I've mentioned before that my parents are putting their house on the market. This is the house that I've called home off and on for 26 years...we built it and have lived here since. Well when I found out last spring that I was going to be getting laid off from my job sometime by the end of the year, Jen and I opted to not renew our lease and we moved back to the stixx and out of civilization back to the house I've always known.
In theory this was a sweet gig, but it meant a longer commute, no high speed internet (which took me away from my blogging which turns out to be the one outlet that I NEED in order to avoid becoming addicted to my xanax script, lol) and going from a 2 bedroom with 3 people and my dog to a 4 bedroom with 6 people and 3 dogs (unless company is in, which is frequent so more people and more dogs). Luckily when my parents built this house they made it fairly roomy, like 2900 or some feet I think, so I've been pretty spoiled when it comes to space.
Mom and dad in one room, lil man got his own room (which he always loves), Jen and I share one, my aunt has a room, everyone's respective dog crashes with them in said room and there's the other normal stuff...so we aren't cramped really but when you put that many people in a house and consider the differences in personality, opinion, tastes in food, and having 1 eight year old who then has five parents rather than 2 (because yes, everyone tells him what to do, lol) it gets rough. It's rough on Jen and I because we are living under my parents rules (which are fairly leniant, they aren't the crazy overbearing ones, but it's still rough to remain respectful at all times and not feel like you are walking on eggshells a lot of the time) I'm digressing a great deal here but the point is it's not easy. I love that we had somewhere to go when things got tough (living off of unemployment the last 6 months and still trying to contribute to the bills here and put money away isn't always possible. But part of that can be for another blog.
Well in order to get the house on the market, which they wanted to have listed by May 1st there was a lot to do and needless to say on today, June 3rd, it's still not on the market but tomorrow the photographer will be coming to take pics of the house and get everything he needs for the virtual tour on the realtor's website.
So remember how I said this house is 26 years old... well things were alot different in 1986, when I was five or six than they are now (especially when it comes to homes). We had a lot of updating to do. My parents didn't want to put too much money into because they knew they were going to probably lose more than it was worth, but we did the basics. This ranged from scraping wallpaper and removing randomness, new paint, touching up the stain on all the wood work, pressure washing the vinyl on the house and garage, filling holes in the driveway, and keeping everything spotless for pictures.
Periodically my mom will have a meltdown and go off about how she's never going to be able to move or get the house on the market and none of it matters etc etc etc... so then you have me, the literal bipolar one in the family who is trying to keep it together and not go off the deep end in the midst of complete and total chaos in the house. Jen is stressed all the time because of all the changes being made and piles of stuff to be moved out or to be put elsewhere... I'm stressed because I'm home with mom the most since I don't start my new job until tomorrow, so Im the one available to hear her vent...
Let's just say that after those pictures are taken tomorrow, I have to hope that life will get better. I don't have a place to move to yet because I need to get a couple of paychecks for employment verifications, plus my savings (which was going to be security deposit and first months rent is now wiped out--which is understandable considering unemployment pay was only a portion of my annual salary prior to the lay off) plus I had an issue with my unemployment and Im not getting anymore money until I have a phone hearing on June 11th... so that puts a dampner on things to say the least. But none of that matters because I know it will all work out. I know that somewhere there is a place for Jen, me, and lil man, and Pepper the dog (eventually Chino Kitty when I move him from grandmas house where he keeps her company and I go weekly and change the litter box and say hey to grandma)... I know that at some point soon the freedom of having my own place will return and while I appreciate my parents and family, no one can argue with the fact that if you had the option of being on your own or moving back in with the rents, you'd pick freedom. (most parents would pick the same for their kids as well)
Tomorrow I start my new job and report the same time the photographer arrives here. When I get off of work, it will be finished, I can go pick up lil man from the "sitter" and come home, do his spelling words with him and get him fed and then pull out the legos and start rebuilding lego city which had to be torn down for picture purposes... you see blogging isn't my only outlet.... legos is too. Yes, I'm 31 and still play with legos.... so what... they are awesome... plus its a great way to bond with an 8 year old ya know.
The countdown is on, can we just get this over already?
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Friday, June 1, 2012
Torture Redefined
I love carbs. I love carbs so much that I consume them every single day, every single meal, and every single snack without any thought to the number of them I'm taking in. This would be okay if I were a size 2 with a wicked tapeworm.
Unfortunately, I'm a 22 and looking to buy a tapeworm on the black market (not really)(well unless you know of a great deal, lol)... I've always been a bigger girl, but had a pretty face to play it off... I do things that take the focus away from my size and divert it to things I like such as my hair or make up or TATTOOS. I love tattoos almost as much as I love carbs, but I digress.
I realized the other day after seeing pictures of me that were taken over memorial day weekend that I'm much bigger than I thought. I did some math and realized that since I lost my job at the end of December, I've packed on about 25 pounds...
You may be wondering how any of this is relevant (to which I'll remind you of the name of my blog: empty thoughts and leave it at that... the name alone implies plenty)...
I am currently going through a divorce with the love of my life CARBS. I decided that since my sister's wedding is on August 18th and the dress that I have on order is a size 20 (and fit at the time of the fitting... oh how I wish my dress size was my real size, lmao...) that I need to at least not gain any weight in the days leading up to the event.
I figured that the fastest way to drop the pounds would be going low carb. Im not wiping them out completely, but I am trying to keep them below 50g a day. By the time you figure the carbs in veggies, or salad dressing or the residual ones in some meats and cheeses... it will all work out (I don't actually count them). In fact, I started this about 4 days ago and today is the only day I haven't cheated.
Enter Torture stage left. Lil man had a field trip today to the VA Living Museum. His teacher asked Jen if she could provide the pizza for the class so that the kids wouldn't have to worry about packing a lunch. She agreed, but neglected to realize the location of the museum versus the location of her work. Tommy to the rescue. I drove a little over an hour to pick up the pizzas and then back tracked about 15 minutes to get to the museum at which time I called the teacher and let her know I was there and that she could meet me out front.
Sounds simple enough, right? Not so much. We are talking 15 minutes in a 2 door Tiburon with 6 hot and fresh pizzas (3 pepperoni, 3 cheese). It was impossible to not smell them and even more difficult to turn off my stomach, which by this point was now growling and sending messages to my brain that said, "Come on man, you know you want it...let's get our fatass on." Torture.
I am however proud to report that I triumped over said torture and did not cave. I realized that I could eat pizza whenever I want it (I just can't eat the bread/crust parts)... The cheese is my favorite part (I normally scrape it off the pizza and save it for last anyway) so hey... I got this.
It's hard. I miss carbs already. I hear "her" in the cabinets calling my name. Cereal that beckons me to pour ice cold milk over it and enjoy. Loaves of bread that magically shape themselves into a heart to show their love for me... pasta speaking to me in italian (which I don't speak, but totally get the jist of what he's saying. Carbs is in nearly everything, especially in all the things that I love.
But I can do this. I'm going to do this. Hell, I gave up candy for 40 days during lent and I'm not even Catholic...I should be able to do this if I put my mind to it... right? Oh for the love of pete I hope so.
I've already lost 3 pounds (which in this girls world is PHENOMENAL) My mom saw me gettind discouraged and handed me 3 pounds of butter to hold so I had an idea of how much that really is... ALOT.
Triumph over torture, maybe I'll make that my new motto.
I suppose it's not as catchy as "I heart carbs" but hey...we'll work out the logistics later.
Unfortunately, I'm a 22 and looking to buy a tapeworm on the black market (not really)(well unless you know of a great deal, lol)... I've always been a bigger girl, but had a pretty face to play it off... I do things that take the focus away from my size and divert it to things I like such as my hair or make up or TATTOOS. I love tattoos almost as much as I love carbs, but I digress.
I realized the other day after seeing pictures of me that were taken over memorial day weekend that I'm much bigger than I thought. I did some math and realized that since I lost my job at the end of December, I've packed on about 25 pounds...
You may be wondering how any of this is relevant (to which I'll remind you of the name of my blog: empty thoughts and leave it at that... the name alone implies plenty)...
I am currently going through a divorce with the love of my life CARBS. I decided that since my sister's wedding is on August 18th and the dress that I have on order is a size 20 (and fit at the time of the fitting... oh how I wish my dress size was my real size, lmao...) that I need to at least not gain any weight in the days leading up to the event.
I figured that the fastest way to drop the pounds would be going low carb. Im not wiping them out completely, but I am trying to keep them below 50g a day. By the time you figure the carbs in veggies, or salad dressing or the residual ones in some meats and cheeses... it will all work out (I don't actually count them). In fact, I started this about 4 days ago and today is the only day I haven't cheated.
Enter Torture stage left. Lil man had a field trip today to the VA Living Museum. His teacher asked Jen if she could provide the pizza for the class so that the kids wouldn't have to worry about packing a lunch. She agreed, but neglected to realize the location of the museum versus the location of her work. Tommy to the rescue. I drove a little over an hour to pick up the pizzas and then back tracked about 15 minutes to get to the museum at which time I called the teacher and let her know I was there and that she could meet me out front.
Sounds simple enough, right? Not so much. We are talking 15 minutes in a 2 door Tiburon with 6 hot and fresh pizzas (3 pepperoni, 3 cheese). It was impossible to not smell them and even more difficult to turn off my stomach, which by this point was now growling and sending messages to my brain that said, "Come on man, you know you want it...let's get our fatass on." Torture.
I am however proud to report that I triumped over said torture and did not cave. I realized that I could eat pizza whenever I want it (I just can't eat the bread/crust parts)... The cheese is my favorite part (I normally scrape it off the pizza and save it for last anyway) so hey... I got this.
It's hard. I miss carbs already. I hear "her" in the cabinets calling my name. Cereal that beckons me to pour ice cold milk over it and enjoy. Loaves of bread that magically shape themselves into a heart to show their love for me... pasta speaking to me in italian (which I don't speak, but totally get the jist of what he's saying. Carbs is in nearly everything, especially in all the things that I love.
But I can do this. I'm going to do this. Hell, I gave up candy for 40 days during lent and I'm not even Catholic...I should be able to do this if I put my mind to it... right? Oh for the love of pete I hope so.
I've already lost 3 pounds (which in this girls world is PHENOMENAL) My mom saw me gettind discouraged and handed me 3 pounds of butter to hold so I had an idea of how much that really is... ALOT.
Triumph over torture, maybe I'll make that my new motto.
I suppose it's not as catchy as "I heart carbs" but hey...we'll work out the logistics later.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
So...this is what 31 feels like...
Yep, it's my birthday. 31 years ago today I was born...yay, lmao. So in reality its just another day...I've never been big on birthdays (probably stemming from the fact that I had to share a party every single year of my life with my sister, who was born five days short of a year after me and who stays the same age as me for 5 days)... Yep she's a May 19 chick, a Taurus, which makes complete and total sense with her whole bullheaded demeanor...but gotta love her... and the year prior on May 24th I was born... a gemini, which is more scary than you even realize. I've never been huge into astrology and signs and what not, but if you read the "profile" of a gemini, dude, it's sooooo many its ridiculous. I tried to convince everyone for a while that I wasn't bipolar, but actually just a gemini, hahah... that only worked for a short period of time before someone had to intervene, ha.
I can say that there are a lot of things that I thought would be different by the time I got here. Not even referring to when I was 18 trying to picture myself as 31... I'm talking just over the last year. I didn't expect to actually live with my parents for an entire year like I have... I didn't expect to be out of work an entire 6 months like I was... I dunno, I pictured a house, a steady job, maybe even a trade in on my Tiburon with something a little more "sensible" with four doors and what not. I mean when I got it, lil man was only like 5 so he thought it was cool that i had a car that looked like Jazz from transformers...now it just kills me to have to watch him climb in the back crammed in like an anchovie, but hey, he makes the most of it.
Even with the things that I thought would be different, I have to admit there have still been some pretty awesome things happen. Some as crazy as my car insurance dropping to like 87 bucks a month (where at my highest, in my early 20s we were talking closer to 400 bucks a month...) I think that's one of the signs that you are a grown up... well that and the fact that my Lane Bryant credit card just sent me a letter letting me know that they increased my credit limit and it didn't spark an immediate need for a shopping spree, lmao.
I need to request a new birth certificate from the state of North Carolina because the one I have (the orginal) is just a little white retangle piece of paper and apparently isnt considered official or legit. If I'm going to eventually file for a marriage license, I'm going to need that.
I dunno... I do want to share with you the coolest birthday present ever:
My mom and dad bought them for me. It's a gift that says, we love you, we support you, but you're 31 for pete's sake, move the fuck out.
Lmao... In reality I was going to buy them for myself because they just made me happy!!! My mom was like you don't need a suitcase, I was like mom, no I NEED these suitcases, lmao. They just make me so happy how bright and colorful and super gay they are. LOVE IT.
So that's what mom/dad opted to do for me for my birthday rather than their original idea whatever that was.
My sister and niece are coming in this weekend and I think she's bringing her fiance... he's a cool dude as I've mentioned before.... but most of all I'm looking forward to seeing Charley, my niece...she's 2 and a half now... and so big and talking up a storm and she just makes me crack up. Anyway, I'm sure that I'll be motivated here before too long to share some pictures of her... I bought her a rainbow striped bathing suit yesterday for 2 bucks, brand new at the thrift store... I figured, hell for 2 bucks even if she only wears it once to amuse me then it's worth it... (her mom probably won't have her rocking it when they get home because it's a bikini and she's anti those... it's not one thats like an 18 yr olds but made for a 2 year old, it's a legit age appropriate bikini, but I digress.
For now, I need a nap. Maybe I can get away with that since it's my birthday and all.
I can say that there are a lot of things that I thought would be different by the time I got here. Not even referring to when I was 18 trying to picture myself as 31... I'm talking just over the last year. I didn't expect to actually live with my parents for an entire year like I have... I didn't expect to be out of work an entire 6 months like I was... I dunno, I pictured a house, a steady job, maybe even a trade in on my Tiburon with something a little more "sensible" with four doors and what not. I mean when I got it, lil man was only like 5 so he thought it was cool that i had a car that looked like Jazz from transformers...now it just kills me to have to watch him climb in the back crammed in like an anchovie, but hey, he makes the most of it.
Even with the things that I thought would be different, I have to admit there have still been some pretty awesome things happen. Some as crazy as my car insurance dropping to like 87 bucks a month (where at my highest, in my early 20s we were talking closer to 400 bucks a month...) I think that's one of the signs that you are a grown up... well that and the fact that my Lane Bryant credit card just sent me a letter letting me know that they increased my credit limit and it didn't spark an immediate need for a shopping spree, lmao.
I need to request a new birth certificate from the state of North Carolina because the one I have (the orginal) is just a little white retangle piece of paper and apparently isnt considered official or legit. If I'm going to eventually file for a marriage license, I'm going to need that.
I dunno... I do want to share with you the coolest birthday present ever:
My mom and dad bought them for me. It's a gift that says, we love you, we support you, but you're 31 for pete's sake, move the fuck out.
Lmao... In reality I was going to buy them for myself because they just made me happy!!! My mom was like you don't need a suitcase, I was like mom, no I NEED these suitcases, lmao. They just make me so happy how bright and colorful and super gay they are. LOVE IT.
So that's what mom/dad opted to do for me for my birthday rather than their original idea whatever that was.
My sister and niece are coming in this weekend and I think she's bringing her fiance... he's a cool dude as I've mentioned before.... but most of all I'm looking forward to seeing Charley, my niece...she's 2 and a half now... and so big and talking up a storm and she just makes me crack up. Anyway, I'm sure that I'll be motivated here before too long to share some pictures of her... I bought her a rainbow striped bathing suit yesterday for 2 bucks, brand new at the thrift store... I figured, hell for 2 bucks even if she only wears it once to amuse me then it's worth it... (her mom probably won't have her rocking it when they get home because it's a bikini and she's anti those... it's not one thats like an 18 yr olds but made for a 2 year old, it's a legit age appropriate bikini, but I digress.
For now, I need a nap. Maybe I can get away with that since it's my birthday and all.
Monday, May 21, 2012
While I was away...
So I just realized I haven't blogged since the end of February... oh how I long for high speed internet and living in civilization. I loved being able to just open my computer and blog. I've been writing, but in a different format you could say...I've started writing my first book. It's a memoir I suppose and while I have no idea who would want to read it, I'm proud of myself for the simple fact that I started it and am letting go of a lot of things by sharing it aloud (or on paper, lol)...
A lot has happened in my absence... my sister is getting married again. The guy is great... i met him at Christmas and he treats her great and my niece loves him to death so he gets my vote for sure. I'm going to be her maid of honor...the wedding will take place in August and will be on a ball field where she and her new husband will throw the first pitch of the game, which is pretty friggin awesome if you ask me.
I've gained like twenty pounds since losing my job at the end of December... I've been rather bored and found comfort in eating my emotions.. I should really swap out the candy bars, skittles, gummi bears, and junk food in general for "pussy" lol... Jen wouldn't complain and well I'm sure it's less calories, plus I'd be burning a few as I went so it would balance out... In reality it sounds good, but we have very different schedules and I'm cranky if I get woke up, so for her to tap me on the shoulder and be like, hey Want a snack--well let's just say it wouldn't be pleasant...
I ordered my short, frilly, chiffon bridesmaids dress in Horizon blue (kind of like a royal blue I suppose) and have to at least not get any bigger than I am in order for it to fit come the big day... my goal is actually to shed some weight and have to have it taken in (a girl can dream right...) Jen was also supposed to be in the wedding party, but couldn't justify the cost of the dress right now since she has a new car now and other obligations. So my sister in law is going to be one instead...
Speaking of my sister in law... she's pregnant. My brother is super excited, but they are both nervous at the same time because she miscarried once already and it hurt them deeply... She wasn't far along the last time and now I'd say shes at like 8 or 9 weeks, so not in the clear yet, but she feels better about this go round... they are keeping it more on the down low than last time because they don't want to have something happen and then have to explain to everyone if something goes wrong. My fingers are crossed because I think overall my brother will be a great dad. My sister in law already has one kid, she's ten, so I know already that she's good to go in the mom department, you know.
My sister was also pregnant. Yes, I said was. She was about 2 or 3 months along and went to the doctor for an ultrasound when they discovered there was no heart beat. The doctors pretty much told her to prepare for a miscarriage... it will pass and life will go on type of thing. What they didn't expect was all the complications that came with it. My sister lost a lot of blood, passed out several times in the bathroom while my niece was awake, freaking out and crying, because of the "crime scene" (I can only imagine how it seemed to a 2.5 year old)... She managed to send a text that she thought she needed to go to the hospital before passing out again in the middle of the bathroom floor. A friend of hers banged on the door until she finally came to and opened it at which point she took her to the hospital. My mom went up to take care of my niece and to help my sister out physically and emotionally. Well the hospital was ready to discharge her, but when she stood up her blood pressure dropped and she got lightheaded and almost passed out again. They admitted her and ended up giving her 4 units of blood. The nurse couldn't even believe my sister was conscious because of the amount of blood she had lost. She had gone "critical" and was in ICU for a brief time but luckily came out of it okay. My mom brought her back here, rather than leaving her in the town she lives in 5 hours away because her job was still trying to get ahold of her and get her to work and other bullshit. I'm just glad she's okay. It was rough on her and her fiance (her fiance has also been married once before and his exwife miscarried, so he was a little traumatized Id say).
Jen and I have been having a hard time with lil man. He's been going through some serious shit since turning 8. He has his super sweet moments but a lot of times they are overshadowed by his demonish possessed ways. I'm learning that while jen may disagree, my patience level is higher than I ever could have imagined. I think he's ADHD or something... he is the mirror image of my brother at that age... fidgety, can't stay focused, all over the damn place, can't remember shit you just told him because he's too busy thinking about what he's going to do or get into next... but the biggest issue is his lying. He lies all the time. It's scary how good he is at it. He gets off the school bus lying... he recently had the teacher initial next to an assignment he wrote in his agenda (thats where he writes what homework he has)... after she initialed it, he erased the assignment and wrote "none' because he didn't feel like fucking doing it.
He currently has no toys in his room. My mom got so fed up the last time he lied (a few days ago) that she went and boxed up every single one of his toys and took them away (except for the legos which are in my room so I can play with them, not him) He's allowed to read, write, draw, or do outside activities like ride his bike or play ball or stuff like that... no toys though, he has to earn them back. He had already lost video games and tv... I've tried having him write I will not lie 100 times (he hates writing and has horrendous handwriting so it kills 2 birds with one stone... practice while being tortured).. I told him the next time would be 200... he wrote 200 just a couple of days ago. The next time will be 500 and then 1000... I dont know what the hell else to do. Luckily he's going to be with his dad the ENTIRE summer which gives me a break, time to be a "free" adult without having to worry about a babysitter or a kid walking in during sex (which luckily hasn't happened, knock on wood)... It gives me a chance to like him again, lmao. His dad doesn't take any shit and spanks him more than we do (I've tried that approach too, it doesn't work)... If I were to do it to the point that I know he'd never do it again, I'd be put in jail for child abuse... My parents were able to do it to us kids and man, we didn't do shit again after being punished for it once, I can tell you that much... but I digress.
My mom and dad are selling their house. My dad will be retiring in September, the National Guard didn't renew his "contract" or whatever it's called... he's trying to get a civil service job for a year or two so that he doesn't lose out on his civil service retirement... either way I think he's just happy to be over with it soon.
After the last hurricane last year, mom and dad had to replace a lot of stuff in their beach house down in Salvo, NC (past rodanthe, of the movie/book Nights in Rodanthe)... (they didn't have insurance because of the age of the house and lack of updates, no one would cover it) well with all the mold that came with the 4 inches of water that got in the house came a lot of opportunity to fix, redo, and upgrade. They decided since they are putting all kinds of money into fixing the place up and making it current (everything prior to this was circa 1955-1960s, except for their fishing equipment)... they put a new bathroom in, new flooring, turned the spare bedroom into two, redid the kitchen and made it a custom kitchen thats just awesome... and sooooo much more--they are going to retire there. So, I'm in the process of using my unemployed time to help mom and dad get this house ready to sell...
They will be moved out by mid June at the latest... I'll be able to stay here with Jen for a little while, which will help it not be vacant, but also gives me time to find a place... I just found out that Jen's sister and her kids are planning or considering a change of scenery and want to move out here to VA from Colorado. I think it's awesome if they were to do that. Lil man will have someone to play with a lot more, and well they are just cool. Jen's oldest nephew is now my godson (his original godparent has been estranged from the family and he doesn't really know him and well I stepped up, lol)... so I'm his godfather, yes father... he also refers to me as his uncle just because its hilarious. The second oldest is 17 and just came out of the closet. I told him he could call me anytime he needed to because, even though I didn't come out during high school, I've been out a lot longer than Jen and feel like I might be of help in some areas that she cant. He was having some problems with depression for a while... I can only imagine how tough it is for a kid to be out in high school... I sent him my black canvas messenger bag with the little rainbow squiggly which was the first "gay" thing I ever owned. I told him the story behind it in a letter that I sent and reminded him that sometimes the things that are the most right are the hardest, never second guess himself and so on. I would love to be the one who takes him to his first PRIDE and what have you.... The other two kids are like 11 and 13 I think.. a boy and a girl.
Part of me is leery about his whole thing for the simple fact that this is the same sister that had the New York opportunity about a year ago that fell through... She was offered a spectacular job, found Jen and I positions, but when it came to the move her ex husband had an issue with the distance and since he didn't agree they couldn't move or something...so it's kind of a I'll believe it when I see it scenario. A change of scenery would do them good though... Jen and her sister are having a hard time with their mom right now... (shes quite narcissistic and all about herslf, she always has to be the victim and blah blah blah)... I digress....
Jen and I have been talking more and more about getting married. We've been engaged for over a year now and I'm not necessarily in a rush. I want to marry her but I want to be sure that she takes things like finances seriously like I do... The things we fight about the most are money, lil man, and my obsessive compulsiveness when it comes to cleaning vs her 'eh, I'll get it done eventually and will do it half way" mentality... As hard as it is to have a "gay marriage" recognized, I'd hate to have to look into a "gay divorce" lol... I mean what it boils down to is that no, I wouldn't want to fight with anyone else (not to say that's all we do, lol) but at the same time I want to know for sure that she has my back. I've been out of work for nearly six months now and haven't had to ask for her help yet. I like us having independent finances, but I opened an account to help her save money, for things like lil man's travel to his dads house and what not... and well after wiping it out for the last plane ticket, it has remained at 4 dollars for some time now. We are getting ready to move out and be paying a ridiculous amount in rent again and there is no money saved. I started out my unemployment with nearly 3 grand in savings... I have no insurance and have to stay medicated, so that's a serious expense, plus paying our storage fees so our shit doesn't get auctioned off, my phone bill, car payment, car insurance, etc (my student loans are on hold right now since i'm not working thank god)... well now I'm down to 600 bucks and that makes me nervous as fuck considering that I was pretty much guessing that I'd be the one putting down a deposit plus first months rent, plus the money for credit checks and shit...
The good news is that I accepted a job offer that starts on June 4th. So at least I'll have "real" income again. But I'll only getr 1.5 paychecks in June so I'm really trying to get her to see that I need her help and I need to believe that she's got my back and not going to just waste money all the time. She's going to have to get lil man back from his dads which is always at least 700 bucks per trip plus all the expenses that we both have individually and then putting higher rent up there... well I'm stressed the fuck out.
She says she wants me to help her with her finances and I already banned her from ebay (she's an addict for real)... she doesn't always tell me shit that I should know that will help both of us out. I can't plan on rent getting paid (an amount that we can only afford together) and then find out that she decided she needed new shoes or new floormats for her new car or something and is short on her portion of rent or groceries, or electric, or whatever... I want to believe that she's in it like an adult but I'm not always sure. Does it make me not love her, no...does it make me want to smother her in her sleep...absolutely.
All venting aside we found a lady in Washington DC that will file the paperwork for you to get the marriage license and everything else needed and then you show up and she'll marry you in either an informal ceremony or a fancy one. Jen and I figure it will just be the two of us going to do do and she wants informal, but I want slightly informal with at least a ceremony. She's been married before and had the white dress and bridesmaids and stuff, but I haven't. This will be my first and hopefully only one... I want us to at least go through the motions of a real wedding. I want us to wear simple dresses (not actual wedding dresses), have our hair and make up done, have a photographer capture the event since no one will be there to witness it really... and that kind of stuff, then stay the night in DC, get up the next day and sightsee and drive home. It's only like 3 to 3.5 hours from here so it's not that big of a trek... but then again, i still have to research things like, if VA doesn't recognize the marriage then can Jen still legally change her name on her IDs and such... I don't know how all that works... We probably won't be able to file joint taxes either...still a lot of unknowns, but it's worth it... I mean I have to assume that one day, hopefully before I die, my marriage will be acknowledged as just that.
If I had unlimited funds, my dream wedding would involve renting a bed and breakfast in Vermont... having our guests (not too many) stay there and have the service on the grounds, pictures... dresses, a couple of bridesmaids, etc... cake... it's funny how much of a girl I am when I think about stuff like this... but I don't have unlimited funds and hell even a trip for just Jen and I to VT is out of the question... plus since she's already done this before, I understand her not being all into the "traditional shit"... a compromise it will be...eventually. We havent picked a date, but know we are going to do it sometime this summer while lil man is at his dads and we can make the most of our trip to DC (not having to hear 'my legs hurt" or I'm bored and what not)...plus being able to have a legit dirty kinky honeymoon is definitely on both of our to do lists....
In other news I got a couple of tattoos... (part of my 3000 savings was dedicated to me being irresponsible and getting tattooed....) you only live once and well I didn't plan on being unemployed this long. I now have a pinup that takes up my entire left upper arm, and even drops down below my elbow. Shes a pretty woman with her back turned, sitting on a lotus flower, she has a peacock tattoo on her back that comes to life and the peacock feathers come off her skin and drop down over the lotus flower... I'll put up pictures when it's done healing. It took 3 sessions (over 2 months time) to get her finished and shes beautiful... shes bright and colorful and just fabulous... I love my artist. I also got a comemorative tattoo for my grandpa that past away last year. It's a purple hippo (sometime I've wanted tattooed for a while bc i love hippos) with the outline of West VA, a handle bar moustache, a bottle of Crown Royal and an army beret... everything that reminds me of my grandpa, lol.
Oh random note, my old boss is one of my employment references (you know the boss that I hated and made my life a living hell)... he apparently gave me a stellar reference which surprised me. He did tell me that he hopes I get a "me" working for me that tests my patience everyday like I did him, but he said that I'm intelligent and quite talented, suggested a couple of areas I should hone in on for improvement and said, picture the kind of boss you want to have and then be that kind of boss to your employees. I was surprised to say the least... all I could think was where was this when we worked together asshole, lmao. The job I start in June is my first "manager" position... I'll be running the site and I'm excited. Hopefully I don't fuck it up.
Well I apologize for not blogging sooner (I'm sure you've noticed that I go through phases)...but I have to get a hot bath and get ready for Jen to get home :) She has a late night tonight and an early morning tomorrow, but I think we are going to sacrifice a little sleep for a lot of fun, lmao.
More to come later...
A lot has happened in my absence... my sister is getting married again. The guy is great... i met him at Christmas and he treats her great and my niece loves him to death so he gets my vote for sure. I'm going to be her maid of honor...the wedding will take place in August and will be on a ball field where she and her new husband will throw the first pitch of the game, which is pretty friggin awesome if you ask me.
I've gained like twenty pounds since losing my job at the end of December... I've been rather bored and found comfort in eating my emotions.. I should really swap out the candy bars, skittles, gummi bears, and junk food in general for "pussy" lol... Jen wouldn't complain and well I'm sure it's less calories, plus I'd be burning a few as I went so it would balance out... In reality it sounds good, but we have very different schedules and I'm cranky if I get woke up, so for her to tap me on the shoulder and be like, hey Want a snack--well let's just say it wouldn't be pleasant...
I ordered my short, frilly, chiffon bridesmaids dress in Horizon blue (kind of like a royal blue I suppose) and have to at least not get any bigger than I am in order for it to fit come the big day... my goal is actually to shed some weight and have to have it taken in (a girl can dream right...) Jen was also supposed to be in the wedding party, but couldn't justify the cost of the dress right now since she has a new car now and other obligations. So my sister in law is going to be one instead...
Speaking of my sister in law... she's pregnant. My brother is super excited, but they are both nervous at the same time because she miscarried once already and it hurt them deeply... She wasn't far along the last time and now I'd say shes at like 8 or 9 weeks, so not in the clear yet, but she feels better about this go round... they are keeping it more on the down low than last time because they don't want to have something happen and then have to explain to everyone if something goes wrong. My fingers are crossed because I think overall my brother will be a great dad. My sister in law already has one kid, she's ten, so I know already that she's good to go in the mom department, you know.
My sister was also pregnant. Yes, I said was. She was about 2 or 3 months along and went to the doctor for an ultrasound when they discovered there was no heart beat. The doctors pretty much told her to prepare for a miscarriage... it will pass and life will go on type of thing. What they didn't expect was all the complications that came with it. My sister lost a lot of blood, passed out several times in the bathroom while my niece was awake, freaking out and crying, because of the "crime scene" (I can only imagine how it seemed to a 2.5 year old)... She managed to send a text that she thought she needed to go to the hospital before passing out again in the middle of the bathroom floor. A friend of hers banged on the door until she finally came to and opened it at which point she took her to the hospital. My mom went up to take care of my niece and to help my sister out physically and emotionally. Well the hospital was ready to discharge her, but when she stood up her blood pressure dropped and she got lightheaded and almost passed out again. They admitted her and ended up giving her 4 units of blood. The nurse couldn't even believe my sister was conscious because of the amount of blood she had lost. She had gone "critical" and was in ICU for a brief time but luckily came out of it okay. My mom brought her back here, rather than leaving her in the town she lives in 5 hours away because her job was still trying to get ahold of her and get her to work and other bullshit. I'm just glad she's okay. It was rough on her and her fiance (her fiance has also been married once before and his exwife miscarried, so he was a little traumatized Id say).
Jen and I have been having a hard time with lil man. He's been going through some serious shit since turning 8. He has his super sweet moments but a lot of times they are overshadowed by his demonish possessed ways. I'm learning that while jen may disagree, my patience level is higher than I ever could have imagined. I think he's ADHD or something... he is the mirror image of my brother at that age... fidgety, can't stay focused, all over the damn place, can't remember shit you just told him because he's too busy thinking about what he's going to do or get into next... but the biggest issue is his lying. He lies all the time. It's scary how good he is at it. He gets off the school bus lying... he recently had the teacher initial next to an assignment he wrote in his agenda (thats where he writes what homework he has)... after she initialed it, he erased the assignment and wrote "none' because he didn't feel like fucking doing it.
He currently has no toys in his room. My mom got so fed up the last time he lied (a few days ago) that she went and boxed up every single one of his toys and took them away (except for the legos which are in my room so I can play with them, not him) He's allowed to read, write, draw, or do outside activities like ride his bike or play ball or stuff like that... no toys though, he has to earn them back. He had already lost video games and tv... I've tried having him write I will not lie 100 times (he hates writing and has horrendous handwriting so it kills 2 birds with one stone... practice while being tortured).. I told him the next time would be 200... he wrote 200 just a couple of days ago. The next time will be 500 and then 1000... I dont know what the hell else to do. Luckily he's going to be with his dad the ENTIRE summer which gives me a break, time to be a "free" adult without having to worry about a babysitter or a kid walking in during sex (which luckily hasn't happened, knock on wood)... It gives me a chance to like him again, lmao. His dad doesn't take any shit and spanks him more than we do (I've tried that approach too, it doesn't work)... If I were to do it to the point that I know he'd never do it again, I'd be put in jail for child abuse... My parents were able to do it to us kids and man, we didn't do shit again after being punished for it once, I can tell you that much... but I digress.
My mom and dad are selling their house. My dad will be retiring in September, the National Guard didn't renew his "contract" or whatever it's called... he's trying to get a civil service job for a year or two so that he doesn't lose out on his civil service retirement... either way I think he's just happy to be over with it soon.
After the last hurricane last year, mom and dad had to replace a lot of stuff in their beach house down in Salvo, NC (past rodanthe, of the movie/book Nights in Rodanthe)... (they didn't have insurance because of the age of the house and lack of updates, no one would cover it) well with all the mold that came with the 4 inches of water that got in the house came a lot of opportunity to fix, redo, and upgrade. They decided since they are putting all kinds of money into fixing the place up and making it current (everything prior to this was circa 1955-1960s, except for their fishing equipment)... they put a new bathroom in, new flooring, turned the spare bedroom into two, redid the kitchen and made it a custom kitchen thats just awesome... and sooooo much more--they are going to retire there. So, I'm in the process of using my unemployed time to help mom and dad get this house ready to sell...
They will be moved out by mid June at the latest... I'll be able to stay here with Jen for a little while, which will help it not be vacant, but also gives me time to find a place... I just found out that Jen's sister and her kids are planning or considering a change of scenery and want to move out here to VA from Colorado. I think it's awesome if they were to do that. Lil man will have someone to play with a lot more, and well they are just cool. Jen's oldest nephew is now my godson (his original godparent has been estranged from the family and he doesn't really know him and well I stepped up, lol)... so I'm his godfather, yes father... he also refers to me as his uncle just because its hilarious. The second oldest is 17 and just came out of the closet. I told him he could call me anytime he needed to because, even though I didn't come out during high school, I've been out a lot longer than Jen and feel like I might be of help in some areas that she cant. He was having some problems with depression for a while... I can only imagine how tough it is for a kid to be out in high school... I sent him my black canvas messenger bag with the little rainbow squiggly which was the first "gay" thing I ever owned. I told him the story behind it in a letter that I sent and reminded him that sometimes the things that are the most right are the hardest, never second guess himself and so on. I would love to be the one who takes him to his first PRIDE and what have you.... The other two kids are like 11 and 13 I think.. a boy and a girl.
Part of me is leery about his whole thing for the simple fact that this is the same sister that had the New York opportunity about a year ago that fell through... She was offered a spectacular job, found Jen and I positions, but when it came to the move her ex husband had an issue with the distance and since he didn't agree they couldn't move or something...so it's kind of a I'll believe it when I see it scenario. A change of scenery would do them good though... Jen and her sister are having a hard time with their mom right now... (shes quite narcissistic and all about herslf, she always has to be the victim and blah blah blah)... I digress....
Jen and I have been talking more and more about getting married. We've been engaged for over a year now and I'm not necessarily in a rush. I want to marry her but I want to be sure that she takes things like finances seriously like I do... The things we fight about the most are money, lil man, and my obsessive compulsiveness when it comes to cleaning vs her 'eh, I'll get it done eventually and will do it half way" mentality... As hard as it is to have a "gay marriage" recognized, I'd hate to have to look into a "gay divorce" lol... I mean what it boils down to is that no, I wouldn't want to fight with anyone else (not to say that's all we do, lol) but at the same time I want to know for sure that she has my back. I've been out of work for nearly six months now and haven't had to ask for her help yet. I like us having independent finances, but I opened an account to help her save money, for things like lil man's travel to his dads house and what not... and well after wiping it out for the last plane ticket, it has remained at 4 dollars for some time now. We are getting ready to move out and be paying a ridiculous amount in rent again and there is no money saved. I started out my unemployment with nearly 3 grand in savings... I have no insurance and have to stay medicated, so that's a serious expense, plus paying our storage fees so our shit doesn't get auctioned off, my phone bill, car payment, car insurance, etc (my student loans are on hold right now since i'm not working thank god)... well now I'm down to 600 bucks and that makes me nervous as fuck considering that I was pretty much guessing that I'd be the one putting down a deposit plus first months rent, plus the money for credit checks and shit...
The good news is that I accepted a job offer that starts on June 4th. So at least I'll have "real" income again. But I'll only getr 1.5 paychecks in June so I'm really trying to get her to see that I need her help and I need to believe that she's got my back and not going to just waste money all the time. She's going to have to get lil man back from his dads which is always at least 700 bucks per trip plus all the expenses that we both have individually and then putting higher rent up there... well I'm stressed the fuck out.
She says she wants me to help her with her finances and I already banned her from ebay (she's an addict for real)... she doesn't always tell me shit that I should know that will help both of us out. I can't plan on rent getting paid (an amount that we can only afford together) and then find out that she decided she needed new shoes or new floormats for her new car or something and is short on her portion of rent or groceries, or electric, or whatever... I want to believe that she's in it like an adult but I'm not always sure. Does it make me not love her, no...does it make me want to smother her in her sleep...absolutely.
All venting aside we found a lady in Washington DC that will file the paperwork for you to get the marriage license and everything else needed and then you show up and she'll marry you in either an informal ceremony or a fancy one. Jen and I figure it will just be the two of us going to do do and she wants informal, but I want slightly informal with at least a ceremony. She's been married before and had the white dress and bridesmaids and stuff, but I haven't. This will be my first and hopefully only one... I want us to at least go through the motions of a real wedding. I want us to wear simple dresses (not actual wedding dresses), have our hair and make up done, have a photographer capture the event since no one will be there to witness it really... and that kind of stuff, then stay the night in DC, get up the next day and sightsee and drive home. It's only like 3 to 3.5 hours from here so it's not that big of a trek... but then again, i still have to research things like, if VA doesn't recognize the marriage then can Jen still legally change her name on her IDs and such... I don't know how all that works... We probably won't be able to file joint taxes either...still a lot of unknowns, but it's worth it... I mean I have to assume that one day, hopefully before I die, my marriage will be acknowledged as just that.
If I had unlimited funds, my dream wedding would involve renting a bed and breakfast in Vermont... having our guests (not too many) stay there and have the service on the grounds, pictures... dresses, a couple of bridesmaids, etc... cake... it's funny how much of a girl I am when I think about stuff like this... but I don't have unlimited funds and hell even a trip for just Jen and I to VT is out of the question... plus since she's already done this before, I understand her not being all into the "traditional shit"... a compromise it will be...eventually. We havent picked a date, but know we are going to do it sometime this summer while lil man is at his dads and we can make the most of our trip to DC (not having to hear 'my legs hurt" or I'm bored and what not)...plus being able to have a legit dirty kinky honeymoon is definitely on both of our to do lists....
In other news I got a couple of tattoos... (part of my 3000 savings was dedicated to me being irresponsible and getting tattooed....) you only live once and well I didn't plan on being unemployed this long. I now have a pinup that takes up my entire left upper arm, and even drops down below my elbow. Shes a pretty woman with her back turned, sitting on a lotus flower, she has a peacock tattoo on her back that comes to life and the peacock feathers come off her skin and drop down over the lotus flower... I'll put up pictures when it's done healing. It took 3 sessions (over 2 months time) to get her finished and shes beautiful... shes bright and colorful and just fabulous... I love my artist. I also got a comemorative tattoo for my grandpa that past away last year. It's a purple hippo (sometime I've wanted tattooed for a while bc i love hippos) with the outline of West VA, a handle bar moustache, a bottle of Crown Royal and an army beret... everything that reminds me of my grandpa, lol.
Oh random note, my old boss is one of my employment references (you know the boss that I hated and made my life a living hell)... he apparently gave me a stellar reference which surprised me. He did tell me that he hopes I get a "me" working for me that tests my patience everyday like I did him, but he said that I'm intelligent and quite talented, suggested a couple of areas I should hone in on for improvement and said, picture the kind of boss you want to have and then be that kind of boss to your employees. I was surprised to say the least... all I could think was where was this when we worked together asshole, lmao. The job I start in June is my first "manager" position... I'll be running the site and I'm excited. Hopefully I don't fuck it up.
Well I apologize for not blogging sooner (I'm sure you've noticed that I go through phases)...but I have to get a hot bath and get ready for Jen to get home :) She has a late night tonight and an early morning tomorrow, but I think we are going to sacrifice a little sleep for a lot of fun, lmao.
More to come later...
Monday, February 20, 2012
Life continues
I feel like I need to throw up...I mean I have already tonight because of this headache I can't shake... I feel gross all the time, I eat things that I don't necessarily want and that don't even taste good... nothing tastes good really... I went through a chocolate phase, then a gummi bear phase, then a hot tamale phase, then a starburst jelly bean phase, and now well now I just eat whatever the fuck I see most of the time.
Ugh. Gotta do something about that. But it's harder than normal. I have no job to go to and keep me occupied or to give me purpose. I'm at home the majority of the time, not really stir crazy, but just here. Eh...
I had a big interview last week but don't think I got the position. I got one of those generic you aren't being considered for the position emails from HR, but I don't know if it was for that position or another one with the same company but a different location...
This week brings another big interview. This one will fly me to Pittsburgh, PA... land me in a rental to where I'll drive an hour or so to the hotel where I'll stay until my interview on Thursday morning in the next town over... then fly back from PA into Norfolk Thursday evening and carry on with life.
I'm scared. It's funny...I have all these goals and dreams that involve relocation, but then I worry about shitting the bed. What if I fuck up and get fired... obviously with relocation comes a lot of financial issues and if the company that hires me pays those... well there will be some type of promissory note that says if I quit or get fired before x amount of time that I owe the company money.
Plus, if that happened then I'd be in a new place with no family and no job... Obviously you can see that my mind is wandering and that I have way too much free time to think about these things.
Jen is rumored to be up for a promotion, which is phenomenal and I'm super proud of her... but with that would be a relocation for her... so what happens if I get a job in one state and she gets one in another. I am going to go where there is work for me and I don't expect her to not take a promotion... I mean hello... I am all about personal growth ESPECIALLY when it comes to careers...but at the same time I'm not willing to be a stay at home mom while Jen works in a new place...fuck that. I love her but I can't handle it. I've been doing that now and it's tough.
Lil man is going through whatever he is going through and actually told me the other day that he wouldn't care if I left and that he actually wants me to leave. Then he turns around later on and tells me he loves me and wants to know when we are going to do something as a family. WTF?????? I don't know what's going on with this kid... I love him but I think he's trying to put me over the edge and well it's working.
So needless to say there's a lot going on in Tommy world... tons on my mind bazillions of empty thoughts to say the least. A lot of what ifs and what nots... a lot of times I don't know what to do other than get overwhelmed and take a nap.
I would love to end up in a state that has legal same sex marriage (VA isn't going to get there anytime soon) start a new life... tell lil man to get over it, but it's not about what he wants, it's about what his mom wants, lol. He doesn't like me right now because I'm seen as the disciplinarian whose always on his case which translates into the wicked stepmother... hopefully he outgrows it, we used to have fun.
My first choice job is still up in there air because they supposedly want me but don't have an opening yet... Hell, after this interview maybe that will be my first choice job. It's for a Supply Chain Planner position, so rather than working in a warehouse, I'd work in an office and deal with procurement from China, getting freight from their facility in Mexico... and tracking it, arranging everything from those points to the customer (retail stores)...
I dunno... lots going on here... but hey it will all play itself out in the way it's supposed to. My head still hurts and this computer screen isn't helping matters. I just want to be happy in the long run, but what if I really have no concept of what that happiness is.... what if what if what if...
Ugh. Gotta do something about that. But it's harder than normal. I have no job to go to and keep me occupied or to give me purpose. I'm at home the majority of the time, not really stir crazy, but just here. Eh...
I had a big interview last week but don't think I got the position. I got one of those generic you aren't being considered for the position emails from HR, but I don't know if it was for that position or another one with the same company but a different location...
This week brings another big interview. This one will fly me to Pittsburgh, PA... land me in a rental to where I'll drive an hour or so to the hotel where I'll stay until my interview on Thursday morning in the next town over... then fly back from PA into Norfolk Thursday evening and carry on with life.
I'm scared. It's funny...I have all these goals and dreams that involve relocation, but then I worry about shitting the bed. What if I fuck up and get fired... obviously with relocation comes a lot of financial issues and if the company that hires me pays those... well there will be some type of promissory note that says if I quit or get fired before x amount of time that I owe the company money.
Plus, if that happened then I'd be in a new place with no family and no job... Obviously you can see that my mind is wandering and that I have way too much free time to think about these things.
Jen is rumored to be up for a promotion, which is phenomenal and I'm super proud of her... but with that would be a relocation for her... so what happens if I get a job in one state and she gets one in another. I am going to go where there is work for me and I don't expect her to not take a promotion... I mean hello... I am all about personal growth ESPECIALLY when it comes to careers...but at the same time I'm not willing to be a stay at home mom while Jen works in a new place...fuck that. I love her but I can't handle it. I've been doing that now and it's tough.
Lil man is going through whatever he is going through and actually told me the other day that he wouldn't care if I left and that he actually wants me to leave. Then he turns around later on and tells me he loves me and wants to know when we are going to do something as a family. WTF?????? I don't know what's going on with this kid... I love him but I think he's trying to put me over the edge and well it's working.
So needless to say there's a lot going on in Tommy world... tons on my mind bazillions of empty thoughts to say the least. A lot of what ifs and what nots... a lot of times I don't know what to do other than get overwhelmed and take a nap.
I would love to end up in a state that has legal same sex marriage (VA isn't going to get there anytime soon) start a new life... tell lil man to get over it, but it's not about what he wants, it's about what his mom wants, lol. He doesn't like me right now because I'm seen as the disciplinarian whose always on his case which translates into the wicked stepmother... hopefully he outgrows it, we used to have fun.
My first choice job is still up in there air because they supposedly want me but don't have an opening yet... Hell, after this interview maybe that will be my first choice job. It's for a Supply Chain Planner position, so rather than working in a warehouse, I'd work in an office and deal with procurement from China, getting freight from their facility in Mexico... and tracking it, arranging everything from those points to the customer (retail stores)...
I dunno... lots going on here... but hey it will all play itself out in the way it's supposed to. My head still hurts and this computer screen isn't helping matters. I just want to be happy in the long run, but what if I really have no concept of what that happiness is.... what if what if what if...
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Current day demon possession
Maybe it’s something to do with him being 8 and a boy. Maybe he is possessed, but I have witnessed a change sweep over lil man and it’s not for the positive. He’s always been a momma’s boy and I’ve always felt like a 3rd wheel a large portion of the time. But this is absurd.
Lil man constantly back talks me and it’s like he does stuff just to piss me off. It used to be that when he was with my mom or aunt (they’d watch him after school while his mom and I worked) that he’d act a certain way (like an angel) and then when Jen and I would get home, he’d start showing his ass…get really whiny and basically do anything to get attention. You would think that no one spent time with him the way he would switch gears…
Well now hes just out of control with everyone. He back talks, thinks he has to have the last word in every situation. I’m now the one who gets him ready for school and off the bus during the week with the exception of a day or two. Well it was a situation for a while that he would do nothing but give me a hard time…like a crazy hard time.
It’s driving me crazy. We’ve switched to no tv during the week (he already had no videogames during the week)…hasn’t phased him…we take things from him to try and make him act like he’s supposed to, told him that we can reward his good behavior with something that’s fun (but inexpensive)… he gets excited but then the next day it’s the same thing.
Maybe its just me. Perhaps even though I’ve been around for over three years, maybe I’m just screwing up his “master plan.” Maybe I’m just bothered by the wrong stuff. Maybe I’m just “just” and we’ll insert whatever is appropriate into those quotes…
Last week he talked back to my mom and I’m surprised she didn’t lay his ass out right then… I wouldn’t have got away with that when I was a kid. I dunno, I don’t want to beat him by any means, but I’ve got to figure something out, I can only handle so much more before I really snap and say fuck it and raise money to send him to military school.
I’m sure Jen disagrees with me on the seriousness or something in general because we don’t always see eye to eye in these matters. I don’t know, I feel helpless. He came home today and has a science test tomorrow, no science notes in his possession…. I’ve been trying to get him to bring everything home FOREVER…so today, knowing that Jen was coming home early I just threw my hands up and said “fuck it” (the fuck it was in my head and not aloud, lol) but still I’m sooooo over it. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to fix it and I can’t continue to live like this forever.
This weekend I’m going to go help my sister with my niece because of babysitting issues. I’m going to take him with me and see if it’s just a change of scenery…. He didn’t used to act like this in the apartment… sure he had a few issues in school, but nothing at home. Now it’s no issues in school and shit at home. I don’t know whats changed other than where we live and the number of people in the house.
At the end of the day I’m baffled… lost, drained, I don’t know how to do this or what to do. It’s ridiculous. Somedays just the sound of his voice upsets me… the constant whiny sound… It can’t be like this forever. I’ve adjusted my meds, in case all of it was in my head but it’s not going away and it’s just getting worse.
UGH! I need to be rescued. We need an exorcism, ASAP.
Lil man constantly back talks me and it’s like he does stuff just to piss me off. It used to be that when he was with my mom or aunt (they’d watch him after school while his mom and I worked) that he’d act a certain way (like an angel) and then when Jen and I would get home, he’d start showing his ass…get really whiny and basically do anything to get attention. You would think that no one spent time with him the way he would switch gears…
Well now hes just out of control with everyone. He back talks, thinks he has to have the last word in every situation. I’m now the one who gets him ready for school and off the bus during the week with the exception of a day or two. Well it was a situation for a while that he would do nothing but give me a hard time…like a crazy hard time.
It’s driving me crazy. We’ve switched to no tv during the week (he already had no videogames during the week)…hasn’t phased him…we take things from him to try and make him act like he’s supposed to, told him that we can reward his good behavior with something that’s fun (but inexpensive)… he gets excited but then the next day it’s the same thing.
Maybe its just me. Perhaps even though I’ve been around for over three years, maybe I’m just screwing up his “master plan.” Maybe I’m just bothered by the wrong stuff. Maybe I’m just “just” and we’ll insert whatever is appropriate into those quotes…
Last week he talked back to my mom and I’m surprised she didn’t lay his ass out right then… I wouldn’t have got away with that when I was a kid. I dunno, I don’t want to beat him by any means, but I’ve got to figure something out, I can only handle so much more before I really snap and say fuck it and raise money to send him to military school.
I’m sure Jen disagrees with me on the seriousness or something in general because we don’t always see eye to eye in these matters. I don’t know, I feel helpless. He came home today and has a science test tomorrow, no science notes in his possession…. I’ve been trying to get him to bring everything home FOREVER…so today, knowing that Jen was coming home early I just threw my hands up and said “fuck it” (the fuck it was in my head and not aloud, lol) but still I’m sooooo over it. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to fix it and I can’t continue to live like this forever.
This weekend I’m going to go help my sister with my niece because of babysitting issues. I’m going to take him with me and see if it’s just a change of scenery…. He didn’t used to act like this in the apartment… sure he had a few issues in school, but nothing at home. Now it’s no issues in school and shit at home. I don’t know whats changed other than where we live and the number of people in the house.
At the end of the day I’m baffled… lost, drained, I don’t know how to do this or what to do. It’s ridiculous. Somedays just the sound of his voice upsets me… the constant whiny sound… It can’t be like this forever. I’ve adjusted my meds, in case all of it was in my head but it’s not going away and it’s just getting worse.
UGH! I need to be rescued. We need an exorcism, ASAP.
A view from the other side--UNEMPLOYMENT
I’ve been officially unemployed now since end of day December 30, 2011—almost an entire month. You would think I would have had plenty of time to blog, but that hasn’t been the case. Not because I’m super busy by any means but because I have been spending my time applying for jobs and actually seeking work.
I had such huge plans for my unemployment. I was going to get up in the morning, put the kid on the bus, go for a 2 mile walk with Pepper, come back, shower, dress, and start my day…. RIIIGGGGHHHHT!! That walk has yet to happen and the whole shower, dress, and start my day is in reality is trumped by me crawling back in the bed, snuggling up where it’s warm… Pepper tucked in the fold of my legs zonked out… we get up maybe around 11 or 12 and decide what to do, lmao.
I’m getting a paycheck from unemployment and since I became credit card debt free a few months ago, I don’t have that to worry about. I don’t have student loans to worry about because I got my unemployment deferment approved (with no interest accruing –awesome). So in short my only responsibilities right now are car insurance, my car payment, and money to help out with the bills here. So who would be stressed under these conditions? Me. I’m not stressing money, I saved plenty while I was working ninety hours a week, so that’s not the issue. The issue is finding the motivation when you have nothing that you HAVE to do.
I no longer have a sense of purpose. I no longer have somewhere to be by seven o’clock every morning. So let’s just say I’m doing my best to work through that. My first week of being unemployed, I submitted 153 applications online to various companies for positions all around the country. I’ve since then had several phone screenings and am now just waiting. I have slowed myself down with the applications to prevent exhausting my resources. I report my “2” attempts at finding employment to the VEC (Virginia Employment Commission), write down my confirmation number for my weekly filing, and wait. On Friday after 5 up until Monday at 6 am I am required to report to the temp agency that I last worked for (for the tail end of employment pre-layoff) and say that I am available, so that should something that matches my skills and profile become available, I can start work. Pfft. I have had nothing but drama in dealing with this company.
On my last day of work, I called and spoke to the recruiter that was in charge of the “account” for which I worked. I explained to her what I was looking for, salary requirements, and that I was quite open to relocation (I’m actually aiming for it). The recruiter assured me that if I sent her my most up to date resume that she would forward it to the other temp agency offices that were located in bigger areas and were growing rapidly, since they might have more opportunities available. THE EMAIL NEVER WENT THROUGH… after a week of the email message being denied and my email being notified of this, I called the office. Said recruiter no longer worked there. She left for Atlanta, GA THAT VERY SAME DAY!!!! Why tell me that you would do something when you knew that once you clocked out, none of it would even fucking matter. In addition to that the other lady in the office has nothing but an attitude and it seems that her goal is to fuck me and anyone else out of their unemployment benefits, when in fact my unemployment is based on where I was laid off from, not them because it was the last place I worked. It’s not like she’s writing me a personal check to keep me afloat while I look for work. My previous coworker and I both have had issues with her.
But I digress. It’s just irritating. I did get some great news the other day though. After I didn’t get the “sure thing” job that I thought for sure I was getting I was DEVASTATED. I had been told that once you make it to the level of interviewing with the VP of Distribution, it was just a formality… but then I didn’t get the job??? I was being told that there was nothing but positive feedback so me not getting the job just didn’t make since to me or the headhunter that was doing such a great job lining things up.
But I did my best accepting it, EVEN though it was the one company that I felt was EVERYTHING I was looking for AND THEN SOME. Well on Monday I reapplied for the job on the headhunting website because it was still showing (which made no sense to me)… I received an email about 6 minutes later from the Director of said headhunting/recruiting firm. She told me that the recruiter I had worked with was no longer employed there (not sure of details), but she had an update about the company that I had spent so much time interviewing with. She said that she had contacted the head recruiter for the company and asked why if the final interview was just a formality and they were receiving nothing but positive feedback, well WHAT HAPPENED? His response is that it came down to an end of year issue…they wanted both me and the other guy (the one they picked) but only had room for one before year end. I’m not out of the running and if I can wait maybe 2 to 3 weeks, then he may have a position for me and I won’t have to reinterview… So sure, it’s more of a waiting game but trust me it is AWESOME nonetheless. To know that not all hope is lost on a company who I would love to work for and whose values and community involvement is tremendous… FREAKING FABULOUS.
For now, My goal is to get into a new routine. One that doesn’t involve so much sleep (which causes me to not sleep at night)… I dunno, I want to feel like I have a purpose and I need to take this time to take better care of myself. I’m going to do it and I’m going to get the job of my dreams.
I had such huge plans for my unemployment. I was going to get up in the morning, put the kid on the bus, go for a 2 mile walk with Pepper, come back, shower, dress, and start my day…. RIIIGGGGHHHHT!! That walk has yet to happen and the whole shower, dress, and start my day is in reality is trumped by me crawling back in the bed, snuggling up where it’s warm… Pepper tucked in the fold of my legs zonked out… we get up maybe around 11 or 12 and decide what to do, lmao.
I’m getting a paycheck from unemployment and since I became credit card debt free a few months ago, I don’t have that to worry about. I don’t have student loans to worry about because I got my unemployment deferment approved (with no interest accruing –awesome). So in short my only responsibilities right now are car insurance, my car payment, and money to help out with the bills here. So who would be stressed under these conditions? Me. I’m not stressing money, I saved plenty while I was working ninety hours a week, so that’s not the issue. The issue is finding the motivation when you have nothing that you HAVE to do.
I no longer have a sense of purpose. I no longer have somewhere to be by seven o’clock every morning. So let’s just say I’m doing my best to work through that. My first week of being unemployed, I submitted 153 applications online to various companies for positions all around the country. I’ve since then had several phone screenings and am now just waiting. I have slowed myself down with the applications to prevent exhausting my resources. I report my “2” attempts at finding employment to the VEC (Virginia Employment Commission), write down my confirmation number for my weekly filing, and wait. On Friday after 5 up until Monday at 6 am I am required to report to the temp agency that I last worked for (for the tail end of employment pre-layoff) and say that I am available, so that should something that matches my skills and profile become available, I can start work. Pfft. I have had nothing but drama in dealing with this company.
On my last day of work, I called and spoke to the recruiter that was in charge of the “account” for which I worked. I explained to her what I was looking for, salary requirements, and that I was quite open to relocation (I’m actually aiming for it). The recruiter assured me that if I sent her my most up to date resume that she would forward it to the other temp agency offices that were located in bigger areas and were growing rapidly, since they might have more opportunities available. THE EMAIL NEVER WENT THROUGH… after a week of the email message being denied and my email being notified of this, I called the office. Said recruiter no longer worked there. She left for Atlanta, GA THAT VERY SAME DAY!!!! Why tell me that you would do something when you knew that once you clocked out, none of it would even fucking matter. In addition to that the other lady in the office has nothing but an attitude and it seems that her goal is to fuck me and anyone else out of their unemployment benefits, when in fact my unemployment is based on where I was laid off from, not them because it was the last place I worked. It’s not like she’s writing me a personal check to keep me afloat while I look for work. My previous coworker and I both have had issues with her.
But I digress. It’s just irritating. I did get some great news the other day though. After I didn’t get the “sure thing” job that I thought for sure I was getting I was DEVASTATED. I had been told that once you make it to the level of interviewing with the VP of Distribution, it was just a formality… but then I didn’t get the job??? I was being told that there was nothing but positive feedback so me not getting the job just didn’t make since to me or the headhunter that was doing such a great job lining things up.
But I did my best accepting it, EVEN though it was the one company that I felt was EVERYTHING I was looking for AND THEN SOME. Well on Monday I reapplied for the job on the headhunting website because it was still showing (which made no sense to me)… I received an email about 6 minutes later from the Director of said headhunting/recruiting firm. She told me that the recruiter I had worked with was no longer employed there (not sure of details), but she had an update about the company that I had spent so much time interviewing with. She said that she had contacted the head recruiter for the company and asked why if the final interview was just a formality and they were receiving nothing but positive feedback, well WHAT HAPPENED? His response is that it came down to an end of year issue…they wanted both me and the other guy (the one they picked) but only had room for one before year end. I’m not out of the running and if I can wait maybe 2 to 3 weeks, then he may have a position for me and I won’t have to reinterview… So sure, it’s more of a waiting game but trust me it is AWESOME nonetheless. To know that not all hope is lost on a company who I would love to work for and whose values and community involvement is tremendous… FREAKING FABULOUS.
For now, My goal is to get into a new routine. One that doesn’t involve so much sleep (which causes me to not sleep at night)… I dunno, I want to feel like I have a purpose and I need to take this time to take better care of myself. I’m going to do it and I’m going to get the job of my dreams.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
On the work front
Continuing on with the trend I've been setting--things have been quiet for me in blog world (obviously), this does not hold true in my real life. A lot has been happening with my mental health (see other blog)... but more importantly a lot has been happening at work which has been contributing to said mental health.
The 90 hour work weeks have drawn to a close. The warehouse is beginning to empty out. I'm beginning to do transfer orders (where we ship things to other suppliers to make a profit rather than just throw the shit away)...we are recycling a great deal of cardboard. The racks where all of my inventory was held were broken down yesterday so now there a great deal of space where if I had insurance and trusted my skills I'd roller skate through the place, lol.
December 31 or doom's day is nearing quickly, though looking at what remains to be done I still think we will be out much sooner. I had interviewed a while ago with Target Distribution for an opportunity to relocate to Tyler, TX had I got the job. I made it through the entire interview process, but alas, was not the right fit. (It was not meant to be) though it would have been a kick ass gig. I like the concept of Target because of take on Diversity, they are well known for being accepting of peoples thoughts, beliefs, backgrounds, lifestyles, etc... I thought it would have been cool, but it was good interview experience and it says a great deal that I even made it as far as I did, because it's not easy to get in there. That makes me feel good.
Now I'm awaiting an interview on December 5th with another Distribution center that will mean a relocation but this time, only 4 hours from home, and will keep me in VA. It will be in the Shenandoah Valley, 30 minutes outside of West VA, and hour and half from Washington DC... 3 hours up I 81 from my sister who lives around VA Tech... and still just 6 1/2 hours from Hatteras my favorite place on earth (thus far), lol. It is still considered country, but is central to "civilization" and is a distribution center for a large retail store. This particular company has 11, soon to be 12 distribution Centers in the US which means opportunity for growth and advancement...and I see great things should I do well with this interview. I drive up on Sunday, stay in a hotel, interview Monday, drive my 4 hours back Monday afternoon and come back to work on Tuesday.
I'm very nervous. I have a lot riding on this. But should it go well, Jen is completely on board and willing to roll with the punches and see where this takes us. It would mean benefits for me again, more money, and more opportunity. It is a large company and a chance for longevity. Something I want.
Nonetheless things are not easy hear at work, Christmas is right around the corner and its hard to stay chipper when you are worried about your job situation you know... but it will all work out I'm sure. I got this. Hey at least if I'm not working I'll have time to blog, HAHAHA.... though I won't know what i'll blog about, hahah.
Side note, lil man and I started building a lego city last night because he has this huge play table in his room and he has all my old legos in his room that my mom saved so we have the city laid out and we are going to work on it little by little all week, I know i'm a nerd, but I'm kind of stoked about it, don't judge me.
The 90 hour work weeks have drawn to a close. The warehouse is beginning to empty out. I'm beginning to do transfer orders (where we ship things to other suppliers to make a profit rather than just throw the shit away)...we are recycling a great deal of cardboard. The racks where all of my inventory was held were broken down yesterday so now there a great deal of space where if I had insurance and trusted my skills I'd roller skate through the place, lol.
December 31 or doom's day is nearing quickly, though looking at what remains to be done I still think we will be out much sooner. I had interviewed a while ago with Target Distribution for an opportunity to relocate to Tyler, TX had I got the job. I made it through the entire interview process, but alas, was not the right fit. (It was not meant to be) though it would have been a kick ass gig. I like the concept of Target because of take on Diversity, they are well known for being accepting of peoples thoughts, beliefs, backgrounds, lifestyles, etc... I thought it would have been cool, but it was good interview experience and it says a great deal that I even made it as far as I did, because it's not easy to get in there. That makes me feel good.
Now I'm awaiting an interview on December 5th with another Distribution center that will mean a relocation but this time, only 4 hours from home, and will keep me in VA. It will be in the Shenandoah Valley, 30 minutes outside of West VA, and hour and half from Washington DC... 3 hours up I 81 from my sister who lives around VA Tech... and still just 6 1/2 hours from Hatteras my favorite place on earth (thus far), lol. It is still considered country, but is central to "civilization" and is a distribution center for a large retail store. This particular company has 11, soon to be 12 distribution Centers in the US which means opportunity for growth and advancement...and I see great things should I do well with this interview. I drive up on Sunday, stay in a hotel, interview Monday, drive my 4 hours back Monday afternoon and come back to work on Tuesday.
I'm very nervous. I have a lot riding on this. But should it go well, Jen is completely on board and willing to roll with the punches and see where this takes us. It would mean benefits for me again, more money, and more opportunity. It is a large company and a chance for longevity. Something I want.
Nonetheless things are not easy hear at work, Christmas is right around the corner and its hard to stay chipper when you are worried about your job situation you know... but it will all work out I'm sure. I got this. Hey at least if I'm not working I'll have time to blog, HAHAHA.... though I won't know what i'll blog about, hahah.
Side note, lil man and I started building a lego city last night because he has this huge play table in his room and he has all my old legos in his room that my mom saved so we have the city laid out and we are going to work on it little by little all week, I know i'm a nerd, but I'm kind of stoked about it, don't judge me.
Jen's new makeover
It was around three years ago this time that I transformed Jen into a new her. She wanted something different and I gave it to her. She had hair down her back and I gave her a bob. (I'm sure that there is a blog somewhere here that shows this change....)
Well three years into our relationship she we've done it again...she wanted a change and well we did it again:
Well three years into our relationship she we've done it again...she wanted a change and well we did it again:
So the before and after is pretty obvious :) and awesome if you ask me. She's as beautiful as ever.
The bottom two are of us looking smokin' hot together, lol. FUN.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Breaking the silence
Queen of Ruckus of Rainbow Over Central Avenue pointed out to me that it's been around two months of utter silence from me on the blog front. There's a few reasons for that. I moved out of civilization and into the country which I had mentioned I would be doing...and with that comes no constant internet connection...only dial up and my parents Verizon Air card which is not unlimited and my dad needs for school... so I can't be blowing it up to do my little "rants" that I am so famous for here on blogger... I have to come into town once a week with Jen and now lil man since his return from his various summer visitation obligations to use the free wifi in town at the Dairy Queen... that sounds so quaint and old timey... almost like I hitch up the horse to the buggy and take all day getting to the DQ, but really if that was the case, not like internet would be an issue, lol.
Secondly, I am still working and I just finished up the fall flower bulb season working 14 to 18 hours a day for 5 ho 6 days a week, when not doing that, I have to still do stuff for grandma like her hair or other small things she needs done weekly (and well my cat still lives there so I need to go change the litter box regardless and give Chino kitty some love)... plus go to the laundromat and do the ungodly amount of laundry that Jen and I manage to dirty in one weeks time and hope to have one day to recoop (which still is used to clean the bedrooms, bathrooms, etc and do chores around the house to help mom out and "carry our weight" and not free load, even though we do help out financially as well)
Jen is working over 55 hours a week and hates her job, lil man has started school and loves it, loves the bus, loves his teacher, loves the country (minus the bugs and bug bites), loves that my mom and aunt help get him on and off the bus, loves his bedroom, etc... So he's happy, while Jen and I put on a smile and pretend to be happy all the time but really are miserable in our work situations... I'm about to be out of a job.
The company officially closes on Sept 30, but will run through mid November or December sometime, Depends on when we ship the last of the holiday bulbs out (which we have already started producing stuff for now...) I spend my online time applying for new jobs and not blogging... and when i have a second at work to be online its normally spent on facebook to bitch about my boss or say something fucked up and morbid to freak people out because I really am on the verge of snapping somedays... my boss is putting me over the edge...further than I've been pushed before.
I had strongly considered taking the loss and filing for unemployment on 10/1/11 and trying to live off of the 400 bucks a week which is the maximum I could get and just trying to make it work... I have no insurance after 9/30... but if I attempt that I may very well just be out of work and denied unemployment because I can in theory continue doing my same job, but go to work through a temp agency and make the "money" until the business physically shuts it's doors (there are two different end days, the 30th when the name and everything associated with it is no more and then when the doors physically close).. I'd be an idiot to stop working on the 30th, but my concern at this point is my mental health.
Even after being successfully medicated for like 7 or so months now and stable, my boss is purposely pushing my buttons and trying to make me crack. I wait until i get home to really have my moments but it's really eating at me. I'm scared to death that i'll end up in the "looney bin" and I think i blogged once before a long time ago about voluntarily committing myself a couple months after my the death of my grandfather (my first grandfather to pass away... I was maybe like 20 or 21 i can't remember now... I didn't stay long and I don't see myself trying to go back, but still it is a fear in the back of my mind...
So to say the least there is a lot going on...
I have thought about blogging without the internet, more as jounaling and then saving them to my flash drive and then just uploading them at work in the early mornings when I have time... and maybe I'll start doing that... because to be honest I've been thinking about blogging for a while... fiending is a better word.
So much has happened, I wouldn't even know where to begin to fill in the gaps.
The hurricane... my parents beach house... stuff for my bipolar blog.... my sisters weight loss and how its affected her... just stuff in general.
I'll be back eventually...maybe sooner than later... I won't be quiet for long, Believe that. Thanks for checking on me.
Secondly, I am still working and I just finished up the fall flower bulb season working 14 to 18 hours a day for 5 ho 6 days a week, when not doing that, I have to still do stuff for grandma like her hair or other small things she needs done weekly (and well my cat still lives there so I need to go change the litter box regardless and give Chino kitty some love)... plus go to the laundromat and do the ungodly amount of laundry that Jen and I manage to dirty in one weeks time and hope to have one day to recoop (which still is used to clean the bedrooms, bathrooms, etc and do chores around the house to help mom out and "carry our weight" and not free load, even though we do help out financially as well)
Jen is working over 55 hours a week and hates her job, lil man has started school and loves it, loves the bus, loves his teacher, loves the country (minus the bugs and bug bites), loves that my mom and aunt help get him on and off the bus, loves his bedroom, etc... So he's happy, while Jen and I put on a smile and pretend to be happy all the time but really are miserable in our work situations... I'm about to be out of a job.
The company officially closes on Sept 30, but will run through mid November or December sometime, Depends on when we ship the last of the holiday bulbs out (which we have already started producing stuff for now...) I spend my online time applying for new jobs and not blogging... and when i have a second at work to be online its normally spent on facebook to bitch about my boss or say something fucked up and morbid to freak people out because I really am on the verge of snapping somedays... my boss is putting me over the edge...further than I've been pushed before.
I had strongly considered taking the loss and filing for unemployment on 10/1/11 and trying to live off of the 400 bucks a week which is the maximum I could get and just trying to make it work... I have no insurance after 9/30... but if I attempt that I may very well just be out of work and denied unemployment because I can in theory continue doing my same job, but go to work through a temp agency and make the "money" until the business physically shuts it's doors (there are two different end days, the 30th when the name and everything associated with it is no more and then when the doors physically close).. I'd be an idiot to stop working on the 30th, but my concern at this point is my mental health.
Even after being successfully medicated for like 7 or so months now and stable, my boss is purposely pushing my buttons and trying to make me crack. I wait until i get home to really have my moments but it's really eating at me. I'm scared to death that i'll end up in the "looney bin" and I think i blogged once before a long time ago about voluntarily committing myself a couple months after my the death of my grandfather (my first grandfather to pass away... I was maybe like 20 or 21 i can't remember now... I didn't stay long and I don't see myself trying to go back, but still it is a fear in the back of my mind...
So to say the least there is a lot going on...
I have thought about blogging without the internet, more as jounaling and then saving them to my flash drive and then just uploading them at work in the early mornings when I have time... and maybe I'll start doing that... because to be honest I've been thinking about blogging for a while... fiending is a better word.
So much has happened, I wouldn't even know where to begin to fill in the gaps.
The hurricane... my parents beach house... stuff for my bipolar blog.... my sisters weight loss and how its affected her... just stuff in general.
I'll be back eventually...maybe sooner than later... I won't be quiet for long, Believe that. Thanks for checking on me.
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