Bat shit crazy

It's all in my head, I'm sure if I brought it up the response would be, "I don't play games." Okay so I'm sure no point is being made...it's all in my head.

I got a lot done today, when I decided to get out of bed that is.  It was about one this afternoon...showered, didn't do my hair, didn't see the point...got dressed, went into Franklin and found a place that still does one hour development for grandma's photos...success.  She was happy.  Killed the hour at Walmart, doing the bread and milk thing...

Came home, put groceries away, grabbed the dog and spent a an hour or so cleaning my car inside and out...it hasn't looked that good since I drove it off the lot.  Progress.

I started rearranging furniture--that's what I do when I have shit on my mind.  Mandi called.  She needed the playstation back since she's moving on Wednesday. I told her to come and get it and she asked me to do her hair and eyebrows.  Fuckin' a, okay. I spent time with baby Charley and had a talk with my sister and told her how I felt like she was abandoning me and how I know she's not a complete fucking idiot but this move suggests otherwise. I vented and was completely honest.  She's going to be coming home for Christmas so that will be a good thing.  Her hair was colored, eyebrows waxed....she left.  I still haven't put away the clean clothes that have piled up over the past few days...fuck it who cares.

Pepper's ass is layed out on my fucking clean sheets...fucker.  The phone rang... a conversation that I wasn't in the mood for was had.  It can't always be about me though I'm afraid, so I answered.  The gist of the call was that things are robotic and boring, there's no spark... the other side of the conversation consisted of not caring or giving a shit and just fed up in general.  Each side unloaded on the other.  No progress was made.  The call hurriedly came to an end because of clothes needing to be folded an an early morning.... yeah right. 

I'm fucking seeing history repeat itself.  I'm a fucking bitch. I hit a wall...I get to the point where everything fucking pisses me off... I shut down, stop giving a shit, just get fed up. It makes no god damn sense.  none.  That always leads to the current girlfriend feeling attacked or in a situation where they just can't win and seeing that everything they do piss me off.  I feel smothered which is odd because I don't even really see her that often anymore... I'm just fucking fed up.  Things are not all honkey dorey like they were in the beginning. 

I lost it last night when I walked into the movie store I frequent and TWO DIFFERENT employees looked at me and said, oh, no kid tonight? I laughed it off saying, nah, I get a night off...WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT????

I'm numb.  I'm fighting off a bout of depression which isn't completely unusual for me this time of year...but it sucks nonetheless. It sucks because I push everyone away and just don't have the energy to fight and try and make my point or make things any different than they are.

Normal conversations feel like nagging to me. It doesn't fucking matter.  Nothing does.  I'm not in the mood to fight, nor do I have the energy to give a fuck.  I need a change of pace, a change of scenery... just a change.

I actually texted my ex last night when I realized that the one thing I'm bitching about the most in my current situation is something that I did to her... I asked her if I could interrupt her life for a second and ask her a random question.

Her: Okay? whats up
Me: How did you manage to eat healthy and lose weight when you lived here with grandma buying shit food and me eating said shit food in front of you
Her: I didn't always eat healthy
Me: but you did better than me. I joined weight watchers and am down almost 20 pounds, but Im having a bad week....was looking for suggestions
Her: I'm not the best person to ask, I've actually gained weight
Me: Well it was worth a try, thanks
Her: No problem

If tomorrow wasn't payroll day I'd call out.  I can't get to the point where I stop going to work just because I'm fucking bummed out...been there done that... it never ends well.  What disturbs me the most about the evenings events is how out of the whole conversation, the thing that stuck out in my head is it potentially fucking up the holidays...nothing else seemed important... if something isn't going to work out do you just go through the motions and pretend like every thing is fine just for the sake of the holidays? Or do you attempt to work through it and hope that shit is lined up and honestly legit come the holidays...

This is a difficult situation for me because I'm kind of a grinch...

I just don't get it.  Nothing makes sense right now.  Nothing.  I need to stop fucking around...I've got to be up in four and half hours and head into work...ten hour days again this week Yeehaw...