Fizzle

I just finished a 21 day working streak with no day off.  Let's just say I don't recommend it to anyone.  To unplug, I got a hotel room... I seemed to have extra money for a change so it was justifiable in my mind and I escaped.  I told Jen that I just needed to do this for my own mental health...which anyone who really knows me, knows that I'm not kidding.

I voluntarily committed myself about six years ago after the death of my grandfather... I was going through a serious bout of depression...which then made doctors think I was bipolar among other things... long story short, my short stint in the nut house, which was ridiculous... they took my shoe laces, cds, and anything I or someone else could harm themselves with... checked to ensure we returned our silverware after eating in the cafeteria, etc... I got the bill and even with what my insurance covered, that was the most expensive one night getaway EVER. I then vowed to my mom that if I ever felt the need to get away or unplug that I think a Holiday Inn would be sufficient.  Granted the bed in the Super 8 sucked and my back hurt this morning, but it was awesome to get uninterrupted sleep... just have me time and be alone with my thoughts.

I checked my voicemails from yesterday this morning and it dawned on me why I had "extra" money... I fucking forgot to make my car payment... I thought for sure I had, since I pay it along with all of my other middle of the month bills, but apparently I got sidetracked or distracted and forgot to finish.  Now I have about four bucks to my name until Thursday when I get paid... which is doable, so long as nothing else I forgot about clears before then. Oh and rent is due tomorrow... I guess everyone is allowed an irresponsible moment every now and then.

She'll probably get pissed if she reads this and sees that I'm venting via blog, which is part of the reason I've considered starting a new one that she doesnt know about... but I'd rather her be mad than to seem like I'm hiding shit... long story short, I think Jen and I are fizzling out. 

Things have been strained a lot lately.  I can blame a lot of it on my crazy work schedule and the fact that we rarely see each other.  It's tough. Even when we get to see each other, neither of us are in the same mood.  It's like we are incapable of both being happy at the same time... If I'm excited, she's drained or in a bad mood and vice versa.  I've been picking up signs here and there, but have been scared to say anything because I don't want to stir up a bunch of shit.

Well tonight, after she and lil man got back from trick or treating, and he was in bed... I finally talked to her.  I told her my concerns about how I think it's just a matter of time before she calls it quits.  Her biggest complaints about me are: (my own paraphrasing here)... I'm anal as hell when it comes to cleaning and she doesn't feel like she can do anything right or in a way that's going to keep me from cleaning right behind her and that I'm always so fucking negative.  I'm a bubble buster. If she's happy about something then I'm going to find something to rain on her parade...AND she doesn't feel like she can talk to me anymore because she gets really tired of me telling her that she worries too much or that she needs to stop freaking out.... among other things.

One of my questions for her this evening was: What is keeping you here?  That's when my concern/fear (I'm not sure of what word to use here) became apparent... Her response was, I don't know.  Oddly enough, that is the answer I was expecting--unfortunately that didn't make it any easier to hear. 

It was at that point she said she was done talking and went to bed. I got in the bathtub and soaked for a while, climbed into bed and felt that same enormous distance that I've felt for a while now... We talked a little bit more and it turns out that about a month or so ago she vented to a friend of hers back home in Colorado.  Her friend agreed that she was entitled and justified in feeling the way she was.  So I asked okay, so when are you going to talk to me about it? The general gist of the story was that she doesn't want to hurt my feelings and she doesn't want to deal with the lash out that she thinks will follow... apparently whatever it is, is crucial if she thinks I'm going to fly off the handle and say really hateful shit afterwards.

I dunno. I just want to her to talk to me. I'm tired of us both walking on egg shells around the other and neither of us saying what we really feel.  I told her before I got back out of bed to check tomorrows weather and blog to ease my mind so that I can sleep before a long day in work hell... I told her that one of my fears is that either one or both of us is only sticking this out because of the lease.  She mentioned that I've joked about that before... but seriously, here lately I feel like that's all we have in common.

To top it off I'm going to admit to something that isn't easy for me to do at all.  I think I'm having a sexual identity crisis.  I'm by no means saying that i'm not gay or that I want to go have sex with men, but what I am saying is that i've been thinking a lot lately.  I'm currently in my girlie phase.  I alternate and go through phases where i make a genuine effort to feel feminine... the make up, the hair... my hair is the longest its been in years... make up is warn at least 6 days a week and I even considered carrying a purse a few days ago... Part of me wants to think this is because of the twentyish pounds I've lost just from working all the damn time... but I digress...

I've been thinking shit like, if I hadn't been raped when I was 19, a couple of months before my 20th birthday, would I still be gay?  If my first time had been voluntary and not because some shit was slipped into my beer at a frat party... would I still be in the same place that I am now?   I'd still be attracted to women, because well that's kind of always been a thing... once I let myself acknowledge it anyway.  I dunno... it's hard to put into words and even saying shit like this has me freaking out because of the number of people potentially judging me, beginning with the most important, JEn.  Because yes, I talked to her about this stuff tonight as well.  I admitted to her that the reason I have given her so much shit in the past in reference to "if we ever break up, I'm not convinced she wouldn't go back to men" is because sometimes I wonder about me.  How do I know if this is the real me or not?  I have so much shit happening in my head right now it's not even funny.

Years ago, I was dating this guy and I fell hard and fast for him.  (My past progressed like this: Rape, turbo whore because I thought the only way guys would like me is if I fucked them... playing with girls.... this guy.... girls full time....all in a short period of time if that makes sense)... This guy was in the navy and was here doing some type of training class for a few months.  When it was time for him to leave I thought for sure he'd be asking me to go back to GA/FL with him.... he never asked.  It turned out that he wasn't divorced like he claimed... he was still married and his wife was expecting their first child.  I had been the other woman... someone to keep him amused while his wife was back home, out of state... I was distraught.  Shortly thereafter I moved to Nashville TN for a change of scenery... and had sworn off men completely... I was heart broken.  At least with women, I could be the dominant one, I could be in control, I could have things go any way I wanted to.  Played, partied, and had quite a bit of fun... but got homesick...

Came back to VA and within a month was dating Stephanie.  I had known her for a few years, but we never really ever hung out. She had always been in a relationship with the love of her life...but had actually just moved back to the area after said love of her life had ditched her for a dude (after they had both moved and bought a house in NY...) She and my mom, and eventually me all worked at the same place... we ended up dating for about two years or so... but it was rough. We'd break up for weeks and months in between, say hateful shit to each other. She made me wreck my truck (well indirectly... she was arguing with me on the phone and wouldn't drop it and I rearended someone on the interstate in morning rush hour traffic...) I tried to run her over at one point after that, lol....

Wow...I'm rambling... it's late and that alarm will be going off soon...but I have to get all of this nonsense out.  After Stephanie and I broke up and had several months of just me time and then met Maggie.... Maggie was WAY older than me, but I was attracted to that aspect.  Unfortunately she was way more immature than I was.  She was content smoking pot 24/7 and hooking up with her ex on the regular. 

It was about six months into dating maggie and being miserable, just not really having the balls to say fuck you it's over for real when I started talking to Jen.  I made it clear to Jen that I was in a relationship, and she was quite innocent.  But then it turned into me thinking more about Jen than I was about maggie, to include the times when I was laying right there next to Maggie.  So while I didn't physically cheat... I may as well have.

November 8th is when we made our relationship official... merely 4 days after my break up with Maggie.  I didn't speak to maggie for a year and half...though recently added her as a friend on facebook with jens approval... (jen wanted to be flaunted and she wanted maggie to see how happy we are...but then when maggie started cmmenting on stuff, Jen wanted her deleted, lol... I still haven't done that, just on principle.)  I fell hard and quick for Jen... that was almost 2 years ago.  I'm wondering if my relationship shelf life is 2 years and that's it... or if Jen and I will work through this rough patch we are experiencing.

None of this probably makes sense, but I just don't know how else to say what It is that I'm trying to say. I'm confused. I'm confused as to how the two of us can just seem numb and be going through the motions, but not really feeling anything anymore.  I'm curious as to what's really on her mind and what she vented to her friend about a month or so ago.  Tonight when I questioned her about when she'd tell me about it, she just said she wasn't ready.  I laid there for a few more minutes waiting for her to say good night I love you... I got tired of waiting and came into the other room, where I am now.  it's a bummer.  I hear all the things that she dislikes about me...I very rarely here any positives.  I'm sure she feels the same way.

I'm just curious as to what this all means.  She told me that it's like we are both on separate roads. I agree with her. Neither of us are headed to the same place, even if we don't know where our individual destinations are, we just know that there's no way in hell that we are gonna end up at the same place.

My mind is racing. It's a waiting game and the ball is in her court.  I just dont know much of anything right now.  I can't help but feel like the spice has up and left and the fizzle is moving in quickly. 

Well, she just came out here looking for me...wondering when I was coming back to bed. I guess that's a good sign if she missed me in the bed....right? I just dont know much of anything right now. Nothing at all.