Friday, September 24, 2010

I fucked up

It's official, I fucked up.  I was in charge of a transfer order a couple of weeks ago.  I pulled all the inventory for the order and then gave it to the shipping supervisor to get out the door.  I found out today that some of the trays I sent were the wrong ones.  This lead to the right ones needing to be overnighted from VA to Washington State which cost the company about 800 bucks.  We also had to send the balance of the trays that were needed for the company we outsourced some work to, to complete and ship on time out via estes... about 13 pallets. 

The crappy thing is that there was no system of checks and balances.  The shipping supervisor didn't even have paperwork for what was supposed to go out to verify that what I gave him was correct.  I never have a quality person working with me to verify stuff so it's like Im expected to never make a mistake. 

I dunno.  With everything else that is happening in work hell, I just feel like this is the ammunition they needed to get me out the door sooner than later.  I've never been in a situation with such a serious "boys club"... Here's the deal:

A strong mind
A thinker
A leader
a by the book/follow procedures person

They are:
recruiters of Yes men
want things their way
Hate it when someone points out a fault in their plan

I's ridiculous.  I don't even want to talk about it anymore.  But it seem sto be all I have to talk about. This is where I spend all my time.  I never see Jen, I never have money even though I work all these hours because of this ass raping called salary... but I should be able to see the blesssings right... I should appreciate the small things... IT'S FUCKING HARD.

I called my mom this afternoon on lunch.  It's hard because I never see her anymore either compared to what I used to.  All I do is work AND now that I live 40 minutes away my visits are quite limited. I'm going through withdrawls. They decided about 11 o'clock that we need to work tomorrow after saying all week that we were going to be off this saturday. This is what pisses me off.  I cried. I cried I cried.

I was upset because my niece just turned one on Wednesday and Saturday was to be the day taht I could spend time with her since she lives out of town...along with my sister. Now my time is limited.  Very limited. After the party that I'm going to be late for, I need to try and give my grandma a perm.  I'm not going to have a weekend free for a while because of work and when I do have free time I/m going to have to be doing Santa's hair getting him ready for his gigs...

It's not that I cant say no.  It's just that I rely on some things for extra money (money which is needed and not really extra actually)... like gmas perm, or santas hair, or my client that I do about every 5 weeks.

I'm stressed all the time, I have no money to just do whatever with.  I have property taxes due and no way to pay it right now... this is really bumming me out.  I'mt rying to make it work, I really am.  It's just hard.

I cried when I got home today.  Jen was still here, she was getting ready for work, lil man was with the sitter.  Its hard. I want to tell her about my day and all the things on my mind, but then she worries about me and stresses out more than she should.  She said she feels helpless because when she offers help I dont want it.  She has her own financial obligations and I feel bad enough only being able to do what little I can, I don't want to feel like I'm gettin an allowance from her you know.  I'm not overly proud... I just think that her money could be better spent, bills, groceries etc.

I feel like I never have a day off because even when I am at home as few as those instances are, I'm cleaning, scrubbing, doing six loads of laundry, or somethign to that effect.  Why can't I turn off my things need to be clean self?  I was going to clean tonight but just said fuck it. Whats the point, it will be dirty again tomorrow.  Nothing seems to get put back up unless I do it. Nothing gets put away unless I do it.  Jen has given up to some extent because she hates how I come behind her and clean what she's just cleaned.  Well you know what IM SORRY. I'm sorry that when I walk into a bathroom that has just been cleaned and see pee around the base of the toilet from the only person in the house that has an aiming device but hasn't mastered it yet that I feel compelled to clean it.  I'm sorry that i can only walk over the same wad of dog hair on the carpet for so many days in a row. I'm sorry that I think we should cook dinner, like actually means and not do fast food or take out except for special occassions... but by the time I get home It's too late for that to happen and not have a six year old freaking out about how hungry he is.

I'm sorry that for some reason Ic an't do anything right in the eyes of a 6 year old because I don't think the way he has been acting is school is tolerable.  I'm sorry that I had to overhear him for the second day in a row tell the babysitter that he wanted her to read to him and not me because I read too fast and don't say the words right. (Which I don't, he just wants me to read it super slow or more than one book so that he can stay up later, but whatever, what do I now)...

I'm sorry that I'm over fucking sensitive and when I see the straightening iron out on the bathroom counter and Jen's hair done i immediately ask myself who she's trying to impress... I'm not used to her doing her hair... she goes through phases... but several times in one week and I'm not the one seeing her... I have to assume that she's making an effort for someone.  I'm sorry I'm a jackass for thinking such things.

I'm sorry that in recent conversations I realized that Jen's fear is that I'm going to cheat on her because of the fact that I was with someone when we started talking.  I never physically cheated, but in her mind, because I was laying next to one woman and thinking about a potential with her that I'll do the same thing to her eventually except she won't be the "other woman", she'll be the one I'm looking to replace.  Though I don't get it.  I dont have time for her much less anyone else.  She sees how disgusting I am when i get home from work, how depressed i've been for several weeks/months now... why would this come up now?

this blog is meant as a means to vent only... I'm not trying to share with the entire free world that jen and I are having issues...because it's not like that.  It's just the fact that in my eyes everything is amplified. I feel alone and trapped in my job, I'm overly tired, I'm super sensitive and feel like my partner and son hate me and like I can't do anything right EVER.

I'm drowning. Silently wasting away.  All I can do at this point is hope and pray that I find the strength to keep going, that some great thing happens soon to solve everything that is contributing to my issues.  Because at the end of the day, I'm the only common denominator in all my issues.  Just me. I can't blame anyone else despite my need to bitch about everyone and everything (ie Pepper putting her paw on my keyboard as I typed and making my 1 key pop off.   Awesome.

I just want to disappear sometimes. Move somewhere new and start fresh.  Take my lottery winnings and see things.  Settle down in somewhere like oregon or Vermont and call it a day.  Summer wherever the hell I want to...

I'm crumbling under the pressure and I don't know what to do.  Jen's response to my episode this afternoon did nothing but show me that she's nearing her wits end.  I'm driving her mad but I cant put into words what I'm trying to say in order to communicate with her better.  I always say shit wrong. 

I miss the excitement that used to be in her face when I got home, now it's more of a look of dread that she's going to have to hear about how shitty my day was.  I don't know what to do.  This is the only me I've ever known... the one who deals with shit, shit and more shit until I finally spring a leak, break, and have to start all over again.

i'm scared. I'm scared I'm going to get fired from the job I hate before I can find something else and leave voluntarily.  I'm scared that I'm going to push jen over the edge and then really be alone. i'm scared that lil man is going to grow up and hate me because I hold him accountable for shit and dont cave when he's on punishment and loses things like tv, video games or transformers... I'm scared that I'm growing apart from my family because i never see them anymore, I'm scared that pepper will grow to hate me and bite my face off in my sleep because I moved her from a 100 acre farm to an apartment, I'm scared that the dream job I want doesnt exist. I'm scared i'll be broke forever. I'm scared that I'll spend my entire life busting my ass only for nothing to come from it. I'm scared that I'm really just a failure who is too stubborn to admit it. I'm scared that I'm just incapable of doing anything right. I'm scared that I'm going to continue to lose friendships because I go through phases where I just don't want to talk to anyone, much less see them.

I'm scared of sooo many things.I'm scared that Jen will actually go to blogger after not going for so long and read this and be hurt by it because that isn't my intention.  On the same note however, this is my outlet, this is my getaway, my release. 

I don't care that her ex may potentially still read everything I write on here to keep tabs of her/us... I promised myself a long time ago that I wasn't going to censor myself just because I was worried about what someone my think.  That's not being true to myself by any means. ANd while I'm on the subject do I get pissed off that Jen still talks to her ex, sure, sometimes.  I trust jen and know that nothing is going on, but the other part of me wants to say hey... don't you wish you had admitted to yourself and everyone around you that you're gay instead of living a lie and ripping Jens heart out in the process... I dunno, that's a whole other topic and I have work in the morning so I need to get off of here anyway.  Not enough hours in the day for me to truely vent, or gigabytes for that matter I suppose.

For now, i'mgoing to bed. I'm going to take pepper outside to pee and probably not pick up the pile of dog shit, should she decide to do number two.  I'm going to step over the dog hair patches on the carpet, walk past the dirty dishes in the sink and folded laundry on the counter, use to toilet that I'll probably have to wipe pee off of to sit down on, lay out my clothes for work, turn on the fan so that we can accumulate a little bit more electricity charges, and climb into bed, alone because Jen is still working.

I dunno, mabye all this could be fixed with a hug. I'm scared to have a beer and kick back becuase what if tastes great and then I need a beer or five everyday... what if what if what if.

I'm thinking of changing my blog name to something more relevant:

Weeping pussy
Debbie Downer

I'm open for suggestions.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Forklift Fury

I'm kind of disappointed in how the whole concept of business plays out sometimes.  It all makes sense when you look at the bottom line and profit margin, etc... but a lot of times, business lacks heart.  Lacks compassion. Lacks... well just lacks.

I have a great team overall.  I have a couple of guys on power jacks, one on a reach truck, one is my new lead/QA guys...blah blah blah.  Well, recently there was talk of pulling one of my guys off of the jack and putting him on the forklift.  He worked on the forklift a few days last week and then up until yesterday.  He did a phenomenal job.  Didn't dump any pallets unlike my current reach truck guy, AND my previous reach truck guy who is now on a jack....

Well this morning I had to pull him off the forklift and put this other guy who is technically a part of my team, but who effing knows everything (and nothing) all at the same time, butts heads with me all the time and who I want gone but who somehow manages to keep staying in the building on the forklift because all last week he talked a bunch of shit about being a pro and "how he could do so much better than the other ugys" he could show them a thing or two, etc etc etc

What it boils down to is that now I have a great guy who was better than anyone else being pulled off of equipment and made to think he did something wrong when I have other guys that dump shit on the regular still on equipment.  It's business.  Money. Bottom lines.

He asked his boss about getting more money for using equipment which he was entitled to do.  Equipment operators are paid more than regular workers.  Everyone knows this.  Rather than give him that extra 50 cent or dolllar (this company pays next to nothing to their workers) they pulled him off equipment and put this other guy who they already paid more money to do QA things on the equipment.

He looked heartbroken.  He looks like a hispanic kung fu panda (to be honest that's what the guys at work call him is panda for that very reason)... I had to get my guy jose who speaks english as a primary language translate some stuff so that nothing would be lost in translation.  I wanted him to know that he hadn't done anything wrong and that he did a great job, but that it was the big guys decisions and not mine.

Luckily by 8 am I had him smiling again.  He and the other guys were taking turns wearing my purple american eagle hoodie (it's amaryllis season so we are working in the coolers now)... they were rocking it to... looking like big damn purple teletubbies... it didn't matter.  They were having fun.

I dunno. I hate the cold side of business.  I like to think it's not like that everywhere and that maybe it's only pissing me off because I'm unhappy where I'm at.  I dunno.  I often think that I'm just entirely too soft to make it in the world of business.  Then other days I'm a typical corporate bitch.  I dunno.  Makes no sense.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010


As I stood in the dark starring at the sky.... I realized that even at 29 I believe you are never too old to wish on a star.

First star I see tonight...

It's a nightly thing for me it seems.  Part of my routine as Pepper does her business.... I wish for different things, sometimes general happiness, sometimes just to be able to make it through the following day at work.  I feel selfish for doing it though. 

I mean, If I'm wishing on the first star I see at night, how many other people are wishing on that same star?  Maybe it's stupid, but this is an example of what I think about.... I'm genuinely concerned that what if my wish does come true... does that mean that someone elses won't?  If I were to put my wish on a scale and someone elses on another, whose would way more?

Is it wrong that even with this concern I still feel compelled to make those wishes.  Whether to wake up in a good mood or come into a large sum of money... next to someone elses life, I dunno, I'm probably already rich...

I dunno how to put into words all that I'm saying.  I'm stressed.  I have property taxes due, I don't even have money to go thrift store shopping ... I miss that. I love living with Jen, I really do, but I'm just still adjusting to the paying rent thing.  Things are shitty at work because I was a sort of whistle blower and now the boys club treats me like a narc.  I don't care overall, it just means that they don't feel my day with a bunch of uselessness that I just don't have time for.  I'm looking for something else... I just hope that when I leave it's voluntary and not otherwise.

My brother is now married and I've gained a sister.  My niece Charley turns 1 tomorrow... she'll be in town with my sister... this weekend. Exciting. Soooo exciting.

I dunno, a lot on my mind and not enough time to work through it all.  I hope there are enough stars to go around... I need a bright one, soon.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010


I feel like all the talking I did yesterday was for nothing.  I work with a bunch of men who never acknowledge that they could even potentially be the root of a problem.  After discussing with someone whom I thought would listen, (I'm assuming the issue has been mentioned to them as well)... they in the most politically correct condescending way possible basically told me today that (this is my paraphrasing of course) I am bipolar and that communication can't be one sided and only on days that tommy's in the mood to communcate.  We cant help that some days you have a sense of humor and then other days you want to be serious....

I dunno.  I give up.  I'm just going to smile. Do as I'm told and keep it moving.  This whole thing has escalated and I know that it's going to just make a jacked up situation way worse.  A boys club that I've never felt a part of (for real) that I've felt a time or three has been trying to push me out... just might end up doing it.  Hopefully I wont be terminated for some dumb shit before something else comes my way.  I'm worried. Yeh. Definitely worried.

Oh and side note, my brother is getting married on Saturday. yay. I just need to smile and keep it moving on that note.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Not enough hours

Have you ever put off blogging despite having a bazillion and one things to write about? It's almost as if you know it's going to take hours of your day/life to get everything out so you put it off and put it off, only adding to the already lengthy list of things you want to get off your chest, share, or bitch about.... that's where I'm at now.

So I'm going to recap and jump around and maybe not make sense (as if that as has ever stopped me before...) so just don't freakin judge me... I'm a chick on the edge and to be quite frank, I just don't have the fucking time for it. 

I'm working INSANE ASSININE hours at work. Week before last I worked 96 fucking hours if you can even imagine... No that is not a typo... 96 fucking hours.  One day from hell I showed up at 7 am and didn't leave until 2 am...  ridiculous.  Things are super stressful at work and really the only thing I can find positive in the situation is that I have a job right now and that I can pay my bills.  I hit my threshold today.  It's been at the point where I dread going to work...I can't handle the boys club feel and the way I'm treated anymore.  I can't go into detail, but I finally vented to someone who would listen.... even if she had to... it was a nice change to talk and not see someone's eyes glaze over or to be told to Man up or some other dumb shit... there are just so many things to vent about right now and it's neither the time or the place... I'm just fed up.  The long hours, the inorganization, the lack of communication among other things... frustrating to say the least.

Unfortunately, they say things get worse before they get better (I know this to be true from an after work hours text message that I receivend to night.) Frustrating.

These days I feel like I have no outlet.  I have no one to vent to, and I feel alone in the world and my own little hell.  Things between Jen and are fine, when we see each other that is.  I feel like I now pay rent and see her less than I did when we just saw each other on the weekends... they say the first year of living together is the hardest and again, I believe whoever "they" are... I love Jen very much and I love lil man, but unfortunately my job has me in such a negative head space that it often times effects my time with them.  Lil man constantly asks if he did something wrong when he hasn't... it's insane and I feel awful about it.  And Jen, well Jen does her best to help around the house and keep a happy face on despite my foul moods and sleep deprived self... and then I go and make matters worse by coming in all OCD and refolding laundry that she just folded or cleaning somethign that she just cleaned which sends the message of hey you arent doing it right, rather than hey babe, I appreciate everything you do and thank you.

I'm an asshole.  I'm a tired miserable asshole.  I'm an old person with no spunk or pizzazz... I'm a total bore.

To top it off I no longer talk to my best friend because her girlfriend is psychotic and has a crush on Jen (though I know jen is going nowhere), my friend potentially tells her new boo everything and hence my fear of venting to my bf and it getting to lil girl crush girl and her start some shit, because heres the kicker, this girl is one of jens employees... can you say drama... it sucks that I dont feel comfy talking to my friend anymore... but shes all smitten and in uhaul mode and this girl is young and dumb and word on the street is sleeping with some married guy, but my bf thinks she's totally gay... I feel guilty bc I wanted my bf to be happy and to have someone in her life because she always talked about being lonely and what not... now it's backfired and I dont feel comfortable telling her whats up for real.  It's weird..

Anyway, I've blogged all I can tonight...I still have to do something for work and then get to bed at a decent hour.  My goal tomorrow morning is to get up ass early, do my makeup, do my hair, and go to work with my head held high, knowing that everything is going to work out on a positive note... besides... I'll look smokin hot for all my mexicans, lol. One guy calls me Mi Amor... which I told Jen about and she found not nearly as humorous as I do, he's got a wife and kid in mexico, or Guatemala, I'm not sure... and he knows I only like hombres for amigos... lol...which makes it that much more amusing, but I've decided that when I makemore money, I want to have a baby.  A mexican baby.  End of story.  A mexican baby that will be BEAUTIFUL.

I feel lke 50 pounds lighter now that I've told someone at work whats up.  I couldn't hold it in any longer.