add this to the history books

There was a time when I was really burned out at my job and just hated it.  I was miserable.  Hell, somedays I still feel this way.  It's a total "boys club" and I feel like I have to work twice as hard as anyone else to acheive the same results in their eyes... if that makes sense.  I've cried at work at least twice now...the first time when I was talking with my boss about my frustrations during the busy seasons and how I felt like I was lied to and then just thrown into the deep in and given the swim or drown option.  I have nothing in common with the guys I work in my opinion.  More so many in areas of sports, not intersted, nascar, definitely not interested... food... I mean shit let's face it I'm always attempting a new diet so NO I don't always want to recipe swap...

I had been notified by a friend I used to work with that the company I had left prior to my current position was hiring a Supervisor.  I thought to myself, "sweet, I can do that"... I was looking for an easy way out in my mind.  I drug my feet and put it off and put it off, but finally set down and posted my resume to the job board they were using.  I didn't hear anything for a while so I thought nothing of it until last Friday when I got a call from the HR Manager asking me to come in on Wednesday to interview.  I was sort of excited and ancy but just stored it in the back of my mind rather than letting it consume me like I do some things.  I worked 10 hours Monday and Tueday to justify leaving 2 hours early today to make the appointment.  I needed time to go home and shower and what not.  It was weird.  I styled my hair in a faux hawk (something i wouldn't generally do for an interview...I'd normally do work appropriate girl hair... not today.  I wore short sleeves instead of long like I normally would to cover up my new huge tattoo and my other smaller ones...I just chocked it up to be, "they know me there, why pretend to be something I'm not."

I wasn't nervous at all which too was not "normal."  I'm at the point where I'm kind of a pro in the interview dept...not to say that I know everything but damn...I've been to enough of them (I'm a job hopper unfortunately, but I feel like it's important to have certain expectations of self improvement and growth in ones life...) but I digress...

I get there and everyone is recognizing me and coming out to talk to me while I waited in the lobby, etc... and all I could think is what the FUCK am I doing here.  I started remembering everything that bothered me about this company when I was the on-site supervisor for the staffing company that supplied labor to them, why all of a sudden after saying the "I don't ever want to work for this place" was I there, impersonating someone who was interested and would be an asset?  Who is this person?  The first interview was 45 minutes long with 2 supervisors and 2 managers--grilling me... cutting each other off to be the one that was doing the speaking etc... it was hell.  I half assed it and answered the questions in an aroundabout way... I was inside of my head... sitting and watching this go on.... yet, doing nothing to stop it.  I played dumb and acted like I didn't notice the tone of some of their questions and replayed images of all the times that some of these folks in front of me had made what I felt were the worst decision or choices EVER and found myself asking, "really Tommy, are these people you want as your mentors?" 

That sounds awful.  These people are not bad, they are just associated with things that are stuck in my head, part of times that are etched on my soul and the foundation for many of my biggest frustrations.  I sat there for a good ten minutes after the first interview to wait for the second firing squad to come in.  When they came in, of course more familiar faces... an ops manager, a supervisor, and the HR Manager. 

I remember answering their questions and realizing that i had absolutely nothing positive to say about this company...if this situation was put on a scale, the cons side was at this point on the floor and the pros portion suspended, dangling lifeless, midair...

I told them how my ultimate goal is to end up a CEO of a Fortune 500 company... obviously this isn't going to happen overnight...its going to take a lot of hard work, infiltrating many a boys club, etc... but I didn't go into detail for them.

I used many analogies and compared my career path/goals to a suitcase.  For now, it has a travel bag and a couple of outfits, a flip flop or two, etc... but by the time I get to where I'm supposed to be, it's going to be so full of clothes, accessories, etc (my way of saying skill sets) that it will take me and two other people sitting on it to zip it closed.

I'm rambling here... but I'll get there I promise. 

When I was asked the same question reworded for about the 3rd time it became apparent to me that I wasn't fooling anyone.  They were wondering what i was doing there even more than I was at this point, it was no surprise.  It was then that I knew I couldn't bullshit and drag this out anymore.  In reference to their "Okay, but WHY (insert company's name here)" I simply said, "I have no idea."

I could feel my eyes start to well up...fuck why do I cry at the most inappropriate times...it makes no damn sense.  Oh well... I started to cry but managed to get out, I'm sorry for wasting ya'll time...

I pulled myself together after about a minute or so and continued on the conversation... it was at that point that I just let it all hang out.  I spent over 30 minutes with them discussing how they could improve.  I talked about how I felt that the team members ran the place and how the supervisors really don't have the authority they should and when they are given then authority to make certain decisions, then the ops managers turn around and veto said decision and then act like they were idiots for attempting to make a decision.  No damn sense whatsoever.  I even went as far to talk about how their concept of communication is flawed and how it was a matter that got anything accomplished as far as improving processes, etc because no one listens to the other person...it's a non stop competition where one person wants to be heard so they cut off the person speaking so that they accomplish that feat... and it's the same pig headed people that are doing it and nothing is being said.  The part I couldn't believe was how I told them that the supervisor they had fired, (for whose positions they are now trying to fill) was a huge error on their part.  I reminded them how the part involved blatantly lied and when i pointed it out they didnt even acknowledge I had said anything (screw an investigation their minds were made up)... they didn't listen when I tried to tell them about the team members conspiring against this guy because they didn't like them... I said you guys fail to realize that there is time between incidents being reported to the actual investigation beginning... ENOUGH TIME for anyone and everything to get his/her story straight...

Long story short, if you do something to piss off a team member they could easily file a false claim against you and odds are the supervisor/manager who is accused won't have a job in the end of it.  It was crazy

They told me that they appreciated my input, took notes, said that they weren't nearly as far along as they had thought, and even asked me if I had noticed that they didn't try to deny anything of what I was saying. 

It felt so amazing to get all this shit off of my chest.  All the things that irked me when I was an outsider looking in and couldnt say because I had to have the best interest of the client in mind...and it would have been unprofessional.  It didn't matter.

Nothing mattered... I mean yeah I was technically burning a bridge that I may someday need...but it took this for me to realize that I make an impact where I'm at...I love speaking spanish, or attempting to at least, etc I but heads with the guys, but I don't give them nearly enough credit.  Sure, most of the time I just like to bitch because Im good at it, but how many people these days can say that the make a decent wage, have their 401 k matched six percent (after a year), are offered Aflac at a killer discount, have their medical, dental, etc paid by the company 100 %, get free flower bulbs at the end of the season, etc... SERIOUSLY... I have a pretty sweet gig... I just need to work on my communication skills and try to keep from crying when I get sooooooo frustrated. 

If I could change one thing about me it would be the crying thing when I'm super scared or super frustrated... i would be able to appear stoic at work and keep it moving... I'm just so passionate at times about things I care about that I just get overwhelmed and the only way for the energy to escape is in the form of tears.

I'm such a fucking girl sometimes and that bothers me.

So that my friends is how I spent 2 hours at an interview where I ended up having an epiphany, burning a bridge, and dropping about 50 pounds of baggage from my soul.  Overall, a damn good day.