Who am I?

I've been really out of character the past few days.  I've been a total girl and it's ridiculous.  Jen reminded me that the last time she checked, I had a vagina and therefore the "being a girl" thing was a given... I of course reminded her I didn't want to deal vagina unless I was licking it or something similar... which she may have found amusing, but I'm not sure...

I'm whiny and needy and overall irrational at times.

I was recently called out on always playing the "gay card" and how there's a time and a place to be gay and that perhaps I should tone it down ... "there's a time and a place for that..." My feelings were hurt to say the least.. it didn't help that I was in "girl mode" and pmsing, overly sensitive and what not...

The next day a situation came up and made it apparent that I was indeed "too gay."  I was all to pieces.  While I can't divulge details, because it isn't my place...I had convinced myself that Jen and I wouldn't be moving in together because what if it jeopardized her custody situation or something, I had a huge cry fest and really tried to dig down and figure out who I am.  I called Jen and talked to her and she assured me that everything was going to be fine... and that my being "super" gay balanced us out since she can't be very openly gay...

Regardless of minor details and probably not making much sense here, I've already gotten rid of my inappropriate Vagyna license plate, as well as cleaned out my entire wardrobe of lesbian humor shirts because lil man is reading pretty well these days and I'm not trying to have something I wear initiate an awkward conversation with a 6 1/2 year old.

But aside from me being seemingly "too gay"... the one place I thought I'd find solace in was a complete let down.  Hampton Roads Pride seemed like an amplified high school scene.  Every clique split up in their own little groups... barely anyone just openly talking to someone else... the best part was this band called Ffelt... but anyway... at least I got to see that there were other gays in va besides me and Jen.

After spending as much time crying as I have the past few days I'm kind of having a "ah hah" moment.  It's hard for me to believe that I'm as in love as I am.  I have a woman by my side who completes me for a lack of better words.  Our polar opposites compliment each other well and I long to be near her when I'm not.

I was talking to my mom and I admitted that for the first time in my entire life, I don't have the "power" in the relationship.  In past relationships, things were always my way or the highway... with Jen it's not a matter of who is in charge or who holds whose heart by the strings but a mutual understanding and acceptance of the other.... It's hard to explain, overwhelming at times.

I'm so excited to begin this next chapter of my life with Jen.  To know that we won't have to plan on who's going to be at whose house on which night, but know that we are coming home to each other... I have never looked forward to something so much in my entire life.  I feel like for once in my life the control freak in me is surrendering to the unknown and it's okay.  (I can't say I'm doing this in every area of my life, but in my relationship and moving in with Jen, absolutely.)

I've never experienced love like this.  A mature, grown up emotion that is often times unexplainable.  I love everything about her... her smile, her touch, the way she snores softly (normally not like a lumberjack) EVERYTHING.  Jen asked me a while ago if I was truly ever really going to be able to handle "this"...this being her and a kid who is a typical boy... and I had to step back and ask are you serious?  I failed to realize that she couldn't read my mind.  How would she know that I've never been in a relationship where I didn't break up/make up with my partner repetitively or having a wandering eye curious as to if there was something better... if I never remind her of that.  How would she know that that for the first time in my life, the anti-marriage me has actually imagined it... with her and only her.  I still believe that I don't need a piece of paper to prove my commitment to my partner, but I also have never been in a relationship like this one.  It's a good thing for sure.  it's new and it's fabulous. 

Sure, I'm rambling and probably not making a lot of sense, but the moral of the story is that when it all boils down to it, I know nothing is guaranteed in life, but for once I'm okay with the unknowns... because the person navigating my journey is worth that risk.