It would've been

It would've been 4 years on July 2nd. 4 years.... in dog years a great deal, on a normal day not that long for many. We were together almost three years when it all fell apart for the last time. We had fought off and on for the last year, but always managed to come to terms and be back to "normal" for at least a breif period before the fights started all over again.

We started as coworkers, she was in a relationship and I had barely come out of the closet to the world. There was an instant attraction but she was very much involved in her happy relationship, and I'm not the type to break that up. I moved away to Nashville, the following week she and her fiance moved to NY (where she was from originally). A brief six months later, I called my mom from Nashville and told her I was going to move home and live with Grandma (Grandpa had been dead about a year at this point I suppose)...I was homesick and while I enjoyed my stay in Nashville and made some great friends there, it wasn't me. Too many cowboy hats and not enough sand and waves. It turns out that she had moved back, alone, a week prior to my return.

She worked for the same company my mom did at the time and I was cutting hair while trying to get in at the company as a branch manager. Mom told me that she had talked to her and she needed a haircut and gave me her number to set it up. I met her at her apartment, barely any furniture to speak of as she was still trying to get settled in. I cut her hair and left...I remember she paid me in rolled coins, I laughed if off and said she didn't have to pay me but she insisted.

The next week we decided to hang out and have a bite to eat...it was sort of a date I suppose and I remember not even being able to stand her that night. She was such a smart ass (even more so than me) and always had to be right. There was a song playing on the speakers of the restaraunt, I said it was one group, she said another....and swore she was right. We made a phonecall and she of course had been right. Dammit. I told my mom that it felt like being on a date with my sister or brother because of the little playful bickering that occurred...it was really quite annoying.

The weeks progressed and we spent more and more time together as the days went on. One thing led to another and we were in a full fledged relationship. I'd stay at her place from time to time, she'd stay at mine...We'd put in a CD and dance right in the living room or bedroom it didnt matter, but we danced a lot....always slow--it was much like meditation while standing if that makes any sense. The first time I went to end it (I can't remember why) I remember us both crying, her hysterical, back to the wall, sliding down it and sitting, holding her knees rocking and asking why...begging for another chance...and me unable to stand my ground because of how I hated to make someone else feel bad. Things would be good again for a while, but before too long we were at the same point yet again.

We broke up for a month once, there wasn't a day I didn't think about her and I couldn't tell if I was just feeling guilty for breaking up with her or if I truly missed her...I went out for drinks with a couple of buddy's of mine. We got wasted...I should have never driven in the first place, but there I was behind the wheel and at her apartment. I knocked on her bedroom window, no response, I got back in my truck and came home...I couldn't leave matters alone so I ended up drunk emailing her instead. It turns out that she was scared to death to come to the window because it was like two in the morning and she didn't live in the safest neighborhood she thought for sure she was going to be shot. We met for lunch a couple days later and before I knew it, a few weeks later I offered for her to move in with me and grandma (she was having some money troubles and had just started a job out closer to where I live, I figured she could save some money)

At first things were gravy. We picked out paint colors together, we took turns deep cleaning, but were anal enough for the place to never get messy in the first place, we bought a clothes line and installed it so that we could cut down on energy costs and everything...we were the perfect team. Then it became apparent once again that things were not perfect and this was no fairy tale. We fought all the time again, I hated her dog, this hoity toity miniature schnauzer who constantly shit in grandma's antique room and whom she never disciplined...she was overly clingy, hated my friends, and couldn't stand the thought of me going anywhere where she wasn't. I tried to introduce her to my friends, but she came off as a cold bitch...my friends referred to her as the "ice queen" which sucked because I loved her and I wanted them to see the good things that I did...but more and more the good qualities faded away.

The breaking point came that November. We moved the upstairs around and instead of having a bedroom and living room, we had two bedrooms. We no longer could stand to sleep in the same room and even sharing counterspace in the bathroom at the same time became an awkward hassle.

I told her that i understood her situation and knew she couldn't afford to move out at the time, and that we just needed to do whatever it took to make things as less stressful as possible. A few days before I was supposed to go out of town for the weekend for my sisters graduation, she told me she was moving. She told me she'd have her stuff out before I got home on Sunday night.

She was right. I got home and her things were gone, the key sat on the table and not even a note was left...it was officially over, almost six months after we had called it quits. There were a few times after that that we attempted to hang out as friends but I could always see that look in her eyes--the one that said she was heartbroken, but tolerated the hurt just to spend time with me.

In september she finally told me that she had to cut her ties completely in order to move on with her life and I told her I would respect that (even though it really hurt.) I was the one that had ended it but it still hurt every damn day. It's hard to explain, but I am not the type of person that can tolerate constant fighting just to be with someone. I got a frantic call from her around December and she tried to give me a heads up that she had been seeing this girl and that she ended up being a psycho and had my phone number and was threatening to call me and tell me awful things which weren't true...I explained to her that she shouldn't be with someone who threatened her like that and that I wouldn't answer or acknowledge any phone numbers from a number I didn't know. She told me she still loved me and I explained to her that I loved her too, but not in the way that she wanted me to. I was in a relationship already.... I sent her a happy birthday text and she thanked me for acknowledging her b-day....

That was the final communication, over seven months ago. There isn't a single day that I don't think about her (not in a I want to be with her sense, but in a I wonder how she's doing...) I miss her friendship. We both agreed that we made awful girlfriends, but fabulous friends and it's hard to lose your best friend....thats the second one to have lose (the other was my best friend from kindergarten to first year of college--we had a huge falling out and never recovered)...

I had a dream about her Saturday morning and woke up with an uneasy feeling. I couldn't take it anymore. I sent her a text that said..."I don't expect you to reply, I just had an uneasy feeling and wanted to check and see if you were okay and that things were fine."

Her: (a few minutes later) OMG, I'm shaking--I can't even find the words to explain how shocked I am to hear from you

Me: Well I didn't want to hinder you after we established that I was holding you back

Her: You never hindered me Tommy, there hasn't been a single day that I haven't thought about you. In many ways you still have a hold of my heart, but I thank you for letting me go the way that you did

(One of the reasons I ended it was because she always used me as an excuse to not better herself...she wanted to accomplish so many things and I ultimately held her back, though not on purpose)

Me: I never wanted to be another Candyce (her ex fiance of 5 years that ended up leaving her for a man...she never fully recovered from that) but you know we made each other miserable...I miss our friendship though

Her: Yeah, I miss it too, that's like the only thing we really ever agreed on, I don't hold any ill will towards you Tommy, I understand now it was for the best

Me: Well we need to get together sometime and catch up, I'm sure we have a lot to fill each other in on

Her: Yeah I'm back at (insert name of our old company here), long story, don't ask and I'm taking a real estate course which feels like its taking forever to finish...you done with school yet?

Me: I graduate in October and still work where I was last, I'm going to be an Aunt soon and Granmda fell and broke her leg...she's still in a wheelchair

Her: I have my 15 year reunion coming up and I'm planning a trip to NY the first weekend in August...man I'm getting old--tell everyone I said hi for me

Me: I will and I'm serious about catching up, don't get the wrong idea though it's all totally innocent

Her: I see you still come with disclaimers...It's a shame that you can't see where you are going wrong until it's already gone wrong and there's no turning back

Me: It is what it is--hindsight is 20/20

Her: How did I know you were going to say that....

Me: Because I'm unfortunately the same person I've always been

Her: We all come with stock responses

Me: Well you get back to work, I've got more sleep to get

Her: Well then stop texting me and go to sleep then

Me: Word

And that was it...a few texts back and forth and finally my mind could be at ease on that topic. It's not healthy for my current relationship to be wondering how an ex is doing simply because I miss her as a friend. I really do hope that it wasn't all talk at that we can be friends again, when that friendship ended it was like a part of me died. The relationship portion was collateral damage, the important piece was the friendship. We forced the relationship along for entirely too long...but we both did a great deal of growing up after it ended.

I realized on Saturday, as I sat in my pajamas all day long, in the dark, just being sad and hormonal that i never actually grieved over the loss of her friendship. I had always just kept the thought in the back of my mind and knew that i missed it, but was always too full of angst to acknowledge the pain I felt/feel because it was so easier to trash talk her because of what she did wrong in the relationship (also taking away from having to admit the things that I did wrong in the relationship)... I thought I was done grieving and then I pulled a CD out of the holder in the dark and put it in the player....the lyrics made me cry because it was a song that we always listened to.

The grieving point is over, simply because I can't go on like this. It isn't fair to Jen at all, regardless of the circumstances. I mean I can't imagine how it looks to be so far after the fact and just now acknowledging loss...what does that say about me? Will Jen hate me for it?