Hard to believe

It's hard to believe... it's that time of year again... Valentine's day. Pfffft. I've never been a huge fan, but one good thing I'll say is that today marks my parent's 30th wedding anniversary.  Incredible really... I don't know how they did it...I can't seem to make it past two, lol. 

Anyway, more importantly, congratulations to them and here's to many more.  I love you mom and dad.

Taylor Swift - Back to December

the things we know

I was talking to my mom this evening--i just wanted to vent for a second and have someone listen. In talking to her... I began to feel better. This is a good thing. When I was finished she called me out on something, which is something she is really good at...

This time, she called me out on the fact that I think too much. I'm constantly in a what if scenario--I KNOW THIS ABOUT MYSELF, but it doesn't make it any easier to not do it, you know...

But the other interesting thing she called me out on and she's mentioned it before was how it seems that I won't allow myself to be happy. She looked at me and asked me, "Tommy, why won't you allow yourself to be happy?" What an excellent question. She said that I don't think I deserve to be happy...

Heres the kicker... I really do feel like I deserve to be happy, but 9 times out of 10 I feel like someone else deserves it more...which is what makes it so difficult when it comes to time give someone bad news or say something that may hurt someone's feelings. It's only once in a blue moon that I get selfish and choose my own happiness over someone else's, but dammit, in the long run--I FUCKING DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.

And for now, I'm happy with many pieces of the puzzle that is tommy's life right now. When it's all said and done, I'm going to come out on top and make happiness my bitch. No easier way to say it right now.

Take two of these and call me in the morning

I went to the specialist today... they are leaning toward issues with my gallbladder.

Lots of blood work done, sent me home with 3 small cups with lids (for my poop) which was a whole new kind of fun... (testing for parasites or bacteria or something)

I go back on Friday for an ultrasound of my upper right quadrant... and they scheduled me for an endoscopy and colonoscopy on the 17th of this month as well.  The plus side is that if my bottom half gets betters then I won't have to do that procedure...

And while I want nothing to be wrong with me in general...if there is I hope they can tell with the ultrasound and let me skip the other two procedures on the 17th...

We shall see.  For now, I'm getting accustomed to pressure and discomfort at this point...what's another few days.

Games

I hate the games that people don't play. Does that make sense? It will to anyone who has ever been with someone that denied ever playing mind games when in fact they were fucking masters at them. Ridiculous. I should have known better than to think that this shit would just flow...be natural... that we could truly be friends.

I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. You were so worried about me "falling off the radar" the minute I walked out the door...you were so worried that I wouldn't talk to you anymore... you talked about how much that would hurt.  So I guess your solution to the problem is to ignore my texts...have your son call me to tell me he misses me and hang up as soon as he says bye, to avoid having to talk to me.

You accused me of defriending you on facebook, which I didn't....as an act of good faith I sent you a friend request.... so I guess it's easier for you to ignore that as well.

I have to take into account that everyone processes shit differently. Maybe you are hurting on the inside, and maybe, secretly you are relieved to be free.  Free from my OCD tendencies and "debbie downerness" and my constant raining on your parade.  I wouldn't fucking know.

I wouldnt fucking know much of anything right now as it pertains to your world. That's your choice. I just hope that you've taken into consideration all f the possibilities here. This may not go the way you pictured it in you head. This may not go that way at all... and then again, since I'm no mind reader...it just very well may go exactly where you want it to. I don't fucking know.

I hope it brings you some type of solace to know that I am in deed hurting. I think that what you are doing sucks, but then again I have to respect that you are dealing with your own hurt and it is what it is.

Living with my mom is not an ideal situation from me, but there are some bright sides.  For example, I have a wonderful family that loves me and just the fact that I have a place to call home and find refuge means the world to me right now.  I get to spend time with my niece and give her baths at night and rock her to sleep if I want... The 45 minute commute gives me time to decompress at the end of the work day... No one makes me talk about anything I don't want to and I love that.

It's probably best you aren't speaking to me right now. Neither one of us are ready. This whole "non" game thing that you are doing is giving me the ability to really address my own rage, my own anger...

My feelings have shifted from guilt to jaw clenching aggressive anger. I cant explain it right now, but alas, it is what it is.

I'm disappointed with the outcome...and like you, I'm left questioning the sincerity of our last words with one another... I'm left questioning what roles we will play in each other's life. I'm left lost, lost--but certainly not alone.

I can't stand these games that you don't play.  I guess now you know the answer to one of your questions... I'll take "what would you do if you were in my shoes" for 1000 alex.

Fuck it.

Not really a secret

It's no real secret that something has been up in my world that I either didn't want to talk about or just wasn't ready to deal with or whatever, but the moral of the story is... I'm having a rough time. A rough time with everything. Considering I've physically felt like crap for going on two months now, am battling a severe case of depression, in spite of seeing a therapist and talking nonstop to at least one person about all the other turmoil in my life... shit is just fucked up and I'll leave it at that.

I moved on Saturday.  The whole thing seems surreal even though my stuff is as unpacked as it's going to get.  I'm sad though some people in my life probably won't believe it.  I've spent this whole time being accused of being emotionally cold, stoic at times and just incapable of feeling.  Well I say just because I choose to not vocalize my shit because I know it's going to hurt someone's feelings or turn into a long ass conversation or debate, doesn't mean I'm incapable of feeling, it just means that I'd much rather do it by myself.  I dunno.

I find myself just wanting to cry. and well crying for that matter. I hear songs on the radio, or come across them on a CD I've burned and my eyes water... I dunno. I can't undo everything I've done and I can't provide answers for the why's and hows, etc... I can just say that I wasn't happy.

The problem with saying I'm not happy is that I don't know what I want or need to make me happy. I don't honestly know what the hell happy is. I'm researching that...

So, anyway. I am now single again. After over 2 years with someone with whom at one point I could see spending my life with... I broke her heart, actually ripped her heart from her chest, stomped all over it and then smacked her in the face with it and I don't even know why.

I'm giving myself a personal goal of not living in my mom's house (where I now reside) by the time my 30th birthday gets here... so that gives me til the end of May... it's not that I don't appreciate having a family I can fall back on ... it's just that I can't feel independent living at mommy's house. Im in the process of being removed from the lease... gave up a great deal of my shit in the "divorce" for lack of better words... I dunno...it's not like she did anything wrong.

I just never saw this happening. Whatever the fuck I'm going through is definitely not something that I ever even considered happening. For now it's taking everything in me to just function. I still don't have the concentration nor am i willing to really face the situation. I may just spend a few more days pretending like nothing happened. I just don't wanna talk about specifics...I'm tired of my family or friends asking me what's up... I havent even told my grandma... hell, I just don't really fucking care right now. I've been called selfish among other things and well dammit, maybe I am. Who fucking cares. I'm too emotional to fucking care about anything if that makes sense... I mean sense I'm incapable of feeling ya know. Try feeling nothing and everything all at the same time and see how it works out for you--because for me....it may eventually be the death of me. Who the fuck knows. Who the fuck cares.

Health or the lack thereof

I wasn't going to do this...but it seems I do a lot these days that I don't necessarily intend on doing... so I'm going to share the health issues I'm dealing with.  You see it all started back in December when I had an upper respiratory infection and felt like ass.  Well I went to the doc and he gave me stuff to fix me right on up, but I had diarrhea from Dec 15 until last week.  That week was spent vomiting and then ended with diarrhea all over again.  My doc referred me to a gastrointestinal specialist so that we could figure out what's up...he thinks I have an ulcer.  Well I took ALL the pills they wanted me to for like 1 days and since then, I've only taken like 1 a day because who the fuck has time to take 1 pill four times a day, an hour before eating... my schedule doesn't really permit planned meals sometimes...

So anyway my specialist appt is on Wednesday...I was debating canceling it because overall I feel alright and at this point I'm used to shitting ALL the time and needing to make it to the bathroom in a hurry.  Well after some brief research online (which should never be done when you have some symptoms)...I've decided that whatever I have, probably shouldn't be ignored, and I will be keeping my appointment.

It could be a number of things and I'm not going to speculate, but it's definitely not comfortable, maybe a hiatal hernia, or something similar to chrones disease, all of it boiling down to some irritable damn bowels... which lets face it just isn't cool and really puts a damper on a social life (or lack thereof)...

I had convinced myself and even told my therapist that I think I'm making myself sick. Which hey is possible, between stress and everything else going on in my life... but whatever the cause, if I ever discover it...the point is, I've gotta get fixed. For now, I'll just keep dealing with the pain, uncomfortableness, and just icky feeling in general.

They should make makeup shades with descriptions, i.e. "I feel like shit today but wanna fake it and look half way decent" in a sparkly lip gloss. Or better yet, "I pee out of my ass like 17 times a day and my asshole is raw and I think I washed my hands really well, but just in case....Chocolate" Nailpolish.

Yeah, I know, that was gross, but hey, welcome to my life as of late.

Adele - Rolling In The Deep

Changes on the horizon

A lot of shit has gone down in the past few months, very little of which I have blogged about out of respect of the other party/parties involved.  I've decided however that I need to blog so I will be creating a new blog, an anonymous blog, a blog that even if I flat out told the world everything that was on my mind there's no way in hell that the affected parties could be recognized.  I'm dying inside. Slowly dying. Fading away to nothingness and full of confusion and doubt.  I tried to keep these inner demons quiet, but I can do it no more. If anyone is interested in the new address for this upcoming blog either email me or post a comment with your email and I'll send the link. The blogging will continue, regardless as to if anyone reads it or not. Sad really. Just sad.

high tide low tide

There is a numbness that presents itself and then vanishes. Like the ocean crashing gently upon the shore, bringing it's foamy endlessness, saturating the sand and then repetitiously fading away. I wake up some mornings and all seems fine, then without warning, for no reason, it creeps up on me. It clings on as if it is a naturally occuring, supposed to be there limb... natural in the sense of an arm or a leg is natural, not in that of a zit or bruise...

I don't know where I'm going with this really. I don't know much of anything these days really.

My guilty conscious gave way to some serious confessions on my part, a very delayed exhibit of remorse and now the theory of a new start. It's hard to tell whether or not this theory is in fact a reality or not.

I guess that all in all, I'm not one hundred percent convinced that it's possible outside of fairytales. That is most likely my Debbie Downer side reary it's ugly head tonight.  I dunno.

There is an emptiness, a void that is very seldom filled. I can't find the right words to describe it. I can't make sense of it. I'm spiraling downward, not out of control, but a controlled spiral, as if that makes any sense.

I'm always thinking. It's weird thought. There are like nine hundred bazillion thoughts in there but I'm not thinking any single one specifically...it's just chaos.  Imagine you are at a crowded restaraunt. You are there on a date, (insert your partners name here)... ya'll are having a nice conversation, sipping your drinks, nibbling on an appetizer, thinking about what you want to do to him/her when you get them back to the house... then the conversations from all the surrounding tables begin to get louder and louder...it gets harder and harder to hear your partner or even concentrate on their words.... then the kitchen doors swing open, plates fall to the floor with a crash and break....

It's kind of like that. A whole lot going on and not being able to focus in on one particular thought.

That's where I am. Waiting for low tide so I can break free... or even high tide to wash away these thoughts and feelings.