Slithering through the night

I get home after watching a movie Friday night...I beat Jen here by just a few minutes. I went outside to wait for her and let Pepper handle her biznaz....

Well we come inside and Pepper was messing around in the sunroom, I assumed that she was just playing with Chino and kept it moving. It was later when I heard Pepper bark and lots of commotion downstairs that I thought something was up. I called her and when she didn't come I got freaked out because that is SO unlike her.

I get downstairs and turn the light on only to see Pepper come past me with A SNAKE hanging out of her mouth. JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME.... I freak out over a spider looking at me and tonight I get the pleasure of A SNAKE IN THE HOUSE, WHAT THE FUCK? I'm all about being one with nature in the sense that it respects me as I respect it... in other words, when I come inside the house, it respects me and stays the hell outside. I mean hell, everyone needs to have boundaries.

Jen, who had been getting ready to hop in the shower has noticed that I've been MIA for a hot minute and hollers down the stairs, "Babe, everything okay?"

me: Um, no
Jen: What's wrong
Me: um, it's a snake, come look at this shit
Jen: SHUT THE FUCK UP

She comes down the stairs wrapped in a towel to find me standing in the doorway of the sunroom with a chef knife in each hand.

Jen: Whoa Rachel Ray, WTF?
Me: Dude look at this shit...I killed it

You see Pepper was still in the stages of playing with it, it was still very much alive and slithered toward me in a fashion in which I completely didn't appreciate in the slightest. I had grabbed the chef knives from the drawer as quick as I could and tried to be all ninja like and chop it's head off with one swift motion...yeah didn't happen like that...it instead was now bleeding and still slithering toward me all pissed off. FUCK MY LIFE.

I use the chef knife in my right hand to hold it still and the chef knife in my left hand to slice its head off. (weird that I'm doing more shit than normal left handed these days...I'm a righty) When Jen came down she saw it's head still moving and since I'm not real educated in the snake department I wasnt sure if it was just nerves or something so I tried to cut the head in half and hear this awful crunching noise (you know the one you hear when you step on a beetle...it was gross. I scooped it up in the dust pan and tossed it outside as if to say to all other snakes and outdoor creatures: WARNING: Death to all who trespass...stay your slithering freaking asses outside...

I go upstairs....Jen is in the shower by this point and I'm sitting on the toilet, I'll say peeing since I honestly don't remember and I'm talking to her:

Jen: blah blah blah snake
Me: blah blah blah i know right snake
Jen: Fuck, there's a spider in the shower
Me: what does it look like
Jen: it has long legs
Me: is it one of those "dust" spiders
JEn: it has long legs
Me: what color is it, black, brown
JEn: kind of light brownish...it has long legs
Me: Um, okay help me out, daddy long leg looking legs
Jen: I dunno it just has long legs... its going down the drain now

WTF? I have done something to upset Mother nature or the Nature police... First the snake and then the spider in the shower (which my paranoid ass totally assumes was contracted to scare/eat/kill me, but Jen opted to shower first and the spider became discombobilated)....I HATE THE MOTHER FUCKING COUNTRY... is there anywhere that doesn't have freaky bugs, spiders, reptiles or animals? I want to move there if so.

A minor detail I chose to neglect until the end, just for effect is the fact that the snake was probably the size of my pinky girth wise and like 14 inches tops... but still scary and still dead now.