Have you ever put off blogging despite having a bazillion and one things to write about? It's almost as if you know it's going to take hours of your day/life to get everything out so you put it off and put it off, only adding to the already lengthy list of things you want to get off your chest, share, or bitch about.... that's where I'm at now.
So I'm going to recap and jump around and maybe not make sense (as if that as has ever stopped me before...) so just don't freakin judge me... I'm a chick on the edge and to be quite frank, I just don't have the fucking time for it.
I'm working INSANE ASSININE hours at work. Week before last I worked 96 fucking hours if you can even imagine... No that is not a typo... 96 fucking hours. One day from hell I showed up at 7 am and didn't leave until 2 am... ridiculous. Things are super stressful at work and really the only thing I can find positive in the situation is that I have a job right now and that I can pay my bills. I hit my threshold today. It's been at the point where I dread going to work...I can't handle the boys club feel and the way I'm treated anymore. I can't go into detail, but I finally vented to someone who would listen.... even if she had to... it was a nice change to talk and not see someone's eyes glaze over or to be told to Man up or some other dumb shit... there are just so many things to vent about right now and it's neither the time or the place... I'm just fed up. The long hours, the inorganization, the lack of communication among other things... frustrating to say the least.
Unfortunately, they say things get worse before they get better (I know this to be true from an after work hours text message that I receivend to night.) Frustrating.
These days I feel like I have no outlet. I have no one to vent to, and I feel alone in the world and my own little hell. Things between Jen and are fine, when we see each other that is. I feel like I now pay rent and see her less than I did when we just saw each other on the weekends... they say the first year of living together is the hardest and again, I believe whoever "they" are... I love Jen very much and I love lil man, but unfortunately my job has me in such a negative head space that it often times effects my time with them. Lil man constantly asks if he did something wrong when he hasn't... it's insane and I feel awful about it. And Jen, well Jen does her best to help around the house and keep a happy face on despite my foul moods and sleep deprived self... and then I go and make matters worse by coming in all OCD and refolding laundry that she just folded or cleaning somethign that she just cleaned which sends the message of hey you arent doing it right, rather than hey babe, I appreciate everything you do and thank you.
I'm an asshole. I'm a tired miserable asshole. I'm an old person with no spunk or pizzazz... I'm a total bore.
To top it off I no longer talk to my best friend because her girlfriend is psychotic and has a crush on Jen (though I know jen is going nowhere), my friend potentially tells her new boo everything and hence my fear of venting to my bf and it getting to lil girl crush girl and her start some shit, because heres the kicker, this girl is one of jens employees... can you say drama... it sucks that I dont feel comfy talking to my friend anymore... but shes all smitten and in uhaul mode and this girl is young and dumb and word on the street is sleeping with some married guy, but my bf thinks she's totally gay... I feel guilty bc I wanted my bf to be happy and to have someone in her life because she always talked about being lonely and what not... now it's backfired and I dont feel comfortable telling her whats up for real. It's weird..
Anyway, I've blogged all I can tonight...I still have to do something for work and then get to bed at a decent hour. My goal tomorrow morning is to get up ass early, do my makeup, do my hair, and go to work with my head held high, knowing that everything is going to work out on a positive note... besides... I'll look smokin hot for all my mexicans, lol. One guy calls me Mi Amor... which I told Jen about and she found not nearly as humorous as I do, he's got a wife and kid in mexico, or Guatemala, I'm not sure... and he knows I only like hombres for amigos... lol...which makes it that much more amusing, but I've decided that when I makemore money, I want to have a baby. A mexican baby. End of story. A mexican baby that will be BEAUTIFUL.
I feel lke 50 pounds lighter now that I've told someone at work whats up. I couldn't hold it in any longer.
2 comments:
Amen!
Sometimes just the thought of sitting down here and typing out all the bullshit is just too overwhelming to me. But rant all you want.
No wonder you're so frustrated. Working that many hours in a good environment would take its toll on even the most sane. (I'm not suggesting you're insane by any means.) The fact you've managed to hang in there this long speaks volumes.
I don't know how any employer can expect people to preform their best when work hours are as crazy as yours right now.
Hang in there Sweetie and try to keep work time and home time separate from each other because "they" are absolutely right about that 1st year. And your home life is your first priority.
Hugs to you.
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