It's no real secret that something has been up in my world that I either didn't want to talk about or just wasn't ready to deal with or whatever, but the moral of the story is... I'm having a rough time. A rough time with everything. Considering I've physically felt like crap for going on two months now, am battling a severe case of depression, in spite of seeing a therapist and talking nonstop to at least one person about all the other turmoil in my life... shit is just fucked up and I'll leave it at that.
I moved on Saturday. The whole thing seems surreal even though my stuff is as unpacked as it's going to get. I'm sad though some people in my life probably won't believe it. I've spent this whole time being accused of being emotionally cold, stoic at times and just incapable of feeling. Well I say just because I choose to not vocalize my shit because I know it's going to hurt someone's feelings or turn into a long ass conversation or debate, doesn't mean I'm incapable of feeling, it just means that I'd much rather do it by myself. I dunno.
I find myself just wanting to cry. and well crying for that matter. I hear songs on the radio, or come across them on a CD I've burned and my eyes water... I dunno. I can't undo everything I've done and I can't provide answers for the why's and hows, etc... I can just say that I wasn't happy.
The problem with saying I'm not happy is that I don't know what I want or need to make me happy. I don't honestly know what the hell happy is. I'm researching that...
So, anyway. I am now single again. After over 2 years with someone with whom at one point I could see spending my life with... I broke her heart, actually ripped her heart from her chest, stomped all over it and then smacked her in the face with it and I don't even know why.
I'm giving myself a personal goal of not living in my mom's house (where I now reside) by the time my 30th birthday gets here... so that gives me til the end of May... it's not that I don't appreciate having a family I can fall back on ... it's just that I can't feel independent living at mommy's house. Im in the process of being removed from the lease... gave up a great deal of my shit in the "divorce" for lack of better words... I dunno...it's not like she did anything wrong.
I just never saw this happening. Whatever the fuck I'm going through is definitely not something that I ever even considered happening. For now it's taking everything in me to just function. I still don't have the concentration nor am i willing to really face the situation. I may just spend a few more days pretending like nothing happened. I just don't wanna talk about specifics...I'm tired of my family or friends asking me what's up... I havent even told my grandma... hell, I just don't really fucking care right now. I've been called selfish among other things and well dammit, maybe I am. Who fucking cares. I'm too emotional to fucking care about anything if that makes sense... I mean sense I'm incapable of feeling ya know. Try feeling nothing and everything all at the same time and see how it works out for you--because for me....it may eventually be the death of me. Who the fuck knows. Who the fuck cares.
3 comments:
Wow-it sounds like you have so much going on right now. I am sorry that it all seems really hard right now. I am glad that you are getting some support.
I think it's good to give yourself some goals to work on, and I will be cheering you on. Be gentle with yourself during this time. Easier said than done, I KNOW!
Oh, and BTW-people do care even though it doesn't feel like it. Don't let this ruin you . . you have come too far!
I've been accused of being "cold" too but it's more that fact that I tend to do my crying/grieving/dealing alone...or at least with a very trusted few. Just because you aren't out there telling the world doesn't make it wrong. Let's face it, how many people do we know that live their life and all their drama out for everyone to see. It gets exhausting.
Keep your goals, talk to your therapist, maybe you will never have all the answers but I know you will find your way.
Hugs to you-Mel
Thanks guys. :)
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