So...this is what 31 feels like...

Yep, it's my birthday.  31 years ago today I was born...yay, lmao.  So in reality its just another day...I've never been big on birthdays (probably stemming from the fact that I had to share a party every single year of my life with my sister, who was born five days short of a year after me and who stays the same age as me for 5 days)... Yep she's a May 19 chick, a Taurus, which makes complete and total sense with her whole bullheaded demeanor...but gotta love her... and the year prior on May 24th I was born... a gemini, which is more scary than you even realize.  I've never been huge into astrology and signs and what not, but if you read the "profile" of a gemini, dude, it's sooooo many its ridiculous.  I tried to convince everyone for a while that I wasn't bipolar, but actually just a gemini, hahah... that only worked for a short period of time before someone had to intervene, ha.

I can say that there are a lot of things that I thought would be different by the time I got here.  Not even referring to when I was 18 trying to picture myself as 31... I'm talking just over the last year.  I didn't expect to actually live with my parents for an entire year like I have... I didn't expect to be out of work an entire 6 months like I was... I dunno, I pictured a house, a steady job, maybe even a trade in on my Tiburon with something a little more "sensible" with four doors and what not.  I mean when I got it, lil man was only like 5 so he thought it was cool that i had a car that looked like Jazz from transformers...now it just kills me to have to watch him climb in the back crammed in like an anchovie, but hey, he makes the most of it. 

Even with the things that I thought would be different, I have to admit there have still been some pretty awesome things happen.  Some as crazy as my car insurance dropping to like 87 bucks a month (where at my highest, in my early 20s we were talking closer to 400 bucks a month...) I think that's one of the signs that you are a grown up... well that and the fact that my Lane Bryant credit card just sent me a letter letting me know that they increased my credit limit and it didn't spark an immediate need for a shopping spree, lmao.

I need to request a new birth certificate from the state of North Carolina because the one I have (the orginal) is just a little white retangle piece of paper and apparently isnt considered official or legit.  If I'm going to eventually file for a marriage license, I'm going to need that.

I dunno... I do want to share with you the coolest birthday present ever:

My mom and dad bought them for me.  It's a gift that says, we love you, we support you, but you're 31 for pete's sake, move the fuck out.

Lmao... In reality I was going to buy them for myself because they just made me happy!!! My mom was like you don't need a suitcase, I was like mom, no I NEED these suitcases, lmao.  They just make me so happy how bright and colorful and super gay they are.  LOVE IT.

So that's what mom/dad opted to do for me for my birthday rather than their original idea whatever that was.

My sister and niece are coming in this weekend and I think she's bringing her fiance... he's a cool dude as I've mentioned before.... but most of all I'm looking forward to seeing Charley, my niece...she's 2 and a half now... and so big and talking up a storm and she just makes me crack up.  Anyway, I'm sure that I'll be motivated here before too long to share some pictures of her... I bought her a rainbow striped bathing suit yesterday for 2 bucks, brand new at the thrift store... I figured, hell for 2 bucks even if she only wears it once to amuse me then it's worth it... (her mom probably won't have her rocking it when they get home because it's a bikini and she's anti those... it's not one thats like an 18 yr olds but made for a 2 year old, it's a legit age appropriate bikini, but I digress.

For now, I need a nap. Maybe I can get away with that since it's my birthday and all.

While I was away...

So I just realized I haven't blogged since the end of February... oh how I long for high speed internet and living in civilization.  I loved being able to just open my computer and blog.  I've been writing, but in a different format you could say...I've started writing my first book.  It's a memoir I suppose and while I have no idea who would want to read it, I'm proud of myself for the simple fact that I started it and am letting go of a lot of things by sharing it aloud (or on paper, lol)...

A lot has happened in my absence... my sister is getting married again.  The guy is great... i met him at Christmas and he treats her great and my niece loves him to death so he gets my vote for sure.  I'm going to be her maid of honor...the wedding will take place in August and will be on a ball field where she and her new husband will throw the first pitch of the game, which is pretty friggin awesome if you ask me. 

I've gained like twenty pounds since losing my job at the end of December... I've been rather bored and found comfort in eating my emotions.. I should really swap out the candy bars, skittles, gummi bears, and junk food in general for "pussy" lol... Jen wouldn't complain and well I'm sure it's less calories, plus I'd be burning a few as I went so it would balance out... In reality it sounds good, but we have very different schedules and I'm cranky if I get woke up, so for her to tap me on the shoulder and be like, hey Want a snack--well let's just say it wouldn't be pleasant...

I ordered my short, frilly, chiffon bridesmaids dress in Horizon blue (kind of like a royal blue I suppose) and have to at least not get any bigger than I am in order for it to fit come the big day... my goal is actually to shed some weight and have to have it taken in (a girl can dream right...)  Jen was also supposed to be in the wedding party, but couldn't justify the cost of the dress right now since she has a new car now and other obligations.  So my sister in law is going to be one instead...

Speaking of my sister in law... she's pregnant.  My brother is super excited, but they are both nervous at the same time because she miscarried once already and it hurt them deeply... She wasn't far along the last time and now I'd say shes at like 8 or 9 weeks, so not in the clear yet, but she feels better about this go round... they are keeping it more on the down low than last time because they don't want to have something happen and then have to explain to everyone if something goes wrong.  My fingers are crossed because I think overall my brother will be a great dad.  My sister in law already has one kid, she's ten, so I know already that she's good to go in the mom department, you know.

My sister was also pregnant.  Yes, I said was.  She was about 2 or 3 months along and went to the doctor for an ultrasound when they discovered there was no heart beat.  The doctors pretty much told her to prepare for a miscarriage... it will pass and life will go on type of thing.  What they didn't expect was all the complications that came with it.  My sister lost a lot of blood, passed out several times in the bathroom while my niece was awake, freaking out and crying, because of the "crime scene" (I can only imagine how it seemed to a 2.5 year old)... She managed to send a text that she thought she needed to go to the hospital before passing out again in the middle of the bathroom floor.  A friend of hers banged on the door until she finally came to and opened it at which point she took her to the hospital.  My mom went up to take care of my niece and to help my sister out physically and emotionally.  Well the hospital was ready to discharge her, but when she stood up her blood pressure dropped and she got lightheaded and almost passed out again.  They admitted her and ended up giving her 4 units of blood.  The nurse couldn't even believe my sister was conscious because of the amount of blood she had lost.  She had gone "critical" and was in ICU for a brief time but luckily came out of it okay.  My mom brought her back here, rather than leaving her in the town she lives in 5 hours away because her job was still trying to get ahold of her and get her to work and other bullshit.  I'm just glad she's okay.  It was rough on her and her fiance  (her fiance has also been married once before and his exwife miscarried, so he was a little traumatized Id say).

Jen and I have been having a hard time with lil man.  He's been going through some serious shit since turning 8.  He has his super sweet moments but a lot of times they are overshadowed by his demonish possessed ways.  I'm learning that while jen may disagree, my patience level is higher than I ever could have imagined.  I think he's ADHD or something... he is the mirror image of my brother at that age... fidgety, can't stay focused, all over the damn place, can't remember shit you just told him because he's too busy thinking about what he's going to do or get into next... but the biggest issue is his lying.  He lies all the time.  It's scary how good he is at it.  He gets off the school bus lying... he recently had the teacher initial next to an assignment he wrote in his agenda (thats where he writes what homework he has)... after she initialed it, he erased the assignment and wrote "none' because he didn't feel like fucking doing it. 

He currently has no toys in his room.  My mom got so fed up the last time he lied (a few days ago) that she went and boxed up every single one of his toys and took them away (except for the legos which are in my room so I can play with them, not him)  He's allowed to read, write, draw, or do outside activities like ride his bike or play ball or stuff like that... no toys though, he has to earn them back.  He had already lost video games and tv... I've tried having him write I will not lie 100 times (he hates writing and has horrendous handwriting so it kills 2 birds with one stone... practice while being tortured).. I told him the next time would be 200... he wrote 200 just a couple of days ago.  The next time will be 500 and then 1000... I dont know what the hell else to do.  Luckily he's going to be with his dad the ENTIRE summer which gives me a break, time to be a "free" adult without having to worry about a babysitter or a kid walking in during sex (which luckily hasn't happened, knock on wood)... It gives me a chance to like him again, lmao.  His dad doesn't take any shit and spanks him more than we do (I've tried that approach too, it doesn't work)... If I were to do it to the point that I know he'd never do it again, I'd be put in jail for child abuse... My parents were able to do it to us kids and man, we didn't do shit again after being punished for it once, I can tell you that much... but I digress.

My mom and dad are selling their house.  My dad will be retiring in September, the National Guard didn't renew his "contract" or whatever it's called... he's trying to get a civil service job for a year or two so that he doesn't lose out on his civil service retirement... either way I think he's just happy to be over with it soon.

After the last hurricane last year, mom and dad had to replace a lot of stuff in their beach house down in Salvo, NC (past rodanthe, of the movie/book Nights in Rodanthe)... (they didn't have insurance because of the age of the house and lack of updates, no one would cover it) well with all the mold that came with the 4 inches of water that got in the house came a lot of opportunity to fix, redo, and upgrade.  They decided since they are putting all kinds of money into fixing the place up and making it current (everything prior to this was circa 1955-1960s, except for their fishing equipment)... they put a new bathroom in, new flooring, turned the spare bedroom into two, redid the kitchen and made it a custom kitchen thats just awesome... and sooooo much more--they are going to retire there.  So, I'm in the process of using my unemployed time to help mom and dad get this house ready to sell...

They will be moved out by mid June at the latest... I'll be able to stay here with Jen for a little while, which will help it not be vacant, but also gives me time to find a place... I just found out that Jen's sister and her kids are planning or considering a change of scenery and want to move out here to VA from Colorado.  I think it's awesome if they were to do that.  Lil man will have someone to play with a lot more, and well they are just cool.  Jen's oldest nephew is now my godson (his original godparent has been estranged from the family and he doesn't really know him and well I stepped up, lol)... so I'm his godfather, yes father... he also refers to me as his uncle just because its hilarious.  The second oldest is 17 and just came out of the closet.  I told him he could call me anytime he needed to because, even though I didn't come out during high school, I've been out a lot longer than Jen and feel like I might be of help in some areas that she cant.  He was having some problems with depression for a while... I can only imagine how tough it is for a kid to be out in high school... I sent him my black canvas messenger bag with the little rainbow squiggly which was the first "gay" thing I ever owned.  I told him the story behind it in a letter that I sent and reminded him that sometimes the things that are the most right are the hardest, never second guess himself and so on.  I would love to be the one who takes him to his first PRIDE and what have you.... The other two kids are like 11 and 13 I think.. a boy and a girl. 

Part of me is leery about his whole thing for the simple fact that this is the same sister that had the New York opportunity about a year ago that fell through... She was offered a spectacular job, found Jen and I positions, but when it came to the move her ex husband had an issue with the distance and since he didn't agree they couldn't move or something...so it's kind of a I'll believe it when I see it scenario.  A change of scenery would do them good though... Jen and her sister are having a hard time with their mom right now... (shes quite narcissistic and all about herslf, she always has to be the victim and blah blah blah)... I digress....

Jen and I have been talking more and more about getting married.  We've been engaged for over a year now and I'm not necessarily in a rush.  I want to marry her but I want to be sure that she takes things like finances seriously like I do... The things we fight about the most are money, lil man, and my obsessive compulsiveness when it comes to cleaning vs her 'eh, I'll get it done eventually and will do it half way" mentality... As hard as it is to have a "gay marriage" recognized, I'd hate to have to look into a "gay divorce" lol... I mean what it boils down to is that no, I wouldn't want to fight with anyone else (not to say that's all we do, lol) but at the same time I want to know for sure that she has my back.  I've been out of work for nearly six months now and haven't had to ask for her help yet.  I like us having independent finances, but I opened an account to help her save money, for things like lil man's travel to his dads house and what not... and well after wiping it out for the last plane ticket, it has remained at 4 dollars for some time now.  We are getting ready to move out and be paying a ridiculous amount in rent again and there is no money saved.  I started out my unemployment with nearly 3 grand in savings... I have no insurance and have to stay medicated, so that's a serious expense, plus paying our storage fees so our shit doesn't get auctioned off, my phone bill, car payment, car insurance, etc (my student loans are on hold right now since i'm not working thank god)... well now I'm down to 600 bucks and that makes me nervous as fuck considering that I was pretty much guessing that I'd be the one putting down a deposit plus first months rent, plus the money for credit checks and shit...

The good news is that I accepted a job offer that starts on June 4th.  So at least I'll have "real" income again.  But I'll only getr 1.5 paychecks in June so I'm really trying to get her to see that I need her help and I need to believe that she's got my back and not going to just waste money all the time.  She's going to have to get lil man back from his dads which is always at least 700 bucks per trip plus all the expenses that we both have individually and then putting higher rent up there... well I'm stressed the fuck out. 

She says she wants me to help her with her finances and I already banned her from ebay (she's an addict for real)... she doesn't always tell me shit that I should know that will help both of us out.  I can't plan on rent getting paid (an amount that we can only afford together) and then find out that she decided she needed new shoes or new floormats for her new car or something and is short on her portion of rent or groceries, or electric, or whatever... I want to believe that she's in it like an adult but I'm not always sure.  Does it make me not love her, no...does it make me want to smother her in her sleep...absolutely.

All venting aside we found a lady in Washington DC that will file the paperwork for you to get the marriage license and everything else needed and then you show up and she'll marry you in either an informal ceremony or a fancy one.  Jen and I figure it will just be the two of us going to do do and she wants informal, but I want slightly informal with at least a ceremony.  She's been married before and had the white dress and bridesmaids and stuff, but I haven't.  This will be my first and hopefully only one... I want us to at least go through the motions of a real wedding.  I want us to wear simple dresses (not actual wedding dresses), have our hair and make up done, have a photographer capture the event since no one will be there to witness it really... and that kind of stuff, then stay the night in DC, get up the next day and sightsee and drive home.  It's only like 3 to 3.5 hours from here so it's not that big of a trek... but then again, i still have to research things like, if VA doesn't recognize the marriage then can Jen still legally change her name on her IDs and such... I don't know how all that works... We probably won't be able to file joint taxes either...still a lot of unknowns, but it's worth it... I mean I have to assume that one day, hopefully before I die, my marriage will be acknowledged as just that.

If I had unlimited funds, my dream wedding would involve renting a bed and breakfast in Vermont... having our guests (not too many) stay there and have the service on the grounds, pictures... dresses, a couple of bridesmaids, etc... cake... it's funny how much of a girl I am when I think about stuff like this... but I don't have unlimited funds and hell even a trip for just Jen and I to VT is out of the question... plus since she's already done this before, I understand her not being all into the "traditional shit"... a compromise it will be...eventually.  We havent picked a date, but know we are going to do it sometime this summer while lil man is at his dads and we can make the most of our trip to DC (not having to hear 'my legs hurt" or I'm bored and what not)...plus being able to have a legit dirty kinky honeymoon is definitely on both of our to do lists....

In other news I got a couple of tattoos... (part of my 3000 savings was dedicated to me being irresponsible and getting tattooed....) you only live once and well I didn't plan on being unemployed this long.  I now have a pinup that takes up my entire left upper arm, and even drops down below my elbow.  Shes a pretty woman with her back turned, sitting on a lotus flower, she has a peacock tattoo on her back that comes to life and the peacock feathers come off her skin and drop down over the lotus flower... I'll put up pictures when it's done healing.  It took 3 sessions (over 2 months time) to get her finished and shes beautiful... shes bright and colorful and just fabulous... I love my artist.  I also got a comemorative tattoo for my grandpa that past away last year.  It's a purple hippo (sometime I've wanted tattooed for a while bc i love hippos) with the outline of West VA, a handle bar moustache, a bottle of Crown Royal and an army beret... everything that reminds me of my grandpa, lol. 

Oh random note, my old boss is one of my employment references (you know the boss that I hated and made my life  a living hell)... he apparently gave me a stellar reference which surprised me.  He did tell me that he hopes I get a "me" working for me that tests my patience everyday like I did him, but he said that I'm intelligent and quite talented, suggested a couple of areas I should hone in on for improvement and said, picture the kind of boss you want to have and then be that kind of boss to your employees.  I was surprised to say the least... all I could think was where was this when we worked together asshole, lmao.  The job I start in June is my first "manager" position... I'll be running the site and I'm excited.  Hopefully I don't fuck it up.

Well I apologize for not blogging sooner (I'm sure you've noticed that I go through phases)...but I have to get a hot bath and get ready for Jen to get home :) She has a late night tonight and an early morning tomorrow, but I think we are going to sacrifice a little sleep for a lot of fun, lmao. 

More to come later...