Freakin' Frackin' Failure

First day of equipment training today--I was sent home with homework, haven't done it yet and may not get to it since I have real homework to do. The company is paying 2100 dollars for me to take this thing so I better not fuck it up.

I hate group projects and I have one in my senior seminar class. The last week has been spent trying to get six people to agree on a time--it hasn't worked yet so three of us met in a class chat to start discussing responsibilities and stupid shit related to the business simulation. Somehow they think the dude named Tommy is the secretary...i agreed to the secretary thing but had to clear up the gender confusion...BLAH...

Chino has got back in the habit of sitting on the back of the couch while grooming me. It's effing weird to have a sandpaper tongue on your scalp (this cat is persistent...) he won't stop until he has thoroughly done his job and purrs nonstop WEIRD

The kicker is that i had a soda today. I fucking said FUCK IT in the ass sideways. Ive got to much weighing on me right now. I've been busting my ass to lose weight and work out and I feel like I'm gaining weight...I haven't had a soda prior to this evening for like a month and a half I don't even know how long now and not a single pound lost WTF. It's like I've tripled my sugar intake compensating for the no sugar I CAN'T WIN.

I feel like a failure and like just throwing in the towel. Sure everyone has set backs but when it comes to transitioning to a healthy lifestyle it's a never ending set back...I want to scream, cry, and well whatever.

In addition I hate that I have a hormonal imbalance/Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome--my female parts are all out of wack. I pms nonstop and never seem to bleed...SOMEONE PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY (overshare and I don't care)--I'm miserable and I can't win this battle with the buldge when my hormones are kicking my ass. How do I win in a battle against my own mind, body, and soul...

HOW? Ive never wanted something so bad in my life...I want to be successful and able to stick with something for a change...I'm tired of the flip flop bullshit...I don't know what to do anymore. When I do have money for groceries which isn't often (so i mooch off of gma and mom) I seem to buy the wrong stuff all the time. THe added stress of all this family bullshit, group projects and extra school work; bullshit at the J-O-B; mood swings--IT DOESNT MATTER THEY ARE ALL EXCUSES....I have to overcome this in order to be successful and not feel like a failure.

I have a graduation in October that I'm going to have to put on a cap and gown and I don't want to look like a tank in fucking dress. Everything I've worked on to this point was undone by a "bad" weekend...I let the stress get to me and now I have to start all over again. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

I really want to cry. This sucks.

Time for bed gotta see what tomorrow has in store for me.