It's strange

I've never been one to hold back, but here lately I'm scared to say much at all and I'm not even 100 percent why. It seems that here lately I disappoint someone for what I do say or anger and frustrate others for what I don't. It's very much a no win situation these days.

I'm not happy. I want to say what's on my mind and have it be understood...I don't want things thrown in my face when I do finally talk about them. I have a lot of bottled up emotion and my mind, body, and soul are in havoc right now.

The fact that I have hormonal issues doesn't help. I'm doing everything I can right now to not go crazy. My insides are eating away at my soul if that makes any sense. I don't understand it. I don't know where to even begin to "fix" it, Hell, I don't even know what IT is...

I guess I'm just rambling for right now. I rearranged the bedroom AGAIN, I'll probably do the living room tomorrow. It helps me clear my head. Everything is a jumbled mess right now and I can't even find the words to attempt blog about it.

I pissed Jen off the other day by not offering to take her and pick her up from the airport. It was my first thought to offer, but when I heard the times I knew that I wouldn't be able to. Should I have asked and just hoped she said, no, that's okay, I can manage? What if she had said okay.... I just don't know.

I don't know much of anything these days. I was supposed to go fishing on Saturday morning early but I couldn't do it. I just needed to sleep. I needed to hide from the world and be miserable...I needed to feel something even if it was just me being miserable. My hormones won on saturday and I bailed on the fishing trip--now I have to go into work tomorrow and explain why I didn't show up. I really did oversleep, but I didn't exactly set an alarm. ON top of that, I was supposed to go to my bosses house Saturday night for her Dad's surprise birthday party (I do my bosses mom's hair) and my boss frequently invites me over to hang out with her and her girlfriend and their friends....but again, I bailed.

My boss is going to think I'm a flake and I guess that in many ways I am. I couldn't make myself snap out the funk I was in, the one that is still lingering. I drove my sister home tonight and on the way back put in a CD that I hadn't listened to in a long while and the lyrics made me cry. It was the Perishers and a CD that I used to listen to a lot...I like their lyrics, but tonight it hit closer to home than normal.

I've stopped taking allergy meds in the evening before bed. Antihistamines you see tend to make me a little emotional, always have, so since my hormones are more out of wack than they have been in quite some time, I think it's wise to avoid anything thats going to make matters worse.

What the hell am I talking about... always fucking rambling.