meandering

As I stood in the dark starring at the sky.... I realized that even at 29 I believe you are never too old to wish on a star.

First star I see tonight...

It's a nightly thing for me it seems.  Part of my routine as Pepper does her business.... I wish for different things, sometimes general happiness, sometimes just to be able to make it through the following day at work.  I feel selfish for doing it though. 

I mean, If I'm wishing on the first star I see at night, how many other people are wishing on that same star?  Maybe it's stupid, but this is an example of what I think about.... I'm genuinely concerned that what if my wish does come true... does that mean that someone elses won't?  If I were to put my wish on a scale and someone elses on another, whose would way more?

Is it wrong that even with this concern I still feel compelled to make those wishes.  Whether to wake up in a good mood or come into a large sum of money... next to someone elses life, I dunno, I'm probably already rich...

I dunno how to put into words all that I'm saying.  I'm stressed.  I have property taxes due, I don't even have money to go thrift store shopping ... I miss that. I love living with Jen, I really do, but I'm just still adjusting to the paying rent thing.  Things are shitty at work because I was a sort of whistle blower and now the boys club treats me like a narc.  I don't care overall, it just means that they don't feel my day with a bunch of uselessness that I just don't have time for.  I'm looking for something else... I just hope that when I leave it's voluntary and not otherwise.

My brother is now married and I've gained a sister.  My niece Charley turns 1 tomorrow... she'll be in town with my sister... this weekend. Exciting. Soooo exciting.

I dunno, a lot on my mind and not enough time to work through it all.  I hope there are enough stars to go around... I need a bright one, soon.