the hardest part

The hardest part of dealing with the death of my grandfather has been discovered recently...the people.  Yes the gobs of family members coming in from out of state and stopping by my grandmothers house before going to their hotel....

At my grandmothers house on a normal day there is me, my sister, brother, mom, dad, aunt, uncle, grandma, 3 cousins, and my uncles ex wife, oh and my sister in law and three dogs. A LOT OF FOLKS. Then more people come, they are loud, they drink whiskey, get louder, and I retreat. I just want to hide. I want to go home and pretend like none of this whole death thing even happened. 

I woke up this morning and just wanted to cry, for no apparent reason... probably pms, who knows.  Something else that has been bothering me is my mom. Granted my mom lost her dad where I lost my grandfather so I have to imagine it's harder for her on a totally different level.  But it's hard not having her be there for me. I can't be selfish because this is a time that I need to be there for her...but I still feel justified in my feelings being hurt.

You see earlier today I was trying to tell her a story and started to get upset. When I get upset I pause in my story telling to get my mind right and avoid crying and then proceed today...she just got agitated with this as if i was wasting her time and she didnt care anyway... she's been doing this alot lately... I just feel out of sorts with her and I cant help but be sensitive right now.

She got upset and retreated to the back bedroom. I went and gave her a hug and she told me that she was happy she had just seen him a couple of months prior to his passing and how she didn't expect to lose him so quickly.... for her it comes and goes in waves and it breaks my heart to see her cry.  At the same time I'm trying to not cry because I don't want to bother anyone else with my feelings. I guess for now, I'll just blog. I'll make it through the funeral tomorrow, go home on Thursday, and then turn around and potentially drive down to NC to attend my uncles funeral. It's becoming more and more real everyday...that I do not like.