I feel like I need to throw up...I mean I have already tonight because of this headache I can't shake... I feel gross all the time, I eat things that I don't necessarily want and that don't even taste good... nothing tastes good really... I went through a chocolate phase, then a gummi bear phase, then a hot tamale phase, then a starburst jelly bean phase, and now well now I just eat whatever the fuck I see most of the time.
Ugh. Gotta do something about that. But it's harder than normal. I have no job to go to and keep me occupied or to give me purpose. I'm at home the majority of the time, not really stir crazy, but just here. Eh...
I had a big interview last week but don't think I got the position. I got one of those generic you aren't being considered for the position emails from HR, but I don't know if it was for that position or another one with the same company but a different location...
This week brings another big interview. This one will fly me to Pittsburgh, PA... land me in a rental to where I'll drive an hour or so to the hotel where I'll stay until my interview on Thursday morning in the next town over... then fly back from PA into Norfolk Thursday evening and carry on with life.
I'm scared. It's funny...I have all these goals and dreams that involve relocation, but then I worry about shitting the bed. What if I fuck up and get fired... obviously with relocation comes a lot of financial issues and if the company that hires me pays those... well there will be some type of promissory note that says if I quit or get fired before x amount of time that I owe the company money.
Plus, if that happened then I'd be in a new place with no family and no job... Obviously you can see that my mind is wandering and that I have way too much free time to think about these things.
Jen is rumored to be up for a promotion, which is phenomenal and I'm super proud of her... but with that would be a relocation for her... so what happens if I get a job in one state and she gets one in another. I am going to go where there is work for me and I don't expect her to not take a promotion... I mean hello... I am all about personal growth ESPECIALLY when it comes to careers...but at the same time I'm not willing to be a stay at home mom while Jen works in a new place...fuck that. I love her but I can't handle it. I've been doing that now and it's tough.
Lil man is going through whatever he is going through and actually told me the other day that he wouldn't care if I left and that he actually wants me to leave. Then he turns around later on and tells me he loves me and wants to know when we are going to do something as a family. WTF?????? I don't know what's going on with this kid... I love him but I think he's trying to put me over the edge and well it's working.
So needless to say there's a lot going on in Tommy world... tons on my mind bazillions of empty thoughts to say the least. A lot of what ifs and what nots... a lot of times I don't know what to do other than get overwhelmed and take a nap.
I would love to end up in a state that has legal same sex marriage (VA isn't going to get there anytime soon) start a new life... tell lil man to get over it, but it's not about what he wants, it's about what his mom wants, lol. He doesn't like me right now because I'm seen as the disciplinarian whose always on his case which translates into the wicked stepmother... hopefully he outgrows it, we used to have fun.
My first choice job is still up in there air because they supposedly want me but don't have an opening yet... Hell, after this interview maybe that will be my first choice job. It's for a Supply Chain Planner position, so rather than working in a warehouse, I'd work in an office and deal with procurement from China, getting freight from their facility in Mexico... and tracking it, arranging everything from those points to the customer (retail stores)...
I dunno... lots going on here... but hey it will all play itself out in the way it's supposed to. My head still hurts and this computer screen isn't helping matters. I just want to be happy in the long run, but what if I really have no concept of what that happiness is.... what if what if what if...
2 comments:
Randomly came across your blog. I can relate to the "what if" phase. As a matter of fact, I can relate to most of what you wrote in this post. Not sure if you want/ are open to advice, but for me it helps to just write down what makes me happy. Because a lot of things we do in life are "have-to-be-done" things. We go after jobs that make sense to the world. We get angry at ourselves because we are not living up to standards that others have set. It is refreshing to just sort out in your mind what you are passionate about, what you love. And make your goals be around that. Kind of corny advice (find your passion etc), but it helps me when I start to question everything. You are strong for trying to sort it out--shows you are a fighter. Hope today brings something wonderful in your life :-)
No I'm rather open to advice and it wasn't corny at all...I get it and I'm actually trying that approach as of late, lol... I appreciate your thoughts though...they are welcome at any time...Thank you
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