I have a lot to say...so here it is

I'm not in the mood to be judged, I'm not looking for a shoulder to cry on, but it dawned on me that I hadn't blogged in forever and I feel like the lack of it correlates to the fact that I'm in a funk that I can't get out of.  I don't give a shit about punctuation or spelling...I don't care if I make sense or not... I'm in a mood, can you tell?  I've locked myself upstairs, I dodged grandma who was luckily out taking Pepper for her daily ride when I got here.

Jen is now in Dallas for the next few days for work and lil man is with my mom up the road... Saturday a guy that I've known practically all my life died.  My parents house was built when I was 5/6 and he was our neighbor directly across the street.  His name was Scott.  Scott was a normal guy, older than me--younger than his brother Mark and had a lil brother named Jeff.  When I was in High School, my senior year actually I started hanging out with Jeff all the time.  He was a cool guy (though much more mature than he was in the days when he and his friends would come over and use our woods to play war or paint ball...)  I don't know specifics but I'd have to say that Jeff is like 4 or 5 years older than me and Scott was between 6 and 10--awful I don't even know for sure.  It was never important.

Their parents, June and Paul are the most wonderful people you could ever hope to meet.  But I digress...the point is that Scott is dead and I'm rather bummed.  Scott was diagnosed with a type of Leukodystrophy so as time progressed I watched him having a harder and harder time getting around until the point that he was in a wheel chair and relying on his parents to do most everything for him.  He was part of a study being done at NIH, the type of leukodystophy he had, 4-H syndrome that there was a time that doctor's considered naming it after scott.  Anyway... mom called me on Saturday to let me know that Scott had passed away.  Pul had made him a sandwhich and went to go do something, when he came back, Scotty had choked to death.  He tried CPR among other things, but it was too late.

I called out of work Monday because I was just bummed in general...I needed a mental health day... Mom convinced me to go over and pay my respects which I knew I needed to do, but was dreading because I was already sad and fighting my own little bout of depression that I'm famous for.  I went over and found June on the phone talking to what turns out to someone at NIH.  They had called to tell her that since Scott had donated his body to science, they were able to look at his tissue and what not and the findings were TREMENDOUS... so June was estactic and burst into tears... that of course made me cry.

Jeff was there too.  But I didn't know who he was.  This guy who I had known for years and years and years and used to look up to and considered a great friend for a long time--he never wanted to have kids or be married and he hated dogs... now, he's married with a kid and has two dogs.  There was no connection like there had been... He had no interest in seeing me, he didn't even introduce me to his wife.  I complimented him on how cute his 7 and 1/2 month old daughter was (though I made it clear that Charley, my niece was wayyyyyy cuter)... it doesn't matter overall because I wasn't there for him... he had written me off years ago...I was more concerned about Paul and June... I needed my own closure...

I left and walked across the road... my foot hit moms yard and I burst into tears...uncontrollable sobbing... I can't tell if it's because of the situation, I mean Scott and I are weren't all that close, he had a crush on me and asked my mom once if she'd care if he kissed me, she laughed said she wouldnt mind but said that I might have  a problem with it.  He was just a good guy... the purest soul I've ever known... I feel so bad for Paul and June.

There is a service tomorrow.  I told everyone at work that he was my cousin.  They give me nothing but shit there, they wouldn't understand if I had said my friend or neighbor... I'm a liar.  One lie after another.   It dawned on me that I take so many of my friendships, relationships, etc for granted.  I've created this hermit-like life.  I hang out with my family, occassionally with Julie to play catch up...spend my weekends with jen and lil man... It was easier to live this lie when i was with Stephanie.  She was antisocial and hated my friends.  I was always able to use her as an excuse to not see them, to not hang out, to close myself off... now that I'm with someone and have been for some time who is out going and fun and friendly, the facade is wearing thin. 

I like having people in my life, but when I want them to be there.  I'm kind of a loner... I'm content being alone in my thoughts and even have to tell Jen from time to time that I need me time...which she finds hard to understand sense she feels like a weekend only girlfriend as it is...

I can't explain what I'm going through right now.  I'm sitting here blogging and crying and being lame in general.  PMS may be to blame...sounds good anyway.  The fact of the matter is that my shit doesn't work right and I can't remember the last time I bled... which means that when it finally does happen I'll bleed for at least 2 to four months straight... sucks, but it's the truth.  Had to have a DNC done almost two years ago because of it... doctors couldn't fix it... But even without the bleeding part I still PMS like a bitch.  I'm a fucking crazy person sometimes.  No, most of the time. 

I have bulbs and bulbs and bulbs to plant.  I brought home over 600 dollars in bulbs this past season and at the end of it and dispersed them to folks that I thought would appreciate them...even sent some to colorado to Jen's parents...I'm bulbed out.  We're in the slow time right now.... Mid july will start the Fall season, so crocus, hyacinth, tulips, daffodils, etc will be on the list...no break followed by the holiday season...

I'm planning a trip to Kentucky for my grandpa's 70th b-day in may...haven't been there in years... it will be a nice change of scenery I think.  I'm wondering if I can make the trek to Nashville and see some friends I have there still (lived there for about 6 months)... and it's only a couple hour drive from my grandma's... not sure how I'll work that though, unless Uncle John wants to carpool or something, I dunno...

Lil man called me Mom for the first time a month or two ago.  He does it intermittenly... I don't ask him to, but I respond...We've gone from Mommy and Tommy to Mommy and mommy... it made me feel all warm and tingly inside... though that wore off when the door krept open while trying to do the dirty with Jen... I've never moved so quick in my life... lol... had to get under the covers with a quickness... luckily he was too asleep to notice anything was up... phew... Gonna need to be locking doors during play time for real now.   Awkward.

I finally consolidated my loans so that should be going through any day now... joined a gym and am enjoying going, most of the time.  I struggle when I'm in a funk like I currently am...Im still trying to figure out a way to lose weight that i'll actually stick to and not do for just a few days until I give up and say fuck it with candy bar in hand...

I go through phases of hating my job which was rampant around the time I cussed my boss out and told him that he could write me up for insubordination and that I'd sign the fucking papers, I'm done... He didn't speak to me for two weeks, now things seem to be okay...and I never got wrote up.  It's such a boys club there and I have nothing in common with my coworkers.  Two Supervisors were fired over a month ago or so... so I'm the only female in the warehouse... all they talk about is sports which I have no interest in... I was told at one point that me being a lesbian was a phase I was going through... really... I'm glad you think you know me that well... fuckers.

I have no motivation,, no desire to do anything really and it sucks...it's lame really.  Im hungry. I get up at four in the morning these days and stay up WAY WAY WAY too late... I need to rectify that situation, maybe I'll go find something to eat and crawl into bed for an early  night.