add this to the history books

There was a time when I was really burned out at my job and just hated it.  I was miserable.  Hell, somedays I still feel this way.  It's a total "boys club" and I feel like I have to work twice as hard as anyone else to acheive the same results in their eyes... if that makes sense.  I've cried at work at least twice now...the first time when I was talking with my boss about my frustrations during the busy seasons and how I felt like I was lied to and then just thrown into the deep in and given the swim or drown option.  I have nothing in common with the guys I work in my opinion.  More so many in areas of sports, not intersted, nascar, definitely not interested... food... I mean shit let's face it I'm always attempting a new diet so NO I don't always want to recipe swap...

I had been notified by a friend I used to work with that the company I had left prior to my current position was hiring a Supervisor.  I thought to myself, "sweet, I can do that"... I was looking for an easy way out in my mind.  I drug my feet and put it off and put it off, but finally set down and posted my resume to the job board they were using.  I didn't hear anything for a while so I thought nothing of it until last Friday when I got a call from the HR Manager asking me to come in on Wednesday to interview.  I was sort of excited and ancy but just stored it in the back of my mind rather than letting it consume me like I do some things.  I worked 10 hours Monday and Tueday to justify leaving 2 hours early today to make the appointment.  I needed time to go home and shower and what not.  It was weird.  I styled my hair in a faux hawk (something i wouldn't generally do for an interview...I'd normally do work appropriate girl hair... not today.  I wore short sleeves instead of long like I normally would to cover up my new huge tattoo and my other smaller ones...I just chocked it up to be, "they know me there, why pretend to be something I'm not."

I wasn't nervous at all which too was not "normal."  I'm at the point where I'm kind of a pro in the interview dept...not to say that I know everything but damn...I've been to enough of them (I'm a job hopper unfortunately, but I feel like it's important to have certain expectations of self improvement and growth in ones life...) but I digress...

I get there and everyone is recognizing me and coming out to talk to me while I waited in the lobby, etc... and all I could think is what the FUCK am I doing here.  I started remembering everything that bothered me about this company when I was the on-site supervisor for the staffing company that supplied labor to them, why all of a sudden after saying the "I don't ever want to work for this place" was I there, impersonating someone who was interested and would be an asset?  Who is this person?  The first interview was 45 minutes long with 2 supervisors and 2 managers--grilling me... cutting each other off to be the one that was doing the speaking etc... it was hell.  I half assed it and answered the questions in an aroundabout way... I was inside of my head... sitting and watching this go on.... yet, doing nothing to stop it.  I played dumb and acted like I didn't notice the tone of some of their questions and replayed images of all the times that some of these folks in front of me had made what I felt were the worst decision or choices EVER and found myself asking, "really Tommy, are these people you want as your mentors?" 

That sounds awful.  These people are not bad, they are just associated with things that are stuck in my head, part of times that are etched on my soul and the foundation for many of my biggest frustrations.  I sat there for a good ten minutes after the first interview to wait for the second firing squad to come in.  When they came in, of course more familiar faces... an ops manager, a supervisor, and the HR Manager. 

I remember answering their questions and realizing that i had absolutely nothing positive to say about this company...if this situation was put on a scale, the cons side was at this point on the floor and the pros portion suspended, dangling lifeless, midair...

I told them how my ultimate goal is to end up a CEO of a Fortune 500 company... obviously this isn't going to happen overnight...its going to take a lot of hard work, infiltrating many a boys club, etc... but I didn't go into detail for them.

I used many analogies and compared my career path/goals to a suitcase.  For now, it has a travel bag and a couple of outfits, a flip flop or two, etc... but by the time I get to where I'm supposed to be, it's going to be so full of clothes, accessories, etc (my way of saying skill sets) that it will take me and two other people sitting on it to zip it closed.

I'm rambling here... but I'll get there I promise. 

When I was asked the same question reworded for about the 3rd time it became apparent to me that I wasn't fooling anyone.  They were wondering what i was doing there even more than I was at this point, it was no surprise.  It was then that I knew I couldn't bullshit and drag this out anymore.  In reference to their "Okay, but WHY (insert company's name here)" I simply said, "I have no idea."

I could feel my eyes start to well up...fuck why do I cry at the most inappropriate times...it makes no damn sense.  Oh well... I started to cry but managed to get out, I'm sorry for wasting ya'll time...

I pulled myself together after about a minute or so and continued on the conversation... it was at that point that I just let it all hang out.  I spent over 30 minutes with them discussing how they could improve.  I talked about how I felt that the team members ran the place and how the supervisors really don't have the authority they should and when they are given then authority to make certain decisions, then the ops managers turn around and veto said decision and then act like they were idiots for attempting to make a decision.  No damn sense whatsoever.  I even went as far to talk about how their concept of communication is flawed and how it was a matter that got anything accomplished as far as improving processes, etc because no one listens to the other person...it's a non stop competition where one person wants to be heard so they cut off the person speaking so that they accomplish that feat... and it's the same pig headed people that are doing it and nothing is being said.  The part I couldn't believe was how I told them that the supervisor they had fired, (for whose positions they are now trying to fill) was a huge error on their part.  I reminded them how the part involved blatantly lied and when i pointed it out they didnt even acknowledge I had said anything (screw an investigation their minds were made up)... they didn't listen when I tried to tell them about the team members conspiring against this guy because they didn't like them... I said you guys fail to realize that there is time between incidents being reported to the actual investigation beginning... ENOUGH TIME for anyone and everything to get his/her story straight...

Long story short, if you do something to piss off a team member they could easily file a false claim against you and odds are the supervisor/manager who is accused won't have a job in the end of it.  It was crazy

They told me that they appreciated my input, took notes, said that they weren't nearly as far along as they had thought, and even asked me if I had noticed that they didn't try to deny anything of what I was saying. 

It felt so amazing to get all this shit off of my chest.  All the things that irked me when I was an outsider looking in and couldnt say because I had to have the best interest of the client in mind...and it would have been unprofessional.  It didn't matter.

Nothing mattered... I mean yeah I was technically burning a bridge that I may someday need...but it took this for me to realize that I make an impact where I'm at...I love speaking spanish, or attempting to at least, etc I but heads with the guys, but I don't give them nearly enough credit.  Sure, most of the time I just like to bitch because Im good at it, but how many people these days can say that the make a decent wage, have their 401 k matched six percent (after a year), are offered Aflac at a killer discount, have their medical, dental, etc paid by the company 100 %, get free flower bulbs at the end of the season, etc... SERIOUSLY... I have a pretty sweet gig... I just need to work on my communication skills and try to keep from crying when I get sooooooo frustrated. 

If I could change one thing about me it would be the crying thing when I'm super scared or super frustrated... i would be able to appear stoic at work and keep it moving... I'm just so passionate at times about things I care about that I just get overwhelmed and the only way for the energy to escape is in the form of tears.

I'm such a fucking girl sometimes and that bothers me.

So that my friends is how I spent 2 hours at an interview where I ended up having an epiphany, burning a bridge, and dropping about 50 pounds of baggage from my soul.  Overall, a damn good day.

a wee bit better

I went to the service today and thought for sure I was going to keep my shit together... i really thought I had it out of my system--boy was i fucking wrong.  The family had picked several different songs paired with photos of Scott and I cried my ass off. 

I saw people I hadn't seen in forever, a couple of folks from high school (one who is a funeral director for where we were)... I didn't do the oh, oh my god, we should get together thing because it's fucking bullshit.  If we were for real friends then we would still communicate for real... I don't have anything in common with folks from high school... there are very few (like one person) I actually associate with and she was a year behind me haha... and I don't see her all that often

The point is that the service really got me thinking... who would come to mine if I were to die right now?  I mean yeah my family would be there that's a given, but I've burned so many bridges in my life I don't see a huge crowd of people lining up to pay respects.  I mean there might be folks from high school to pay their respects from back in the day... and then I ask, does it really matter?  Am I going to live my life according to who may or may not show up when I'm dead.  I'll be dead, it's not going to be relevant. 

I told my mom that whne I die, if it's before her that I want my organs donated, then I want to be cremated, and have my ashes dumped somewhere down in North Carolina on Hatteras Island... I don't care where, that's just what i want... mom gets weak and laughs hysterically and tells me she'll flush me and eventually I'll end up in the sea, haha...

I took mom to lunch after the service... a lil mexican to hit the spot.  Came back home and laid down to take a nap...with intentions of just a couple hours to decompress and four hours later got up.

It's funny that I find myself being "needy" something that Jen wishes I was more of when she isn't around to take advantage of it .... I really just wanted to cuddle and be lazy with her today...but I'll be able to soon, she comes back on Friday evening and I'll make it a point to have movies and eats and just veg with her...

Overall, I feel like there has been a weight lifted off of me.  I feel like I've cried enough and cleansed my soul's pallette if you will. 

I'm just kind of everywhere right now.  I'm lost and have been left to wander through my own thoughts and that can be a scary scary thing.

I'm sure I'll figure it all out in the long run.  I need to stop saying that I'm real, and then being a closet case... my sexuality isn't being questioned here so perhaps closet is the wrong term to use... what I'm talking about is how when I start something like a diet or change of lifestyle I do it in front of people but behind closed doors I eat my body weight in shit that I know I shouldn't or that defeats the whole purpose of what I'm doing...

I say that I'm happy with myself, but am I really, If I was I wouldn't dread running into people from high school and immediately feel like they are judging me or that I'm not good enough... Honestly, I took steps in the direction to break my usual habits.  I sent friend requests to a ton of folks from high school, I want them to see my profile and be like whoa, Tommy... who would have thought.  No I don't have anything to prove to them, I realized, that where before I had been ducking and dodging and not feeling good enough--now I want to advertise how fabulous my life is.  I dont care what they think or what might be said because in the end I'll know that I'm content with how my life is and that I've come a long way to get where I am. 

I wasn't always someone who could speak freely... I wasn't a person that did what I wanted... I lived my life for so long according to how others thought it should be lived... I love that I'm outspoken, and openly gay, I love that I'm capable of loving a woman like Jen on the level that I've never done before in my entire life... I love the vulnerability that comes with giving all of myself to this one person and knowing that she has no intention of ever crushing it.. I love that there's a kid in my life that I never saw working... and he warms my heart... I love that I'm capable of coming out of a funk by just clearing my mind... (most of the time)

I'm getting lil man from my mom after school tomorrow so that she can get ready to head to the beach... Friday morning I'll drive him to school, keep myself amused, get him from school, and wait patiently for Jen to get home, listen to her adventures, pencil in some dirty kinky sex, with a locked door this time,

It's wrong to say but I do look forward to lil man's trip to see his dad this summer.  Jen and I have plans of doing our move then and then have him come back and everything already be settled, but more importantly we'll be able to sleep naked and have sex anywhere in the place that we want WHENEVER... hell we could have sex and stay naked and watch a movie or something I dunno I'm sure we'll get creative.

One more day of work and then my three day weekend is a go.  Tomorrow is payday... hell yeah.  I'm going to get my mind wrapped around it and come monday I will be doing this Rice diet hard core all over again, I made it 3 and 1/2 days last time, cheating every day... I'm going to do this just to prove to myself that I can.  I'll do it for a week or two religiously and then reward with a single meal that isn't too crazy to blow that whole two weeks out of the water...sounds good in theory anyway...

I'm roasting, time to open the windows, walk the dog and head back to bed :) Four am comes freakin' early...

I have a lot to say...so here it is

I'm not in the mood to be judged, I'm not looking for a shoulder to cry on, but it dawned on me that I hadn't blogged in forever and I feel like the lack of it correlates to the fact that I'm in a funk that I can't get out of.  I don't give a shit about punctuation or spelling...I don't care if I make sense or not... I'm in a mood, can you tell?  I've locked myself upstairs, I dodged grandma who was luckily out taking Pepper for her daily ride when I got here.

Jen is now in Dallas for the next few days for work and lil man is with my mom up the road... Saturday a guy that I've known practically all my life died.  My parents house was built when I was 5/6 and he was our neighbor directly across the street.  His name was Scott.  Scott was a normal guy, older than me--younger than his brother Mark and had a lil brother named Jeff.  When I was in High School, my senior year actually I started hanging out with Jeff all the time.  He was a cool guy (though much more mature than he was in the days when he and his friends would come over and use our woods to play war or paint ball...)  I don't know specifics but I'd have to say that Jeff is like 4 or 5 years older than me and Scott was between 6 and 10--awful I don't even know for sure.  It was never important.

Their parents, June and Paul are the most wonderful people you could ever hope to meet.  But I digress...the point is that Scott is dead and I'm rather bummed.  Scott was diagnosed with a type of Leukodystrophy so as time progressed I watched him having a harder and harder time getting around until the point that he was in a wheel chair and relying on his parents to do most everything for him.  He was part of a study being done at NIH, the type of leukodystophy he had, 4-H syndrome that there was a time that doctor's considered naming it after scott.  Anyway... mom called me on Saturday to let me know that Scott had passed away.  Pul had made him a sandwhich and went to go do something, when he came back, Scotty had choked to death.  He tried CPR among other things, but it was too late.

I called out of work Monday because I was just bummed in general...I needed a mental health day... Mom convinced me to go over and pay my respects which I knew I needed to do, but was dreading because I was already sad and fighting my own little bout of depression that I'm famous for.  I went over and found June on the phone talking to what turns out to someone at NIH.  They had called to tell her that since Scott had donated his body to science, they were able to look at his tissue and what not and the findings were TREMENDOUS... so June was estactic and burst into tears... that of course made me cry.

Jeff was there too.  But I didn't know who he was.  This guy who I had known for years and years and years and used to look up to and considered a great friend for a long time--he never wanted to have kids or be married and he hated dogs... now, he's married with a kid and has two dogs.  There was no connection like there had been... He had no interest in seeing me, he didn't even introduce me to his wife.  I complimented him on how cute his 7 and 1/2 month old daughter was (though I made it clear that Charley, my niece was wayyyyyy cuter)... it doesn't matter overall because I wasn't there for him... he had written me off years ago...I was more concerned about Paul and June... I needed my own closure...

I left and walked across the road... my foot hit moms yard and I burst into tears...uncontrollable sobbing... I can't tell if it's because of the situation, I mean Scott and I are weren't all that close, he had a crush on me and asked my mom once if she'd care if he kissed me, she laughed said she wouldnt mind but said that I might have  a problem with it.  He was just a good guy... the purest soul I've ever known... I feel so bad for Paul and June.

There is a service tomorrow.  I told everyone at work that he was my cousin.  They give me nothing but shit there, they wouldn't understand if I had said my friend or neighbor... I'm a liar.  One lie after another.   It dawned on me that I take so many of my friendships, relationships, etc for granted.  I've created this hermit-like life.  I hang out with my family, occassionally with Julie to play catch up...spend my weekends with jen and lil man... It was easier to live this lie when i was with Stephanie.  She was antisocial and hated my friends.  I was always able to use her as an excuse to not see them, to not hang out, to close myself off... now that I'm with someone and have been for some time who is out going and fun and friendly, the facade is wearing thin. 

I like having people in my life, but when I want them to be there.  I'm kind of a loner... I'm content being alone in my thoughts and even have to tell Jen from time to time that I need me time...which she finds hard to understand sense she feels like a weekend only girlfriend as it is...

I can't explain what I'm going through right now.  I'm sitting here blogging and crying and being lame in general.  PMS may be to blame...sounds good anyway.  The fact of the matter is that my shit doesn't work right and I can't remember the last time I bled... which means that when it finally does happen I'll bleed for at least 2 to four months straight... sucks, but it's the truth.  Had to have a DNC done almost two years ago because of it... doctors couldn't fix it... But even without the bleeding part I still PMS like a bitch.  I'm a fucking crazy person sometimes.  No, most of the time. 

I have bulbs and bulbs and bulbs to plant.  I brought home over 600 dollars in bulbs this past season and at the end of it and dispersed them to folks that I thought would appreciate them...even sent some to colorado to Jen's parents...I'm bulbed out.  We're in the slow time right now.... Mid july will start the Fall season, so crocus, hyacinth, tulips, daffodils, etc will be on the list...no break followed by the holiday season...

I'm planning a trip to Kentucky for my grandpa's 70th b-day in may...haven't been there in years... it will be a nice change of scenery I think.  I'm wondering if I can make the trek to Nashville and see some friends I have there still (lived there for about 6 months)... and it's only a couple hour drive from my grandma's... not sure how I'll work that though, unless Uncle John wants to carpool or something, I dunno...

Lil man called me Mom for the first time a month or two ago.  He does it intermittenly... I don't ask him to, but I respond...We've gone from Mommy and Tommy to Mommy and mommy... it made me feel all warm and tingly inside... though that wore off when the door krept open while trying to do the dirty with Jen... I've never moved so quick in my life... lol... had to get under the covers with a quickness... luckily he was too asleep to notice anything was up... phew... Gonna need to be locking doors during play time for real now.   Awkward.

I finally consolidated my loans so that should be going through any day now... joined a gym and am enjoying going, most of the time.  I struggle when I'm in a funk like I currently am...Im still trying to figure out a way to lose weight that i'll actually stick to and not do for just a few days until I give up and say fuck it with candy bar in hand...

I go through phases of hating my job which was rampant around the time I cussed my boss out and told him that he could write me up for insubordination and that I'd sign the fucking papers, I'm done... He didn't speak to me for two weeks, now things seem to be okay...and I never got wrote up.  It's such a boys club there and I have nothing in common with my coworkers.  Two Supervisors were fired over a month ago or so... so I'm the only female in the warehouse... all they talk about is sports which I have no interest in... I was told at one point that me being a lesbian was a phase I was going through... really... I'm glad you think you know me that well... fuckers.

I have no motivation,, no desire to do anything really and it sucks...it's lame really.  Im hungry. I get up at four in the morning these days and stay up WAY WAY WAY too late... I need to rectify that situation, maybe I'll go find something to eat and crawl into bed for an early  night.