Spiraling, Drifting, Falling

I've had a rough few days.  I feel like my life is on repeat...like I'm living the movie Groundhog day and it never ends.  It's my own fault, I'm the only one that can do anything about it...and yet it seems I'd rather just bitch about things than take action.

A procrastinator of life, that's what I am.  I don't take my own advice and I should.  It's easy for me to feel high and mighty, to tell others what I think they should do, regardless of the circumstances, I seem to always have an answer.  I'm tired.  I'm tired of hearing the sound of my own voice offering others advice when I can't even muster the words to ask for help when I'm overwhelmed, trapped, or flailing. I'm scared.

It dawned on me when I was talking to Jen today.  We were sitting there talking...me in a mood and her trying to figure out what the problem was.  Her mood was feeding off of me, and lil man was feeding off of both of us.  I was the trigger.  I'm not going to make excuses, because in all honesty I don't know enough to make any. Jen is wonderful. Sometimes so wonderful I freak out and wonder when the hell I'm going to wake up from this dream because I'm not used to things being this good for so long at a time.  I've never been in love like this and it scares me.  The vulnerability scares me.

She bought me a mattress cover for my bed (my mattresses are the model above the woven straps tied to wooden frames model from back in the Jamestown Era, lol)--She wanted me to have a better nights sleep, she's always thinking of stuff like that.  They were fabulous and I really appreciate her gestures...I may have a problem getting up for work in the morning however, lol.  But I'm getting sidetracked.

Back to the conversation...I sat there trying to explain to her what my problem was and how I was going insane with my life being on repeat.  She at first thought I meant helping her with lil man, but that wasn't it... not by itself.... I never feel like I have a day off.  I'm nonstop all the time.  I'm frustrated because I thought after freaking ten years of working toward my degree--something I've wanted since I can remember, that I was going to feel differently than I do.  It dawned on me in my conversation with Jen when I admitted that now I'm done, I'm scared, I don't know what the fuck happens next.  I no longer have an excuse to apply for a different job and risk the rejection, or the opportunity that may come from it...I'm a chicken shit.

I'm overwhelmed. So much money spent on school, I could bullshit a paper with my eyes closed (which by the way I got an A on my 20 page research paper titled: The GLBT Workplace: Discrimination, Domestic Partner Benefits, and Diversity Awareness, the professor docked me a few points for a couple of formatting issues and citing my sources incorrectly, but said it was well written and he could tell that it was something I was passionate about--who knew passion in writing...) But sit me down to try and crank out a kick ass resume and well I come up short. 

I have books to help, have found online resources to guide me and I come up short.  I don't know what my problem is.  I hate my job these days and want a CAREER...somewhere with growth potential but I freak out when it comes to the resume writing part of the process...let's not even get started on my interviewing skills...I once managed to somehow maneuver the term "crackhead" into a response to an interview question...talk about awkward and obviously didn't get the gig.

I'm dropping the ball at work in that I had to call my boss Friday night after remember that I hadn't called one of my contractors that was off that day  to tell him that we were working ten hour days all week, which means an hour earlier start time...she text me his number today so I could call him... I got distracted on Friday with a buttload of contractor concerns and issues and it slipped my mind.  Not like me at all. 

I feel like everything I touched today turned to shit.  I made dinner: Homemade mac and cheese (the oven kind), hamburger steak, carmelized carrots, applesauce and crescent rolls... I wasn't impressed with anything but the carrots and got pissed off because the eye I was cooking on has a short in it and was only cooking part of the time...

Mandi is in the hospital tonight...she just text me and said: "Wanna talk butt sweat? Try sitting on a puppy pad with no drawls..." lol... I guess tomorrow I'll officially be an aunt.  This will be a happy beginning I hope.  My sister tried for years to get pregnant with her husband and was unsuccessful...a few months with the baby daddy and she got knocked up on accident...so she's excited, we all are.  My sister has wanted a baby more than anything for as long as I can remember... This kid's gonna be awesome and caring and open minded and I've already had the conversation with my sister as to what her reaction will be if the daughter grows up to be a big ol carpet munching lesbian... she sighed... as if to say, eh...I don't want that to happen, but you know I'm going to love her regardless...

I fell on Friday. I opted against a movie or any social settings Friday night...borrowed my mom's Nissan Titan, which when I started it made me miss my Dodge.... and got Mandi's baby daddy to help me load a love seat and busted dresser and haul it to the dump.  In the process I tripped over something upstairs and fell with 90% of my weight on my knee.  It hurt like a bitch and is bruised pretty bad, but I refuse to go to the doctor since I'm still trying to pay off other medical bills and was just thankful I fell where I did as opposed to down the stairs.

It's midnight now and I just realized I haven't waxed, so I'm putting off sleep even longer.

Monday is the big day for me.  I've gotta take control of my life again.  I've decided that over the next few days (after I get a resume written and apply for that job I want...) I'm going to create a new blog...a weight loss blog.  It's not going to be inspirational or life changing, it will probably just consist of how I want _______ so bad I'd be willing to ______ to get it (insert any fatty food with any inappropriate behavior...) and there's the concept behind that blog. 

I'm back at my heaviest ever though and I'm not comfortable in my own skin.  I've got well over 100 pounds to lose, but dammit I'll get there eventually--I just have to stop procrastinating and do it.  Hell, back in high school I was a size 16 and about 190, but I was hourglass curvy... i felt like such a hefer back then but would kill to be back there, lol...  gotta start sometime right.... I'd ultimately like to be around a 10/12...I'd enjoy that I think but I'm going to take it one day at a time...and just do it.  It's not going to happen overnight and I'm the only one that can do it for me. (I am open to suggestions for the name of my weight loss blog...) I'm thinking something along the lines of STILL WEIGHTING... but I dunno.

I cried last night, I cried today.... I've gotta take control of my life back. 

I talked to my dad for a minute at mom's house via skype.  He's somewhere in Germany for the next few weeks....then somewhere else...then kosovo.  I've never been out of the country, much less to Germany.  My mom is from there...and her mom, my great grandmother still lives there in Augsburg....the pics look beautiful...I'd love to learn the language but would probably opt for spanish first as it would benefit me the most in the working world.

I finished an audio book I was listening to in my car: My Horizontal Life by Chelsea Handler...that was some funny shit.  I love anyone who tosses around stories about their vagina or enjoys referring to it as a Beaver (my mom just bought me a shirt at a thrift store that says Oregon: The beaver state... she thought I'd love it...she was right)...she referred to having Vagina elbow, she said, "it's like tennis elbow only you get it from masterbating too much" lol....

I have an actual book that I'm going to read...AND IT'S NOT A TEXTBOOK FOR A CHANGE!!! so I'm kind of stoked about that. I need to stop putting off sleep.  These brows/beard aren't going to wax themselves and tomorrow is still going to get here regardless of my attempts in stalling it.

I wish I could snap out of this weird mood I'm in and stop over analyzing EVERYTHING... I'm just scared. Overwhelmed. Tired. Impatient...etc

I wanna curl up next to Jen and just cry and have her tell me it's all going to be fine and that I'm not this giant loser that I feel like I am. 

I really love the voice of Cat Power.... this sound just really works for me now.  I'm not sure about whats going on in the video i found on you tube, but if anyone has never listed to Cat Power before--you need to hear what I'm talking about.