Seeing Red

I'm tapping the Rockies this evening and hiding out upstairs. You see, I was having a weird day today... not a bad day, I was just in a weird mood. The littlest things were setting me off. As the day progressed I seem to move to a deeper and darker place.

I felt bad, Jen never knows what the hell triggers them and I can't explain it to her because I don't freaking know myself. We still had a good day overall... we ran errands and picked up stuff for Jen to make her kick ass creamy Caesar chicken. She serves it with egg noodles and extra caesar dressing and it just ROCKS MY WORLD. But I'm getting ahead of myself... let me start at the beginning.

Slept great....woke up, still a little groggy but alive enough to start the day. Fixed lil man a bowl of cereal, but got his order wrong...He clearly stated that he asked for Cookie Crisp and well, silly me... I fixed him Cocoa Crispies--what was I thinking.

I finished homework and got dressed so that we could get it moving. A trip to Jen's townhouse for her to handle some biznazz...then off to another city... a new way... adventure, just driving. A shoe store, nothing good...Cato...some cute shorts, nothing worth buying in my size... off to the grocery store to get the "goods"--Yet again I go somewhere with Jen and run into someone that knows me, lol... This time we picked a different city (still one on the outskirts of mine) and sure enough in the parking lot I hear, "Hey tommy, what are you doing in this neck of the woods?" Yep, another one of my contractors, Jen jokes on me and says something about me being a celebrity, haha...damn small towns.

A stop by moms after winding back roads (which made Jen car sick)... my bad. I was supposed to do mom's and aunt melissa's hair...but wasn't in the mood after all. So I told mom I'd do it tomorrow. She was in a pissy mood anyway so it worked out...

And then home--I walked in the house and was immediately verbally raped by Grandma who had been alone for a few hours and felt compelled to fill me in on any and everything that happened from the time god was a little boy to minutes before me pulling in the driveway. So and so died, and she forgot Pepper outside for a couple of hours because the phone rang and blah blah blah....

Gma: You don't care about much of anything right now huh
Me: Gma is not that I dont care, it's just that every time I walk in the house you immediately start filling me in on kinds of stuff and I don't have time to digest any of it...
Gma: Well maybe I feel like if I don't tell you right then, I'll forget
Me: Maybe, I dunno...

I go upstairs.

I ay down and take a nap for about an hour trying to put myself into a better mood. Jen comes to wake me up, dinner is ready. I go downstairs (enter chaos, stage left)... The tv is blaring loud, normal kitchen noises from cooking and serving food, Jen and Lil man are trying to talk to me, Gma immediately starts reading an email over all of the noise and adds to the chaos.

Me: Gma, please not right now, there is too much going on
Gma: You know you have a real attitude lately (mumbed as she turned off the tv)
Me: Who me?
Gma: Who me? Yeah you

I close my eyes--all I see is red. I open my eyes and see Jen mouthing to me "Go outside, breathe." I'm livid...(she later tells me that she got scared, she had seen my face get red before but never my arms and other areas at the same time...)

Awkward during dinner. Grandma continues to do things just to spite me. I tell Pepper to lay down (because I hate her begging at the dinner table) and Grandma puts broccoli on her fork and let's Pepper eat it. Fucking a grandma...REALLY? She then continues to eat with the same fork (which just bothers me)...

She then has the nerve to say how she appreciates me laying out her clothes last night and washing her sheets and making her bed, and cleaning her bathroom....I didn't acknowledge her. I refuse.

As Jen and I clean the kitchen Gma continues reading us obituaries, emails, anything she can think of just to hear her own fucking voice and annoy the shit out of me.

I'm fucking pissed off. Livid.

She went to bed early and is probably still pouting and all I can think is how I can't wait to have my degree done, find my "dream" job--one where I can afford to pay rent (even if it's just halfing it with Jen) and peace the fuck out from this situation.

She is NEVER going to change. Things are not going to get better. She seems to be getting worse--it seems that the people that do the most for her (me and my mom primarily) are the ones that she treats the worst. Just yesterday I was bathing her, wiping her ass, scrubbing her shit off of every inch of the toilet, off the floor, cutting her diaper off, getting her another pad, putting her shoes on for her and today this bullshit. I just want to look at her and say, you want to see an attitude problem, I'LL FUCKING SHOW YOU AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM.

I don't like this person she is making me become. I used to be caring and compassionate...but now, now I dread coming home. I dread the next time I have to wipe her ass or smell one of her pissy diapers or be yelled at for throwing away food that has gone bad but that she still wanted to eat....to hear about how wasteful I am and how she hates how I don't come and socialize with her friends when they come over...

WELL YOU FUCKING KNOW WHAT...THEY AREN'T MY FRIENDS. I don't not speak, but I'm going to pass on your fucking old ass mother fucking friends commenting on my weight, or their views of my "lifestyle choices," their thoughts on how I'll be roasting in hell... (oh no thats before they realize i'm actually in ear shot...) when they see me its always, Awe Tommy, your grandma is so lucky to have you hear and a fakeness that I just don't have time for. Period.

This is bullshit. I am not this person. I don't have time for this...I have too much going on in my life for the added responsibility or being a fulltime caregiver as well. Grandma is just as good as she was before her fall, but she seems to be worse. IT's like she got used to the attention and now won't do shit for herself...she still refuses to drive or leave the house... if she wants to be a shut in, she needs to move to an assisted living facility because I can't keep doing this.

Fuck me. I'm stuck right now. My mom always jokes that I can move in with her for a while...oh yeah that's a great idea (too much estrogen there, already three dogs) and no extra space because one room is the nursery...) I'm stuck for now, gotta make the most of it...at least until I am financially able to ride off into the sunset with Jen and to our own place far far way. I don't even know where to begin in my job search...I just know that where I am now, is just a stepping stone to where I'm headed...its the destination thats a little blurry right now.