Tuesday, March 1, 2011

A story about a woman

I want to tell a story.  A story about a wonderful woman.  Her name is Jen and well she hasn't been mentioned as much as she used to be in my blogs for several reasons. The most obviously being that we aren't actually together.

Let me tell you about Jen. Jen and I dated for over two years before we broke up (my doing), I had intended on asking her to spend the rest of her life with me on our second anniversary...had it mapped out in my head how I would do it and what not... but to keep it simply--things got complicated.  We grew apart, had expectations of the other that neither of us could fulfill and what not.  I broke Jen's heart and was sure that Jen would eventually get to the point that she would want nothing whatsoever to do with me.

Well it turns out that Jen is the exception to every person I have ever dated in my entire life.  You see Jen forgave me despite how brutally I ripped her heart out. Jen never stopped loving me, even when I stopped loving myself.  We don't live together right now, and we both agree that it's for the best... you see she has things she needs to work on for herself and I have plenty of my own demons to harness... but we are both confident that once we fix ourselves as individuals, we have a chance to have an even more intense relationship that we did the first go round.

When I told Jen in shame that I was seeing a therapist and eventually shared with her about seeing a psychiatrist to get my bipolar disorder under control, she did research to try and help, and to be there for me. 

We always had incredible sex, but over the last few months, with all the walls coming down and a "nothing to lose attitude" I've seen a dirtier, kinkier side to her which is incredible in my opinion and I've opened up a great deal more myself... but this blog isn't to focus on our sex life....

It is for me to share with you details about a woman who I can once again say is phenomenal.  I say once again, because for a while I lost sight of why she was/is important to me. For a while I got lost in the darkness that is my "low" I didn't even see many of the red flags that i normally do until it was entirely too late.  I can't blame it all on being bipolar... I have to blame it on not communicating with my partner... among other issues.

But back to the point.  The most recent example of why I love this woman and hope to eventually spend the rest of my life with is because she had arranged with a friend of the family to drive 12 hours through the night to be with me at my grandpa's funeral tomorrow.  She was going to go to the funeral, turn around grab a bite to eat and then drive another 12 hours through the night in order to make it to work and get the family friend back to his wife who is in the hospital.

Unfortunately, the family friend (Santa, whose hair I do) has to have another procedure or blood transfusioin early am thursday so he won't be able to carpool with Jen.  I cried this morning as I made Jen promise she wouldn't make the trip on her own. You see the anxiety of her coming with lack of sleep was already killing me...but the thought of her doing it ALONE and on unfamiliar roads...well I'm already dealing with my grandpa and uncle dying this week, I can't handle losing her too....I just don't have it in me.

The intention she had was great however and what a wonderful gesture... I think the gesture is enough.  That and knowing that when I get home at the end of this week that I can pack a bag, go to her apartment, wait for her to get off of work and then lay in her arms and cry my ass off if necessary.  I love her.

Jen--I'm sorry for everything I've done, you didn't deserve any of it.

the hardest part

The hardest part of dealing with the death of my grandfather has been discovered recently...the people.  Yes the gobs of family members coming in from out of state and stopping by my grandmothers house before going to their hotel....

At my grandmothers house on a normal day there is me, my sister, brother, mom, dad, aunt, uncle, grandma, 3 cousins, and my uncles ex wife, oh and my sister in law and three dogs. A LOT OF FOLKS. Then more people come, they are loud, they drink whiskey, get louder, and I retreat. I just want to hide. I want to go home and pretend like none of this whole death thing even happened. 

I woke up this morning and just wanted to cry, for no apparent reason... probably pms, who knows.  Something else that has been bothering me is my mom. Granted my mom lost her dad where I lost my grandfather so I have to imagine it's harder for her on a totally different level.  But it's hard not having her be there for me. I can't be selfish because this is a time that I need to be there for her...but I still feel justified in my feelings being hurt.

You see earlier today I was trying to tell her a story and started to get upset. When I get upset I pause in my story telling to get my mind right and avoid crying and then proceed today...she just got agitated with this as if i was wasting her time and she didnt care anyway... she's been doing this alot lately... I just feel out of sorts with her and I cant help but be sensitive right now.

She got upset and retreated to the back bedroom. I went and gave her a hug and she told me that she was happy she had just seen him a couple of months prior to his passing and how she didn't expect to lose him so quickly.... for her it comes and goes in waves and it breaks my heart to see her cry.  At the same time I'm trying to not cry because I don't want to bother anyone else with my feelings. I guess for now, I'll just blog. I'll make it through the funeral tomorrow, go home on Thursday, and then turn around and potentially drive down to NC to attend my uncles funeral. It's becoming more and more real everyday...that I do not like.