Communication 101

I can't win right now. I'm lost and confused and just hung up from talking to Jen and feel no better.  It's not her fault...I'm just having a moment.  I'm beating myself up as usual and having a moment for lack of better words and I don't feel like I can talk to her because she has nine hundred other things going on or on her plate.  When I tried to explain to her that I was finding it difficult to vent to her or talk to her about things because she had so much going on, her response was, "um, okay, well I'll talk to you tomorrow." Which made me feel even worse because she wasn't understanding me, but then again, it's not like I did anything to fix it.

Where I'm dealing with dieting woes, family nonsense, and just being overwhelmed in general and feeling trapped internally...she's got her own shit going on.  I just feel like whenever I do finally get to the point of opening up and talking to her, it's overshadowed by what she's dealing with.  I've just got to the point where I just don't talk about the shit anymore. I feel like it's pointless...which I'm sure seems awful to say out loud.

I'm sitting upstairs feeling gross in general and crying.  I hate that I can't communicate clearly with my girlfriend and how I feel like we are very rarely on the same page anymore.  She made arrangements for lil man to go to the sitter's today since it was my day off and I'm not going to lie, it was nice to take a three hour nap and not have to do anything... she's also made arrangements for him to start going to someone else's house on Saturday's while she works... since I'm in peak season, I have to work Saturdays now. Jen says she's fine with it, but why do I feel guilty for not being readily available more... why do I feel guilty for wanting time to myself.  I mean I her and I love lil man, but sometimes I just want to close off from the world and that's hard to do when you are doing things that someone else wants to do in hopes of keeping them amused.

I'm lost and alone.  I'm surrounded by people and can't shake this aloneness...it makes no damn sense.  Why can't I talk to my girlfriend.  Why do I feel like every time I turn around I'm letting her down on some level.  why do I have a hard time crying to her if need be, still?  Why do I feel like this giant fuck up who can't do anything right in her eyes.

Why does it feel like I have a gaping hole in my chest and that my soul is on hiatus.  I feel disconnected from those around me, including Jen.  We never see each other and when we do it's either her dropping off lil man or crawling into bed hours after I've already been asleep, or me leaving before she gets up, etc... Then come Sundays...I normal day to spend time together... I feel guilty because sometimes I don't want to do shit but sleep.... but you can't expect a 5 year old to want to sleep all day... I feel like such a fucking awful person.  It's not cool to have these thoughts and feelings. 

I've got to be just an awful person and I'm a shitty girlfriend too...I keep seeing shit recurring and alot of the same issues complained about in previous relationships...since I'm the only one in common with all of them, I am apparently an issue.

I need to go to bed...Ive got to be at work at 6 am... sucks ass. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe tomorrow, I'll actually be able to communicate in some form other than a blog.  I could throw up right now... I need to get out of this slump.  I'm fighting depression... common for me for this time of year... overtired, overworked, overstressed, over everything.