Room to breathe

So I go through periods where I just need space. I want to be disconnected from everyone and everything. This can be a hard concept while in a relationship. How do you tell the person you love and the woman you are with that it's nothing personal, but you just need space. It makes you seem sketchy and like something is up most of the time.

I've always been like this and unfortunately, in the past when people push me during these periods I've been known to just call it quits so that I don't have to deal with it. I'm trying to improve my communication skills--I really am.

I'm trying to improve me in general (on many levels) so that I can be a more efficient portion of an "us." I am a total supporter of individualism in a relationship and frown upon instances where you become so involved in a relationship or that other person that you lose yourself. I really feel it is important to love yourself and improve the aspects of yourself that you are unhappy with in order to grow as a person, but also improve a relationship and make it stronger.

It's so easy to get caught up in someone else's life, while yours diminshes into the unknown, where it becomes harder and harder to remember the things that you enjoy because you spend so much time trying to do things that the other enjoys.

I'm a good example of this and I think that Jen is as well. Most people are guilty of it, whether they realize it or not. Jen really is a wonderful woman, though I frequently take her for granted. Other things in my life have made me lose focus and I've spent more time worrying over things in general, whether it be work or school, or family or whatever, I've lost the little things, like a simple text that says, "hey babe--I'm thinking about you..." just the little stuff

I've become consumed and filled with angst and unable to say everything that was on my mind because I was scared of how she would react. What it boils down to is if you are afraid of communicating with your partner or you feel like you can't--what the hell are you in the relationship for?

I should be able to tell her anything, no matter how random or scary and know that while her reaction may not be what I want it to be, that it's completely okay to tell her regardless of the reaction and feel better knowing that I made the effort to be open and honest.

I confessed to something yesterday that had been eating away at me for a while now and affecting different aspects of myself and my portion of what goes into the relationship...It wasn't anything detrimental in my mind (like I hadn't cheated on her or kissed anyone, or anything that would warrant serious repercussions) but it was a fib nonetheless and I couldn't not tell her the truth anymore. She handled it like a champ, though she calmly said she needed time to feel her anger (in different words)...but she was glad that I had told her. I'm still paranoid that my telling the truth now will create issues in the future with her wondering if I'm being dishonest or something all the time.

I pride myself in being a bluntly honest person, unfortunately, when I do fib (as rare as it may be) its generally to protect someone's ego or to make them feel better. It would have been better had I just not tried to sugar coat shit back in the day and been honest from the get go. It's like telling someone you like their haircut and then later on going back and being like, "you know I'm sorry, I lied, that haircut is ridiculous, bangs are SO not for you...) Does that makes sense?

I still require a great deal of space. I don't want to feel like I'm married right now and have all of the "expectations" that come with that. Though I love her, Jen is my girlfriend, not my wife and the more that things return back to the "dating" vibe the better off we will both be. Again, this isn't something that is solely her fault you know...But for me, someone who judging from my sketchy relationship past who might just have committment issues...its easier for me to just think in terms of the future in smaller intervals.

For example, part of our conversation last night is that it bothers her how I don't really look very far into the future....its not that I don't look into the future, its that if I put a timeline next to it, then I kind of freak out and sabotage shit. Like I can look into next week and think hey maybe if we have time, (insert really cool activity) would be fun. Or in August, Gay day at Harbor Park...but I have a really hard time saying forever and always because in the past when I have and things fell through--the shit was thrown in my face and I was once again the bad guy.

It's not that I dont consider the future...its just that I do it on my own terms, which is of course different from Jen's because we are not the same person. I have to respect that we are not the same person and that she is going to clean differently than I do, listen to different music than me, enjoy movies that I think are dumb (and vice versa to all of the above).... it is what it is, we are different individuals, but together we make a fabulous "us." I love her and though she deserves much better than me...I have to get her some serious kudos because she is the most patient, understanding person I've ever been with. She rocks my world (I feel like its been a really long time since Ive said that...I should say it more often.)

I'm glad she found me.