Offer.

I found a house and made an offer.  It's in the country and is just a beautiful brick ranch style home on like 1/2 an acre or less and has a fenced in yard for pepper to run and play.  It's great.  Now the countdown begins...will the offer be accepted, what changes will have to come between now and then and will we ever get to a closing point... I hope everything works out.  Id like to once again have a place to call mine.  The kitchen is huge too... lots of space for my appliances that are in storage and waiting to be used.... just waiting... just waiting.

One shit day after another

My mood today is less than desirable, for me but especially for those around me.  I have taken a xanax to try and ease the angst that I'm feeling, but it didn't help.  I took a three and a half hour nap (which I will regret later tonight when I'm not able to sleep and have to get up at 4am for work).  I'm just fucking pissed off.

I don't feel like it's okay for me to just be in a shitty mood.  I always have to take everyone elses feelings into consideration and dammit, I don't fucking feel like it.

I want to be mad, I want to scream, I want to punch someone in the face and I want to break something all at the same time.

The fact that EVERY single time I have a day like this there always seems to be some fucking "pressing" converation to be had just pisses me off that much more.  I'm tired of being accused of being a cold hearted bitch and the fact that people around me want to sugar coat shit for them, when they know that from day one, I never have.  I don't have it in me to bullshit someone or say just what I think they want to hear. If you don't want my thoughts, don't fucking ask for them.

If you're sensitive and want me to smother you with affection, go elsewhere, I'm not going to do that either.  I don't want to do things because you want me to, I want to do it when I want to.  So fuck it.  I've accepted that this is a no fucking win situation...the kicker is however, that eventually someone has to win.  It's all in how the cards are dealt and how far I get backed into a corner.... today is not the fucking day, let me tell you.  Don't ask me my fucking thoughts because I know you can't fucking handle them.

Falling off the wagon and laying under the tire

I fell off the carb wagon.  The truth is that I talk a good game but even when I had "given up" carbs, I still hadn't eliminated a daily candy bar or some other type of treat.  I had given up bread with no problem and even fried foods, but candy bars...just couldn't do it.

Well I've been in a weird mood lately.  It pisses me off to see my dad be on this thing for a week and drop ten pounds like that.  Sure, he stuck to it to a t, but even so I justified it by saying that men always drop weight faster than women.  My uncle came and visited and he too is down 10 pounds his first week.

Fuck them.  Not really... I'm bitter, sure--but it's my own fault.  And then today, this weekend, the mood I've been in just isn't helping.  I'm full of angst and just want to punch something or break something.  I'm fine when I'm at work, it's when I'm home that seems to be the real issue.

Despite falling off the wagon, I'm still down 9 pounds since I started this whenever the hell that was, but I've decided that tomorrow is going to be my redo day.  The day where I start over and don't hold this failed attempt against me, just do something to fix it.

I'm going to give up carbs for real this time, no bullshit candy bars and other pointless prior "necessities," I'm the only one in control of this, so I might as well be the one to do something about it.  I can't blame anyone for my failures and well when it comes to taking pride in success, well it will be because I did it and no one else matters.

I told Jen that she wasn't helping the situation.  I was having to always sit around her and watch her drink regular sodas and eat bowl after bowl of cereal, and just eat whatever the hell she wanted to while I was trying to really not lose my ever fucking loving mind.  Again, she is her own person.  She says she too is going to make changes, but I can't wait for her to make them before I get motivated.

My bridesmaid dress fits so that's a plus...my goal is to have to have it taken in a bit prior to my sister's August 18th wedding.  Time will tell...one day at a time.

In other news...my job still rocks.

I just finished my second week at my new job and man do I love it.  I mean LOVE it.  I'm still learning all the components we manufacture, but the great thing is that they are taking into account that my background isn't manufacturing and have structured my position in a way that I focus on overall plant operations, but have a guy that helps oversee the manufacturing stuff if you will.

They finally picked a title for me, I'm the PLANT ADMINISTRATOR.  Yay.  I got my business cards this week so I'm official AND my prescription safety glasses have been ordered.  I met with several vendors and did various price comparisons, completed the office "clean up/reorganization" project I started at the end of my first week, and also went to lunch with my boss and the CEO.

It's awesome because here in a few weeks my boss won't be coming up weekly like he has had to do since September.  He'll be able to work from Atlanta where he lives and then only come up like once a month to see how things are going, though I'll be in constant communication with him for various projects that will be going on.

The guys are a little confused as to my "role" at the plant.  They know I'm the new chick (well only chick) and I seem to get along with everyone, (they are a good group of guys), but because of my title and the "pyramid" type diagram that shows the layout of the company as it relates to our site, there is confusion.  The chain of command used to go, CEO-VP of Engineering (my boss)-Plant Manager- and then below Plant Manager fell, QA, Production, Shipping, and Administration (because back, in the day they had a office person that ran things on the inside...)

Well I'm the Plant Administrator and my job encompasses that of Administrator AND Plant Manager.  Basically in short, I'm the manager, but I have more of a background in shipping, QA, personnel, general warehousing, safety, packaging (everything not manufacturing) than I do manufacturing.  So this time (since I'm the third person they've tried in this role--they altered it a bit to see if I would be successful)... the 1st guy lasted a year and didn't know how to treat people so was fired, the 2nd guy lied to my boss and didn't listen so he got fired, and well now there's me who knows what they did wrong so I can easily avoid that, but have to worry about screwing up in some new fashion...

At Monday's start up meeting I'm going to tell the guys that I'm going to sit down with them one on one throughout the week and give them some feedback on their performance as far as what I've observed in my first couple of weeks and give them a chance to express their concerns, comments, questions, whatever...that way they will have a better understanding that I am indeed the boss and can make or break them, without seeming pompous and like a complete ass, because that isn't my goal.

Thursday we have a team outing and are going to see the Norfolk Tides play a game... pretty cool stuff... and what a way to end my third week.  I love the whole Monday through Thursday schedule (even if I do work 11 to 12 hours on those days)... overtime is done on Friday if at all which still leaves me 2 days to relax before getting up at 4am again and doing it all over.

Yesterday I got home from work and took a hot bath.  I got so relaxed that when I got dressed I laid down and decided I'd take a short nap...this was a 6:30 pm...I woke up this morning at 6:30 am because Jen in a panic thought I had overslept and I hadn't even moved.... I NEVER sleep on only one side all night, NEVER.

I still feel like I've found my calling.  That in itself feels great.

You're Preapproved... those sketchy famous words

It's no secret that Jen and I have been trying to decide our next route in the world of "where to live?" We hadn't bargained on being at my mom's house for the entire year we have been, but are grateful for it.  I'm lucky I had notice to an upcoming lay off, since soooo many people don't get that luxury.  I could avoid renewing a lease and worrying about how I was going to pay the rent I was paying and everything else.... thank goodness.

Well since my parents' house is now officially on the market, the "where to live" issue is even more important and the sense of urgency in finding a place has increased to say the least.  Our plan this entire time was finding a place to rent and staying there a year and then buying so that we could stop freakin' moving. 

Lil man really loves the school he is at, but if we look for a place that is in that school's district, it is going to make it a ridiculous distance once he hits middle school and high school... so we are trying to keep what he wants in mind, but at the same time we are the adults and have to do what's right for the family, not just the kid.

The thought of coming up with a security deposit and first months rent to get us into a place has been overwhelming me.  My xanax intake has increased, but not to an everyday level (yet), lol... I'm trying to avoid that.  The money I had in savings is nearly completely wiped out because of the additional time I spent unemployed (again, not planned, but how can you really plan that)... So I was going to be relying on Jen to come up with this money to get us out of my parents house and into a new "rental."

She has other obligations at the moment that were going to make that difficult.  What to do what to do?  I really want to buy a house, but with an unemployment gap and no money down that was pretty much out of the question.  Late one night a couple of weeks ago I went to lendingtree.com just to see if someone would finance me anyway.

I felt much better about dumping money into my own house rather than paying out the ass to rent someone elses and not even be able to change it or fix it how I want it.  Well they matched me with 5 lenders.  I spoke with one and was preapproved almost immediately, which made me nervous as to how "over eager" this guy was.  I researched his company and there were several complaints on ripoffreport.com and they are not endorsed by the better business bureau... so sure, you say I'm preapproved, but how much of my soul am I going to have to give up in the process of finding a home.

Another was honest and said he probably couldn't do it based off of mine, but maybe he could off of Jen's so he wanted her information.  I didn't want to do it that way... I wanted the both of us to be on the loan, or at least me by myself, because I felt like I could get the better interest rate of the two of us...so I stopped dealing with him.  I couldn't find a great deal of info on him because he was a broker who was going to be finding an investor for me. 

The third took too long to even follow up with me so she to was out.

The fourth was promising, ranked by the BBB and not a lot of negative feedback and wouldn't promise anything he wasn't 100% sure of.  The things he didn't know, he researched and got back to me on.

The fifth guy I had been talking to from the start and is a company that has an A+ with the BBB and is ranked the highest with Lendingtree and seems to have nothing but positive info and feedback available on it.... He's the one who came through.  He preapproved me for a USDA loan, with the contingency that I can't close until I provide 30 days worth of pay stubs to prove my current income with my new job.  (I got my first stub yesterday for a partial check, the first full check comes at the end of the month, so no problem.)  I provided him with two years of employment history proof, paystubs from my last job, as well as unemployment benefit information... and yay...look at me, got preapproved.

The deal with a USDA loan is that it has to meet certain criteria because it is a federal loan as opposed to a FHA loan where you have to have 3% down and it's issued through a bank.  A USDA loan requires that the property be purchased in a "rural" area that has an address that is "approved" by them... there's a website for that piece.  You can't make over a certain amount of money, own any other property, or try and buy anything that has outbuildings on it, like a barn or workshop or something (has to be like a detached garage or carport if anything)

So now, I'm working with my aunt who is a realtor and also the one selling my parents house to try and find such property and make an offer.  Wait up to 60 days to actually close on the house and then move in.  I'm crossing my fingers that I'll find something that Jen also likes, lol, but is also something that is just down right fabulous that just screams Tommy (and maybe a hint of Jen, hahaha).

Wish me luck.

GASP!

My niece Charley is about 2 and 1/2 years old.  She's awesome and I love her (I'm sure I'm biased since she's my niece and all, but there aren't many kids as cool as she is...lol)

When she was visiting a couple of weeks ago she kept saying, "NO Ganny, don't black my eye..." apparently my sister says she's gonna black her eye sometimes to be funny (she doesn't hit her, lol) and Charley picked it up...

Well today I got a text from my sister that said, "Charley tripped and fell and said, JEEEEZUS, I busted my ass!!!"

I love this age and the fact that she's repeating everything.

Little man got in trouble the other day for hitting something with his bike in the driveway and yelling "JEEZUS CHRIST" really loud... okay, my bad...apparently I say that wayyyyyy more than I realized.  Gotta stop that... lucky for me, he's 8 and knows when I say not to repeat somethign I mean business.  The 2.5 year old on the other hand... NOT SO MUCH.

Day one: New job

Okay, let me just say that I may have finally found my "dream" job.  I am the new Site Manager (the title is still up in the air because some want me called office manager because I'll manage HR, do all the office stuff, but in addition, I also manage safety, plan production, etc... so site manager is what they are considering...but that doesn't matter...they are just words

I have a cell phone (an iphone that used to be the guy I replaced), a laptop, a brand new laptop bag/briefcase to keep all my crap together, several company shirts, the master key, a key to the company truck for running errands, and was added to the account they have with a vendor so that I can make purchases and bill it to the company.

I feel like such a grown up.  It's a new industry for me... I left the world of flower bulbs and have entered one that revolves around fireplaces (sort of)... But I can learn it and I can rock it... I have about ten guys working for me and I'm the only female on site, but hey, that's cool too...

I'm super excited, there is a company outing already planned which I'll be a part of later this month and it just seems like I've finally found my place.

Sure, it's day one and plenty can go wrong... I'm sure that in a few months I'll be bitching about something that pisses me off about the place or the people, or a broken machine... but hey... I don't care.  I'm working FINALLY (six months unemployed sucked on soooo many levels) and I'm doing something that is what I've wanted to do for a while now...  HOLLA!

I can't believe he friggin' said that

So I start my new job tomorrow which is excellent because I've missed the routine of reporting to work and having stuff to do reguarly for six months.  Before I was extended an offer however, my references had to be called. 

This was concerning because my most recent supervisor and I didn't get along.  We faught all the time, I was consistently insubordinate, and he always found a way to belittle my work and do things to piss me off in hopes that I would snap.

The entire time we worked together I never friended him on facebook. I am just as open on facebook as I am in blogging (a bit less than blogging actually, but anyway...) Luckily, as the lay off approached we called a truce and just kept it moving...

He told me I could use him as a reference and when my new boss called him for a reference apparently he had nice things to say which included that he'd hire me again... (though Ih ave a hard time believing)

So anyway about a month or so ago, I added my old boss on facebook, I figured hey it was a safe thing to do.  Well I get a message from him after he talked to my now current boss... He said that my now new boss really sounded like he wanted to hire me and that he wished me well.  I jokingly responded that I was worried he'd tell the guy the "truth" and I'd never be hired anywhere....

He then responded with (my paraphrasing of course): Tommy, you are great at what you do but you just share too much personal information about yourself... if you think of the "perfect" boss for you and then be that same "perfect" boss for your employees, you'll be fine, just keep your personal life out of it.

Sure this makes sense, but it bothered me.  You see prior to the layoff we worked as much as 90 hours in a week.  I was at work wayyyyyy more than I was at home and the only people I talked to at that time were my coworkers, 2 fellow supervisors (1 of which I talked to more than the other, because the other annoyed the piss out of me) and then my boss, who Id talk to about random stuff.  Since I'm gay, I'd always be the one at lunch if we all went out to ask a woman who had a nice rack if they were real or not because they were chicken shits and I wasn't, but could ask without sounding like an asshole... Out of the 3, I talked to 1 more than anyone, whether I was venting or talking to him about his family, didn't matter, we just talked because we were the only ones we'd see most of the time, not necessarily because we were best friends.... (if that makes sense)

Well I learned the hard way that it is imparative to success in management that you keep your work and personal life as separate as possible.  Even when I was interviewing I'd play the pronoun game so that no one knew my fiance was a woman, I didn't share details about lil man other than his age or grade, and even now when I start work tomorrow I plan on keeping it basic which is going to be difficult because sometimes in order to get a rapport with your people you have to be friendly and be part of the conversation and if they're talking about their wives then you should too... The point is that it's a fine balance and I have a better concept of how to keep it just that, balanced...

But the part that pissed me off about his comment was that he mixed personal/work just as much as I did and a lot of the time he was the one that initiated conversations.

Maybe I got mad because it was something that I didn't want to hear... maybe I needed to hear it... either way, I've got a new job, a chance for a clean slate, and I can be whoever I choose to be. I can't believe he said that I was great at what I do... I just wanted to say, look ass, why did you have such a problem telling me that when you were my boss and making me feel like shit.... I've got a lot riding on this opportunity and I'm not going to let someone else's opinion fuck it up for me.  I've got this.  I know more now than i did then... life has a learning curve ya know... luckily for me my mistakes didn't cripple me permanently. 

I've got this.

Can we just get this over with already?

I've mentioned before that my parents are putting their house on the market.  This is the house that I've called home off and on for 26 years...we built it and have lived here since.  Well when I found out last spring that I was going to be getting laid off from my job sometime by the end of the year, Jen and I opted to not renew our lease and we moved back to the stixx and out of civilization back to the house I've always known.

In theory this was a sweet gig, but it meant a longer commute, no high speed internet (which took me away from my blogging which turns out to be the one outlet that I NEED in order to avoid becoming addicted to my xanax script, lol) and going from a 2 bedroom with 3 people and my dog to a 4 bedroom with 6 people and 3 dogs (unless company is in, which is frequent so more people and more dogs).  Luckily when my parents built this house they made it fairly roomy, like 2900 or some feet I think, so I've been pretty spoiled when it comes to space. 

Mom and dad in one room, lil man got his own room (which he always loves), Jen and I share one, my aunt has a room, everyone's respective dog crashes with them in said room and there's the other normal stuff...so we aren't cramped really but when you put that many people in a house and consider the differences in personality, opinion, tastes in food, and having 1 eight year old who then has five parents rather than 2 (because yes, everyone tells him what to do, lol) it gets rough.  It's rough on Jen and I because we are living under my parents rules (which are fairly leniant, they aren't the crazy overbearing ones, but it's still rough to remain respectful at all times and not feel like you are walking on eggshells a lot of the time) I'm digressing a great deal here but the point is it's not easy.  I love that we had somewhere to go when things got tough (living off of unemployment the last 6 months and still trying to contribute to the bills here and put money away isn't always possible. But part of that can be for another blog.

Well in order to get the house on the market, which they wanted to have listed by May 1st there was a lot to do and needless to say on today, June 3rd, it's still not on the market but tomorrow the photographer will be coming to take pics of the house and get everything he needs for the virtual tour on the realtor's website. 

So remember how I said this house is 26 years old... well things were  alot different in 1986, when I was five or six than they are now (especially when it comes to homes).  We had a lot of updating to do.  My parents didn't want to put too much money into because they knew they were going to probably lose more than it was worth, but we did the basics.  This ranged from scraping wallpaper and removing randomness, new paint, touching up the stain on all the wood work, pressure washing the vinyl on the house and garage, filling holes in the driveway, and keeping everything spotless for pictures. 

Periodically my mom will have a meltdown and go off about how she's never going to be able to move or get the house on the market and none of it matters etc etc etc... so then you have me, the literal bipolar one in the family who is trying to keep it together and not go off the deep end in the midst of complete and total chaos in the house. Jen is stressed all the time because of all the changes being made and piles of stuff to be moved out or to be put elsewhere... I'm stressed because I'm home with mom the most since I don't start my new job until tomorrow, so Im the one available to hear her vent...

Let's just say that after those pictures are taken tomorrow, I have to hope that life will get better.  I don't have a place to move to yet because I need to get a couple of paychecks for employment verifications, plus my savings (which was going to be security deposit and first months rent is now wiped out--which is understandable considering unemployment pay was only a portion of my annual salary prior to the lay off) plus I had an issue with my unemployment and Im not getting anymore money until I have a phone hearing on June 11th... so that puts a dampner on things to say the least.  But none of that matters because I know it will all work out.  I know that somewhere there is a place for Jen, me, and lil man, and Pepper the dog (eventually Chino Kitty when I move him from grandmas house where he keeps her company and I go weekly and change the litter box and say hey to grandma)... I know that at some point soon the freedom of having my own place will return and while I appreciate my parents and family, no one can argue with the fact that if you had the option of being on your own or moving back in with the rents, you'd pick freedom.  (most parents would pick the same for their kids as well)

Tomorrow I start my new job and report the same time the photographer arrives here. When I get off of work, it will be finished, I can go pick up lil man from the "sitter" and come home, do his spelling words with him and get him fed and then pull out the legos and start rebuilding lego city which had to be torn down for picture purposes... you see blogging isn't my only outlet.... legos is too.  Yes, I'm 31 and still play with legos.... so what... they are awesome... plus its a great way to bond with an 8 year old ya know.

The countdown is on, can we just get this over already?

Torture Redefined

I love carbs.  I love carbs so much that I consume them every single day, every single meal, and every single snack without any thought to the number of them I'm taking in.  This would be okay if I were a size 2 with a wicked tapeworm.

Unfortunately, I'm a 22 and looking to buy a tapeworm on the black market (not really)(well unless you know of a great deal, lol)... I've always been a bigger girl, but had a pretty face to play it off... I do things that take the focus away from my size and divert it to things I like such as my hair or make up or TATTOOS. I love tattoos almost as much as I love carbs, but I digress.

I realized the other day after seeing pictures of me that were taken over memorial day weekend that I'm much bigger than I thought.  I did some math and realized that since I lost my job at the end of December, I've packed on about 25 pounds...

You may be wondering how any of this is relevant (to which I'll remind you of the name of my blog: empty thoughts and leave it at that... the name alone implies plenty)...

I am currently going through a divorce with the love of my life CARBS.  I decided that since my sister's wedding is on August 18th and the dress that I have on order is a size 20 (and fit at the time of the fitting... oh how I wish my dress size was my real size, lmao...) that I need to at least not gain any weight in the days leading up to the event. 

I figured that the fastest way to drop the pounds would be going low carb.  Im not wiping them out completely, but I am trying to keep them below 50g a day.  By the time you figure the carbs in veggies, or salad dressing or the residual ones in some meats and cheeses... it will all work out (I don't actually count them).  In fact, I started this about 4 days ago and today is the only day I haven't cheated.

Enter Torture stage left.  Lil man had a field trip today to the VA Living Museum.  His teacher asked Jen if she could provide the pizza for the class so that the kids wouldn't have to worry about packing a lunch.  She agreed, but neglected to realize the location of the museum versus the location of her work.  Tommy to the rescue.  I drove a little over an hour to pick up the pizzas and then back tracked about 15 minutes to get to the museum at which time I called the teacher and let her know I was there and that she could meet me out front. 

Sounds simple enough, right?  Not so much.  We are talking 15 minutes in a 2 door Tiburon with 6 hot and fresh pizzas (3 pepperoni, 3 cheese).  It was impossible to not smell them and even more difficult to turn off my stomach, which by this point was now growling and sending messages to my brain that said, "Come on man, you know you want it...let's get our fatass on." Torture. 

I am however proud to report that I triumped over said torture and did not cave. I realized that I could eat pizza whenever I want it (I just can't eat the bread/crust parts)... The cheese is my favorite part (I normally scrape it off the pizza and save it for last anyway) so hey... I got this.

It's hard.  I miss carbs already.  I hear "her" in the cabinets calling my name.  Cereal that beckons me to pour ice cold milk over it and enjoy. Loaves of bread that magically shape themselves into a heart to show their love for me... pasta speaking to me in italian (which I don't speak, but totally get the jist of what he's saying.  Carbs is in nearly everything, especially in all the things that I love.

But I can do this.  I'm going to do this.  Hell, I gave up candy for 40 days during lent and I'm not even Catholic...I should be able to do this if I put my mind to it... right? Oh for the love of pete I hope so. 

I've already lost 3 pounds (which in this girls world is PHENOMENAL) My mom saw me gettind discouraged and handed me 3 pounds of butter to hold so I had an idea of how much that really is... ALOT. 

Triumph over torture, maybe I'll make that my new motto.

I suppose it's not as catchy as "I heart carbs" but hey...we'll work out the logistics later.