I should write more often but the fact of the matter is I have poor time management and spend most of my time making excuses for why I didn't get something I wanted to get done, done.
I've been in my head quite a bit (even more than usual if you can believe that)... A number of thoughts keep recurring and I figure I better get them out while I can. I suppose that first I should sum up the last couple of years.
Jen got transferred for work which moved us from TN to CO, outside of Denver. After not working for more than a year, I got a job for a company that is more retail based than I was/am used to. Many changes happened in Jen's career because of restructuring--money was already tight due to the cost of living associated with CO living and we struggled a bit. $2000 a month in rent for example wasn't an easy feat to pull off even with Jen making the good money that she was.
I was terribly homesick. Colorado proved difficult for me because TN was just a 3-9 hour drive to see someone in my family... Colorado was 27 hours or an expensive flight. My mom came out to see me after I had lived there a year and we went to a hot air balloon festival--it was magical and I was soooo happy to see her, but devastated when she had to leave.
Jen and I began to fight more. We fought about money, we fought about how I talked to or disciplined lil man (who now is about to be 15 next month...) We fought for the sake of fighting. Part of the issues revolved around my bipolar disorder. There were constant med changes and they always felt like they were walking on eggshells because they never knew when I was going to blow up.
Long story short, I was super depressed and had planned out how I was going to kill myself and when. I had just started a new med but it hadn't kicked in yet... it was a close call, but luckily my mom has a keen sense when it comes to me and my moods because her calling me to tell me she had a plane ticket for me to fly home for Christmas (2017) gave me enough hope and numbed the negative emptiness that was swallowing me whole.
When I landed, the first place my mom took me was to see my tattoo artist where I scheduled my tattoo (I got a fat mermaid with big boobs, lmao). My medicines were on point, I was happy, I got to go to the ocean, I visited family, and I even spread the ashes of our boxer Ruca who has been put down in June 2017 because of cancer. Part of him is on the farm where my grandma lives where he used to run free and chase squirrels. The other part was spread on the beach in Salvo, NC, where even though there is a leash law, we'd let him off the leash to just run--he always looked so happy.
When I got back to CO, I had a talk with Jen and told her that I loved her, but I couldn't stay in CO--it was literally killing me. Jen and I had our problems, sure, but even when I was livid with her or when we were fighting over the dumbest shit imaginable, I still loved her.
Unfortunately, there came a time where we were more disconnected that ever and she hopped on the divorce train and got a lawyer before I could even look up the how to's of getting divorced in the state of CO.
We continued living together for a few months and for the most part were pretty kosher. Lil man began distancing himself. I got a promotion with my company which helped me repay my parents for the move I already had in progress (timing was kind of on point). In mid-March, I packed everything I owned into a POD to be transported over 1800 miles to VA Beach, VA (about 45 min from where I grew up, with easy access to most all of my family).
I ruined Jen's birthday at the beginning of April (I never called to let her know that I made it to the east coast, I waited a couple of weeks because I was getting settled and just didn't want to talk). I felt like the phone worked both ways but obviously, I was in the wrong.
In May, out divorce became final. Since then, I've talked to her a few times. A few texts here and there and even a couple of lengthy phone conversations. I was nice to be able to talk to her because well I missed her. Despite everything, I missed her. Even today, I still love her. Shit just stopped working. There was no more fun.
Being that it's Christmas, I guess it's only natural that I find myself thinking about the past year. I have only talked to lil man once since mid-March. In the beginning of October, my uncle killed himself and while on the phone with Jen, he hopped on the line to say he was sorry to hear about his death. That's it. The only time. He's a teenager though. There are a few months left on his phone contract that I pay for and won't be renewing. I'm not going to continue to pay for a phone when I'm not on the list of people he communicates with. It just doesn't make sense really.
I haven't heard from Jen for a month now. She found out that Stephanie (my ex prior to Jen) was moving in and going to be my roommate. Jen was always anti-Steph and Stephanie is totally anti-Jen. Jen feels like I can do better than Stephanie and Stephanie thinks that Jen is a manipulative bitch who ruined me in a lot of aspects.
What I keep thinking of most is how I remember the exact moment it dawned on me that I was in love with Jen. I went to talk to my mom and tell her about it because it was crazy to me. Jen and I had only been together for like a month when in the middle of trying to tell my how I was feeling, I was taken over by emotion and started crying. I remember that mainly because afterward, I pointed out to my mom that I hadn't cried in I don't know how long and that I though it was impossible to that point because of how many antidepressants were pumping through my system....
Now, I'm living with Stephanie. I've always loved Stephanie and felt like I had a strong connection with her. The problem is that we are trying to adjust to one another and it's not always a smooth transition. My meds have changed and she doesn't fully get the whole bipolar thing or depression. She doesn't get that everytime we fight over something dumb it makes me want to fucking cut myself. Everyone assumes that Jen was sooo manipulative. I spend a great deal of my time wondering if I made the right decisions leading up to this point. With Stephanie I feel confined. I feel like I cant do anything right. I second guess everything, I'm on edge...it doesn't help that my depression is kicking hardcore. I don't know what I'm even trying to say. I've left out so much information that this entire post probably makes no sense whatsoever.
As always, I'm a prisoner to my emotions and my moods... I'm trapped and drowning... I just want to feel good. I want to feel love. I want to feel a smile spread across my face. I want to feel ANYTHING at this point.
I hate that I have to deal with mental illness. Some health issues can be solved by cutting back on salt or sugar, losing weight, exercise, whatever... living with this shit like I have for 17 or so years like I have has proven that my life will be filled with an endless cocktail of feel good pills and potions and most of them won't even fucking work.
What a fucking bummer. Merry Christmas.
