Dual Pooping

I walked into the restroom at work today, ass cheeks clenched to make the prairie dog stay in its hole...(normally I check shoes just to see who all is potentially in there before I decide if I can take a shit or not)...I didn't today, but I noticed the door was closed to stall number one, MY FAVORITE STALL...DAMMIT...SOMEONE ELSE IS IN IT oh well...this one will do I think to myself....

I had heard the toilet flush upon entering so figured I'd just keep my ass cheeks clinched to avoid letting the biggest fart ever out (it had been building for a hot minute). When suddenly, I hear, "Hey Tommy?" in a country accent followed by snickering...FUCK!!! It was cheerleader and she wanted to apparently hold a conversation with me while I shat...NOT COOL. My insides were twisting at this point because I had to go so bad, but I couldn't knowing that I had an audience.

Me: Um, yeah dude what's up
Cheerleader: (snicker snicker, embarrassed) I clogged the toilet...I took a massive shit and it's about to overflow what am I going to do?
Me: (laughing hysterically and still trying not to fart loud) go get maintenance and ask for a plunger...
Cheerleader: OH MY GOD DUDE!!! I can't do that, then they'll know I shit and clogged the toilet...I'm going to wait a few minutes and try to flush it again...the water stopped at the top but it might overflow...
Me: Dude, I have a deuce to drop myself and can't do it with you in here talking to me...

She laughs and walks out...

A few minutes later she returns, her giggling gives her away and I immediately start cracking up as well.

Cheerleader: Field Hockey yelled at me and said I better not leave it--she said there was a plunger in here somewhere (her voice trailing behind her as she moved all around the bathroom) FOUND IT (she exclaimed excitedly from the handicap stall next to me)

I was thinking great...I have a green shit stink cloud swarming around me and she wants to be galavanting around here...she's probably going to go run to Field Hockey's office and tattle on me...Tommy's taking a shit, hahaha...

Again, I digress.

I heard her walk into the end stall (at this point I'm thankful someone else was in my favorite stall because if not, it would be me making the toilet overflow)...So I'm compassionate to her situation but more thankful that it wasn't me...totally jacked up I know. But anyway...She narrates while plunging...

Cheerleader: Oh my god, did I touch anything....ewwwwww grossssss
Cheerleader: Oh my god dude I think I churned it around too much it's all cloudy and gross....
Me: Flush it again and plunge at the same time and see if that works
Cheerleader: Oh my god I can't do that, I'm too scared....then everyone will know it was me...
Me: How
Cheerleader: WHEN THE SHITS ON THE FLOOR AND THE FLOOR IS FLOODED AND I HAVE TO GO GET MAINTENANCE THEY ARE GOING TO KNOW IT WAS ME
Me: (laughing hysterically while shitting and trying to be her on-premise advisor apparently)
Cheerleader: I'm leaving it

She leaves. I finish my biznazz and wash my hands...I head back to my office and the minute the door beeps and unlatches, I see Cheerleader pop her head out of Field Hockey's office...she laughs hysterically.

I stop into Field Hockey's office and explain how I didn't appreciate standing there washing my hands and having someone else walk in and having to freak out thinking they'd go to stall number one see a giant turd floating there and think..."eww that tommy is a dirty nasty bitch" (luckily the girl went straight to a different stall which gave me time to get out without being suspected)

We all laugh...

Cheerleader: Well now no one will think it was either of us, we are in the clear
Field Hockey: Uh, Yeah, except tomorrow morning poor ol maintenance is going to go in there to clean the toilets and his be grossed out
Cheerleader: it will dissolve some by then
Me: (laughing hysterically) Dude, Sit doesn't dissolve, it just breaks up and floats around all rogue like
Field Hokey: EWWW....and the water is going to be all brown and cloudy, that is soooo gross
Cheerleader: but I left the plunger next to the toilet so at least He'll think "well at least they tried to fix it...
Me: (speechless laughing hysterically thinking, please don't get the urge to pee...you can't go back in the bathroom today--you're not allowed....you can't do it...you can't risk it....

We talk a while longer about random shit situations while on the topic of shit....when Field Hockey announces:

"I'm not so grossed about about the fact we are talking about it now, I'm more concerned about the fact that ya'll were in the bathroom dual pooping....that's soooo gross and disturbing."

To sum things up Cheerleader was concerned about making the toilet overflow and then everyone know it was her. I was like how are they going to know, it's not like they are going to walk on the floor and find a big ol turd with a post it not that reads "Cheerleader's Turd." She was like NO, JACKASS....I would have had to get maintenance and be like, um, I made the toilet overflow....

I needed this to happen today...I hadn't laughed that hard in a long while...and cheerleaders face as she closed to office door to ensure no one heard us speak of shit (or at least her shit) made me the weakest of all...