Not really a secret

It's no real secret that something has been up in my world that I either didn't want to talk about or just wasn't ready to deal with or whatever, but the moral of the story is... I'm having a rough time. A rough time with everything. Considering I've physically felt like crap for going on two months now, am battling a severe case of depression, in spite of seeing a therapist and talking nonstop to at least one person about all the other turmoil in my life... shit is just fucked up and I'll leave it at that.

I moved on Saturday.  The whole thing seems surreal even though my stuff is as unpacked as it's going to get.  I'm sad though some people in my life probably won't believe it.  I've spent this whole time being accused of being emotionally cold, stoic at times and just incapable of feeling.  Well I say just because I choose to not vocalize my shit because I know it's going to hurt someone's feelings or turn into a long ass conversation or debate, doesn't mean I'm incapable of feeling, it just means that I'd much rather do it by myself.  I dunno.

I find myself just wanting to cry. and well crying for that matter. I hear songs on the radio, or come across them on a CD I've burned and my eyes water... I dunno. I can't undo everything I've done and I can't provide answers for the why's and hows, etc... I can just say that I wasn't happy.

The problem with saying I'm not happy is that I don't know what I want or need to make me happy. I don't honestly know what the hell happy is. I'm researching that...

So, anyway. I am now single again. After over 2 years with someone with whom at one point I could see spending my life with... I broke her heart, actually ripped her heart from her chest, stomped all over it and then smacked her in the face with it and I don't even know why.

I'm giving myself a personal goal of not living in my mom's house (where I now reside) by the time my 30th birthday gets here... so that gives me til the end of May... it's not that I don't appreciate having a family I can fall back on ... it's just that I can't feel independent living at mommy's house. Im in the process of being removed from the lease... gave up a great deal of my shit in the "divorce" for lack of better words... I dunno...it's not like she did anything wrong.

I just never saw this happening. Whatever the fuck I'm going through is definitely not something that I ever even considered happening. For now it's taking everything in me to just function. I still don't have the concentration nor am i willing to really face the situation. I may just spend a few more days pretending like nothing happened. I just don't wanna talk about specifics...I'm tired of my family or friends asking me what's up... I havent even told my grandma... hell, I just don't really fucking care right now. I've been called selfish among other things and well dammit, maybe I am. Who fucking cares. I'm too emotional to fucking care about anything if that makes sense... I mean sense I'm incapable of feeling ya know. Try feeling nothing and everything all at the same time and see how it works out for you--because for me....it may eventually be the death of me. Who the fuck knows. Who the fuck cares.

Health or the lack thereof

I wasn't going to do this...but it seems I do a lot these days that I don't necessarily intend on doing... so I'm going to share the health issues I'm dealing with.  You see it all started back in December when I had an upper respiratory infection and felt like ass.  Well I went to the doc and he gave me stuff to fix me right on up, but I had diarrhea from Dec 15 until last week.  That week was spent vomiting and then ended with diarrhea all over again.  My doc referred me to a gastrointestinal specialist so that we could figure out what's up...he thinks I have an ulcer.  Well I took ALL the pills they wanted me to for like 1 days and since then, I've only taken like 1 a day because who the fuck has time to take 1 pill four times a day, an hour before eating... my schedule doesn't really permit planned meals sometimes...

So anyway my specialist appt is on Wednesday...I was debating canceling it because overall I feel alright and at this point I'm used to shitting ALL the time and needing to make it to the bathroom in a hurry.  Well after some brief research online (which should never be done when you have some symptoms)...I've decided that whatever I have, probably shouldn't be ignored, and I will be keeping my appointment.

It could be a number of things and I'm not going to speculate, but it's definitely not comfortable, maybe a hiatal hernia, or something similar to chrones disease, all of it boiling down to some irritable damn bowels... which lets face it just isn't cool and really puts a damper on a social life (or lack thereof)...

I had convinced myself and even told my therapist that I think I'm making myself sick. Which hey is possible, between stress and everything else going on in my life... but whatever the cause, if I ever discover it...the point is, I've gotta get fixed. For now, I'll just keep dealing with the pain, uncomfortableness, and just icky feeling in general.

They should make makeup shades with descriptions, i.e. "I feel like shit today but wanna fake it and look half way decent" in a sparkly lip gloss. Or better yet, "I pee out of my ass like 17 times a day and my asshole is raw and I think I washed my hands really well, but just in case....Chocolate" Nailpolish.

Yeah, I know, that was gross, but hey, welcome to my life as of late.

Adele - Rolling In The Deep

Changes on the horizon

A lot of shit has gone down in the past few months, very little of which I have blogged about out of respect of the other party/parties involved.  I've decided however that I need to blog so I will be creating a new blog, an anonymous blog, a blog that even if I flat out told the world everything that was on my mind there's no way in hell that the affected parties could be recognized.  I'm dying inside. Slowly dying. Fading away to nothingness and full of confusion and doubt.  I tried to keep these inner demons quiet, but I can do it no more. If anyone is interested in the new address for this upcoming blog either email me or post a comment with your email and I'll send the link. The blogging will continue, regardless as to if anyone reads it or not. Sad really. Just sad.

high tide low tide

There is a numbness that presents itself and then vanishes. Like the ocean crashing gently upon the shore, bringing it's foamy endlessness, saturating the sand and then repetitiously fading away. I wake up some mornings and all seems fine, then without warning, for no reason, it creeps up on me. It clings on as if it is a naturally occuring, supposed to be there limb... natural in the sense of an arm or a leg is natural, not in that of a zit or bruise...

I don't know where I'm going with this really. I don't know much of anything these days really.

My guilty conscious gave way to some serious confessions on my part, a very delayed exhibit of remorse and now the theory of a new start. It's hard to tell whether or not this theory is in fact a reality or not.

I guess that all in all, I'm not one hundred percent convinced that it's possible outside of fairytales. That is most likely my Debbie Downer side reary it's ugly head tonight.  I dunno.

There is an emptiness, a void that is very seldom filled. I can't find the right words to describe it. I can't make sense of it. I'm spiraling downward, not out of control, but a controlled spiral, as if that makes any sense.

I'm always thinking. It's weird thought. There are like nine hundred bazillion thoughts in there but I'm not thinking any single one specifically...it's just chaos.  Imagine you are at a crowded restaraunt. You are there on a date, (insert your partners name here)... ya'll are having a nice conversation, sipping your drinks, nibbling on an appetizer, thinking about what you want to do to him/her when you get them back to the house... then the conversations from all the surrounding tables begin to get louder and louder...it gets harder and harder to hear your partner or even concentrate on their words.... then the kitchen doors swing open, plates fall to the floor with a crash and break....

It's kind of like that. A whole lot going on and not being able to focus in on one particular thought.

That's where I am. Waiting for low tide so I can break free... or even high tide to wash away these thoughts and feelings.

why?

Why is "make up" sex so fucking amazing. Like to the point that I'm currently thinking of things to fight with Jen about just so this phenomenol sex doesn't end.  Lol. I'm seeing a side of my partner I've never seen in the two years we've been together...it's good shit. Like, Really good shit.

dear santa

Dear Santa--

Recent events in my life have most definitely reserved me a spot on the Naughty list.  This just will not do.  You see I fully believe that at some point or another, EVERYONE makes a mistake or two, and while the severity of said mistake may vary from case to case.... mistakes happen nonetheless.  My point is that I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that I can't explain how this mistake happened or even why. I'm just sorry. I'm sorry that I consistently hurt those around me and let so many people down. I'm just sorry. I don't know what to do to fix this and get off of the naughty list, but I am looking for suggestions.  If you can find it your big ass North Pole heart to look past said mistake and put me back on the Nice List I'd really appreciate it.

If this happens and I know I'm probably pushing it here, but Santa, I can't help but make an additional request.  I prepared my wishlist, if you get around to it, I mean...

All I want for Christmas is:

Clarity

Forgiveness

Trust

Strength

Understanding

Compassion

There are several other things that I'd like, but I don't want to be greedy AND I'm not necessarily thinking clearly these days.  I dunno. 

Hopefully I'll at least get off the Naughty list.

Thanks for listening and Happy Holidays big guy...

Tommy

To put it simply

If I had it to do all over again, I'da just kept my damn mouth shut.

more work, less play

Still working my ass off... but at least I have great people at work to keep me amused. Not my bosses so much, but like the actual employees.  I'm serious when I say that I was mexican in another life.  There is just no other explanation. I love everything about the culture for the most part, I just love it all.  But that's not the point of this blog.

Last week one of the guys at work, we call him Coco...short for Cocodrilo (which is crocodile in spanish) was working with me.  He normally works as part of the shipping team, but I needed an extra hand in my department so my fellow supervisor let me borrow him and one other guy, we call him Ladies man, lol.  Anyway... these guys were helping me organize some stuff and get cleaned up and my boss came up.  He immediately starts talking smack and has just an arrogant beligerant tone about him when Coco puffs up...stands in between my boss and I and says, "HEY you got a problem con tommy, you got a problem con me." I couldn't do anything but smile. I was weak. Even my boss had to step back and say, damn... I need people like that working for me.

I had an interview on Tuesday. It was with the DMV... I dunno... I hate my job most days and I definitely hate the long ass hours I work and seven day work weeks, but... I'm scared to find something different. Does that make any sense? I'm scared that the grass isn't always greener, etc etc etc.

It all goes back to me wanting to win the lottery. I dunno. There is a chance of me having the weekend off this weekend...won't know until tomorrow.... keeping my fingers crossed.

on the plus side

On the plus side... after blogging last night, I felt a lot better.  Jen was waiting there for me and we talked a few more minutes about things on our minds... it was funny though, right before we had some incredibly quick sex (it was already way past my old ass bedtime...) Jen looked at me and said, "You blogged about this didnt you..." LOL. At least she knows me. 

After the quickie that we both desperately needed Jen held me for a sec and said, "Hun, there's no way that you aren't gay." Puzzled I asked how she could be so sure... her response was, "I've been with enough women to know that the things you do and what you're capable of in the bedroom... well lets just say if you were pretending or in a phase, you wouldn't be nearly so damn good End of story, you're gay."

Well then that's settled. Lol. Glad she could clear that up for me... AND  an ego boost like no other. Who doesn't want to be told they are a rock star in bed and complimented on their tongue skills, lol.

The spark will come back when our schedules mesh up a lil better than they have. Jen reminded me that we can make it through anything... easier to remember when I've had a decent nights sleep.

For now, a few applications to fill out and Sex and the City 2 with Jen :)...