a wee bit better

I went to the service today and thought for sure I was going to keep my shit together... i really thought I had it out of my system--boy was i fucking wrong.  The family had picked several different songs paired with photos of Scott and I cried my ass off. 

I saw people I hadn't seen in forever, a couple of folks from high school (one who is a funeral director for where we were)... I didn't do the oh, oh my god, we should get together thing because it's fucking bullshit.  If we were for real friends then we would still communicate for real... I don't have anything in common with folks from high school... there are very few (like one person) I actually associate with and she was a year behind me haha... and I don't see her all that often

The point is that the service really got me thinking... who would come to mine if I were to die right now?  I mean yeah my family would be there that's a given, but I've burned so many bridges in my life I don't see a huge crowd of people lining up to pay respects.  I mean there might be folks from high school to pay their respects from back in the day... and then I ask, does it really matter?  Am I going to live my life according to who may or may not show up when I'm dead.  I'll be dead, it's not going to be relevant. 

I told my mom that whne I die, if it's before her that I want my organs donated, then I want to be cremated, and have my ashes dumped somewhere down in North Carolina on Hatteras Island... I don't care where, that's just what i want... mom gets weak and laughs hysterically and tells me she'll flush me and eventually I'll end up in the sea, haha...

I took mom to lunch after the service... a lil mexican to hit the spot.  Came back home and laid down to take a nap...with intentions of just a couple hours to decompress and four hours later got up.

It's funny that I find myself being "needy" something that Jen wishes I was more of when she isn't around to take advantage of it .... I really just wanted to cuddle and be lazy with her today...but I'll be able to soon, she comes back on Friday evening and I'll make it a point to have movies and eats and just veg with her...

Overall, I feel like there has been a weight lifted off of me.  I feel like I've cried enough and cleansed my soul's pallette if you will. 

I'm just kind of everywhere right now.  I'm lost and have been left to wander through my own thoughts and that can be a scary scary thing.

I'm sure I'll figure it all out in the long run.  I need to stop saying that I'm real, and then being a closet case... my sexuality isn't being questioned here so perhaps closet is the wrong term to use... what I'm talking about is how when I start something like a diet or change of lifestyle I do it in front of people but behind closed doors I eat my body weight in shit that I know I shouldn't or that defeats the whole purpose of what I'm doing...

I say that I'm happy with myself, but am I really, If I was I wouldn't dread running into people from high school and immediately feel like they are judging me or that I'm not good enough... Honestly, I took steps in the direction to break my usual habits.  I sent friend requests to a ton of folks from high school, I want them to see my profile and be like whoa, Tommy... who would have thought.  No I don't have anything to prove to them, I realized, that where before I had been ducking and dodging and not feeling good enough--now I want to advertise how fabulous my life is.  I dont care what they think or what might be said because in the end I'll know that I'm content with how my life is and that I've come a long way to get where I am. 

I wasn't always someone who could speak freely... I wasn't a person that did what I wanted... I lived my life for so long according to how others thought it should be lived... I love that I'm outspoken, and openly gay, I love that I'm capable of loving a woman like Jen on the level that I've never done before in my entire life... I love the vulnerability that comes with giving all of myself to this one person and knowing that she has no intention of ever crushing it.. I love that there's a kid in my life that I never saw working... and he warms my heart... I love that I'm capable of coming out of a funk by just clearing my mind... (most of the time)

I'm getting lil man from my mom after school tomorrow so that she can get ready to head to the beach... Friday morning I'll drive him to school, keep myself amused, get him from school, and wait patiently for Jen to get home, listen to her adventures, pencil in some dirty kinky sex, with a locked door this time,

It's wrong to say but I do look forward to lil man's trip to see his dad this summer.  Jen and I have plans of doing our move then and then have him come back and everything already be settled, but more importantly we'll be able to sleep naked and have sex anywhere in the place that we want WHENEVER... hell we could have sex and stay naked and watch a movie or something I dunno I'm sure we'll get creative.

One more day of work and then my three day weekend is a go.  Tomorrow is payday... hell yeah.  I'm going to get my mind wrapped around it and come monday I will be doing this Rice diet hard core all over again, I made it 3 and 1/2 days last time, cheating every day... I'm going to do this just to prove to myself that I can.  I'll do it for a week or two religiously and then reward with a single meal that isn't too crazy to blow that whole two weeks out of the water...sounds good in theory anyway...

I'm roasting, time to open the windows, walk the dog and head back to bed :) Four am comes freakin' early...