Not really a secret

It's no real secret that something has been up in my world that I either didn't want to talk about or just wasn't ready to deal with or whatever, but the moral of the story is... I'm having a rough time. A rough time with everything. Considering I've physically felt like crap for going on two months now, am battling a severe case of depression, in spite of seeing a therapist and talking nonstop to at least one person about all the other turmoil in my life... shit is just fucked up and I'll leave it at that.

I moved on Saturday.  The whole thing seems surreal even though my stuff is as unpacked as it's going to get.  I'm sad though some people in my life probably won't believe it.  I've spent this whole time being accused of being emotionally cold, stoic at times and just incapable of feeling.  Well I say just because I choose to not vocalize my shit because I know it's going to hurt someone's feelings or turn into a long ass conversation or debate, doesn't mean I'm incapable of feeling, it just means that I'd much rather do it by myself.  I dunno.

I find myself just wanting to cry. and well crying for that matter. I hear songs on the radio, or come across them on a CD I've burned and my eyes water... I dunno. I can't undo everything I've done and I can't provide answers for the why's and hows, etc... I can just say that I wasn't happy.

The problem with saying I'm not happy is that I don't know what I want or need to make me happy. I don't honestly know what the hell happy is. I'm researching that...

So, anyway. I am now single again. After over 2 years with someone with whom at one point I could see spending my life with... I broke her heart, actually ripped her heart from her chest, stomped all over it and then smacked her in the face with it and I don't even know why.

I'm giving myself a personal goal of not living in my mom's house (where I now reside) by the time my 30th birthday gets here... so that gives me til the end of May... it's not that I don't appreciate having a family I can fall back on ... it's just that I can't feel independent living at mommy's house. Im in the process of being removed from the lease... gave up a great deal of my shit in the "divorce" for lack of better words... I dunno...it's not like she did anything wrong.

I just never saw this happening. Whatever the fuck I'm going through is definitely not something that I ever even considered happening. For now it's taking everything in me to just function. I still don't have the concentration nor am i willing to really face the situation. I may just spend a few more days pretending like nothing happened. I just don't wanna talk about specifics...I'm tired of my family or friends asking me what's up... I havent even told my grandma... hell, I just don't really fucking care right now. I've been called selfish among other things and well dammit, maybe I am. Who fucking cares. I'm too emotional to fucking care about anything if that makes sense... I mean sense I'm incapable of feeling ya know. Try feeling nothing and everything all at the same time and see how it works out for you--because for me....it may eventually be the death of me. Who the fuck knows. Who the fuck cares.

Health or the lack thereof

I wasn't going to do this...but it seems I do a lot these days that I don't necessarily intend on doing... so I'm going to share the health issues I'm dealing with.  You see it all started back in December when I had an upper respiratory infection and felt like ass.  Well I went to the doc and he gave me stuff to fix me right on up, but I had diarrhea from Dec 15 until last week.  That week was spent vomiting and then ended with diarrhea all over again.  My doc referred me to a gastrointestinal specialist so that we could figure out what's up...he thinks I have an ulcer.  Well I took ALL the pills they wanted me to for like 1 days and since then, I've only taken like 1 a day because who the fuck has time to take 1 pill four times a day, an hour before eating... my schedule doesn't really permit planned meals sometimes...

So anyway my specialist appt is on Wednesday...I was debating canceling it because overall I feel alright and at this point I'm used to shitting ALL the time and needing to make it to the bathroom in a hurry.  Well after some brief research online (which should never be done when you have some symptoms)...I've decided that whatever I have, probably shouldn't be ignored, and I will be keeping my appointment.

It could be a number of things and I'm not going to speculate, but it's definitely not comfortable, maybe a hiatal hernia, or something similar to chrones disease, all of it boiling down to some irritable damn bowels... which lets face it just isn't cool and really puts a damper on a social life (or lack thereof)...

I had convinced myself and even told my therapist that I think I'm making myself sick. Which hey is possible, between stress and everything else going on in my life... but whatever the cause, if I ever discover it...the point is, I've gotta get fixed. For now, I'll just keep dealing with the pain, uncomfortableness, and just icky feeling in general.

They should make makeup shades with descriptions, i.e. "I feel like shit today but wanna fake it and look half way decent" in a sparkly lip gloss. Or better yet, "I pee out of my ass like 17 times a day and my asshole is raw and I think I washed my hands really well, but just in case....Chocolate" Nailpolish.

Yeah, I know, that was gross, but hey, welcome to my life as of late.

Adele - Rolling In The Deep

Changes on the horizon

A lot of shit has gone down in the past few months, very little of which I have blogged about out of respect of the other party/parties involved.  I've decided however that I need to blog so I will be creating a new blog, an anonymous blog, a blog that even if I flat out told the world everything that was on my mind there's no way in hell that the affected parties could be recognized.  I'm dying inside. Slowly dying. Fading away to nothingness and full of confusion and doubt.  I tried to keep these inner demons quiet, but I can do it no more. If anyone is interested in the new address for this upcoming blog either email me or post a comment with your email and I'll send the link. The blogging will continue, regardless as to if anyone reads it or not. Sad really. Just sad.