartment, I'm scared that the dream job I want doesnt exist. I'm scared i'll be broke forever. I'm scared that I'll spend my entire life busting my ass only for nothing to come from it. I'm scared that I'm really just a failure who is too stubborn to admit it. I'm scared that I'm just incapable of doing anything right. I'm scared that I'm going to continue to lose friendships because I go through phases where I just don't want to talk to anyone, much less see them.
I'm scared of sooo many things.I'm scared that Jen will actually go to blogger after not going for so long and read this and be hurt by it because that isn't my intention. On the same note however, this is my outlet, this is my getaway, my release.
I don't care that her ex may potentially still read everything I write on here to keep tabs of her/us... I promised myself a long time ago that I wasn't going to censor myself just because I was worried about what someone my think. That's not being true to myself by any means. ANd while I'm on the subject do I get pissed off that Jen still talks to her ex, sure, sometimes. I trust jen and know that nothing is going on, but the other part of me wants to say hey... don't you wish you had admitted to yourself and everyone around you that you're gay instead of living a lie and ripping Jens heart out in the process... I dunno, that's a whole other topic and I have work in the morning so I need to get off of here anyway. Not enough hours in the day for me to truely vent, or gigabytes for that matter I suppose.
For now, i'mgoing to bed. I'm going to take pepper outside to pee and probably not pick up the pile of dog shit, should she decide to do number two. I'm going to step over the dog hair patches on the carpet, walk past the dirty dishes in the sink and folded laundry on the counter, use to toilet that I'll probably have to wipe pee off of to sit down on, lay out my clothes for work, turn on the fan so that we can accumulate a little bit more electricity charges, and climb into bed, alone because Jen is still working.
I dunno, mabye all this could be fixed with a hug. I'm scared to have a beer and kick back becuase what if tastes great and then I need a beer or five everyday... what if what if what if.
I'm thinking of changing my blog name to something more relevant:
Weeping pussy
Chickenshit
Debbie Downer
I'm open for suggestions.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
