empty thoughts

Current day demon possession

2012-01-25T18:08:00.002-05:00

Maybe it’s something to do with him being 8 and a boy. Maybe he is possessed, but I have witnessed a change sweep over lil man and it’s not for the positive. He’s always been a momma’s boy and I’ve always felt like a 3rd wheel a large portion of the time. But this is absurd.

Lil man constantly back talks me and it’s like he does stuff just to piss me off. It used to be that when he was with my mom or aunt (they’d watch him after school while his mom and I worked) that he’d act a certain way (like an angel) and then when Jen and I would get home, he’d start showing his ass…get really whiny and basically do anything to get attention. You would think that no one spent time with him the way he would switch gears…

Well now hes just out of control with everyone. He back talks, thinks he has to have the last word in every situation. I’m now the one who gets him ready for school and off the bus during the week with the exception of a day or two. Well it was a situation for a while that he would do nothing but give me a hard time…like a crazy hard time.

It’s driving me crazy. We’ve switched to no tv during the week (he already had no videogames during the week)…hasn’t phased him…we take things from him to try and make him act like he’s supposed to, told him that we can reward his good behavior with something that’s fun (but inexpensive)… he gets excited but then the next day it’s the same thing.

Maybe its just me. Perhaps even though I’ve been around for over three years, maybe I’m just screwing up his “master plan.” Maybe I’m just bothered by the wrong stuff. Maybe I’m just “just” and we’ll insert whatever is appropriate into those quotes…

Last week he talked back to my mom and I’m surprised she didn’t lay his ass out right then… I wouldn’t have got away with that when I was a kid. I dunno, I don’t want to beat him by any means, but I’ve got to figure something out, I can only handle so much more before I really snap and say fuck it and raise money to send him to military school.

I’m sure Jen disagrees with me on the seriousness or something in general because we don’t always see eye to eye in these matters. I don’t know, I feel helpless. He came home today and has a science test tomorrow, no science notes in his possession…. I’ve been trying to get him to bring everything home FOREVER…so today, knowing that Jen was coming home early I just threw my hands up and said “fuck it” (the fuck it was in my head and not aloud, lol) but still I’m sooooo over it. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to fix it and I can’t continue to live like this forever.

This weekend I’m going to go help my sister with my niece because of babysitting issues. I’m going to take him with me and see if it’s just a change of scenery…. He didn’t used to act like this in the apartment… sure he had a few issues in school, but nothing at home. Now it’s no issues in school and shit at home. I don’t know whats changed other than where we live and the number of people in the house.

At the end of the day I’m baffled… lost, drained, I don’t know how to do this or what to do. It’s ridiculous. Somedays just the sound of his voice upsets me… the constant whiny sound… It can’t be like this forever. I’ve adjusted my meds, in case all of it was in my head but it’s not going away and it’s just getting worse.

UGH! I need to be rescued. We need an exorcism, ASAP.

A view from the other side--UNEMPLOYMENT

2012-01-25T18:06:00.001-05:00

I’ve been officially unemployed now since end of day December 30, 2011—almost an entire month. You would think I would have had plenty of time to blog, but that hasn’t been the case. Not because I’m super busy by any means but because I have been spending my time applying for jobs and actually seeking work.

I had such huge plans for my unemployment. I was going to get up in the morning, put the kid on the bus, go for a 2 mile walk with Pepper, come back, shower, dress, and start my day…. RIIIGGGGHHHHT!! That walk has yet to happen and the whole shower, dress, and start my day is in reality is trumped by me crawling back in the bed, snuggling up where it’s warm… Pepper tucked in the fold of my legs zonked out… we get up maybe around 11 or 12 and decide what to do, lmao.

I’m getting a paycheck from unemployment and since I became credit card debt free a few months ago, I don’t have that to worry about. I don’t have student loans to worry about because I got my unemployment deferment approved (with no interest accruing –awesome). So in short my only responsibilities right now are car insurance, my car payment, and money to help out with the bills here. So who would be stressed under these conditions? Me. I’m not stressing money, I saved plenty while I was working ninety hours a week, so that’s not the issue. The issue is finding the motivation when you have nothing that you HAVE to do.

I no longer have a sense of purpose. I no longer have somewhere to be by seven o’clock every morning. So let’s just say I’m doing my best to work through that. My first week of being unemployed, I submitted 153 applications online to various companies for positions all around the country. I’ve since then had several phone screenings and am now just waiting. I have slowed myself down with the applications to prevent exhausting my resources. I report my “2” attempts at finding employment to the VEC (Virginia Employment Commission), write down my confirmation number for my weekly filing, and wait. On Friday after 5 up until Monday at 6 am I am required to report to the temp agency that I last worked for (for the tail end of employment pre-layoff) and say that I am available, so that should something that matches my skills and profile become available, I can start work. Pfft. I have had nothing but drama in dealing with this company.

On my last day of work, I called and spoke to the recruiter that was in charge of the “account” for which I worked. I explained to her what I was looking for, salary requirements, and that I was quite open to relocation (I’m actually aiming for it). The recruiter assured me that if I sent her my most up to date resume that she would forward it to the other temp agency offices that were located in bigger areas and were growing rapidly, since they might have more opportunities available. THE EMAIL NEVER WENT THROUGH… after a week of the email message being denied and my email being notified of this, I called the office. Said recruiter no longer worked there. She left for Atlanta, GA THAT VERY SAME DAY!!!! Why tell me that you would do something when you knew that once you clocked out, none of it would even fucking matter. In addition to that the other lady in the office has nothing but an attitude and it seems that her goal is to fuck me and anyone else out of their unemployment benefits, when in fact my unemployment is based on where I was laid off from, not them because it was the last place I worked. It’s not like she’s writing me a personal check to keep me afloat while I look for work. My previous coworker and I both have had issues with her.

But I digress. It’s just irritating. I did get some great news the other day though. After I didn’t get the “sure thing” job that I thought for sure I was getting I was DEVASTATED. I had been told that once you make it to the level of interviewing with the VP of Distribution, it was just a formality… but then I didn’t get the job??? I was being told that there was nothing but positive feedback so me not getting the job just didn’t make since to me or the headhunter that was doing such a great job lining things up.

But I did my best accepting it, EVEN though it was the one company that I felt was EVERYTHING I was looking for AND THEN SOME. Well on Monday I reapplied for the job on the headhunting website because it was still showing (which made no sense to me)… I received an email about 6 minutes later from the Director of said headhunting/recruiting firm. She told me that the recruiter I had worked with was no longer employed there (not sure of details), but she had an update about the company that I had spent so much time interviewing with. She said that she had contacted the head recruiter for the company and asked why if the final interview was just a formality and they were receiving nothing but positive feedback, well WHAT HAPPENED? His response is that it came down to an end of year issue…they wanted both me and the other guy (the one they picked) but only had room for one before year end. I’m not out of the running and if I can wait maybe 2 to 3 weeks, then he may have a position for me and I won’t have to reinterview… So sure, it’s more of a waiting game but trust me it is AWESOME nonetheless. To know that not all hope is lost on a company who I would love to work for and whose values and community involvement is tremendous… FREAKING FABULOUS.

For now, My goal is to get into a new routine. One that doesn’t involve so much sleep (which causes me to not sleep at night)… I dunno, I want to feel like I have a purpose and I need to take this time to take better care of myself. I’m going to do it and I’m going to get the job of my dreams.

On the work front

2011-11-29T08:47:00.000-05:00

Continuing on with the trend I've been setting--things have been quiet for me in blog world (obviously), this does not hold true in my real life. A lot has been happening with my mental health (see other blog)... but more importantly a lot has been happening at work which has been contributing to said mental health.

The 90 hour work weeks have drawn to a close. The warehouse is beginning to empty out. I'm beginning to do transfer orders (where we ship things to other suppliers to make a profit rather than just throw the shit away)...we are recycling a great deal of cardboard. The racks where all of my inventory was held were broken down yesterday so now there a great deal of space where if I had insurance and trusted my skills I'd roller skate through the place, lol.

December 31 or doom's day is nearing quickly, though looking at what remains to be done I still think we will be out much sooner. I had interviewed a while ago with Target Distribution for an opportunity to relocate to Tyler, TX had I got the job. I made it through the entire interview process, but alas, was not the right fit. (It was not meant to be) though it would have been a kick ass gig. I like the concept of Target because of take on Diversity, they are well known for being accepting of peoples thoughts, beliefs, backgrounds, lifestyles, etc... I thought it would have been cool, but it was good interview experience and it says a great deal that I even made it as far as I did, because it's not easy to get in there. That makes me feel good.

Now I'm awaiting an interview on December 5th with another Distribution center that will mean a relocation but this time, only 4 hours from home, and will keep me in VA. It will be in the Shenandoah Valley, 30 minutes outside of West VA, and hour and half from Washington DC... 3 hours up I 81 from my sister who lives around VA Tech... and still just 6 1/2 hours from Hatteras my favorite place on earth (thus far), lol. It is still considered country, but is central to "civilization" and is a distribution center for a large retail store. This particular company has 11, soon to be 12 distribution Centers in the US which means opportunity for growth and advancement...and I see great things should I do well with this interview. I drive up on Sunday, stay in a hotel, interview Monday, drive my 4 hours back Monday afternoon and come back to work on Tuesday.

I'm very nervous. I have a lot riding on this. But should it go well, Jen is completely on board and willing to roll with the punches and see where this takes us. It would mean benefits for me again, more money, and more opportunity. It is a large company and a chance for longevity. Something I want.

Nonetheless things are not easy hear at work, Christmas is right around the corner and its hard to stay chipper when you are worried about your job situation you know... but it will all work out I'm sure. I got this. Hey at least if I'm not working I'll have time to blog, HAHAHA.... though I won't know what i'll blog about, hahah.

Side note, lil man and I started building a lego city last night because he has this huge play table in his room and he has all my old legos in his room that my mom saved so we have the city laid out and we are going to work on it little by little all week, I know i'm a nerd, but I'm kind of stoked about it, don't judge me.

Jen's new makeover

2011-11-29T08:32:00.000-05:00

It was around three years ago this time that I transformed Jen into a new her. She wanted something different and I gave it to her. She had hair down her back and I gave her a bob. (I'm sure that there is a blog somewhere here that shows this change....)

Well three years into our relationship she we've done it again...she wanted a change and well we did it again:

So the before and after is pretty obvious :) and awesome if you ask me. She's as beautiful as ever.

The bottom two are of us looking smokin' hot together, lol. FUN.

Breaking the silence

2011-09-11T16:50:00.000-04:00

Queen of Ruckus of Rainbow Over Central Avenue pointed out to me that it's been around two months of utter silence from me on the blog front. There's a few reasons for that. I moved out of civilization and into the country which I had mentioned I would be doing...and with that comes no constant internet connection...only dial up and my parents Verizon Air card which is not unlimited and my dad needs for school... so I can't be blowing it up to do my little "rants" that I am so famous for here on blogger... I have to come into town once a week with Jen and now lil man since his return from his various summer visitation obligations to use the free wifi in town at the Dairy Queen... that sounds so quaint and old timey... almost like I hitch up the horse to the buggy and take all day getting to the DQ, but really if that was the case, not like internet would be an issue, lol.

Secondly, I am still working and I just finished up the fall flower bulb season working 14 to 18 hours a day for 5 ho 6 days a week, when not doing that, I have to still do stuff for grandma like her hair or other small things she needs done weekly (and well my cat still lives there so I need to go change the litter box regardless and give Chino kitty some love)... plus go to the laundromat and do the ungodly amount of laundry that Jen and I manage to dirty in one weeks time and hope to have one day to recoop (which still is used to clean the bedrooms, bathrooms, etc and do chores around the house to help mom out and "carry our weight" and not free load, even though we do help out financially as well)

Jen is working over 55 hours a week and hates her job, lil man has started school and loves it, loves the bus, loves his teacher, loves the country (minus the bugs and bug bites), loves that my mom and aunt help get him on and off the bus, loves his bedroom, etc... So he's happy, while Jen and I put on a smile and pretend to be happy all the time but really are miserable in our work situations... I'm about to be out of a job.

The company officially closes on Sept 30, but will run through mid November or December sometime, Depends on when we ship the last of the holiday bulbs out (which we have already started producing stuff for now...) I spend my online time applying for new jobs and not blogging... and when i have a second at work to be online its normally spent on facebook to bitch about my boss or say something fucked up and morbid to freak people out because I really am on the verge of snapping somedays... my boss is putting me over the edge...further than I've been pushed before.

I had strongly considered taking the loss and filing for unemployment on 10/1/11 and trying to live off of the 400 bucks a week which is the maximum I could get and just trying to make it work... I have no insurance after 9/30... but if I attempt that I may very well just be out of work and denied unemployment because I can in theory continue doing my same job, but go to work through a temp agency and make the "money" until the business physically shuts it's doors (there are two different end days, the 30th when the name and everything associated with it is no more and then when the doors physically close).. I'd be an idiot to stop working on the 30th, but my concern at this point is my mental health.

Even after being successfully medicated for like 7 or so months now and stable, my boss is purposely pushing my buttons and trying to make me crack. I wait until i get home to really have my moments but it's really eating at me. I'm scared to death that i'll end up in the "looney bin" and I think i blogged once before a long time ago about voluntarily committing myself a couple months after my the death of my grandfather (my first grandfather to pass away... I was maybe like 20 or 21 i can't remember now... I didn't stay long and I don't see myself trying to go back, but still it is a fear in the back of my mind...

So to say the least there is a lot going on...

I have thought about blogging without the internet, more as jounaling and then saving them to my flash drive and then just uploading them at work in the early mornings when I have time... and maybe I'll start doing that... because to be honest I've been thinking about blogging for a while... fiending is a better word.

So much has happened, I wouldn't even know where to begin to fill in the gaps.

The hurricane... my parents beach house... stuff for my bipolar blog.... my sisters weight loss and how its affected her... just stuff in general.

I'll be back eventually...maybe sooner than later... I won't be quiet for long, Believe that. Thanks for checking on me.

Latest, certainly not greatest

2011-07-05T19:34:00.000-04:00

After a week of vacation to get moved out of my apartment and into my mom's house with Jen and lil man... I returned to work and found out some less than awesome news. They laid off 3 people last week, which I knew about because of a text from a coworker... but here's the new news:

1. We are not going to make it through holiday after all, so most likely around September or so, I will be out of a job...

2. There should be a meeting soon to inform us all that we will no longer have medical benefits (which up to this point have been paid 100% by my employer--this is awful news considering for the first time in the 11 years my bipolar meds are finally right and for one month, without insurance would cost me around 700 bucks...) they want us to enroll in Cobra...which anyone who has ever lost a job and been offered Cobra knows is ridiculously expensive and no one can really afford it...

3. We will soon probably end up working for a staffing agency, the one who has always supplied us with our temporary hispanic work force up until this point, we will become hourly (and while this is a guess on my part) probably take a pay cut as well...

4. It turns out that the CEO knew about this whole deal well before March and had this company not bought us effective June 1, we would have shown up to chains on the door...

5. It's obvious that everyone is over all this shit and ready to throw in the towel, but at the same time scared to leave until they have something else to fall back on... which I can't fault anyone for.

6. We in the warehouse are still expected to carry on business as usual when all I want to do is sabotage all the orders and stick it to "the man" lol... you know... it's just a fucked up situation.

7. I'm sure there is more, but I can't think right now. I was called about a job at our competition a few days before my move, but Im soooo over the flower bulb business... LIKE I HATE IT.

8. I also have a lead/bite in MA I'm hoping turns into something for gay marriage reasons, lol... NY is still up in the air and not sure how it will play out... a whole lot of unknowns and I can't wait forever to see how things will turn out, I've got make my own destiny at this point... I don't have much time to make it happen.

Whether I stay in VA or relocate to a new and exciting place... I've got to do it soon... and I've got to be sure it's the right move for both Jen and I, and stable enough for lil man as well... we need to get to a point where we aren't constantly moving him around.

Regardless...I'm sure everything will work itself out. Let the good times roll.

Moving up or moving on?

2011-06-27T09:37:00.000-04:00

Moving can be so overwhelming, but I'm glad we have a place to go. Jen and I are working as a team to knock out the packing and preparing... we rented a temperature controlled storage unit to put 97 percent of our belongings in... the other 3 percent will go with us to my mom and dads house in the country. Lil man and Pepper will have plenty of room to run and play so that will be good... though Lil man will only be there a couple of weeks before he leaves for CO to see his grandparents and then in August begins his visitation with his dad and stepmom...

We still have a lot to pack and do, but we will get there... the storage place we picked has a truck they are letting us use for free for 8 hours (we're going to use that tomorrow) so we'll at least get all of the big stuff moved...) We have a ton of stuff that we are donating to the CHKD or Goodwill thrift store (whichever is closer)... we still need to pack up the kitchen... I need to box up my clothes... but overall I'd say we are more than half way there which is good stuff in my opinion.

I've got to take pepper to the vet in the morning--I took her the other day to get her nails trimmed (on account she acts so much better for them than she does for me... so it's easier on everyone) and they informed me that the only thing she's up to date on is her rabies, which doesn't have to be redone until next June... So 8am tomorrow they'll do all of her vaccines... a fecal test, heart worm test, EVERYTHING... by the time they do all that and I buy at least 6 months worth of heart worm pills I'll have spent at least 3 hundred bucks I figure... we'll see...

On a good note, Jen's interview went well, they are running her background check now and making her pee in a cup... there are a few other things to do, but they made her an offer... so we'll see how it all works out. :)

The stress levels around the apartment have been sky high. Jen is super stressed, obviously due to the fact that for the first time EVER she's not employed... She's taken a few things out on me verbally which is always fun... NOT... but it's to be expected and she later calmed herself down and became normal again.... shes not a monster by any means, but she's doing that snappy stuff and freaking out over what seems like nothing to me... (stuff that I normally do, lol--she's now doing...) so I guess it's fair that we are doing a reversal of roles in the household.... It's just more difficult since I'm a little extra hormonal or something right now, I dunno... I'm all sensitive and just want a hug, I don't freakin' wanna be yelled at. She snapped at me because I had my fern outside the door of the apartment yesterday "AND IT HAD BEEN OUT THERE FOR A WEEK ALREADY, WHAT THE HELL WAS I PLANNING ON DOING WITH IT?" She snapped at me because "I ASKED HER TO PAY FOR THE STORAGE UNIT" even though I told her I was going to reimburse her on the 30th... (I needed to leave money in my account for my doctors visit today, refill my meds, and peppers vet visit).... Just little things and I'm not trying to make her sound evil, because she isn't, but I just needed to vent, because my feelings were quite hurt and she did make me cry... because it was out of character for her--but I realize that she has a lot on her plate.

On the plus side my meds seem to be working because I haven't flipped out or gone off the deep end through all of this, lol. YAY. Overall, I have a hey, it's all gonna work out attitude...

I took Jen and Lil Man with me to Fayetteville, NC for a couple of days to meet my Aunt Tom. She's actually my great Aunt... like 70 something now... and still lives down where I'm originally from (in the Fort Bragg, NC area)... so Jen saw a glimpse of that and got to meet one of my favorite ladies... she got to hear how she calls me "Tommy Elizabeth Darlin'" and Lil man didn't want to leave... he loved the in ground pool in the backyard... and the fact that my cousins (who are in their low 20s--actually her granddaughters she adopted from her son--had live in boyfriend/husbands) that had video game consoles they let him play...he was content...but kept calling her my Aunt Mom... until he figured out that she's the lady that I was named after and then it became a little easier for him.

She heard a few stories and got a few laughs and just had an overall relaxing visit...it was nice.

Today, my mom flies back in from Germany. Granted, she leaves on the first with my dad and aunt to go to Florida for a few days for some reunion, and Jen and I are in charge of dogsitting for her... no biggie, since by then, we'll live there anyway...

On Saturday afternoon I took Jen to a cookout I had been invited to. It was a small gathering of a few folks I went to high school with and hadn't seen in about 12 years... It actually turned out much better than I imagined. Jen enjoyed herself as well which I was relieved about. She heard stories I hadn't bargained on, but she got a kick out of, nonetheless... lol. She heard about my pot smoking days and how no one new except my friend Tony (who was present) because I was too busy being an overachiever, Senior class president, Prom Queen, Founder of my Youth group at church and such... lol...

I can remember posing for the Honors Society picture for the paper and the reporter asking how to spell my name and my friend Tony coming up behind and saying P-O-T-H-E-A-D.... and me going into a panic thinking oh my god, now everyone's going to know, lol... I haven't done that kind of stuff in years though, thank goodness because I'm pretty sure it contributed to my craziness, lol.

Anyway, It was a lot of fun, one of my friends was in from San Diego, the others were all local... one was in from Amsterdam, but she was unable to make it... nonetheless I'm glad that I stopped being a hermit (since high school I had avoided all of my friends from high school... I didn't know how to be around them... )

It was hard since the girls...one who was there for instance that I did hang out with, I was drinking with at a bar and we were watching her now husband play in the band... I had just come out of the closet and prior to this all the girls would go to the bathroom together, regardless of whether it was a one seater or multiple stalls... after I came out, all the girls stopped going to the bathroom with me, like I wanted their goodies or something.. being gay didn't change who I was... I had never put moves on them before the announcement, nor looked at their stuff... I had held their hair back while they puked and never once took advantage of them... but it just really hurt... and after that... the few that I hadn't written off from high school... well they were added to the list of folks I had nothing in common with.

I had spent so much of my life doing what everyone else wanted me to do and being what I thought everyone wanted me to be... it wasn't until later that I realized I could be whatever I wanted....

I'm thirty years old now and I may not have accomplished everything I thought I would by the this time... but you know what... I've accomplished a lot... I'm happy. I love my if they ever change the laws so that we can marry fiance, I love my son, I love my dog, I have a wonderful family, overall I'm a lucky person.... and I'm not on anyone's timeline but my own.

I'd say I'm moving up AND moving on.

at ease

2011-06-21T07:03:00.000-04:00

I got a text message that put my mind at ease... it hasn't solved all of my issues and concerns, fears, or doubts, but for that particular moment it was what I needed to hear. I told Jen what the message said, and she started to cry tears of relief... she stood up and gave me a hug...we had both been on the edge of our seats all weekend... worrying, sometimes in silence, sometimes acting as if we weren't but still thinking about it, wondering what ifs and the hows and whys of the universe...

Jen asked me on Saturday night what I pray about and I told her that I normally keep it fairly general... You see even before all this stuff happened with her work we had decided that something was missing in our lives and we both felt like it was a "church" setting... somewhere we could go and have a relationship with people that were like us... the church we find that I think i mentioned before, kind of does that...

Well it's interesting to me because I've never seen Jen pray prior to all this stuff, I've never seen her ask questions, or worry about whether she's praying the right way or not which is where that conversation led... she told me she didn't think she was doing it right... at which point I told her I didn't think you could do it incorrectly, you know... and I personally feel like you can have you own personal relationship with whomever you choose to identify with, whether you call him/her God, or whatever Name you come up with... it's a completely personal thing... and it's a one on one thing... I don't buy into the whole cookie cutter religions where there are doctrines and rules and one specific set of writings from a bazillion years ago is supposed to fit for ALL people in todays age... it just doesn't make sense to me how that could work... hey, for some it works, but for me, it doesn't...

That's why I like that I've found something that accepts ALL people... and allows you to believe whatever you want... because from the time I was in youth group at church something didn't sit right with me... I've always questioned things... I've always disagreed with a lot of other things... I dunno... I guess I just have this side to me that wanted more and wasn't content with what I was being spoon fed... now I'm plenty old enough to hold my own damn spoon and I'm doing just that...

But I digress and this isnt even the point of this blog... the point is that a simple text brought relief to both Jen and I, and though it doesn't solve everything that we are going through right now... it sure as hell is a step in the direction I wanna go...

Income, or the lack thereof

2011-06-15T07:15:00.001-04:00

The guy from corporate visited Jen yesterday afternoon, took her keys, told her to grab a few of her things if she had anything there and told her she was suspended. She called me on her way home. This was about two o'clock or so. She was pretty upset, which was to be expected, considering this was nearly a month after the initial crap went down with her employees "bucking" on her.

It was after 5:30 when her boss called her to "end their working relationship"... After 13 years with her company and now she has no job. Part of me wants to be positive and hopeful because I honestly DO believe that everything happens for a reason and that there IS something much better out there for her...BETTER hours... somewhere that she won't be working until 3 and 4 in the morning and have unreliable staff and no one that supports her or backs her up because they aren't paid crap ya know... however, there IS still that part of me that is freaking a little bit.

Granted I'm not lying when I'm hugging Jen and telling her I feel like everything we'll be fine, that we'll be fine... I mean hell, on the plus side we decided to NOT renew our lease so we don't have a rent payment due on the first... we're moving to my mom's til we figure out what's up... so at least there's that silver lining for now.

I know there are great things in our future...we just have to be patient enough and stay afloat long enough to get there... and I'm crossing my fingers that nothing crazy happens at my job until then... OH YEAH!!! I haven't even mentioned that in the land of blogger... my company was bought out and we have like no answers.... lol.

The company that bought it hasn't even seen our facility...it was an asset buy which includes the employees, but also means they can pick and chose which assets they want. Our CEO is implying that we should be okay until at least the end of our Holiday Season which is right around Thanksgiving (when our product is in stores...) but in reality, the new company, previously, our competition, has a bigger facility in NJ, so they could easily keep someone to oversee operations in their facility and wipe us all out all together... it's too soon to say and no one is saying shit. All I know is that I'm inventory control supervisor and I haven't been allowed to do any adjustments in the system since this announcement was made (obviously because it affects the accounting side of things as well) and we are supposed to do a physical inventory... were supposed to do one between April and Now and still havent and our season is supposed to start Mid July and they still haven't given me a date as to when we are going to do this...?!?!?!?!!? I dunno... just weird. Hey man, just keep the paychecks coming as long as you can you know...

So much unknown, so much unclear.... I just hope the other opportunity in my life actually allows itself to manifest into something greater....it would mean great things not just for me, but my family, and many many other people. My fingers are crossed and many prayers are being said. This morning I woke up and before I my feet hit the floor I said a prayer (I won't say to who or what because I consider myself more spiritual than religious)...

But I will say that I have started going to "church" more... I found a Unitarian Universalist Church to go to...The premise behind them basically is that you can believe whatever you want and they are respectful of everyone's religious views, even if they themselves don't believe them... it's hard to explain... but anyway, you can always google it... but the point is even little man likes it... we've only really been twice in a month because it fell over memorial day and then hurricane like weather that I wasn't going to drive in....

So this past Sunday... I had plans of going... Church starts at 11 (mind you its laid back, no crosses, hanging Jesuses or religious figurines or paraphenailia at all very neutral and you can wear cargo shorts or jeans and gays are welcome because ALL are welcome... so hello... that's what caught my attention and they are big on saving the environment, I dunno there's a lot of stuff I don't know yet, and I'm not trying to convert anyone, because I'm not even a UU...I've just been a couple of times...I'm just excited because after 11 years of not going to church because I wasn't welcome because i was gay, or I was tattooed, or I had pink hair, or my gf at the time looked like a man, or so on.... I gave up.. now... none of that matters, and I can have a spiritual experience rather than a religious one and deal with all the political bs... ) but I digress...

So anyway church (the sermon part) was to start at 11... I had the alarm set for 8:30... lil man (who was really disappointed we didn't drive thru the hurricane like rain to go the week before) woke me up at 6:30 to ensure that we were going to church... I assured him we were going and told him to go back to bed (mind you, pepper wasn't even ready to get up and go pee... she even knew it was the weekend and to sleep in...)... 15 minutes later he woke me up to see if it was okay to wear the t-shirt he was holding... yes dude, that shirt is fine, GO TO BED...15 minutes later, "are you sure we are still going?" DUDE!!! SERIOUSLY... I'M GLAD YOU ARE SUPER EXCITED TO GO TO CHURCH.... I NEVER WANTED TO GO TO CHURCH WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, BUT YOU'VE GOT TO CHILL OUT... GO WATCH SOME CARTOONS OR SOMETHING, LET ME SLEEP A LITTLE BIT LONGER OKAY... PLLLLLEEEEEEASSSSSE!!!! This continued every 15 minutes until 8 o'clock until he decided to go to his mom's side of the bed and ask her to fix him a bowl of cereal, which I still heard, so I just flung the covers back, went into the kitchen, fixed, took pepper out, came back in laid back down for a few, assured lil man that I would not oversleep (hence didn't really sleep) got up, dressed, sat on the couch with my eyes burning because mind you Jen worked late the night before and I stayed up late with her... and wishing someone would just shoot me at this point... but hell... I had a kid who wanted to go to church... I couldn't be but soooo pissy, you know...

All this stuff is happening... my mom is out of the country in Augsburg, Germany with my grandmother, visiting my Great Grandmother who still lives there (they are all from there)... they aren't supposed to come back until the end of the month so the only communication I have is either facebook or email... not really enough sometimes... you know... then my mom will fly back, just to turn around and drive to FL with my dad and aunt for some reunion with high school folks from Augsburg, Germany that now actually live in the US (guess they were all military kids or something, so I get to dogsit through the fourth of July, not like it will matter since I'll be living there anyway, lol...

I got a little long winded here, but the point was supposed to be that no matter whats going in my life right now, I'm quite lucky to have an amazing woman in my life, a little dude to share with her... a great family to fall back on... a dog that I love... opportunities, even if unforseen at the moment... everything happens for a reason... and in the long run, I really do believe that shit will work itself out and we will be okay ;)

Okay, I feel better now.

Personal Tasks...

2011-06-08T16:37:00.000-04:00

Jen brought to my attention something that I found disturbing. She told me that I'm always on her case. That's how she feels anyway... My interpretation is different of course, lol. You see, Jen is the laid back one in our relationship... the one who isn't bothered if the dishes don't get done immediately, or if things pileup or if a phone call doesn't get made or if something gets put off until the next day... where I am the anal retentive one in our relationship.

Granted I have (in my mind...and I hope she would agree) considerable better) in many areas... such as the cleaning and what not... but when she told me I'm always on her case I had to think back and I could think of some examples where I could see where she feels like that. Jen, did you pay your property tax; Jen, did you call in lil mans RX refill; Jen did you do this, Jen did you such and such; Jen did you write your resume yet?

Its difficult for me to not feel the need to remind her of things because historically she has not done things. Most recently was taking the rent check... She said she'd take it. I get home and it's still on the table, so I have to take it which wouldn't be a big deal...but it was already the 2nd... I get there and the office is already closed so when they get it it's the 3rd... okay, still not late (as far as fees go...but just the principle)...but I love her... so hey...

I asked her to call in a refill for lil man a few days before he ran out... I ended up calling it in... It shouldn't matter because we are a team, but I guess it just hurt my feelings because she made me feel like I was trying to be her mom and I wasn't ... It's just how I am... lol. If she's allowed to put stuff off all the time until she gets around to it, then why shouldn't I be allowed to ease my mind by reminding her to do things.

But in reality it doesn't ease my mind... it just bothers me if I ask her or I write it down and it doesn't get down, so really, I shouldn't really be anal about it in the first place you know. What is it really accomplishing? I can't do everything myself you know and I'm not saying I want to or that she is inadequate or incapable in anyway... it just caught me off guard is all.

I wrote her resume for her so that I would know it was done and with all the stuff going on with her work, her mind would be at ease as well and perhaps some of the tension would be alleviated off of her... plus, hell I'm the job hopper of the two of us...she's been with the same company for thirteen years..it's not like she has resume writing experience... I don't mind helping her out you know.

I am making it my personal project to work on not only my tone but how I remind her of things so that she doesn't feel like I'm constantly riding her ass. She's an adult. She doesn't need me to tell her what to do. I can't guarantee I'll not say something about the bills we have together, lol... but I'll try... baby steps you know.

New water to try...

2011-06-07T07:11:00.000-04:00

So I can't drink soda because of the medicines I'm on it makes them taste like liquid ass...and they aren't good for you anyway and I'm not normally one to buy water when you can get it free from the tap....BUT...I have some faves for when you do have to...

Up until now my favorite was always Smartwater and still is...I love that it doesn't taste like bottled water... plus it has electrolytes in it...

But I found this new stuff that is pretty good to if you are into flavored non-carbonated water without added calories and crap...the only thing is like 7.5 g sodium, which isn't bad AND it has vitamins which is a GOOD thing... it's called VBlast... I found it at 7-Eleven, but from what I understand it's supposed to be at a lot of places and according to it's website if you can't find it near you, then you can get it shipped directly to you with free shipping... a case of 12 is 19 something... when I did the math it's like a buck 66... which isn't too bad as long as you dont drink like four a day, lol... I pay $1.79 every now and then for one at 7-11 Which I think is highway robbery for water but I like the way it tastes and it quenches my thirst...and considering my newest medicine keeps me thirsty I'LL TAKE IT. lol...

My only complaint is that I haven't figured out how to drink out of the lid which looks like a sports cap... see you twist the cap and it squirts all the vitamin liquid into the spring water so your spring water turns colors and then it's ready to drink so... I dunno, I'm a little slow in that department... Other than that it's cool.

Check it out though.

Bulb drama

2011-06-07T06:29:00.000-04:00

So most of you guys know that I work in the flower bulb industry. No it isn't my number one passion but it's what I've been doing for the last year and a half... It consumes my life for about 8 months of the year... the majority of that for 80 hours a week, puts a great amount of pressure on my relationship with Jen... I never get to see her, spend time with her or lil man... I don't have a social life... my sleep schedule lacks due to it... my personal life lacks due to it, my everything lacks due to it... then there is a four month window where I don't do shit other than work four days a week, nine hours a day and just chill pretending to work hard... preparing for the upcoming ass raping that is the three peak seasons back to back.

I'd love nothing more than to have an opportunity fall in my lap right now and walk away from this place before July when the season starts again, for many reasons, but just because for one, this isn't my calling, my passion, or anything I really enjoy and most of all because at the end of the day, I don't feel like I've accomplished anything.

The moral of the story is that yesterday there was an all staff meeting called at which point that informed all 22 of us (yeah we are a huge company, lol) that we are no longer owned by the 4 billion dollar Belgium company that we've been owned by forever. You see we were their only US division. Their focus was fruits, vegetables, packaged foods, etc and huge bulb markets... out measly 22 million dollar operations was barely anything to register on their radar... so they decided to sell us.

So we were bought by one of our US competitors. The good news is that its a good fit and the we have one less competitor out there. And that this competitor has a huge presence in the US and in Canada--we haven't even made it into Canada... so for now we are operating as normal, same job functions, same pay, same day to day...hell, no one from the now parent company has even been to our company to see it... they just bought us because they knew our name, they knew what we were known for, they knew our customer base and they knew they wanted us.

I'm happy I still have a job even if it's not my dream one... but I am dreaming of brighter things on my horizon......every day...Until thing I'll keeping doing this stuff... Sweating my ass off in a hot ass warehouse being a red headed step child to the front office personnel who wouldn't dream of doing anything that requires them to get dirty, break a sweat, or lift anything that weighs more than a sheet of paper...

What they don't tell you is that if you get into anything that has to do with Operations you will be thought of as a "grunt" up until the point that you get to the point of say Director of Operations and even then you are still guilty by associations and not on the same level as your White collar colleagues... and that is the honest truth...

I've decided I want more tattoos... a sleeve that stops a little above where a watch would... that way when I'm CEO I can be in a serious meeting, roll my sleeves up and everyone will get a hint or my tats and be like, whoa... she's serious and has a bad ass side, we really don't wanna fuck with this broad...and then if they find out I'm gay on top of that... dude...IT'S GONNA BE ON LIKE DONKEY KONG, lol... Yeah, I have power issues... And... lol.

Life is good: A picture blog

2011-06-02T23:01:00.000-04:00

Mom's dog Earl stretched out on the couch, lol... gotta love it

Me and my motley crew, lol...

Sitting on the beach, chillaxin'...and actually reading a book, gasp...

Mr. Beach Diva

Lil man catches some air...

This dude loves the water...

Sometimes you just need a reminder... LIFE IS GOOD

Lil mans adventure

2011-06-02T22:51:00.000-04:00

So lil man caught his first fish this weekend...three of them, weighing three ounces each. My mom was with him to catch his first one... Santa was with him to catch one or two of the others... mom didn't tell him but she weighed in his fish and since their weren't many kids fishing... he ended up winning the youth portion of the NCBBA (North Carolina Beach Buggy Association) Tournament which totally surprised him and of course made me proud (as well as my mom...who he calls Grangie...he was clever and on his own combined Granny and Angie, lol)... He won a huge trophy for a kid, a rod and reel combo, and a coloring book. He was stoked.

It was an eventful weekend for him.

Very Exciting Stuff :)

intentions

2011-05-25T14:33:00.002-04:00

I'm feeling that repetitive thing that happens from time to time. You know where you're stuck on repeat and can't skip to the next track.

Step 1: Wake up
Step 2: Take Pill
Step 3: Pee
4: Take Pepper to Pee
5: Get dressed
6: Brush teeth
7: Wet hair
8: Wash Face
9: Consider putting product in hair...
10: Kiss Jen good bye (she's still sleeping)
11: Make sure Pepper has water
12: Head to work
13: Work for 9 to 12 hours depending on how many hours I need to make up
14: Come home
(Depending on the night of the week)
15: Help lil man with homework
OR
15: Cook Dinner
16: Clean Kitchen
17: Sometimes some laundry
18: Sometimes my times to makes sure lil man gets a bath
19: When lil man crashes then I grab a shower
20. TV time or computer time
21. Most of the time I'm ready to crash by now... Jen and I talk and hang out together
22. Take more pills
23. Bed
24. Repeat

(obviously there are a lot more take pepper to pee/poop trips that are just implied here)

Today my intentions are to do something different. I'm tired of feeling like I'm repeat. I'm tired of worrying all the time about things that are out of my control. I ordered some new books from amazon... they came yesterday... I'm going to grab my fabulous cantaloupe colored plastic adirondack chair from bed bath and beyond that I both about a month ago when my amended tax return check came and go sit outside with pepper in the 94 degree weather and just read. I don't care if I get bit by mosquitos... I have Off for that... I just want to unwind, clear my head and read. I never seem to take time for me anymore. Then I'm going to have dinner with my family and go about my normal repetitive day, and I'll be fine with that.

My normal saying is, It is what it is. I had never heard the rest of that statement until yesterday when I was on the phone with Jen's mom. She informed me that, "It is what it is, until you make something of it." I'm not sure who said it originally, but it totally puts a new spin on things you know...

FYI, I gave Pepper her first clipper cut the other day... Jen keeps calling her Beetlejuice because she has a big body and little head, but really she looks more like a lab than before... where she just had lab traits, shes cute either way and just did a wonderful job... I was impressed.

My intentions are also to work on revamping my resume and getting it out there. Now that Jen isn't happy in her working world.. there's nothing saying we can't start over wherever we want. I just have to find something that is going to pay for relocation. And a salary large enough to keep us afloat to get us out wherever and buy us enough time until she can find a job of her own, unless its a phenomenal job in which case she can stay at home and do the cooking and cleaning and work part time if she wants to and be there to put lil man on and off the bus from now until he can drive himself. Who knows.

But with a "it is what it is, until you make something of it" mentality, I'm damn tired of not making something of it... you know. My intentions are good, I just have to follow through with them. And quit this cookie cutter day bullshit.

I'm also going to try and quit talking about what I'd like to see happen because she just seems to be falling through way to much lately, fuck it.

30 today

2011-05-24T10:36:00.000-04:00

So I'm thirty today... it's just another day really... there is so much other stuff going on in my world really that it's the least of my concerns if you can believe it.

The house thing didn't work out (It was a blessing in disguise) our credit was fine, but we had a couple of things to clear up before getting the final approval... it really would have just taken a couple of months to have reached that point, but some things have gone down at Jen's work and we may very well be becoming a single family income soon... MINE (the smaller one of course)

I'm trying to stay positive of course but deep down I'm scared. I'm angry at the fuckers that initiated the stuff they did and really do hope that karma beats the living shit out of them, which I know it will in due time. I'm not going to go into specifics, out of respect for Jen and because the situation is still in the present and I can't...

Luckily June 30th marks the end of our lease so we just have to pay June rent and be done... we will probably end up moving to the country to my mom's house and stay there for a while...since my sister and niece moved... my mom has two rooms free which will be plenty of space for me, jen, and lil man to stay temporarily...

Another opportunity is trying to present itself and I really do hope it pans out... It involves a move to another state, a great job for Jen, us being closer to some of Jen's family (but not in colorado...) actually in a portion of new england... which will be a huge adjustment but a longtime dream of mine even though i am not a fan of the cold or snow hell...I am job hunting but if said opportunity pans out I have been offered a job as a nanny (older kids, no younger than second grade, which will also give me the chance to save Jen and I the money on child care for lil man... so time will tell) right now we're too scared out of our minds to know what's real and what's not...

I told the lady that if it does work out I don't want to be called a Nanny, simply on the grounds of it's lame, lol. I want to be called Director of domestic operations... she said she was fine with that there will be an emphasis on acquisitions (grocery shopping) and something else clever that I can't remember that meant getting the kids to school on time...

I'm not opposed to the nanny thing really. It will give me the chance to really focus on my mental health... granted I wont have medical insurance which will suck, but it will be okay... there are ways to work with that... but I can also go back to school for my masters if I decide to and I can seriously work towards becoming a writer like I've always wanted to. Sure I blog all the time... which hell I could do a lot more... but I want to actually write... like a book. And I could do that. I could exercise during the day... I could do all kinds of stuff during the day.

I could be a homemaker. I could have dinner ready everyday when Jen got home... how cute would that be. I dunno there are a lot of coulds...but even more what ifs... I know that no matter what life throws at us right now we'll figure it out and work through it... that's just how we are... we're tough and we have each others back. We're dreamers as well and we have good intentions. I'd like to see a lot of things happen but I'm not going to lose sight of reality in the process you know...

For now, I've gotta be Jen's rock... or better yet her boulder. I won't let her buy me a birthday present because obviously money is potentially going to be very tight very very soon. But even so, we aren't going to stop living. This weekend has been planned since last year... we are going to hatteras, NC and we are using any birthday money to get down there... if she still has a job by this weekend then she'll go down after me and lil man... we are going from Friday to Monday... she'll probably go from Saturday night to Monday ... the point is... we are going to go, relax and unwind... leave our worries behind, stick our feet in the sand and let the waves wash away our unrest...

Everything happens for a reason.

"Problems are opportunities with thorns on them." - Hugh Miller

Cross your fingers

2011-05-13T21:03:00.000-04:00

Jen and I have been on the hunt for a place to live as our lease is up at the end of June. Well you see I got a wild hair up my ass and decided that I'd like to look into buying a house and Jen was totally on board. So cross your fingers. we don't know that we'll even be approved for a loan, but we're at the point of hell don't know until you try. I'm excited and scared all at the same time.

I have a couple of houses in mind but I refuse to go and look at the houses without knowing whether or not we can buy it or not because I'll just be broken hearted you know. Worse case scenario, we just go back to looking for places to rent.

Lol. My aunt is an agent and is helping us. She hasn't acknowledged Jen and my engagement and has made several mentions that we should talk to the loan officer of the legalities of what to do if three years down the road Jen and I arent together, what to do, since we'll both own the house... um hello... it'd be the same if it happened to a hetero couple... she kills me with this crap... She's my dads brothers wife and has never accepted my being gay, but hey, she's helping me out so far so like I said, let's just keep our fingers crossed.

I even looked into my 401k which doesn't have much in it for money down I feel like such a grown up right now with it beign only a couple of weeks before my thirtieth birthday... folks if this works out in Jen and my favor, all I gotta say is that Chad gets to pick out the color to paint his room, Pepper is getting a new bandana and a new pet bed, Jen will get a desk and I'M GETTING A TOOL BELT, lol...

my bubble was burst

2011-05-13T20:45:00.000-04:00

I got the urge to bake and found myself making a peach crisp. I realized in the process that I didn't even know if I like peach crisp or not or I was in the mood to eat peach crisp...I just wanted to bake. Well... in the process... lil man came in the kitchen and was telling me about this show that he likes called Hole in the Wall... where basically people have to fit through randomly shaped holes in walls. He informed me that if we went on the show that I wouldn't fit through the holes which he didn't mean as awful as it sounds i'm sure but I was having an overly sensitive moment and I could have cried right there. I finished making my peach crisp and didn't eat it, so I still dont know if I like it or not lol...

Later my sister text me to let me know that she hit her fifty pound weight loss... we started weight watchers at the same time... she stuck with it (I only did it for her and was never really into it...) and then she moved... she likes it because she drops weight quicker than me and then she can rub it in my face which bums me out even more which in turns makes me just want to eat more...

boo. Yep. My bubble was for sure burst. Fuck it. I haven't convinced myself to go to the gym yet. I'm not on a magically refreshing diet. I dont have just pounds falling off me... but you know what in the long run it'll just work it self out.

a change

2011-05-12T10:08:00.000-04:00

As always it came time for a change. I'm surprised it took as long as it did, but I've learned to not rush these things and to just let things play out naturally... I know myself well enough to know that it will eventually happen. This time it came in the form of hair color. Quite common for me and QUITE overdue. I've gone months looking rather drab and well normal. And let's face it... anyone who knows me or hell even just "read" me, knows that "normal" for me, is just a setting on the washing machine and nothing more. Today's color of choice MAGENTA. No two tone fabulousness... a simple LOUD blinding when the sun hits it permanent Magenta... and I love it. I feel quite revived with it like this. I also went out last night and got my nose pierced... something that has been on my agenda for months and months but something I've been putting off ... well it's done.

I went to bath and body works and bought a new smell and used the gift card my brother had given me for christmas toward it... I opted for Butterfly flowers I've never been one to use body washes because I felt it was ridiculous considering I would have to use something different on my cooter... I never liked the thought of something perfuming mixing with naturally scented coother and just having some weird concocted smell happening so it meant extra work in the shower and I just wasnt willing to do that... but since a couple of months ago since the crotch doctor made me swear off washing princess high maintenance hooha with soap I have ventured to sometimes using body washes and even treating myself to one of those little colorful poof things which apparently I deprived myself from before... WHAT? Yes, I have theories on those too... like they shouldn't be used in butt cracks... don't fucking judge me... you don't know me... but anyway, I digress... I also don't wear thongs because I feel like the size of my underwear should be be proportionate to the size of my ass... but with that being said, no I don't go to Omar the tent maker to get my drawls made either... I still wear sexy drawls (I hate the word panties, I actually despise it and think it should be removed from the human vocabulary, it and the word twat, but I'm sure there are more important battles to be fought right now)... and I'm getting totally off subject right now damn you...

So anyway, I have awesome hair and a nose ring again (I used to have it done back in the day, along with an eyebrow ring, my monroe pierced, my ninnies pierced, and my tongue.... though not necessarily all at the same time... plus I'm at about 14 or 15 tattoos now... which I need more money for...Id eventually like to have a sleeve... lol... I'm going to be a CEO of a Fortune 500 company with at least one tattooed sleeve, lol.)

But anyway...where was I even going with this blog.... I dont remember...

I need to go tomorrow on my day off and renew my drivers license since I turn 30 towards the end of this month... it's about that time... lol. For now... I've been working on finding a place for Jen and I to live since our lease is up at the end of June... Lil man leaves in mid-June to visit jen's parents for a while since his dad is in Iraq he gets the rare opportunity to spend time with them rather than with his dad, and then he'll spend a 2 weeks with this step mom and then a couple weeks with his dad and step mom while his 2nd sibling (his dads 3rd kid incl. lil man is born...are you able to follow all that...)... its complicated... Im just glad he gets time with his grandparents and he's stoked about it and then he'll be back in time to start school... second grade...

Woohoo...it's my friday...I'm going to watch a movie at my desk, lol...

redneck

2011-05-02T17:27:00.000-04:00

I'm a redneck. No, literally--I got sunburned this weekend while having a yard sale... my neck is fried and so are my ears and the right side of my face.... funny how my glow in the dark white ass neglected to put sunscreen on such prime areas.

I'm bummed. My sister moved. It was her idea to have the yard sale. She called me on Monday and told me that if I hadn't taken time off of work to not do it because she'd be moving on Friday. So yeah, she's gone and she took my beautiful niece with her. I didn't even get to say goodbye. I would have, but I was driving Jen's vehicle so I could transport tables for said yard sale which I opted to not cancel because I wanted to make a few bucks and I ended up putting 70 dollars in said vehicle, RIDICULOUS over the course of the week.

I dunno I just hope she's happy and everything works out for her.

For now, I'm just going to pout, it's just what I feel like doing. I have four minutes left of my work day, I'm thinking if I walk real slow, maybe swing by the bathroom and what not by the time I get to the time clock it will be time to go.

I have a lot on my mind these days, but I think it's just better if I keep it to myself rather than suck the life out of whomever may choose to read my pointless rants.

Hope you're having a swell day.

I survived and she said yes :)

2011-04-25T17:48:00.000-04:00

I survived my week in Colorado, though the last couple of days did get a little big sketchy...only because I was on edge and getting a wee bit stir crazy. I mean hell, I went an entire week without saying the work fuck aloud or any other cus word for that matter and I was serious feeling the effects... HARSH.

Jen's family is nothing like mine, which is not a bad thing, and I respect her and her family so I didn't go out there like my normal sailor over the top super gay self... I toned it down A LOT. It nearly killed me. Her mother would later comment that she missed having me around because I treat her with respect and actually listen with respect and talk to her... and would tell me to call her whenever I need to talk and we even worked through a huge obstacle where I disappointed her as well as her daughter a while ago... so I made huge progress with "mom"... her mom is still very intimidating and has a very serious poker face... and I guess I always considered her more difficult to talk to due to the age difference between her and my mother perhaps...she's in her mid or late sixties where my mom is only 50... but I digress... I love her mom to death... Her dad is quiet and easily unnerved at something as simple as a tampax commercial so I tried to not slip up too much around him...

I met her sister and her brother ... her sister fell in love with me almost instantly... she thought I was hilarious and at one point mentioned wanting to date me (though was only kidding because she doesn't swing that way... plus she isn't my type and has way too many kids, lol)... all her kids, Jen's nephews and niece love me, the youngest was the hardest to crack, but by the end of the week was on board and thought I was cool... he would have liked me more if I was into video games...which Im not. That's Jen's thing. Her brother I only met and hung out with for a day, and he's a tough cookie...the oldest out of all of them, in his forties I think, I dunno for sure.... but very stoic and poker facish, but I think I won him over as well...if not, oh well, I think I did well enough. My first full day there was a cook out where I met the extended family (talk about overwhelming)... Jen had asked her mom how to introduce me and for a second I was almost going to have to be the special friend which I didn't agree with at all, but I wasn't going to show my ass the first day there, you know... that would have made for an awkward week.... I told jen I didn't agree with it and she talked to her mom again who then said, not to lie, but to not disrespect her dad (because it was all his family) and for us to not make out and be groping on each other in front of everyone (which hello, we don't do anyway, in public)... so I was introduced to her family (some of which hadn't seen her since her wedding as her partner...) they didn't seem very phased by it. Overall it went well.

I had planned for a long while before this trip to ask Jen to marry me. I had ordered the rings, but had been having problems with my mail and wasn't sure they'd make it in time. Luckily, they came while Jen was in Vegas for work. I told my mom and dad, sister and brother and best friend what my intentions were and they supported me whole heartedly... all of them love Jen... they didn't give me any crap, no smart ass comments, nothing, just one hundred percent support. The trick was going to be getting Jen alone to pop the question and carry out my plan.

I had every intention of asking her mom prior to doing it, but even when I was alone with her mom working things out with her and just having talks with her or eating the best mexican food EVER made (Jen's mom is a wicked great cook)... (jen is hispanic if i neglected to mention that, she just looks white, lol) (we're talking, tostadas, enchiladas, salsa, patitza, sopapilla, etc), I chickened out...

So anyway, Thursday rolls around and I had been trying to get Jen to go to the movies with me all week...every single time she was just like, ugh, we'll just go tomorrow and we'd do something with her niece and nephews...I wouldn't push the issues because I wanted her to spend time with her family, that was the whole reason we were in Colorado to begin with. I called my mom that morning and she was like, "so did you ask her yet" I laughed and was like, hmph, yeah, haven't had her to myself yet, so no, but I'll call you..." Mind you, I took my scissors to do hair as a way to bribe people into liking me while I'm out there, just in case, lol... On my vacation I did, a bang trim, foiled in highlights, a blowdry and style, an eyebrow and eyelash tint, two male hair cuts (a faux hawk like mine and one like the new zack efron) and a bank trim), plus a few straightenings and a hairstyles, lol... by thursday I proclaimed NO MORE... cuz I did them all for free, which I didn't mind because I do the same type of crap for my family...it's just how the life of a cosmetologist goes, lol. But I digress...

So we went to see Limitless, which I felt was fitting for my plan because as lame as it may sound to the normal person I feel that Jen and my relationship is just that, Limitless...

We got a drink to share and a bucket of popcorn. My plan was to drop the ring (which i had strategically placed in a miniature plastic baggy down into the popcorn while we were eating it, have her find it freak out and keep it moving. Well in reality, neither of us really eat much popcorn so I pulled the ring out of my pocket nonchalantly... had it balled up in the palm of my hand, used said hand to eat a couple of pieces of popcorn and using my peripherals, waited until I knew she was really into the last trailer and laid the baggy down on top of the popcorn... it took a few minutes to realize it was there... and then she switched into general manager of a movie theatre mode. I could see the wheels turning. She would later tell me she thought that a piece of the popper fell into the popcorn while the girl was scooping it and the girl was going to get into trouble, but no popper pieces are that round... blah blah blah, she said, "what is this..." I said, You know what that is.... Her wheels were still turning...

After what felt like forever I leaned and and asked her if she'd spend the rest of her life with me, to which she chuckled, because it then dawned on her and she smiled and she said yes... I pulled the ring out of the bag and put it on her finger. As the movie started she said, I don't even want to see a movie now.

I told her to sit her ass back and enjoy the movie because it took me flying five states away to get her to come see a movie with me, we were going to watch this freaking movie lol.

You see Jen manages a movie theatre and works on the most common date nights... I have off the most common date nights and normally shes not in the mood to see a move in a theatre, especially hers where we can see them for free when she does want to see them and moves are expensive otherwise so its a vicious cycle... so i watch lil man on the weekends while she works and if I see a movie it's generally animated...

The reason I wanted to do the whole movie proposal is because the first time I really met her, met her was in her theatre... she had super long hair then and she was soo nervous but still managed to be power tripping which I love about her when I go to her job, lol...

I dunno... it's hard to explain, but she said yes, her family, though not super emotional folks are happy about it and for us... she's happy about it and I'M FREAKING ECSTATIC. lol. I told my sister who like like YAY, my brother was like, woohoo, my mom was like AWESOME, my dad was like WORD... etc... it was just good vibes all around... we havent made plans and aren't rushing that aspect of things...hell we don't even live in a state where its legal. DC is the closest place for all of that...

So anyway, like I said, I survived and she said yes...now if I can just get over this jet lag we'll be okay.

a day off

2011-04-12T21:16:00.000-04:00

I took the day off today. I didn't accomplish a whole lot, but put lil man on the bus and went back to bed. Went to the gym and got my picture taken for my ID and worked out with my sister who went as my guest. I like that gym...it's a Planet Fitness, so it's a "Judgement Free Zone" that's a load of crap in itself, but I still went in and worked out and didn't die, so that's a plus.

I skipped my weight watchers meeting tonight because I need all my 12 dollars I have for my upcoming trip, lol. (Which is how I'm justifying the nine I spent for mine and lil man's trip to McDonalds for dinner because I wanted to let Pepper take a car ride and I was too lazy to cook after my afternoon nap)

The washer was fixed this afternoon... a whole bunch of random crap was sucked up the drain which is why it wouldnt drain, a quarter, a stylus for a nintendo ds, some bobby pin like apparatus... who knows what else he found stuck up in there... unfortunately when pulling it all out, he ripped the drain thing so we have a smal leak, but we can at least use the washer until the part comes in. We also have our two screens on order. I sent the email last night becuase 2 our 3 screens are bent like someone tried to break in at some point (before we moved in because it's been like for a while, but was never an issue because the weather wasn't nice enough to open the windows and since we moved in July we had the a/c running--haha...since Jen is from CO... she moved out here and let's just say the humidity puts her over the edge and normally I cant talk her into have the windows open, but the weather/humidity havent been bad yet, just the pollen has...

I took Pepper for her evening walk which she oh so enjoys and it helps her sleep... speaking of pepper, her feet smell like popcorn.

im out.

horrors of a high maintenance hoo-ha

2011-04-12T00:49:00.000-04:00

so I'm not afraid to overshare when it comes to my hoo-ha and quite frankly I feel the need to overshare right now.

You see, I've decided to name my vagina Helga. Yes, Helga of all things. Helga, I picture her being part German, having a unabrow, being the decendant of vikings somewhere in her bloodline... and granted i'm sure this is painting no pretty picture of my vagina and well quite frankly I don't care what type of friggin mental image you have of my hoo ha since the only image that matters is my real life view (and feel) and Jen's take on the matter and she has not complaints... but I digress, I'm sure there's a point coming somewhere along the way here... I think helga would be the type to bully people on the playground and steal lunch money too...but I don't know that thats either here nor there....

I've had a long history of frequent yeast infections. Okay stop. Side note. Not like the icky immediate mental picture that may have popped in your head with the whole cottage cheese thing happening... hell it's barely even an itch... I'm an exception to the rule... but I will tell you, I refuse, REFUSE to eat Ricotta cheese on the grounds of my lifestyle and what the fuck it looks like... I also don't eat cottage cheese, but that's a texture thing and i just don't like how it feels in my mouth, may also be subconsciously related, i dunno.

So anyway, back to my five star bakery vagina... So anyway, the crotch doc always tests for diabetes because of the frequency of these infections and always NOTHING... no explanation. Well a little over a month ago I went to the crotch doc for the worst situation I've ever faced in my entire life. I thought for sure I was going to die from vaginal death. My hoo-ha was irritated and HATED me. and felt like I had take a box cutter to it and just sliced it up. I couldnt touch it. It hurt to wipe, it hurt to pee, and if jen even thought of trying to get me in the mood I threatened to kill her. It hurt to wash it and I forgot one night and sprayed it with the spray nozzle we have in the shower and it brought tears to my eyes and my knees buckled and I thought for sure i'd pass out in the shower... took my breath away even.

I thought for sure the doc was going to tell me that something was seriously wrong with me... I was thinking karma was coming to get me for sure... I was preparing for the worst. She gets down there and takes a look at it and saw the irritation and verified the usual culprit...yeast. (yeah, i know, who the hell blogs about this shit... hey you know what I DO... SO WHATEVER).... Mind you, I had just been treated for one less than three months earlier.... her focus was less on the inside and more on the outside and she was like omg, you've got sores....

SORES!!! Okay, she apologized, sores is a bad word to use, not sores, like herpes sores (she chuckled...) really lady...not funny, but like TINY LITTLE PAPER CUTS .... tiny little paper cuts on my hoo-ha... no fucking wonder it hurts for air to hit it....

It turns out that i have very fair skin down there and that soap just doesn't agree with it. Soap is washing away all the good bacteria, apparently a very common thing for a lot of women... So from this point the conversation went like this....:

Dr: You have very fair skin, i'll prescribe you a pill for the yeast and a cream to help with the irritation to get things back under control, you'll feel 300 percent better by sunday (this was on a friday)

me: awesome

dr: and stop using soap

Me: Okay, what do i use instead of soap

dr: nothing, just water

Me: laughing, no really, what do i use instead of soap (expecting ashton kutcher to come jumping out from behind the poster of the female reproductive system at any moment)--she couldn't be fucking serious

dr: You don't wash your eye balls do you, you don't wash the inside of your nose do you?

me: no, they arent MY VAGINA...

dr: chuckles... wash the rest of your body, the soap will run through and over it, it will work out, trust me

me: do you ever have dinner parties?

dr: occassionally, why?

me: would you serve your guests off of dirty plates?

dr: no, why?

me: did I mention I'm a lesbian?

dr: laughs... you'll be fine, trust me, it will work out

me: I'll try it but I'm just picturing a clambake, I'm guessing sleeping with no undies is still a good idea

Dr; yes and when you get out of the shower when you blow dry your hair, blow dry that hair too

Me: (I had nothing clever to say here, considering if you see how short my hair is, it's fucking obvious, i'm not blowdrying shit...)... not to mention who the fuck has time to blow dry pubes... i'd shave the bitches completley off, but i'm just not into that... i like some hair... not like wooly mammoth thick, but not like kindergarten either....

Anyway...you see where this is headed.... I tried not using soap on my hoo-ha for like three days... and just felt gamey... I couldnt do it... except now... a month later I'm in a similar predicament... with an irriated hooha so I'ma have to find a compromise, I'm looking for suggestions. Nonsoap, but something suggestions. I need to feel like my vagina is clean I WORK IN A DAMN WAREHOUSE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND SWEAT ALL DAY I'm not just trying to splash water on her and call it a day you know...but soap pisses her off...

HELP. HELP. HELGA NEEDS HELP.

random thoughts

2011-04-11T22:58:00.000-04:00

i need to pluck my chin hairs, or at least shave the bitches cuz I'm LAZY.

jen landed safely in Vegas about 630 pm my time... so she'll be back on Friday.... then we pack up and fly out on Saturday to Fly out to Colorado to see her family, which she hasn't seen in over 2 years... whom I've met once when we first started dating :) This will be the first time in long time that her parents will have all her their kids together so it's kind of a big deal.

we were planning a trip down to El Paso, Tx... she has friends there from a previous life, lol... thats where lil man's from... and where she used to work... but due to the price of gas to drive from CO to TX...it's going to depend on whether or not she wins some money while in Vegas for her work thing or not. (Crossing my fingers...cuz I'd like to be able to see that part of her life...but if not this trip, then I'll get this chance eventually)...

I took lil man with me to work after getting him off the work today.... he got to "play with the forklift", by play I mean sit on with the key not in it... he wanted to drive it and I wouldn't let him... he didn't understand why you had to have a license or anything having to do with OSHA... he just wanted to know what the beach had to do with it, lol.

I love, repeat LOVE Froot Loops with Marsh Mallows.

I'm exhausted and need a hot bath. My eyes are itchy as hell from the pollen out here... everyone's cars are coated in yellow.

i'm happy overall, I just gotta get my eating in check. i havent been counting points with weight watchers and i'm skipping tomorrows meeting because i just refuse to spend 12 bucks i dont have for a gain... I mean hell, there's a whole lot of adjustments going on right now in my world. I just wish it was as easy as flipping a switch like switch on and I was addicted to eating healthy and working out. how do people do it. I've got 100 pounds to lose (not over night obviously) but I just can't wrap my head around how people just change their whole lifestyle like it's nothing... ya' know... it's crazy.

Me and Jen (most recent)

Pepper sleeping on the couch, yes that's black duct tape on the couch... that's how we roll, lol.

Jen and Pepper....

Jen and my niece Charley, now over 18 months old

I think that's it for now.

speechless?

2011-04-05T15:47:00.000-04:00

It's funny to me really. The transition. I feel almost at a loss for words...but really I just don't have anything to say and to be honest I feel there is a difference.

You see, I've been trying to get my mind right. For my sake and the sanity of those that love and care for me, I began this process well over a month ago... this process for me means medication. Lol. I've mentioned it before and I while I try to segregate specific discussions to my other blog... I feel this is relevant. The transition I am referring to is that of becoming "balanced."

You see the me that most everyone knows, is NOT medicated. And 75 percent of the time I can keep myself in check, only falling off the wagon and doing dumb shit a small portion of the time and doing REALLY dumb shit that I can justify in my head at any given moment an even smaller portion of the time... On a scale of 1 to 10 I spend most of my time in a 5-6 range, my story telling and fun self ventures as high up to an 8 without getting out of hand while my sad self gets down to a 3 before I feel like hurting myself....

The point of this whole numbers game is now that I'm "balanced or at least in the process... I'm getting nothing but weird feed back from EVERYONE. I feel like such an outsider. I feel alienated from everyone which in part has made it so difficult to stay on medication in the first place. The only fucking fun part of being bipolar is that it makes you more animated when it comes time to tell a story you know...

When you no longer jump from a 3 to a 7 to a 5 to a 6 to a 4 to a so on... and you consistently stay at a 5 to a 5.5... everyone spends there time asking you shit like, "what's wrong?", "what's on your mind?" "You don't have much to say..." etc etc etc... "Why are you being so short with me?" Um, I didn't say anything, how am I being short with you...

Am I at a loss for words or do I just have nothing to say? Doesn't mean I'm not engaged and certainly doesn't make me unhappy....

This is just a process... a transition... it doesnt happen overnight and it's gonna take some getting used to. Hell lets face it... I've never really stuck with this whole medication thing... I've gotta stick with it sometime and since I've got a second chance with the woman I love the only way I know i'm gonna NOT fuck it up is to definitely stay medicated, avoid super manic modes which lead to me doing really impulsive out of the ordinary shit that i would typically SO TOTALLY NOT FUCKING NORMALLY TYPICALLY DO.

A story about a woman

2011-03-01T23:11:00.000-05:00

I want to tell a story. A story about a wonderful woman. Her name is Jen and well she hasn't been mentioned as much as she used to be in my blogs for several reasons. The most obviously being that we aren't actually together.

Let me tell you about Jen. Jen and I dated for over two years before we broke up (my doing), I had intended on asking her to spend the rest of her life with me on our second anniversary...had it mapped out in my head how I would do it and what not... but to keep it simply--things got complicated. We grew apart, had expectations of the other that neither of us could fulfill and what not. I broke Jen's heart and was sure that Jen would eventually get to the point that she would want nothing whatsoever to do with me.

Well it turns out that Jen is the exception to every person I have ever dated in my entire life. You see Jen forgave me despite how brutally I ripped her heart out. Jen never stopped loving me, even when I stopped loving myself. We don't live together right now, and we both agree that it's for the best... you see she has things she needs to work on for herself and I have plenty of my own demons to harness... but we are both confident that once we fix ourselves as individuals, we have a chance to have an even more intense relationship that we did the first go round.

When I told Jen in shame that I was seeing a therapist and eventually shared with her about seeing a psychiatrist to get my bipolar disorder under control, she did research to try and help, and to be there for me.

We always had incredible sex, but over the last few months, with all the walls coming down and a "nothing to lose attitude" I've seen a dirtier, kinkier side to her which is incredible in my opinion and I've opened up a great deal more myself... but this blog isn't to focus on our sex life....

It is for me to share with you details about a woman who I can once again say is phenomenal. I say once again, because for a while I lost sight of why she was/is important to me. For a while I got lost in the darkness that is my "low" I didn't even see many of the red flags that i normally do until it was entirely too late. I can't blame it all on being bipolar... I have to blame it on not communicating with my partner... among other issues.

But back to the point. The most recent example of why I love this woman and hope to eventually spend the rest of my life with is because she had arranged with a friend of the family to drive 12 hours through the night to be with me at my grandpa's funeral tomorrow. She was going to go to the funeral, turn around grab a bite to eat and then drive another 12 hours through the night in order to make it to work and get the family friend back to his wife who is in the hospital.

Unfortunately, the family friend (Santa, whose hair I do) has to have another procedure or blood transfusioin early am thursday so he won't be able to carpool with Jen. I cried this morning as I made Jen promise she wouldn't make the trip on her own. You see the anxiety of her coming with lack of sleep was already killing me...but the thought of her doing it ALONE and on unfamiliar roads...well I'm already dealing with my grandpa and uncle dying this week, I can't handle losing her too....I just don't have it in me.

The intention she had was great however and what a wonderful gesture... I think the gesture is enough. That and knowing that when I get home at the end of this week that I can pack a bag, go to her apartment, wait for her to get off of work and then lay in her arms and cry my ass off if necessary. I love her.

Jen--I'm sorry for everything I've done, you didn't deserve any of it.

the hardest part

2011-03-01T22:52:00.000-05:00

The hardest part of dealing with the death of my grandfather has been discovered recently...the people. Yes the gobs of family members coming in from out of state and stopping by my grandmothers house before going to their hotel....

At my grandmothers house on a normal day there is me, my sister, brother, mom, dad, aunt, uncle, grandma, 3 cousins, and my uncles ex wife, oh and my sister in law and three dogs. A LOT OF FOLKS. Then more people come, they are loud, they drink whiskey, get louder, and I retreat. I just want to hide. I want to go home and pretend like none of this whole death thing even happened.

I woke up this morning and just wanted to cry, for no apparent reason... probably pms, who knows. Something else that has been bothering me is my mom. Granted my mom lost her dad where I lost my grandfather so I have to imagine it's harder for her on a totally different level. But it's hard not having her be there for me. I can't be selfish because this is a time that I need to be there for her...but I still feel justified in my feelings being hurt.

You see earlier today I was trying to tell her a story and started to get upset. When I get upset I pause in my story telling to get my mind right and avoid crying and then proceed today...she just got agitated with this as if i was wasting her time and she didnt care anyway... she's been doing this alot lately... I just feel out of sorts with her and I cant help but be sensitive right now.

She got upset and retreated to the back bedroom. I went and gave her a hug and she told me that she was happy she had just seen him a couple of months prior to his passing and how she didn't expect to lose him so quickly.... for her it comes and goes in waves and it breaks my heart to see her cry. At the same time I'm trying to not cry because I don't want to bother anyone else with my feelings. I guess for now, I'll just blog. I'll make it through the funeral tomorrow, go home on Thursday, and then turn around and potentially drive down to NC to attend my uncles funeral. It's becoming more and more real everyday...that I do not like.

On this day

2011-02-26T23:03:00.000-05:00

I'm sure I'll blog more another day, but I just wanted to share that today my grandfather passed away. He was seventy years old. Before today I never knew he had been awarded a Bronze Star... thought that was pretty cool.

Also today, My Uncle Gene passed away. The two departed within a half hour of each other.

A lot to take in and process... I know that they are both in a better place, but still I'm selfish and would have much rather kept them here.

For now, I need sleep. The 12 hour drive to get here wore me out.

Mixed Emotions

2011-02-22T21:18:00.000-05:00

This has been an interesting week so far and it's only Tuesday. I'm going recap in chronocological order, not because any one event is more important the next, but because I'm so scatterbrained right now I'd never get it all out otherwise.

Monday was an excellent day--and for a Monday, well in my world, that is completely freaking unheard of. I got to work, was actually working when my bossed called my cell phone and said he needed to see me upstairs in the office. I made a wise crack about, ugh...what'd i do this time...but went anyway.

Turns out I'm getting a raise--SWEET. My evaluation isn't complete yet, but they know I did at least mediocre and since the increase is effective 1/1/11... they only want to have to back pay so much... so this week when I get paid, I'll have a lil extra cash....NO COMPLAINTS FROM ME....

Monday afternoon brought some less than awesome news with my Grandfather going into the hospital for what they thought was a heart attack. This morning my mom and aunt left for Kentucky to be with him (their dad) and to be there for my grandmother. The update at that point was that he had had a good night, but was fighting the tubes so he was sedated and still critical, and yes it had been a heart attack, plus he has pneumonia.

This evening I went to my weight watchers meeting. I had joined a week ago with my sister and tonight was my first weigh in to see if I had lost anything. My sister stuck with the plan to a T an even worked out some... I however did baby steps and cut out fast food this week and my favorite of all things PEPSI... I made better decisions overall, but didn't track my points nearly as well as I should have. Moment of truth, my sister gets on the scale (I held Charley, since mom was out of town, we had no babysitter)... she was down 12.8 pounds IN ONE WEEK. Freaking spectacular.... I was super proud (she's a lil more motivated than me in the sense that she vowed she wasn't having sex again until she lost 50 pounds, she's now 20 pounds into her goal... and fiending..funny the things that motivate folks. I thought of considering the same approach but decided that was dumb considering I just don't have enough hours in the day to constitute the number of times I'd have to rub one out in addition to what I already do...

I got on the scale and .... lost 5.6 pounds this week. For me, THAT'S AMAZING. I'm rather proud... I'm thinking of starting a weightloss blog so that I can blog about all this boring shit there and not force everyone who reads my blog to read stuff like that... I dunno. The weight watcher meeting ran long so there was no celebration portion...normally you get recognized for such things as, 5 lbs, 10 lbs, 5 pecent or 10 percent of your body weight lost... BUT NOOOOOOO!!!! Not this week... I was bummed... I'ma have to buy my sister a sticker because I think she did a phenomenal job.

On the way out of the meeting my sister called my mom because she knew that we'd get a celebration from her and she'd say YAYYYYYYYY!!!! for us and boost our egos... however when I saw my sister's eyes watering up I knew that that wasn't going to be the case.

It turns out that my grandfather's heart isn't strong enough to pump and fight the pnuemonia... and since he needs the oxygen to breathe...it's really the machines keeping him alive. The lung specialist is due in the morning at which point my mom will be able to call me and give me an update and let me know what's up... and if I'm going to be making a trip to KY. This of course makes me very very sad.

It also brings me to another issue that i"m having that I have created another blog for, but have not posted to yet... You see I'm bipolar. I've denied it for years and even played it off as a hormone imbalance or just being a Gemini...but not the case. I just hate feeling crazy. I'm not crazy, just CHEMICALLY IMBALANCED, not my fucking fault, doesn't make me any less of a wonderful freaking person you know. But i digress.

In 2004, my other Grandfather passed away... I had been in a similar state of mind where I am now prior to this happening and was crushed when he died. (breif story, I'm a rapid cycling bipolar person which means my moods change frequently... but every 2 to 3 years I hit a point where I get extremely depressed and since I never stay on medication, this becomes extremely difficult to deal with... I'll go into detail later on on my other blog, but for now, just trying to have this all make sense.)....

Well I had an appointment to see a psychiatrist yesterday but the doctor was sick, so she rescheduled. The point of the visit was to get back on medication and stop fucking up my life royally, (i.e. my relationship, potentially my job, my everything in general.... I do this self sabotage thing whenever something is going really well in my life, a whole other blog in itself)... Something came up at work last week and I tried to reschedule the appointment and the next available appointment wasn't until March 17...NO GOOD. So anyway, I guess that since the doc was sick, they were more willing to get me in in a timely fashion so my appointment was bumped up to Wednesday (tomorrow)...

By this point I'm sure you are wondering why the fuck this is even relevant.... Well I found myself riding in the passenger seat headed home from weight watchers when I just started crying. My sister had just stopped crying from the news of our grandpa, and she asked me if I was alright... I cried/laughed and said, "you know, it's fucked up, but all I can think is THANK GOD I DIDN'T RESCHEDULE MY DR APPT TO THE 17TH OF MARCH... I WOULDN'T HAVE FUCKING MADE IT" I mean hell, it was a month after my grandpa died that I voluntarily committed myself for a couple of days to the nut house because after a talk with my therapist at the time she gave me the option of doing it on my own or her doing it and then i wouldn't have a say as to when the hell I was getting out. (at the time I was suicidal and my meds weren't working)...

She chuckled and then reminded me about how I had put chapstick on my grandpa because he lips were really chapped, softlips brand to be specific, and then he died. It was an on going joke for awhile after I broke down and said, "my softlips killed grandpa" because while it was a coincidence, it was two minutes after that that he took his last breath. It was a lot to deal with considering how depressed I had been in the days leading up to this.

I guess it's selfish to a point.... but at the same time, I know who uncontrollable this whole bipolar thing is...it's ridiculous really. I'm not nearly as depressed as I have been in the past, and I'm not suicidal, but I have just spent the past few months making myself ill somehow... because all the shit I've had done and tests run by doctors the best they can come up with is acid reflux...well when i got the news about grandpa tonight that same sharp pain I had been getting came back after being gone for weeks... Oh yeah, ANXIETY... I forgot we used to be friends....

THe moral of the story is that I'm dealing with a lot right now, not to say that I'm the only one with issues by any means... I just need to vent. I'm going to my psychiatrist appt tomorrow and going to take the next step in getting back on meds and controlling this beast called bipolar and actually sticking to the regimen... i'm working with my therapist to actually follow through with this and stya on the meds.... I found out I was bipolar when I was about 19 or 20... here I am about to be 30, which hello i sthe new 20 and it's like I'm all the way back at the beginning...I gotta get it together.

I checked my facebook tonight and got confirmation that my uncle Gene is also on his last leg. My uncle Gene is my Aunt Tom's husband. I was named after my Aunt Tom(my), Aunt Tom Being my great aunt and my grandpa who is in the hospital right now's sister.... Hospice is saying he's got 2 to 3 days to live. I can't go to NC to be with him and I havent seen him in over 3 years, despite loving them very much something always came up... I never made time.... If i have to choose, I have to pick KY to do the grandpa thing....

i have a lot on my mind in addition to all of that. I'm trying to paint because I had this awesome idea in my head but it's not working out real well do to my lack of focus and over perfection self... I can't get it to look the way I see it in my head. I've been spending some time with Jen and I remember more and more everyday that I love her. I regret fucking things up the way I did, but can't undo the past. She mentioned the other day that the reason she had had such a rough valentine's day was because she had planeed in october to ask me to spend the rest of my life with her on Valentines day which broke my heart (though I know that wasn't her intention, she ewas just venting and I was just listening...) That's also when I said, it wouldn't have mattered because I had planned since August to ask her in November (which passed and started to be the point where I started fucking shit up royally)...

I can't be lame and blame everything that went down on being bipolar, but anyone who really knows me will vouch for shit like this.... to a point. Jen has been doing a lot of research on thewhole thing and she even admitted that a lot of shit makes sense now. (about me in general, not necessarily a specific event)... When I first started dating Jen I was medicated, but I felt so good when I was around her I didn't feel like I needed it...I fell hard and I fell fast for her... she lit up my world and made me smile non stop like I just taken some serious bong hits or something...permagrin all the time...I quit the meds... I even rmember telling her what to expect when I quit them cold turkey which is what I always did... and she supported me because it's what I wanted (nowadays though I think if I were to tell her I was going to quit my meds she'd put her foot down and probably threaten my life if I did...) I hate how the meds make me gain weight.... make it impossible to orgasm, etc etc etc.

When I go to my appointment tomorrow trust and believe I will be telling the doctor that if I'm going to stay on some fucking medication I've gotta be able to cum and I don't want to get any fatter... I'm going to say it just like that. I don't sugar coat the shit AT ALL.

Mental health hay day

2011-02-16T21:34:00.000-05:00

First of all let me just say my uncle rocks. You see my uncle, the one I go get tattooed with all the time has a fancy schmancy mechanical engineering job that requires him to travel frequently. Well this week it brought him close to my mom's house... this trip led him to the Hilton Hotel about 15 miles from my mom's house. He finished his job early SOOOO he gave me his room for the last night he was supposed to have it.

So yes folks, picture it. Me, a super fabulous bed, tv..., wireless internet, and peace and quiet. Alone with my thoughts or the lack there of :)

Awesomeness.

Can I get a hell yeah to a free mental health holiday.

I heart Hilton Garden Inn....

Hard to believe

2011-02-14T14:47:00.000-05:00

It's hard to believe... it's that time of year again... Valentine's day. Pfffft. I've never been a huge fan, but one good thing I'll say is that today marks my parent's 30th wedding anniversary. Incredible really... I don't know how they did it...I can't seem to make it past two, lol.

Anyway, more importantly, congratulations to them and here's to many more. I love you mom and dad.

Taylor Swift - Back to December

2011-02-03T13:25:00.001-05:00

the things we know

2011-02-02T22:06:00.000-05:00

I was talking to my mom this evening--i just wanted to vent for a second and have someone listen. In talking to her... I began to feel better. This is a good thing. When I was finished she called me out on something, which is something she is really good at...

This time, she called me out on the fact that I think too much. I'm constantly in a what if scenario--I KNOW THIS ABOUT MYSELF, but it doesn't make it any easier to not do it, you know...

But the other interesting thing she called me out on and she's mentioned it before was how it seems that I won't allow myself to be happy. She looked at me and asked me, "Tommy, why won't you allow yourself to be happy?" What an excellent question. She said that I don't think I deserve to be happy...

Heres the kicker... I really do feel like I deserve to be happy, but 9 times out of 10 I feel like someone else deserves it more...which is what makes it so difficult when it comes to time give someone bad news or say something that may hurt someone's feelings. It's only once in a blue moon that I get selfish and choose my own happiness over someone else's, but dammit, in the long run--I FUCKING DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.

And for now, I'm happy with many pieces of the puzzle that is tommy's life right now. When it's all said and done, I'm going to come out on top and make happiness my bitch. No easier way to say it right now.

Take two of these and call me in the morning

2011-02-02T21:59:00.000-05:00

I went to the specialist today... they are leaning toward issues with my gallbladder.

Lots of blood work done, sent me home with 3 small cups with lids (for my poop) which was a whole new kind of fun... (testing for parasites or bacteria or something)

I go back on Friday for an ultrasound of my upper right quadrant... and they scheduled me for an endoscopy and colonoscopy on the 17th of this month as well. The plus side is that if my bottom half gets betters then I won't have to do that procedure...

And while I want nothing to be wrong with me in general...if there is I hope they can tell with the ultrasound and let me skip the other two procedures on the 17th...

We shall see. For now, I'm getting accustomed to pressure and discomfort at this point...what's another few days.

Games

2011-02-02T21:55:00.000-05:00

I hate the games that people don't play. Does that make sense? It will to anyone who has ever been with someone that denied ever playing mind games when in fact they were fucking masters at them. Ridiculous. I should have known better than to think that this shit would just flow...be natural... that we could truly be friends.

I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. You were so worried about me "falling off the radar" the minute I walked out the door...you were so worried that I wouldn't talk to you anymore... you talked about how much that would hurt. So I guess your solution to the problem is to ignore my texts...have your son call me to tell me he misses me and hang up as soon as he says bye, to avoid having to talk to me.

You accused me of defriending you on facebook, which I didn't....as an act of good faith I sent you a friend request.... so I guess it's easier for you to ignore that as well.

I have to take into account that everyone processes shit differently. Maybe you are hurting on the inside, and maybe, secretly you are relieved to be free. Free from my OCD tendencies and "debbie downerness" and my constant raining on your parade. I wouldn't fucking know.

I wouldnt fucking know much of anything right now as it pertains to your world. That's your choice. I just hope that you've taken into consideration all f the possibilities here. This may not go the way you pictured it in you head. This may not go that way at all... and then again, since I'm no mind reader...it just very well may go exactly where you want it to. I don't fucking know.

I hope it brings you some type of solace to know that I am in deed hurting. I think that what you are doing sucks, but then again I have to respect that you are dealing with your own hurt and it is what it is.

Living with my mom is not an ideal situation from me, but there are some bright sides. For example, I have a wonderful family that loves me and just the fact that I have a place to call home and find refuge means the world to me right now. I get to spend time with my niece and give her baths at night and rock her to sleep if I want... The 45 minute commute gives me time to decompress at the end of the work day... No one makes me talk about anything I don't want to and I love that.

It's probably best you aren't speaking to me right now. Neither one of us are ready. This whole "non" game thing that you are doing is giving me the ability to really address my own rage, my own anger...

My feelings have shifted from guilt to jaw clenching aggressive anger. I cant explain it right now, but alas, it is what it is.

I'm disappointed with the outcome...and like you, I'm left questioning the sincerity of our last words with one another... I'm left questioning what roles we will play in each other's life. I'm left lost, lost--but certainly not alone.

I can't stand these games that you don't play. I guess now you know the answer to one of your questions... I'll take "what would you do if you were in my shoes" for 1000 alex.

Fuck it.

Not really a secret

2011-01-31T11:16:00.000-05:00

It's no real secret that something has been up in my world that I either didn't want to talk about or just wasn't ready to deal with or whatever, but the moral of the story is... I'm having a rough time. A rough time with everything. Considering I've physically felt like crap for going on two months now, am battling a severe case of depression, in spite of seeing a therapist and talking nonstop to at least one person about all the other turmoil in my life... shit is just fucked up and I'll leave it at that.

I moved on Saturday. The whole thing seems surreal even though my stuff is as unpacked as it's going to get. I'm sad though some people in my life probably won't believe it. I've spent this whole time being accused of being emotionally cold, stoic at times and just incapable of feeling. Well I say just because I choose to not vocalize my shit because I know it's going to hurt someone's feelings or turn into a long ass conversation or debate, doesn't mean I'm incapable of feeling, it just means that I'd much rather do it by myself. I dunno.

I find myself just wanting to cry. and well crying for that matter. I hear songs on the radio, or come across them on a CD I've burned and my eyes water... I dunno. I can't undo everything I've done and I can't provide answers for the why's and hows, etc... I can just say that I wasn't happy.

The problem with saying I'm not happy is that I don't know what I want or need to make me happy. I don't honestly know what the hell happy is. I'm researching that...

So, anyway. I am now single again. After over 2 years with someone with whom at one point I could see spending my life with... I broke her heart, actually ripped her heart from her chest, stomped all over it and then smacked her in the face with it and I don't even know why.

I'm giving myself a personal goal of not living in my mom's house (where I now reside) by the time my 30th birthday gets here... so that gives me til the end of May... it's not that I don't appreciate having a family I can fall back on ... it's just that I can't feel independent living at mommy's house. Im in the process of being removed from the lease... gave up a great deal of my shit in the "divorce" for lack of better words... I dunno...it's not like she did anything wrong.

I just never saw this happening. Whatever the fuck I'm going through is definitely not something that I ever even considered happening. For now it's taking everything in me to just function. I still don't have the concentration nor am i willing to really face the situation. I may just spend a few more days pretending like nothing happened. I just don't wanna talk about specifics...I'm tired of my family or friends asking me what's up... I havent even told my grandma... hell, I just don't really fucking care right now. I've been called selfish among other things and well dammit, maybe I am. Who fucking cares. I'm too emotional to fucking care about anything if that makes sense... I mean sense I'm incapable of feeling ya know. Try feeling nothing and everything all at the same time and see how it works out for you--because for me....it may eventually be the death of me. Who the fuck knows. Who the fuck cares.

Health or the lack thereof

2011-01-31T10:40:00.000-05:00

I wasn't going to do this...but it seems I do a lot these days that I don't necessarily intend on doing... so I'm going to share the health issues I'm dealing with. You see it all started back in December when I had an upper respiratory infection and felt like ass. Well I went to the doc and he gave me stuff to fix me right on up, but I had diarrhea from Dec 15 until last week. That week was spent vomiting and then ended with diarrhea all over again. My doc referred me to a gastrointestinal specialist so that we could figure out what's up...he thinks I have an ulcer. Well I took ALL the pills they wanted me to for like 1 days and since then, I've only taken like 1 a day because who the fuck has time to take 1 pill four times a day, an hour before eating... my schedule doesn't really permit planned meals sometimes...

So anyway my specialist appt is on Wednesday...I was debating canceling it because overall I feel alright and at this point I'm used to shitting ALL the time and needing to make it to the bathroom in a hurry. Well after some brief research online (which should never be done when you have some symptoms)...I've decided that whatever I have, probably shouldn't be ignored, and I will be keeping my appointment.

It could be a number of things and I'm not going to speculate, but it's definitely not comfortable, maybe a hiatal hernia, or something similar to chrones disease, all of it boiling down to some irritable damn bowels... which lets face it just isn't cool and really puts a damper on a social life (or lack thereof)...

I had convinced myself and even told my therapist that I think I'm making myself sick. Which hey is possible, between stress and everything else going on in my life... but whatever the cause, if I ever discover it...the point is, I've gotta get fixed. For now, I'll just keep dealing with the pain, uncomfortableness, and just icky feeling in general.

They should make makeup shades with descriptions, i.e. "I feel like shit today but wanna fake it and look half way decent" in a sparkly lip gloss. Or better yet, "I pee out of my ass like 17 times a day and my asshole is raw and I think I washed my hands really well, but just in case....Chocolate" Nailpolish.

Yeah, I know, that was gross, but hey, welcome to my life as of late.

Adele - Rolling In The Deep

2011-01-25T22:11:00.000-05:00

Changes on the horizon

2011-01-18T13:39:00.000-05:00

A lot of shit has gone down in the past few months, very little of which I have blogged about out of respect of the other party/parties involved. I've decided however that I need to blog so I will be creating a new blog, an anonymous blog, a blog that even if I flat out told the world everything that was on my mind there's no way in hell that the affected parties could be recognized. I'm dying inside. Slowly dying. Fading away to nothingness and full of confusion and doubt. I tried to keep these inner demons quiet, but I can do it no more. If anyone is interested in the new address for this upcoming blog either email me or post a comment with your email and I'll send the link. The blogging will continue, regardless as to if anyone reads it or not. Sad really. Just sad.

high tide low tide

2010-12-03T21:48:00.000-05:00

There is a numbness that presents itself and then vanishes. Like the ocean crashing gently upon the shore, bringing it's foamy endlessness, saturating the sand and then repetitiously fading away. I wake up some mornings and all seems fine, then without warning, for no reason, it creeps up on me. It clings on as if it is a naturally occuring, supposed to be there limb... natural in the sense of an arm or a leg is natural, not in that of a zit or bruise...

I don't know where I'm going with this really. I don't know much of anything these days really.

My guilty conscious gave way to some serious confessions on my part, a very delayed exhibit of remorse and now the theory of a new start. It's hard to tell whether or not this theory is in fact a reality or not.

I guess that all in all, I'm not one hundred percent convinced that it's possible outside of fairytales. That is most likely my Debbie Downer side reary it's ugly head tonight. I dunno.

There is an emptiness, a void that is very seldom filled. I can't find the right words to describe it. I can't make sense of it. I'm spiraling downward, not out of control, but a controlled spiral, as if that makes any sense.

I'm always thinking. It's weird thought. There are like nine hundred bazillion thoughts in there but I'm not thinking any single one specifically...it's just chaos. Imagine you are at a crowded restaraunt. You are there on a date, (insert your partners name here)... ya'll are having a nice conversation, sipping your drinks, nibbling on an appetizer, thinking about what you want to do to him/her when you get them back to the house... then the conversations from all the surrounding tables begin to get louder and louder...it gets harder and harder to hear your partner or even concentrate on their words.... then the kitchen doors swing open, plates fall to the floor with a crash and break....

It's kind of like that. A whole lot going on and not being able to focus in on one particular thought.

That's where I am. Waiting for low tide so I can break free... or even high tide to wash away these thoughts and feelings.

why?

2010-11-26T21:09:00.000-05:00

Why is "make up" sex so fucking amazing. Like to the point that I'm currently thinking of things to fight with Jen about just so this phenomenol sex doesn't end. Lol. I'm seeing a side of my partner I've never seen in the two years we've been together...it's good shit. Like, Really good shit.

dear santa

2010-11-26T21:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Santa--

Recent events in my life have most definitely reserved me a spot on the Naughty list. This just will not do. You see I fully believe that at some point or another, EVERYONE makes a mistake or two, and while the severity of said mistake may vary from case to case.... mistakes happen nonetheless. My point is that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I can't explain how this mistake happened or even why. I'm just sorry. I'm sorry that I consistently hurt those around me and let so many people down. I'm just sorry. I don't know what to do to fix this and get off of the naughty list, but I am looking for suggestions. If you can find it your big ass North Pole heart to look past said mistake and put me back on the Nice List I'd really appreciate it.

If this happens and I know I'm probably pushing it here, but Santa, I can't help but make an additional request. I prepared my wishlist, if you get around to it, I mean...

All I want for Christmas is:

Clarity

Forgiveness

Trust

Strength

Understanding

Compassion

There are several other things that I'd like, but I don't want to be greedy AND I'm not necessarily thinking clearly these days. I dunno.

Hopefully I'll at least get off the Naughty list.

Thanks for listening and Happy Holidays big guy...

Tommy

To put it simply

2010-11-25T08:54:00.002-05:00

If I had it to do all over again, I'da just kept my damn mouth shut.

more work, less play

2010-11-18T21:48:00.000-05:00

Still working my ass off... but at least I have great people at work to keep me amused. Not my bosses so much, but like the actual employees. I'm serious when I say that I was mexican in another life. There is just no other explanation. I love everything about the culture for the most part, I just love it all. But that's not the point of this blog.

Last week one of the guys at work, we call him Coco...short for Cocodrilo (which is crocodile in spanish) was working with me. He normally works as part of the shipping team, but I needed an extra hand in my department so my fellow supervisor let me borrow him and one other guy, we call him Ladies man, lol. Anyway... these guys were helping me organize some stuff and get cleaned up and my boss came up. He immediately starts talking smack and has just an arrogant beligerant tone about him when Coco puffs up...stands in between my boss and I and says, "HEY you got a problem con tommy, you got a problem con me." I couldn't do anything but smile. I was weak. Even my boss had to step back and say, damn... I need people like that working for me.

I had an interview on Tuesday. It was with the DMV... I dunno... I hate my job most days and I definitely hate the long ass hours I work and seven day work weeks, but... I'm scared to find something different. Does that make any sense? I'm scared that the grass isn't always greener, etc etc etc.

It all goes back to me wanting to win the lottery. I dunno. There is a chance of me having the weekend off this weekend...won't know until tomorrow.... keeping my fingers crossed.

on the plus side

2010-11-01T20:53:00.000-04:00

On the plus side... after blogging last night, I felt a lot better. Jen was waiting there for me and we talked a few more minutes about things on our minds... it was funny though, right before we had some incredibly quick sex (it was already way past my old ass bedtime...) Jen looked at me and said, "You blogged about this didnt you..." LOL. At least she knows me.

After the quickie that we both desperately needed Jen held me for a sec and said, "Hun, there's no way that you aren't gay." Puzzled I asked how she could be so sure... her response was, "I've been with enough women to know that the things you do and what you're capable of in the bedroom... well lets just say if you were pretending or in a phase, you wouldn't be nearly so damn good End of story, you're gay."

Well then that's settled. Lol. Glad she could clear that up for me... AND an ego boost like no other. Who doesn't want to be told they are a rock star in bed and complimented on their tongue skills, lol.

The spark will come back when our schedules mesh up a lil better than they have. Jen reminded me that we can make it through anything... easier to remember when I've had a decent nights sleep.

For now, a few applications to fill out and Sex and the City 2 with Jen :)...

Fizzle

2010-11-01T00:29:00.000-04:00

I just finished a 21 day working streak with no day off. Let's just say I don't recommend it to anyone. To unplug, I got a hotel room... I seemed to have extra money for a change so it was justifiable in my mind and I escaped. I told Jen that I just needed to do this for my own mental health...which anyone who really knows me, knows that I'm not kidding.

I voluntarily committed myself about six years ago after the death of my grandfather... I was going through a serious bout of depression...which then made doctors think I was bipolar among other things... long story short, my short stint in the nut house, which was ridiculous... they took my shoe laces, cds, and anything I or someone else could harm themselves with... checked to ensure we returned our silverware after eating in the cafeteria, etc... I got the bill and even with what my insurance covered, that was the most expensive one night getaway EVER. I then vowed to my mom that if I ever felt the need to get away or unplug that I think a Holiday Inn would be sufficient. Granted the bed in the Super 8 sucked and my back hurt this morning, but it was awesome to get uninterrupted sleep... just have me time and be alone with my thoughts.

I checked my voicemails from yesterday this morning and it dawned on me why I had "extra" money... I fucking forgot to make my car payment... I thought for sure I had, since I pay it along with all of my other middle of the month bills, but apparently I got sidetracked or distracted and forgot to finish. Now I have about four bucks to my name until Thursday when I get paid... which is doable, so long as nothing else I forgot about clears before then. Oh and rent is due tomorrow... I guess everyone is allowed an irresponsible moment every now and then.

She'll probably get pissed if she reads this and sees that I'm venting via blog, which is part of the reason I've considered starting a new one that she doesnt know about... but I'd rather her be mad than to seem like I'm hiding shit... long story short, I think Jen and I are fizzling out.

Things have been strained a lot lately. I can blame a lot of it on my crazy work schedule and the fact that we rarely see each other. It's tough. Even when we get to see each other, neither of us are in the same mood. It's like we are incapable of both being happy at the same time... If I'm excited, she's drained or in a bad mood and vice versa. I've been picking up signs here and there, but have been scared to say anything because I don't want to stir up a bunch of shit.

Well tonight, after she and lil man got back from trick or treating, and he was in bed... I finally talked to her. I told her my concerns about how I think it's just a matter of time before she calls it quits. Her biggest complaints about me are: (my own paraphrasing here)... I'm anal as hell when it comes to cleaning and she doesn't feel like she can do anything right or in a way that's going to keep me from cleaning right behind her and that I'm always so fucking negative. I'm a bubble buster. If she's happy about something then I'm going to find something to rain on her parade...AND she doesn't feel like she can talk to me anymore because she gets really tired of me telling her that she worries too much or that she needs to stop freaking out.... among other things.

One of my questions for her this evening was: What is keeping you here? That's when my concern/fear (I'm not sure of what word to use here) became apparent... Her response was, I don't know. Oddly enough, that is the answer I was expecting--unfortunately that didn't make it any easier to hear.

It was at that point she said she was done talking and went to bed. I got in the bathtub and soaked for a while, climbed into bed and felt that same enormous distance that I've felt for a while now... We talked a little bit more and it turns out that about a month or so ago she vented to a friend of hers back home in Colorado. Her friend agreed that she was entitled and justified in feeling the way she was. So I asked okay, so when are you going to talk to me about it? The general gist of the story was that she doesn't want to hurt my feelings and she doesn't want to deal with the lash out that she thinks will follow... apparently whatever it is, is crucial if she thinks I'm going to fly off the handle and say really hateful shit afterwards.

I dunno. I just want to her to talk to me. I'm tired of us both walking on egg shells around the other and neither of us saying what we really feel. I told her before I got back out of bed to check tomorrows weather and blog to ease my mind so that I can sleep before a long day in work hell... I told her that one of my fears is that either one or both of us is only sticking this out because of the lease. She mentioned that I've joked about that before... but seriously, here lately I feel like that's all we have in common.

To top it off I'm going to admit to something that isn't easy for me to do at all. I think I'm having a sexual identity crisis. I'm by no means saying that i'm not gay or that I want to go have sex with men, but what I am saying is that i've been thinking a lot lately. I'm currently in my girlie phase. I alternate and go through phases where i make a genuine effort to feel feminine... the make up, the hair... my hair is the longest its been in years... make up is warn at least 6 days a week and I even considered carrying a purse a few days ago... Part of me wants to think this is because of the twentyish pounds I've lost just from working all the damn time... but I digress...

I've been thinking shit like, if I hadn't been raped when I was 19, a couple of months before my 20th birthday, would I still be gay? If my first time had been voluntary and not because some shit was slipped into my beer at a frat party... would I still be in the same place that I am now? I'd still be attracted to women, because well that's kind of always been a thing... once I let myself acknowledge it anyway. I dunno... it's hard to put into words and even saying shit like this has me freaking out because of the number of people potentially judging me, beginning with the most important, JEn. Because yes, I talked to her about this stuff tonight as well. I admitted to her that the reason I have given her so much shit in the past in reference to "if we ever break up, I'm not convinced she wouldn't go back to men" is because sometimes I wonder about me. How do I know if this is the real me or not? I have so much shit happening in my head right now it's not even funny.

Years ago, I was dating this guy and I fell hard and fast for him. (My past progressed like this: Rape, turbo whore because I thought the only way guys would like me is if I fucked them... playing with girls.... this guy.... girls full time....all in a short period of time if that makes sense)... This guy was in the navy and was here doing some type of training class for a few months. When it was time for him to leave I thought for sure he'd be asking me to go back to GA/FL with him.... he never asked. It turned out that he wasn't divorced like he claimed... he was still married and his wife was expecting their first child. I had been the other woman... someone to keep him amused while his wife was back home, out of state... I was distraught. Shortly thereafter I moved to Nashville TN for a change of scenery... and had sworn off men completely... I was heart broken. At least with women, I could be the dominant one, I could be in control, I could have things go any way I wanted to. Played, partied, and had quite a bit of fun... but got homesick...

Came back to VA and within a month was dating Stephanie. I had known her for a few years, but we never really ever hung out. She had always been in a relationship with the love of her life...but had actually just moved back to the area after said love of her life had ditched her for a dude (after they had both moved and bought a house in NY...) She and my mom, and eventually me all worked at the same place... we ended up dating for about two years or so... but it was rough. We'd break up for weeks and months in between, say hateful shit to each other. She made me wreck my truck (well indirectly... she was arguing with me on the phone and wouldn't drop it and I rearended someone on the interstate in morning rush hour traffic...) I tried to run her over at one point after that, lol....

Wow...I'm rambling... it's late and that alarm will be going off soon...but I have to get all of this nonsense out. After Stephanie and I broke up and had several months of just me time and then met Maggie.... Maggie was WAY older than me, but I was attracted to that aspect. Unfortunately she was way more immature than I was. She was content smoking pot 24/7 and hooking up with her ex on the regular.

It was about six months into dating maggie and being miserable, just not really having the balls to say fuck you it's over for real when I started talking to Jen. I made it clear to Jen that I was in a relationship, and she was quite innocent. But then it turned into me thinking more about Jen than I was about maggie, to include the times when I was laying right there next to Maggie. So while I didn't physically cheat... I may as well have.

November 8th is when we made our relationship official... merely 4 days after my break up with Maggie. I didn't speak to maggie for a year and half...though recently added her as a friend on facebook with jens approval... (jen wanted to be flaunted and she wanted maggie to see how happy we are...but then when maggie started cmmenting on stuff, Jen wanted her deleted, lol... I still haven't done that, just on principle.) I fell hard and quick for Jen... that was almost 2 years ago. I'm wondering if my relationship shelf life is 2 years and that's it... or if Jen and I will work through this rough patch we are experiencing.

None of this probably makes sense, but I just don't know how else to say what It is that I'm trying to say. I'm confused. I'm confused as to how the two of us can just seem numb and be going through the motions, but not really feeling anything anymore. I'm curious as to what's really on her mind and what she vented to her friend about a month or so ago. Tonight when I questioned her about when she'd tell me about it, she just said she wasn't ready. I laid there for a few more minutes waiting for her to say good night I love you... I got tired of waiting and came into the other room, where I am now. it's a bummer. I hear all the things that she dislikes about me...I very rarely here any positives. I'm sure she feels the same way.

I'm just curious as to what this all means. She told me that it's like we are both on separate roads. I agree with her. Neither of us are headed to the same place, even if we don't know where our individual destinations are, we just know that there's no way in hell that we are gonna end up at the same place.

My mind is racing. It's a waiting game and the ball is in her court. I just dont know much of anything right now. I can't help but feel like the spice has up and left and the fizzle is moving in quickly.

Well, she just came out here looking for me...wondering when I was coming back to bed. I guess that's a good sign if she missed me in the bed....right? I just dont know much of anything right now. Nothing at all.

It occurred to me

2010-10-07T23:18:00.000-04:00

It occurred to me in the strangest place. The toilet. The toilet is a place that I love to be. I do my best thinking there sometimes. This particular evening (tonight about three minutes ago)...I was searching for new blogs to follow. Sometimes I use the next blog feature, other times I search by keyword (which is nine times out of ten way more productive)... all while contemplating the workings of the universe and hoping we don't run out of toilet paper before payday... ha. Anyway, it came to me...

I was getting ready to blog, it was going to be yet another boring bitch fest about how I hate my job and I fucked up at work and these are the repercussions type of blog, but it occurred to me that it's been a LONG fucking time since I blogged about something awesome, happy, or just down right great....

Tonight is the night folks. Tonight is the mother fucking night. Here's some of the good shit that doesn't get mentioned in my blogs as of late:

Lil Man started 1st grade...

I got to visit my favorite place... Cape Hatteras, NC--when my brother got married on 9/11/10

This is lil man and my brother's (new wife's daughter)...so daughter, she's a lil over a year older than lil man...they don't normally get along this well ;) Lil man was the ring bearer

My brother before the wedding... yes, holding the bouquet (a decorated conch shell) AND yes, wearing a tuxedo t-shirt...lol. Why the hell he tucked it in, I dunno...when I asked him later about it he responded, he said "He was keeping it classy."

The real story, lol

Me relaxing after the wedding... Jen didn't get to make it because of work...it was just me and lil man and pepper. I'm growing my hair out for some reason AND haven't colored it in over 6 months if you can believe that. I need a trim some kind of bed...but hey at least the front looks good.

My niece Charley turned one year old. She is such a doll baby... I just love that lil girl...wish I got to see her more (and her mom)... the was before the cake shenanigans... she was already wore out from playing and just let me hold her. I'm going through the I want a baby stage. Jen and I are in talks...she already has one...it's my turn, I'm just way to broke right now.

Jen and lil man... my family :) I love her more than life itself (but not in a creepy way, haha)... and I love him to death too. We are about to hit our two year anniversary... tomorrow will be a month away. Kind of a big deal.

The two of us... :)

Charley with Granny (my mom)...

Me and Charley

Admit it...SHE'S FUCKING ADORABLE...drool and all :)

Lil man and I being dumb and posing for photo ops...

And my latest painting. I decided to go simple. I like it. It's hanging on the living room wall :) Hooray for cape hatteras, nc...

And for now...we'll leave it at that. I"m not completely miserable... I just forget to mention the good stuff sometimes.

the waiting game

2010-10-01T22:11:00.000-04:00

I'm waiting.

I sit patiently with an abnormal addition, a vodka/light hawaiian punch... I'm waiting for jen to get off of work. I'm craving her. I want to lick her and love her, pin her down and just engulf her.. I want to absorb her, soak her up into every ounce of my being.

The only thing abnormal about this is the vodka chilling in my glass. Vodka inspired by fear, by collapse, by defeat. Inspired by yet another mishap. I don't understand it.

Today was such a great day overall. I got home by 5 o'clock... had some me time, unwound a lil bit, took a hot bath... then my phone beeped with a text message. It was my boss and it was after 6, this made no sense. As I opened the phone to read the text I prayed for a text saying that there was no work tomorrow after all. NOT THE CASE. The text said and I quote:

"Unbelievable story just wanted to share. Got a call from O who got a call from T who got a call from S n L. They were went 1 pallet of the wrong trays again.????????"

Yeah, remember the last blog I wrote, the one about sending the wrong items on the transfer order. Well apparently by some freak act of nature and warehousing in general, we sent a pallet of the wrong stuff TWO TIMES, not just once now. By we, I mean me. Now I'm enjoying some vodka and waiting for Jen to get home... in hopes of doing deviant things to her and trying like HELL to not think about the fact that I don't know how long I'll still have a job. I'm freaking out.

Fuck me in the ass sideways... (NOT LITERALLY). I'm scared.

I fucked up

2010-09-24T23:32:00.000-04:00

It's official, I fucked up. I was in charge of a transfer order a couple of weeks ago. I pulled all the inventory for the order and then gave it to the shipping supervisor to get out the door. I found out today that some of the trays I sent were the wrong ones. This lead to the right ones needing to be overnighted from VA to Washington State which cost the company about 800 bucks. We also had to send the balance of the trays that were needed for the company we outsourced some work to, to complete and ship on time out via estes... about 13 pallets.

The crappy thing is that there was no system of checks and balances. The shipping supervisor didn't even have paperwork for what was supposed to go out to verify that what I gave him was correct. I never have a quality person working with me to verify stuff so it's like Im expected to never make a mistake.

I dunno. With everything else that is happening in work hell, I just feel like this is the ammunition they needed to get me out the door sooner than later. I've never been in a situation with such a serious "boys club"... Here's the deal:

I'm:
Female
Gay
Independent
A strong mind
Opinionated
A thinker
A leader
a by the book/follow procedures person

They are:
Male
Hetero
recruiters of Yes men
want things their way
Hate it when someone points out a fault in their plan

I dunno...it's ridiculous. I don't even want to talk about it anymore. But it seem sto be all I have to talk about. This is where I spend all my time. I never see Jen, I never have money even though I work all these hours because of this ass raping called salary... but I should be able to see the blesssings right... I should appreciate the small things... IT'S FUCKING HARD.

I called my mom this afternoon on lunch. It's hard because I never see her anymore either compared to what I used to. All I do is work AND now that I live 40 minutes away my visits are quite limited. I'm going through withdrawls. They decided about 11 o'clock that we need to work tomorrow after saying all week that we were going to be off this saturday. This is what pisses me off. I cried. I cried I cried.

I was upset because my niece just turned one on Wednesday and Saturday was to be the day taht I could spend time with her since she lives out of town...along with my sister. Now my time is limited. Very limited. After the party that I'm going to be late for, I need to try and give my grandma a perm. I'm not going to have a weekend free for a while because of work and when I do have free time I/m going to have to be doing Santa's hair getting him ready for his gigs...

It's not that I cant say no. It's just that I rely on some things for extra money (money which is needed and not really extra actually)... like gmas perm, or santas hair, or my client that I do about every 5 weeks.

I'm stressed all the time, I have no money to just do whatever with. I have property taxes due and no way to pay it right now... this is really bumming me out. I'mt rying to make it work, I really am. It's just hard.

I cried when I got home today. Jen was still here, she was getting ready for work, lil man was with the sitter. Its hard. I want to tell her about my day and all the things on my mind, but then she worries about me and stresses out more than she should. She said she feels helpless because when she offers help I dont want it. She has her own financial obligations and I feel bad enough only being able to do what little I can, I don't want to feel like I'm gettin an allowance from her you know. I'm not overly proud... I just think that her money could be better spent, bills, groceries etc.

I feel like I never have a day off because even when I am at home as few as those instances are, I'm cleaning, scrubbing, doing six loads of laundry, or somethign to that effect. Why can't I turn off my things need to be clean self? I was going to clean tonight but just said fuck it. Whats the point, it will be dirty again tomorrow. Nothing seems to get put back up unless I do it. Nothing gets put away unless I do it. Jen has given up to some extent because she hates how I come behind her and clean what she's just cleaned. Well you know what IM SORRY. I'm sorry that when I walk into a bathroom that has just been cleaned and see pee around the base of the toilet from the only person in the house that has an aiming device but hasn't mastered it yet that I feel compelled to clean it. I'm sorry that i can only walk over the same wad of dog hair on the carpet for so many days in a row. I'm sorry that I think we should cook dinner, like actually means and not do fast food or take out except for special occassions... but by the time I get home It's too late for that to happen and not have a six year old freaking out about how hungry he is.

I'm sorry that for some reason Ic an't do anything right in the eyes of a 6 year old because I don't think the way he has been acting is school is tolerable. I'm sorry that I had to overhear him for the second day in a row tell the babysitter that he wanted her to read to him and not me because I read too fast and don't say the words right. (Which I don't, he just wants me to read it super slow or more than one book so that he can stay up later, but whatever, what do I now)...

I'm sorry that I'm over fucking sensitive and when I see the straightening iron out on the bathroom counter and Jen's hair done i immediately ask myself who she's trying to impress... I'm not used to her doing her hair... she goes through phases... but several times in one week and I'm not the one seeing her... I have to assume that she's making an effort for someone. I'm sorry I'm a jackass for thinking such things.

I'm sorry that in recent conversations I realized that Jen's fear is that I'm going to cheat on her because of the fact that I was with someone when we started talking. I never physically cheated, but in her mind, because I was laying next to one woman and thinking about a potential with her that I'll do the same thing to her eventually except she won't be the "other woman", she'll be the one I'm looking to replace. Though I don't get it. I dont have time for her much less anyone else. She sees how disgusting I am when i get home from work, how depressed i've been for several weeks/months now... why would this come up now?

this blog is meant as a means to vent only... I'm not trying to share with the entire free world that jen and I are having issues...because it's not like that. It's just the fact that in my eyes everything is amplified. I feel alone and trapped in my job, I'm overly tired, I'm super sensitive and feel like my partner and son hate me and like I can't do anything right EVER.

I'm drowning. Silently wasting away. All I can do at this point is hope and pray that I find the strength to keep going, that some great thing happens soon to solve everything that is contributing to my issues. Because at the end of the day, I'm the only common denominator in all my issues. Just me. I can't blame anyone else despite my need to bitch about everyone and everything (ie Pepper putting her paw on my keyboard as I typed and making my 1 key pop off. Awesome.

I just want to disappear sometimes. Move somewhere new and start fresh. Take my lottery winnings and see things. Settle down in somewhere like oregon or Vermont and call it a day. Summer wherever the hell I want to...

I'm crumbling under the pressure and I don't know what to do. Jen's response to my episode this afternoon did nothing but show me that she's nearing her wits end. I'm driving her mad but I cant put into words what I'm trying to say in order to communicate with her better. I always say shit wrong.

I miss the excitement that used to be in her face when I got home, now it's more of a look of dread that she's going to have to hear about how shitty my day was. I don't know what to do. This is the only me I've ever known... the one who deals with shit, shit and more shit until I finally spring a leak, break, and have to start all over again.

i'm scared. I'm scared I'm going to get fired from the job I hate before I can find something else and leave voluntarily. I'm scared that I'm going to push jen over the edge and then really be alone. i'm scared that lil man is going to grow up and hate me because I hold him accountable for shit and dont cave when he's on punishment and loses things like tv, video games or transformers... I'm scared that I'm growing apart from my family because i never see them anymore, I'm scared that pepper will grow to hate me and bite my face off in my sleep because I moved her from a 100 acre farm to an apartment, I'm scared that the dream job I want doesnt exist. I'm scared i'll be broke forever. I'm scared that I'll spend my entire life busting my ass only for nothing to come from it. I'm scared that I'm really just a failure who is too stubborn to admit it. I'm scared that I'm just incapable of doing anything right. I'm scared that I'm going to continue to lose friendships because I go through phases where I just don't want to talk to anyone, much less see them.

I'm scared of sooo many things.I'm scared that Jen will actually go to blogger after not going for so long and read this and be hurt by it because that isn't my intention. On the same note however, this is my outlet, this is my getaway, my release.

I don't care that her ex may potentially still read everything I write on here to keep tabs of her/us... I promised myself a long time ago that I wasn't going to censor myself just because I was worried about what someone my think. That's not being true to myself by any means. ANd while I'm on the subject do I get pissed off that Jen still talks to her ex, sure, sometimes. I trust jen and know that nothing is going on, but the other part of me wants to say hey... don't you wish you had admitted to yourself and everyone around you that you're gay instead of living a lie and ripping Jens heart out in the process... I dunno, that's a whole other topic and I have work in the morning so I need to get off of here anyway. Not enough hours in the day for me to truely vent, or gigabytes for that matter I suppose.

For now, i'mgoing to bed. I'm going to take pepper outside to pee and probably not pick up the pile of dog shit, should she decide to do number two. I'm going to step over the dog hair patches on the carpet, walk past the dirty dishes in the sink and folded laundry on the counter, use to toilet that I'll probably have to wipe pee off of to sit down on, lay out my clothes for work, turn on the fan so that we can accumulate a little bit more electricity charges, and climb into bed, alone because Jen is still working.

I dunno, mabye all this could be fixed with a hug. I'm scared to have a beer and kick back becuase what if tastes great and then I need a beer or five everyday... what if what if what if.

I'm thinking of changing my blog name to something more relevant:

Weeping pussy
Chickenshit
Debbie Downer

I'm open for suggestions.

Forklift Fury

2010-09-22T22:02:00.000-04:00

I'm kind of disappointed in how the whole concept of business plays out sometimes. It all makes sense when you look at the bottom line and profit margin, etc... but a lot of times, business lacks heart. Lacks compassion. Lacks... well just lacks.

I have a great team overall. I have a couple of guys on power jacks, one on a reach truck, one is my new lead/QA guys...blah blah blah. Well, recently there was talk of pulling one of my guys off of the jack and putting him on the forklift. He worked on the forklift a few days last week and then up until yesterday. He did a phenomenal job. Didn't dump any pallets unlike my current reach truck guy, AND my previous reach truck guy who is now on a jack....

Well this morning I had to pull him off the forklift and put this other guy who is technically a part of my team, but who effing knows everything (and nothing) all at the same time, butts heads with me all the time and who I want gone but who somehow manages to keep staying in the building on the forklift because all last week he talked a bunch of shit about being a pro and "how he could do so much better than the other ugys" he could show them a thing or two, etc etc etc

What it boils down to is that now I have a great guy who was better than anyone else being pulled off of equipment and made to think he did something wrong when I have other guys that dump shit on the regular still on equipment. It's business. Money. Bottom lines.

He asked his boss about getting more money for using equipment which he was entitled to do. Equipment operators are paid more than regular workers. Everyone knows this. Rather than give him that extra 50 cent or dolllar (this company pays next to nothing to their workers) they pulled him off equipment and put this other guy who they already paid more money to do QA things on the equipment.

He looked heartbroken. He looks like a hispanic kung fu panda (to be honest that's what the guys at work call him is panda for that very reason)... I had to get my guy jose who speaks english as a primary language translate some stuff so that nothing would be lost in translation. I wanted him to know that he hadn't done anything wrong and that he did a great job, but that it was the big guys decisions and not mine.

Luckily by 8 am I had him smiling again. He and the other guys were taking turns wearing my purple american eagle hoodie (it's amaryllis season so we are working in the coolers now)... they were rocking it to... looking like big damn purple teletubbies... it didn't matter. They were having fun.

I dunno. I hate the cold side of business. I like to think it's not like that everywhere and that maybe it's only pissing me off because I'm unhappy where I'm at. I dunno. I often think that I'm just entirely too soft to make it in the world of business. Then other days I'm a typical corporate bitch. I dunno. Makes no sense.

meandering

2010-09-21T22:58:00.000-04:00

As I stood in the dark starring at the sky.... I realized that even at 29 I believe you are never too old to wish on a star.

First star I see tonight...

It's a nightly thing for me it seems. Part of my routine as Pepper does her business.... I wish for different things, sometimes general happiness, sometimes just to be able to make it through the following day at work. I feel selfish for doing it though.

I mean, If I'm wishing on the first star I see at night, how many other people are wishing on that same star? Maybe it's stupid, but this is an example of what I think about.... I'm genuinely concerned that what if my wish does come true... does that mean that someone elses won't? If I were to put my wish on a scale and someone elses on another, whose would way more?

Is it wrong that even with this concern I still feel compelled to make those wishes. Whether to wake up in a good mood or come into a large sum of money... next to someone elses life, I dunno, I'm probably already rich...

I dunno how to put into words all that I'm saying. I'm stressed. I have property taxes due, I don't even have money to go thrift store shopping ... I miss that. I love living with Jen, I really do, but I'm just still adjusting to the paying rent thing. Things are shitty at work because I was a sort of whistle blower and now the boys club treats me like a narc. I don't care overall, it just means that they don't feel my day with a bunch of uselessness that I just don't have time for. I'm looking for something else... I just hope that when I leave it's voluntary and not otherwise.

My brother is now married and I've gained a sister. My niece Charley turns 1 tomorrow... she'll be in town with my sister... this weekend. Exciting. Soooo exciting.

I dunno, a lot on my mind and not enough time to work through it all. I hope there are enough stars to go around... I need a bright one, soon.

hmm

2010-09-08T21:02:00.000-04:00

I feel like all the talking I did yesterday was for nothing. I work with a bunch of men who never acknowledge that they could even potentially be the root of a problem. After discussing with someone whom I thought would listen, (I'm assuming the issue has been mentioned to them as well)... they in the most politically correct condescending way possible basically told me today that (this is my paraphrasing of course) I am bipolar and that communication can't be one sided and only on days that tommy's in the mood to communcate. We cant help that some days you have a sense of humor and then other days you want to be serious....

I dunno. I give up. I'm just going to smile. Do as I'm told and keep it moving. This whole thing has escalated and I know that it's going to just make a jacked up situation way worse. A boys club that I've never felt a part of (for real) that I've felt a time or three has been trying to push me out... just might end up doing it. Hopefully I wont be terminated for some dumb shit before something else comes my way. I'm worried. Yeh. Definitely worried.

Oh and side note, my brother is getting married on Saturday. yay. I just need to smile and keep it moving on that note.

Not enough hours

2010-09-07T22:00:00.000-04:00

Have you ever put off blogging despite having a bazillion and one things to write about? It's almost as if you know it's going to take hours of your day/life to get everything out so you put it off and put it off, only adding to the already lengthy list of things you want to get off your chest, share, or bitch about.... that's where I'm at now.

So I'm going to recap and jump around and maybe not make sense (as if that as has ever stopped me before...) so just don't freakin judge me... I'm a chick on the edge and to be quite frank, I just don't have the fucking time for it.

I'm working INSANE ASSININE hours at work. Week before last I worked 96 fucking hours if you can even imagine... No that is not a typo... 96 fucking hours. One day from hell I showed up at 7 am and didn't leave until 2 am... ridiculous. Things are super stressful at work and really the only thing I can find positive in the situation is that I have a job right now and that I can pay my bills. I hit my threshold today. It's been at the point where I dread going to work...I can't handle the boys club feel and the way I'm treated anymore. I can't go into detail, but I finally vented to someone who would listen.... even if she had to... it was a nice change to talk and not see someone's eyes glaze over or to be told to Man up or some other dumb shit... there are just so many things to vent about right now and it's neither the time or the place... I'm just fed up. The long hours, the inorganization, the lack of communication among other things... frustrating to say the least.

Unfortunately, they say things get worse before they get better (I know this to be true from an after work hours text message that I receivend to night.) Frustrating.

These days I feel like I have no outlet. I have no one to vent to, and I feel alone in the world and my own little hell. Things between Jen and are fine, when we see each other that is. I feel like I now pay rent and see her less than I did when we just saw each other on the weekends... they say the first year of living together is the hardest and again, I believe whoever "they" are... I love Jen very much and I love lil man, but unfortunately my job has me in such a negative head space that it often times effects my time with them. Lil man constantly asks if he did something wrong when he hasn't... it's insane and I feel awful about it. And Jen, well Jen does her best to help around the house and keep a happy face on despite my foul moods and sleep deprived self... and then I go and make matters worse by coming in all OCD and refolding laundry that she just folded or cleaning somethign that she just cleaned which sends the message of hey you arent doing it right, rather than hey babe, I appreciate everything you do and thank you.

I'm an asshole. I'm a tired miserable asshole. I'm an old person with no spunk or pizzazz... I'm a total bore.

To top it off I no longer talk to my best friend because her girlfriend is psychotic and has a crush on Jen (though I know jen is going nowhere), my friend potentially tells her new boo everything and hence my fear of venting to my bf and it getting to lil girl crush girl and her start some shit, because heres the kicker, this girl is one of jens employees... can you say drama... it sucks that I dont feel comfy talking to my friend anymore... but shes all smitten and in uhaul mode and this girl is young and dumb and word on the street is sleeping with some married guy, but my bf thinks she's totally gay... I feel guilty bc I wanted my bf to be happy and to have someone in her life because she always talked about being lonely and what not... now it's backfired and I dont feel comfortable telling her whats up for real. It's weird..

Anyway, I've blogged all I can tonight...I still have to do something for work and then get to bed at a decent hour. My goal tomorrow morning is to get up ass early, do my makeup, do my hair, and go to work with my head held high, knowing that everything is going to work out on a positive note... besides... I'll look smokin hot for all my mexicans, lol. One guy calls me Mi Amor... which I told Jen about and she found not nearly as humorous as I do, he's got a wife and kid in mexico, or Guatemala, I'm not sure... and he knows I only like hombres for amigos... lol...which makes it that much more amusing, but I've decided that when I makemore money, I want to have a baby. A mexican baby. End of story. A mexican baby that will be BEAUTIFUL.

I feel lke 50 pounds lighter now that I've told someone at work whats up. I couldn't hold it in any longer.

Lil Man goes fishing

2010-07-24T21:37:00.000-04:00

This is back from Memorial Day weekend... but I love it. Lil man got his chance to go fishing with Santa after behaving nearly all school year (there was only a couple of weeks of school left)... He had a blast. Here he is really in a fish.

Place: Hatteras, NC (my fave place in the world and now Jen's and lil man's as well)

Makes me smile

2010-07-24T21:22:00.000-04:00

I'm once again in a sharing mood. This particular share involves my 10 month old niece Charley... She makes me all warm and tingly inside and I just friggin' love her to death. But anyway, please excuse my appearance, I didn't realize until this video how much weight gain monogamy has caused me, lol. (though I'm not complaining) Jen and I are going on a diet together starting Monday to attempt to drop some pounds that both of us are not comfortable carrying around. I may have to burn that striped polo as well... but anyway here it is.

Charley laughs hysterically while pepper does one of her tricks.

And well since I'm in a sharing mood... here's one from a month or so ago... she was laughing hysterically at the dogs then too...

She's a freakin' sweet heart. I love her.

A soldier's homecoming

2010-07-23T13:26:00.000-04:00

I'm keeping this short but felt it important to share my excitement in what I'm about to reveal... MY DAD IS BACK. After a year in Kosovo... our soldier has returned. He flew into Norfolk last night (early no less, so Jen and I were the only ones there to greet him for a few minutes)... It's seems surreal that he was gone that long. But nonetheless he is back and I'm excited. My dad the Blackhawk helicopter maintenance test pilot... my hero. On the not so up side... the word on the street is that he'll be home for maybe 6 months before heading to Iraq. :( (I copied this pics from my mom's facebook page (though I took them...and they got really distorted when I tried to enlarge them, but hey... you'll just have to make due.)

Kissey Face

Mom and Dad

Dad met his granddaughter Charley (now 10 mo. old) for the first time

Banner mom had made for the front porch


and of course the BEAUTIFUL Jen and myself (I picked her up from work to meet dad at the airport, then dropped her back off...she had a late work night planned) I just can't help but love her.

It seems to me

2010-07-09T21:24:00.000-04:00

It seems to me that they changed the "branwny guy." Seems to me that he used to be dirty blonde, kinda longer hair, a lil bit eighties style hair... I dunno. I was just watching tv and the new one is dark haired and hella tan... I dont know, it just seemed weird to me. I don't buy brawny paper towels so it's not like I'm going to lose sleep over it, but I was caught off guard nonetheless.

It's been a week since moving into our new place. Pepper is having a hard time adjusting. She stopped eating her food (not people food of course)... finally after the second day of a full food bowl I had to hand feed her the equivalent of two handfuls one piece at a time so she thought she was getting a treat... then it dawned on her that perhaps she was hungry after all. She had explosive diarrhea for a few days as well ... breaks my heart to see her bumped out. I'm going to the country tomorrow to do grandmas hair and to take her the cook out that my brother is having... so she'll be able to run, chase birds and squirrels and what not while we are there. Pretty exciting stuff.

I'm having to adjust to Jen and my completely different sleep schedules, lol. I try to go to bed by no later than 11 so that I can get up and motivated for work in the am... Jen does not. There have been several occassions where she's been getting into bed or brushing her teeth to come to bed shortly before I'm getting out of the bed to go to work. So I pout. Like don't get me wrong, I want her to have her own life and she can stay up as long as she wants, but I guess in my mind I was just super excited knowing that i'd be going to bed and waking up next to her every morning. I have to remind myself that there is plenty of time for this and we are both adjusting.

I'm happy. I have noticed that things like laundry, dishes, cleaning in general are way more fun when you are doing them in your place. Not to say that things get done as quickly...lol... like i see dog hair on the floor and even though it's our place, it doesn't mean I'm going to get my big ass off the couch to actually vacuum right now... lol.

I dunno there's a lot on my mind I cant explain, I'm everywhere and nowhere all at the same time, just like I am most of the time... for now i'm going to walk away from the computer, put the leftovers in the fridge and put some clothes on so I'm ready to meet up with a friend and have a drink. I'm in the mood for music. I'm going to meet a friend of said friend and try to see how my gaydar reacts because my friend's gaydar is all fucked up in reference to her friend, lol... good times. More to come later, when I actually figure shit out.

Weird.

2010-07-07T13:26:00.000-04:00

I decided to do something nice and call grandma... yes, the grandma whose house I just moved out of and the same grandma whom I have not spoken to since Saturday. I called her on my lunch break and talked to her for 13 minutes and 11 seconds. Time which she used to tell me about vacation bible school and how she didn't realize she was 80 now until she tried to keep up with 4, 5, and 6 year olds... she told me about some friends of hers that died and how she tried to not call me because she figured I was busy.

She's cute. I explained that she could call whenever she wanted to and that if I was working or busy I'd return her voicemail (this lady has NEVER not left a voicemail.) I kind of feel like this act was my good deed for the day. I mean hell, it made her day... I guess I take for granted the little things that can occur and the emotions that can be experienced just with a simple phone call. It's a shame I hate phones so bad.

The other good deed I did was requesting time off for my brothers wedding on 9/11 of this year. Okay, how is this a good deed you ask? Well for starters, who the hell gets married on 9/11... i mean hello that day in my mind will always be associated with disaster, but eh... not important. It's a good deed because I'm totally not feeling the whole situation. I don't care for her as a person, I don't like who my brother has become... but in short, I'm being selfish and it's not about me. I wasn't down for my sisters wedding either, to the point that I refused to be her maid of honor... I guess I'm an awful selfish person... I'm trying to be better, but damn if it's happening overnight.

Who am I?

2010-06-29T14:49:00.000-04:00

I've been really out of character the past few days. I've been a total girl and it's ridiculous. Jen reminded me that the last time she checked, I had a vagina and therefore the "being a girl" thing was a given... I of course reminded her I didn't want to deal vagina unless I was licking it or something similar... which she may have found amusing, but I'm not sure...

I'm whiny and needy and overall irrational at times.

I was recently called out on always playing the "gay card" and how there's a time and a place to be gay and that perhaps I should tone it down ... "there's a time and a place for that..." My feelings were hurt to say the least.. it didn't help that I was in "girl mode" and pmsing, overly sensitive and what not...

The next day a situation came up and made it apparent that I was indeed "too gay." I was all to pieces. While I can't divulge details, because it isn't my place...I had convinced myself that Jen and I wouldn't be moving in together because what if it jeopardized her custody situation or something, I had a huge cry fest and really tried to dig down and figure out who I am. I called Jen and talked to her and she assured me that everything was going to be fine... and that my being "super" gay balanced us out since she can't be very openly gay...

Regardless of minor details and probably not making much sense here, I've already gotten rid of my inappropriate Vagyna license plate, as well as cleaned out my entire wardrobe of lesbian humor shirts because lil man is reading pretty well these days and I'm not trying to have something I wear initiate an awkward conversation with a 6 1/2 year old.

But aside from me being seemingly "too gay"... the one place I thought I'd find solace in was a complete let down. Hampton Roads Pride seemed like an amplified high school scene. Every clique split up in their own little groups... barely anyone just openly talking to someone else... the best part was this band called Ffelt... but anyway... at least I got to see that there were other gays in va besides me and Jen.

After spending as much time crying as I have the past few days I'm kind of having a "ah hah" moment. It's hard for me to believe that I'm as in love as I am. I have a woman by my side who completes me for a lack of better words. Our polar opposites compliment each other well and I long to be near her when I'm not.

I was talking to my mom and I admitted that for the first time in my entire life, I don't have the "power" in the relationship. In past relationships, things were always my way or the highway... with Jen it's not a matter of who is in charge or who holds whose heart by the strings but a mutual understanding and acceptance of the other.... It's hard to explain, overwhelming at times.

I'm so excited to begin this next chapter of my life with Jen. To know that we won't have to plan on who's going to be at whose house on which night, but know that we are coming home to each other... I have never looked forward to something so much in my entire life. I feel like for once in my life the control freak in me is surrendering to the unknown and it's okay. (I can't say I'm doing this in every area of my life, but in my relationship and moving in with Jen, absolutely.)

I've never experienced love like this. A mature, grown up emotion that is often times unexplainable. I love everything about her... her smile, her touch, the way she snores softly (normally not like a lumberjack) EVERYTHING. Jen asked me a while ago if I was truly ever really going to be able to handle "this"...this being her and a kid who is a typical boy... and I had to step back and ask are you serious? I failed to realize that she couldn't read my mind. How would she know that I've never been in a relationship where I didn't break up/make up with my partner repetitively or having a wandering eye curious as to if there was something better... if I never remind her of that. How would she know that that for the first time in my life, the anti-marriage me has actually imagined it... with her and only her. I still believe that I don't need a piece of paper to prove my commitment to my partner, but I also have never been in a relationship like this one. It's a good thing for sure. it's new and it's fabulous.

Sure, I'm rambling and probably not making a lot of sense, but the moral of the story is that when it all boils down to it, I know nothing is guaranteed in life, but for once I'm okay with the unknowns... because the person navigating my journey is worth that risk.

The move

2010-06-29T06:57:00.000-04:00

I'm at the point where I'm freaking out. There is still a lot to do and this control freak is having a hard time dealing with things that are out of my control. There's a whole lot of what if this happens or what if this occurs, etc etc etc... Don't get me wrong, I'm super excited and soooo ready to move in with Jen. I think it's a great thing for us... I'm just hoping I don't die before all of this goes down.

I have a giant pile of crap for a yard sale once the weather cools down, but even more crap to combine with Jen's and try to fit in an apartment. I'm stressed out with work, despite calling out yesterday and only being here today for 49 minutes so far... I just hate this place. I should be happy that I have a job, but something that seemed so perfect in the beginning is proving to be anything but at this point. My boss is an arrogant asshole who thinks he knows everything and is currently pouting because he's convinced that I stole his idea for a suggestion I made, which I didn't... He doesn't have his facts straight that's for sure... one of my suggestions was something I also suggested at a previous employer and the other one I didn't claim as my own, I simply said, "I understand that ya'll used to do things this way... I think we should go back to that because the cost savings would be great..." I didn't make anything my own idea... I simply took a thought that I had been telling my boss, but who blocks me out because he gets tired of the sound of my voice thereby making nothing happen in the long run and presented the thought to the CEO who just so happened to agree with me.

I really just want to win the lottery. Like tonight. Win it, quit my job, find an awesome, reasonable house in a great school district for lil man, and pay someone to move my shit for me. Then try and get Jen to quit her job as well and we could start something together on our own time... no more of her working every weekend, or every date night, or ALL the time... type of stuff.

It's sad... It's like I tell myself as I lay in bed the night before that tomorrow's gonna be a good day and I'm going to go into work with a smile on my face and get the stuff done that I need to and not let these fuckers get to me, but they always do. I'm bitter.

I hate that I'm the only female supervisor, I hate that anytime I have a thought they think it's me bitching, I hate that I work with homophobes, I hate that my ethics are tested and failed during busy seasons, I hate the heat...

On a lighter note I love Jen. I love that I won't have to wake up in the middle of the night and have pepper laying next to me but not Jen... I love that we get to start a new chapter of our lives and I love how I've never loved someone so intensely in my life even if that is extremely scary for me a lot of the time. For now... I just need to make it to 3 o'clock... The move happens on Thursday the 1st... everyone keep your fingers crossed, please.

Crotchedy

2010-06-29T06:46:00.000-04:00

So let me start with a disclaimer that states that I am in no way trying to mask some horrible case of crotch rot, but it's important that I share my routine in order for this whole situation to make sense. You see, I work in a warehouse. Warehouse equal extreme heat... when the temp is 102 with a heat index of 115 you can expect the warehouse to be even hotter on the inside (the same goes for the cold weather too... warehouses, unless climate controlled tend to be colder or hotter than the actual temp and you have to dress accordingly.)

The way I deal with this situation is to of course rock some cargo shorts and a polo (since when I wear my t-shirts, my boss tends to bitch because it's not as professional... even though there is nobody in the fucking warehouse right now except for supervisors and the managers... 5 of us total...but I digress)... What I like to do and what helps in dealing with being a woman, with a lil extra weight working in temperatures that I can only imagine hell to feel like is to (hear comes the tmi... but you'll get over it I'm sure) a. wear a panty liner... (this serves to catch some of the sweat which pools from places you weren't aware you could sweat from previously, b. use powder on inner thighs (this helps to get your pants back up after peeing and cuts down on the "wet bathing suit effect" which makes getting said pants back on more difficult.) and c. Summer's Eve Feminine deodorant spray ... which yes, I use in the crotch region as well as with my regular deodorant in my arm pits...

So yes, there is a system and while it doesn't eliminate all issues associated with the amount of sweating I do at work, it makes me feel a little bit better, so I'm going to run with it. Well the other day was pride. I was going to be going out in 102 degree heat in the baking sun and decided that I should at least follow through with at least one of my normal three additional steps... I opted for just the spray. I picked it up from the bathroom counter and sprayed and grabbed by underwear to start getting dressed and got a whiff of something that didn't smell right... you see... anyone who has ever used any type of feminine product knows that there is generally a powdery smell, or something fresh... well this smelled odd... that's when I looked at the can and realized that I had just sprayed my vagina and arm pits with travel size Rusk Hairspray and not the summer's eve spray at all...

WTF? Needless to say I had to remedy the situation with a wet wash cloth and start all over again before walking out the door and going to pride. (which was a total disappointment by the way)...

So what have we learned from this situation? It's good to have a routine, but read the can before you spray anything around your vagina... I will have to say that never has my bush had such volume and control, haha.

Update.

2010-05-25T16:57:00.000-04:00

It's no secret that yesterday was my birthday. I turned 29 and had a wicked hangover as some of you may have predicted, lol. I got up at 4 am when my mom called me, showered, tried to function, drank like nine gallons of water because I was totally parched from my antics the night before... well when I sat down behind the steering wheel to drive into work it became rather apparent that I was too trashed to drive. I just couldnt bring myself to risk a DUI on a work day or killing some kid standing outside waiting for a bus. I text my boss and decided to go in around the 9 mark (3 hours later than scheduled)... still nursing my hangover you can imagine how pissed I was to drive into work and discover that we weren't shipping any trucks whatsoever, so I didn't really need to be there...WTF? I could have just slept in on my birthday and no one bothered to share this information with me. Boo.

I was walking out the door (4 o'clock pm) by this point when my phone rang. I figured it was one of the 973 phone calls I received with birthday wishes (I hate the telephone...despise it really, but do appreciate the birthday thoughts...) My sister tried to text me 29 times with a happy birthday message, luckily tiring out by text #6... but I digress... It was not a birthday wish...it was Kathy from the apartments that Jen and I were trying to get into.

She wanted to let me know that we were both accepted... I was very pleased to say the least and then asked how much more of a security deposit we'd need, figuring between the two of us our credit was jacked up somewhere... no more money needed. Our security deposit would stay 99 bucks, which I had already paid to secure the apartment and ensure she wouldn't give it away to anyone else. Now all that has to be paid is my non-refundable pet deposit. No problem. Pepper is coming with us... but Chino is not. Chad's allergies are too bad to live with a cat in a place that size...plus Chino has lived at Grandmas since he was 6 months old and considering he's like 6 years old now... I don't want to uproot him.... now the task is going to be to convince Gma that she wants Chino around for company (which she loves having him around for) and that I'll still come up on the weekends to do her hair/change the litter box... If she says no that I'm going to have to find a home for him and I think that may kill him (or me come to think of it.)...

I left work and immediately called Jen and was like, so do you want the good news or the bad news...she of course wouldn't play along...She was like, "oh my god, just tell me we didnt get the apartment and get it over with..." lol... no fun (I've been calling her debbie downer since recently she has adopted my normal bubble bursting demeanor), lol.... I told her and I could hear the smile on her face... she was stoked... we both were.

It's exciting. It's still nerve racking to know that i'm going to be literally broke and potentially kill me to know that my girl is going to be pulling more of the weight than I will at this place financially, but that won't be forever hopefully...

I shared my theory with Jen the other day... (she didn't find it as amusing as I did and I'm pretty sure she called me a jackass which is my petname as of late, hahah) but My theory is... that gay marriage will be legal in VA (and hell by all states) by the time I make my last student loan payment...at the ripe ol' age of 59. 30 years from now. I mean I figure that buys us some time, hahah.

Anyway... thanks everyone for the good luck wishes and crossed fingers. It was a fantastic birthday present to receive.

Now I have one more our to kill at work...I stayed late so that I could set off bug/roach foggers in the breakroom in the warehouse...I've seen way too many roaches to want to bring in a lunchbox and potentially take them home with me...friggin' gross. I can't set them off til everyone is out of the building.... now to finish my work...

wooohoooo

2010-05-23T20:33:00.000-04:00

(Me and the love of my friggin' life... Jen, the beautiful)

So tomorrow is my birthday...what's been goin on in my world you ask? well the same ol same ol...right now I'm trashed and it feels oh so fabulsou. my mom did burgers on the grill which got rained out but was still awesome...we broke out the captain morgain and drank and drank and drank...it was great.

Mom gave me my present early (with dad on Skype via kosovo) ... it was a silver pelican necklace..the pelican's mouth is open with a diamond in it... the diamond is from my mom's engagement ring from 29 years ago..>(* I turn 20 tomorrow)... friggin' sweet. Like I love the amount of thought that went into this... it's great. great great.

Jen and I found an apartment which we love...hopefully we'll find out by tuesday if we got it or not... I'm excited. I can't wati to live with her... all the time. Im having one more drink and then it'll be bed time. I've gtotta load 4 containers tomorrow to go to CHina... Happy birthday to me... god today was great... just great... cross your fingers for Jen and i.

It's werid ... my ex prior to Jen sent me a friend request via facebook whcih i wasn't going to accept but Jen said to go ahead becasue she wanted to be flaunted, lol... the ex actually invited me and "my girl" as she put it to this shin dig, but I declined, I just don't see the point...

I draink sooo much captian morgan tonight... now I'm winding down with a lil Jack. god aI Haven drank in soooo long. I'm sure I'll drink next weekend when I take lil man and Jen to the beach again for my annual beach tripo.

(Oh yeah, I totally went there...)... lol....

Crooss your fingers for us...I really want this place to live. I'm excited. Soooo excited. I love her. OH SO FUCKING MUCH. It's riduclous how much I care for her... we totalluy balance each other out... in such a great way....

happy berfday to me. hehe.

add this to the history books

2010-04-28T21:38:00.000-04:00

There was a time when I was really burned out at my job and just hated it. I was miserable. Hell, somedays I still feel this way. It's a total "boys club" and I feel like I have to work twice as hard as anyone else to acheive the same results in their eyes... if that makes sense. I've cried at work at least twice now...the first time when I was talking with my boss about my frustrations during the busy seasons and how I felt like I was lied to and then just thrown into the deep in and given the swim or drown option. I have nothing in common with the guys I work in my opinion. More so many in areas of sports, not intersted, nascar, definitely not interested... food... I mean shit let's face it I'm always attempting a new diet so NO I don't always want to recipe swap...

I had been notified by a friend I used to work with that the company I had left prior to my current position was hiring a Supervisor. I thought to myself, "sweet, I can do that"... I was looking for an easy way out in my mind. I drug my feet and put it off and put it off, but finally set down and posted my resume to the job board they were using. I didn't hear anything for a while so I thought nothing of it until last Friday when I got a call from the HR Manager asking me to come in on Wednesday to interview. I was sort of excited and ancy but just stored it in the back of my mind rather than letting it consume me like I do some things. I worked 10 hours Monday and Tueday to justify leaving 2 hours early today to make the appointment. I needed time to go home and shower and what not. It was weird. I styled my hair in a faux hawk (something i wouldn't generally do for an interview...I'd normally do work appropriate girl hair... not today. I wore short sleeves instead of long like I normally would to cover up my new huge tattoo and my other smaller ones...I just chocked it up to be, "they know me there, why pretend to be something I'm not."

I wasn't nervous at all which too was not "normal." I'm at the point where I'm kind of a pro in the interview dept...not to say that I know everything but damn...I've been to enough of them (I'm a job hopper unfortunately, but I feel like it's important to have certain expectations of self improvement and growth in ones life...) but I digress...

I get there and everyone is recognizing me and coming out to talk to me while I waited in the lobby, etc... and all I could think is what the FUCK am I doing here. I started remembering everything that bothered me about this company when I was the on-site supervisor for the staffing company that supplied labor to them, why all of a sudden after saying the "I don't ever want to work for this place" was I there, impersonating someone who was interested and would be an asset? Who is this person? The first interview was 45 minutes long with 2 supervisors and 2 managers--grilling me... cutting each other off to be the one that was doing the speaking etc... it was hell. I half assed it and answered the questions in an aroundabout way... I was inside of my head... sitting and watching this go on.... yet, doing nothing to stop it. I played dumb and acted like I didn't notice the tone of some of their questions and replayed images of all the times that some of these folks in front of me had made what I felt were the worst decision or choices EVER and found myself asking, "really Tommy, are these people you want as your mentors?"

That sounds awful. These people are not bad, they are just associated with things that are stuck in my head, part of times that are etched on my soul and the foundation for many of my biggest frustrations. I sat there for a good ten minutes after the first interview to wait for the second firing squad to come in. When they came in, of course more familiar faces... an ops manager, a supervisor, and the HR Manager.

I remember answering their questions and realizing that i had absolutely nothing positive to say about this company...if this situation was put on a scale, the cons side was at this point on the floor and the pros portion suspended, dangling lifeless, midair...

I told them how my ultimate goal is to end up a CEO of a Fortune 500 company... obviously this isn't going to happen overnight...its going to take a lot of hard work, infiltrating many a boys club, etc... but I didn't go into detail for them.

I used many analogies and compared my career path/goals to a suitcase. For now, it has a travel bag and a couple of outfits, a flip flop or two, etc... but by the time I get to where I'm supposed to be, it's going to be so full of clothes, accessories, etc (my way of saying skill sets) that it will take me and two other people sitting on it to zip it closed.

I'm rambling here... but I'll get there I promise.

When I was asked the same question reworded for about the 3rd time it became apparent to me that I wasn't fooling anyone. They were wondering what i was doing there even more than I was at this point, it was no surprise. It was then that I knew I couldn't bullshit and drag this out anymore. In reference to their "Okay, but WHY (insert company's name here)" I simply said, "I have no idea."

I could feel my eyes start to well up...fuck why do I cry at the most inappropriate times...it makes no damn sense. Oh well... I started to cry but managed to get out, I'm sorry for wasting ya'll time...

I pulled myself together after about a minute or so and continued on the conversation... it was at that point that I just let it all hang out. I spent over 30 minutes with them discussing how they could improve. I talked about how I felt that the team members ran the place and how the supervisors really don't have the authority they should and when they are given then authority to make certain decisions, then the ops managers turn around and veto said decision and then act like they were idiots for attempting to make a decision. No damn sense whatsoever. I even went as far to talk about how their concept of communication is flawed and how it was a matter that got anything accomplished as far as improving processes, etc because no one listens to the other person...it's a non stop competition where one person wants to be heard so they cut off the person speaking so that they accomplish that feat... and it's the same pig headed people that are doing it and nothing is being said. The part I couldn't believe was how I told them that the supervisor they had fired, (for whose positions they are now trying to fill) was a huge error on their part. I reminded them how the part involved blatantly lied and when i pointed it out they didnt even acknowledge I had said anything (screw an investigation their minds were made up)... they didn't listen when I tried to tell them about the team members conspiring against this guy because they didn't like them... I said you guys fail to realize that there is time between incidents being reported to the actual investigation beginning... ENOUGH TIME for anyone and everything to get his/her story straight...

Long story short, if you do something to piss off a team member they could easily file a false claim against you and odds are the supervisor/manager who is accused won't have a job in the end of it. It was crazy

They told me that they appreciated my input, took notes, said that they weren't nearly as far along as they had thought, and even asked me if I had noticed that they didn't try to deny anything of what I was saying.

It felt so amazing to get all this shit off of my chest. All the things that irked me when I was an outsider looking in and couldnt say because I had to have the best interest of the client in mind...and it would have been unprofessional. It didn't matter.

Nothing mattered... I mean yeah I was technically burning a bridge that I may someday need...but it took this for me to realize that I make an impact where I'm at...I love speaking spanish, or attempting to at least, etc I but heads with the guys, but I don't give them nearly enough credit. Sure, most of the time I just like to bitch because Im good at it, but how many people these days can say that the make a decent wage, have their 401 k matched six percent (after a year), are offered Aflac at a killer discount, have their medical, dental, etc paid by the company 100 %, get free flower bulbs at the end of the season, etc... SERIOUSLY... I have a pretty sweet gig... I just need to work on my communication skills and try to keep from crying when I get sooooooo frustrated.

If I could change one thing about me it would be the crying thing when I'm super scared or super frustrated... i would be able to appear stoic at work and keep it moving... I'm just so passionate at times about things I care about that I just get overwhelmed and the only way for the energy to escape is in the form of tears.

I'm such a fucking girl sometimes and that bothers me.

So that my friends is how I spent 2 hours at an interview where I ended up having an epiphany, burning a bridge, and dropping about 50 pounds of baggage from my soul. Overall, a damn good day.

a wee bit better

2010-04-21T22:52:00.000-04:00

I went to the service today and thought for sure I was going to keep my shit together... i really thought I had it out of my system--boy was i fucking wrong. The family had picked several different songs paired with photos of Scott and I cried my ass off.

I saw people I hadn't seen in forever, a couple of folks from high school (one who is a funeral director for where we were)... I didn't do the oh, oh my god, we should get together thing because it's fucking bullshit. If we were for real friends then we would still communicate for real... I don't have anything in common with folks from high school... there are very few (like one person) I actually associate with and she was a year behind me haha... and I don't see her all that often

The point is that the service really got me thinking... who would come to mine if I were to die right now? I mean yeah my family would be there that's a given, but I've burned so many bridges in my life I don't see a huge crowd of people lining up to pay respects. I mean there might be folks from high school to pay their respects from back in the day... and then I ask, does it really matter? Am I going to live my life according to who may or may not show up when I'm dead. I'll be dead, it's not going to be relevant.

I told my mom that whne I die, if it's before her that I want my organs donated, then I want to be cremated, and have my ashes dumped somewhere down in North Carolina on Hatteras Island... I don't care where, that's just what i want... mom gets weak and laughs hysterically and tells me she'll flush me and eventually I'll end up in the sea, haha...

I took mom to lunch after the service... a lil mexican to hit the spot. Came back home and laid down to take a nap...with intentions of just a couple hours to decompress and four hours later got up.

It's funny that I find myself being "needy" something that Jen wishes I was more of when she isn't around to take advantage of it .... I really just wanted to cuddle and be lazy with her today...but I'll be able to soon, she comes back on Friday evening and I'll make it a point to have movies and eats and just veg with her...

Overall, I feel like there has been a weight lifted off of me. I feel like I've cried enough and cleansed my soul's pallette if you will.

I'm just kind of everywhere right now. I'm lost and have been left to wander through my own thoughts and that can be a scary scary thing.

I'm sure I'll figure it all out in the long run. I need to stop saying that I'm real, and then being a closet case... my sexuality isn't being questioned here so perhaps closet is the wrong term to use... what I'm talking about is how when I start something like a diet or change of lifestyle I do it in front of people but behind closed doors I eat my body weight in shit that I know I shouldn't or that defeats the whole purpose of what I'm doing...

I say that I'm happy with myself, but am I really, If I was I wouldn't dread running into people from high school and immediately feel like they are judging me or that I'm not good enough... Honestly, I took steps in the direction to break my usual habits. I sent friend requests to a ton of folks from high school, I want them to see my profile and be like whoa, Tommy... who would have thought. No I don't have anything to prove to them, I realized, that where before I had been ducking and dodging and not feeling good enough--now I want to advertise how fabulous my life is. I dont care what they think or what might be said because in the end I'll know that I'm content with how my life is and that I've come a long way to get where I am.

I wasn't always someone who could speak freely... I wasn't a person that did what I wanted... I lived my life for so long according to how others thought it should be lived... I love that I'm outspoken, and openly gay, I love that I'm capable of loving a woman like Jen on the level that I've never done before in my entire life... I love the vulnerability that comes with giving all of myself to this one person and knowing that she has no intention of ever crushing it.. I love that there's a kid in my life that I never saw working... and he warms my heart... I love that I'm capable of coming out of a funk by just clearing my mind... (most of the time)

I'm getting lil man from my mom after school tomorrow so that she can get ready to head to the beach... Friday morning I'll drive him to school, keep myself amused, get him from school, and wait patiently for Jen to get home, listen to her adventures, pencil in some dirty kinky sex, with a locked door this time,

It's wrong to say but I do look forward to lil man's trip to see his dad this summer. Jen and I have plans of doing our move then and then have him come back and everything already be settled, but more importantly we'll be able to sleep naked and have sex anywhere in the place that we want WHENEVER... hell we could have sex and stay naked and watch a movie or something I dunno I'm sure we'll get creative.

One more day of work and then my three day weekend is a go. Tomorrow is payday... hell yeah. I'm going to get my mind wrapped around it and come monday I will be doing this Rice diet hard core all over again, I made it 3 and 1/2 days last time, cheating every day... I'm going to do this just to prove to myself that I can. I'll do it for a week or two religiously and then reward with a single meal that isn't too crazy to blow that whole two weeks out of the water...sounds good in theory anyway...

I'm roasting, time to open the windows, walk the dog and head back to bed :) Four am comes freakin' early...

I have a lot to say...so here it is

2010-04-20T19:47:00.000-04:00

I'm not in the mood to be judged, I'm not looking for a shoulder to cry on, but it dawned on me that I hadn't blogged in forever and I feel like the lack of it correlates to the fact that I'm in a funk that I can't get out of. I don't give a shit about punctuation or spelling...I don't care if I make sense or not... I'm in a mood, can you tell? I've locked myself upstairs, I dodged grandma who was luckily out taking Pepper for her daily ride when I got here.

Jen is now in Dallas for the next few days for work and lil man is with my mom up the road... Saturday a guy that I've known practically all my life died. My parents house was built when I was 5/6 and he was our neighbor directly across the street. His name was Scott. Scott was a normal guy, older than me--younger than his brother Mark and had a lil brother named Jeff. When I was in High School, my senior year actually I started hanging out with Jeff all the time. He was a cool guy (though much more mature than he was in the days when he and his friends would come over and use our woods to play war or paint ball...) I don't know specifics but I'd have to say that Jeff is like 4 or 5 years older than me and Scott was between 6 and 10--awful I don't even know for sure. It was never important.

Their parents, June and Paul are the most wonderful people you could ever hope to meet. But I digress...the point is that Scott is dead and I'm rather bummed. Scott was diagnosed with a type of Leukodystrophy so as time progressed I watched him having a harder and harder time getting around until the point that he was in a wheel chair and relying on his parents to do most everything for him. He was part of a study being done at NIH, the type of leukodystophy he had, 4-H syndrome that there was a time that doctor's considered naming it after scott. Anyway... mom called me on Saturday to let me know that Scott had passed away. Pul had made him a sandwhich and went to go do something, when he came back, Scotty had choked to death. He tried CPR among other things, but it was too late.

I called out of work Monday because I was just bummed in general...I needed a mental health day... Mom convinced me to go over and pay my respects which I knew I needed to do, but was dreading because I was already sad and fighting my own little bout of depression that I'm famous for. I went over and found June on the phone talking to what turns out to someone at NIH. They had called to tell her that since Scott had donated his body to science, they were able to look at his tissue and what not and the findings were TREMENDOUS... so June was estactic and burst into tears... that of course made me cry.

Jeff was there too. But I didn't know who he was. This guy who I had known for years and years and years and used to look up to and considered a great friend for a long time--he never wanted to have kids or be married and he hated dogs... now, he's married with a kid and has two dogs. There was no connection like there had been... He had no interest in seeing me, he didn't even introduce me to his wife. I complimented him on how cute his 7 and 1/2 month old daughter was (though I made it clear that Charley, my niece was wayyyyyy cuter)... it doesn't matter overall because I wasn't there for him... he had written me off years ago...I was more concerned about Paul and June... I needed my own closure...

I left and walked across the road... my foot hit moms yard and I burst into tears...uncontrollable sobbing... I can't tell if it's because of the situation, I mean Scott and I are weren't all that close, he had a crush on me and asked my mom once if she'd care if he kissed me, she laughed said she wouldnt mind but said that I might have a problem with it. He was just a good guy... the purest soul I've ever known... I feel so bad for Paul and June.

There is a service tomorrow. I told everyone at work that he was my cousin. They give me nothing but shit there, they wouldn't understand if I had said my friend or neighbor... I'm a liar. One lie after another. It dawned on me that I take so many of my friendships, relationships, etc for granted. I've created this hermit-like life. I hang out with my family, occassionally with Julie to play catch up...spend my weekends with jen and lil man... It was easier to live this lie when i was with Stephanie. She was antisocial and hated my friends. I was always able to use her as an excuse to not see them, to not hang out, to close myself off... now that I'm with someone and have been for some time who is out going and fun and friendly, the facade is wearing thin.

I like having people in my life, but when I want them to be there. I'm kind of a loner... I'm content being alone in my thoughts and even have to tell Jen from time to time that I need me time...which she finds hard to understand sense she feels like a weekend only girlfriend as it is...

I can't explain what I'm going through right now. I'm sitting here blogging and crying and being lame in general. PMS may be to blame...sounds good anyway. The fact of the matter is that my shit doesn't work right and I can't remember the last time I bled... which means that when it finally does happen I'll bleed for at least 2 to four months straight... sucks, but it's the truth. Had to have a DNC done almost two years ago because of it... doctors couldn't fix it... But even without the bleeding part I still PMS like a bitch. I'm a fucking crazy person sometimes. No, most of the time.

I have bulbs and bulbs and bulbs to plant. I brought home over 600 dollars in bulbs this past season and at the end of it and dispersed them to folks that I thought would appreciate them...even sent some to colorado to Jen's parents...I'm bulbed out. We're in the slow time right now.... Mid july will start the Fall season, so crocus, hyacinth, tulips, daffodils, etc will be on the list...no break followed by the holiday season...

I'm planning a trip to Kentucky for my grandpa's 70th b-day in may...haven't been there in years... it will be a nice change of scenery I think. I'm wondering if I can make the trek to Nashville and see some friends I have there still (lived there for about 6 months)... and it's only a couple hour drive from my grandma's... not sure how I'll work that though, unless Uncle John wants to carpool or something, I dunno...

Lil man called me Mom for the first time a month or two ago. He does it intermittenly... I don't ask him to, but I respond...We've gone from Mommy and Tommy to Mommy and mommy... it made me feel all warm and tingly inside... though that wore off when the door krept open while trying to do the dirty with Jen... I've never moved so quick in my life... lol... had to get under the covers with a quickness... luckily he was too asleep to notice anything was up... phew... Gonna need to be locking doors during play time for real now. Awkward.

I finally consolidated my loans so that should be going through any day now... joined a gym and am enjoying going, most of the time. I struggle when I'm in a funk like I currently am...Im still trying to figure out a way to lose weight that i'll actually stick to and not do for just a few days until I give up and say fuck it with candy bar in hand...

I go through phases of hating my job which was rampant around the time I cussed my boss out and told him that he could write me up for insubordination and that I'd sign the fucking papers, I'm done... He didn't speak to me for two weeks, now things seem to be okay...and I never got wrote up. It's such a boys club there and I have nothing in common with my coworkers. Two Supervisors were fired over a month ago or so... so I'm the only female in the warehouse... all they talk about is sports which I have no interest in... I was told at one point that me being a lesbian was a phase I was going through... really... I'm glad you think you know me that well... fuckers.

I have no motivation,, no desire to do anything really and it sucks...it's lame really. Im hungry. I get up at four in the morning these days and stay up WAY WAY WAY too late... I need to rectify that situation, maybe I'll go find something to eat and crawl into bed for an early night.

I'M FAMOUS.... THAT'S RIGHT BITCHES.... F-A-M-O-U-S

2010-03-02T23:59:00.000-05:00

So I commented on Facebook about retiring my license plates to go a little more corporate... (the new ones have already come in the mail, but I'm a slacker who has yet to put them on her vehichle...)

I posted this same picture on my facebook page because my cousin Kat wanted to see it, she thought it was hilarious. Well, I logged into facebook a few minutes ago with intentions of farming, because yes I'm still a Farmville addict, don't fucking judge me... and I had a message from Jude. Dear, sweet, oh so fucking wonderful (seriously) Jude asked me if I knew that my license plate was on a blog??? OF COURSE NOT... but now that I do... I just wanted to let everyone know that in my mind, this makes me OH SO FUCKING FAMOUS, HAHA.

Click Here to see the blog my plate appears in. Granted, this is an old blog entry from like July of last year...but still spectacular. They are so off in pegging the owner (me)... They think I'm a dude GYN who went to UVA...

Hope it doesn't pop too many bubbles, but ya'll all know that I'm no dude. Just a fun loving lesbo with a fucked up sense of humor, with no care of political correctness most of the time. THank you Jude for pointing out this fabulous link and making my day/night. YOU ROCK.

Wait til my mom gets back from Greece and I show her this shit. I need to call Jen, but she's probably asleep... OMG this is too great for words. It's way past my bed time but I'm amped up on cold meds and out of work tomorrow with a doctor's note... I seem to be staying sick this year.

Jude, if you are ever out this way--I'm fucking taking you to dinner. Or better yet, you crash here... I'll let you sleep in between me and Jen... hehe... (just kidding) PEPPER WOULD SO NEVER LET THAT HAPPEN...THAT'S HER SPOT.

foot sex backfires

2010-02-21T22:21:00.000-05:00

So the other day I tried out a new and oh so fabulous product. Goldbond has a pain relieving foot cream that's formulated to work differently than just a normal bengay type product because it's designed to penetrate through tough callused feet...

This product is AWESOME for the record. It was like bengay on CRACK.... way better. However, I must remind anyone who uses this product to wash one's hands before rubbing one out or else your clit may catch fire like mine did.

I text Jen to tell her that my vajayjay was on fire, but oddly invigorated, hahah... she was like, "oh no, poor thing..." She checked on me and "ol girl" the following day... all I'm saying is damn... lesson learned. Rub clit, then rub feet...

I don't think i could wash my hands enough to make it safe... I'm just glad I tortured myself and that Jen wasn't here for me to get all down and dirty with and set her insides on fire...haha.

Have a great week everyone.

check, check, and check

2010-02-17T22:44:00.000-05:00

My lips are chapped. Not the rough scratchy peely kind of chapped...but like burning on fire from working in the freezing cold all the time (my freezing cold being 30is--not Mel's snow hell freezing cold)...

I got my tax return and blew most of it...some responsibly, some not so much.

I paid off all my medical bills that I owed on :) Yay... I feel so grown up and shit.

I got a fucking sweet 4 inch memory foam mattress pad that rocks my world. I laid on it the first time and came... I wish I was kidding. Now the problem isn't waking up with lower back pain because the mattress sucks, it's waking up achy because I didn't turn over AT ALL... Jen found the same problem. It's great though because since before I had rigged two twins to make a king... the issue was always the crack in the middle. For the first time ever (at my house anyway) Jen and I were able to cuddle crack free (well at least mattress crack free, ha)

I got a new computer that actually came today--I'm using it now :) woohoo.. I heart dell. I discovered their outlet center and bought a scratch and dent model which arrived without a single scratch looking brand new and restored to factory standards and got it 500 gb and all for half the normal price....SWEET.

I got my eyes examined today and ordered two new pairs of glasses (one reg and one pair of sunglasses for my planned fishing expeditions down in Hatteras, NC)...

I am so anti valentine's day... My parents anniversary was VDay... 29 years of marriage... phenomenol (ranks up there with Jude and Mrs. Judes anniversary...shes my hero in case you didn't know)... Dad is still in Kosovo...but mom is leaving early ass tomorrow morning to fly to Greece and meet up with for two weeks and have lots of dirty kinky sex i'm sure. But I digress... I feel like VDay is such a market nightmare. I caved though because even though Jen said she wasn't into the whole VDay thing... something about her tone indicated otherwise. I'm trying to grow in the relationship and am trying a new concept called compromise. With that being said, I marched straight into her theatre (mind you she can't be openly gay and I've never taken her flowers or anything there...had them delivered a couple of times or so... mainly just use Lil Man as a decoy because whose going to question a moms kid bringing her stuff to work)... I marched up on a Friday fucking night with 973 million people carrying a potted red Tulip and an OBNOXIOUSly large heart balloon and knocked on the ticket window to get her attention (she was helping one of her employees).... when she let me in I was so discombolalated it wasn't even funny...she called me out on how nervous I was... she found it quite funny...I couldn't even get words out I WAS FREAKING... but I made her the center of attention at work and outed her accidentally to her new assistant, lol... but it's all good.

I didn't even mention this to Jen, but I actually put a chunk of change away in savings for my moving out of Gma's house plan.... to help Jen and I in the long run (I'm very proud of this)... like I mean it looks like I'm not going to get tattoo number 13 right now (I won't say ever) but I have to have my priorities right.

I cut all my hair off again and have regressed back to the faux hawk.

Mom gave me a book to read called the Happiness Project by some Gretchin chick... I've only read the preface but it basically talks about the authors discontentment. Like she wasnt' sad or depressed, she just wasn't "happy"... it goes on to help discover individual happiness... I could use that.

It seesm like all I ever do these days is bitch and whine. I said I was going to stop doing both at work and it turns out that I just don't have a lot of shit to say, period. sad.

I still havent changed back to my healthy eating habits and I'm starting to feel fat again... like the uncomfortable fatty feel... not cool. Still haven't joined the gym... it's still on my list.. Right now I'm just trying to wait on my new shoes to arrive ... I broke down and spent a bazillion bucks on a pair of MBTs.... I tried some on and I swear to god it was like walking on air... I felt fifty pounds lighter because there wasn't all that weight on my feet and joints... this is going to help... if I can get my feet to not hurt...then I can explore my exercise goals further.

check, check, check

Double Ds

2010-02-08T22:21:00.000-05:00

I ran some errands with mom yesterday... she needed to return some bras that she wasn't very fond of and while we were there I was looking to see what they had. For the record this was JCPenney (not Victoria Secret since the only thing they sell in my size is lotion)... but I digress

I normally buy my bras at Lane Bryant... I typically wear a 42 B (impressive right HA)... well I felt like I wasn't buying the right size...so I asked the lady to fit me for a bra... I'm almost 29 and have never actually been "fitted"... I wear what fits and what's comfortable...

The lady wrapped the tape around me and told me that I was a 44 Double Fucking D.... What, are you serious??? Where the fuck are those boobs...cuz they aren't on my chest for sure and I'm sure Jen will vouch for me in this area. I'm comfortable with what I have... they don't hurt my back, or take up a lot of space...but anyway...I just couldn't believe that shit... a 44 DD...

That lady must have needed a break, her blood sugar was obviously low.... If I fucking had DDs I'd probably never leave the house... I'm a boobie girl... thats why Jen and I get along so well... muaauauauahahahaha

a horrific day

2010-02-08T21:40:00.000-05:00

So I had a shitty day today and it wasn't just because it was Monday. Long story short I now work for a company whose warehouse division has been deemed inadequate (the division that I'm now a supervisor in) "we" are fucking things up left and right in the eyes of many. I've worked for places where shit happened and a solution had to be found QUICK. Well what I'm finding is that due to some people being inadequate in their position, a chain reaction has been caused. I'm not laying blame on one person specifically by any means. I even own the fact that when I pull orders I have been known to not send the correct amount (as in, if I need 512 bags of product and that equals 13 cases and I have say 15 cases on a pallet, hell yeah... I'll send the whole pallet)

I've learned my lesson though because this did nothing but create more work for me and my team in the long run. Back to the shitty day though-- Today was a shipping day. We were supposed to ship the 2nd wave of a particular customers order out... this is a BIG account. Well the only thing that went out was Water plants... (only about 1/4 of the total shipment) You see that what had happened was.... some of the plants/packages produced in house were put in the wrong bags. To fix this a label was made to put over the "wrong" directions that were preprinted on said bag... well the big wigs including the VP of sales who in a normal situation should never really step foot in the warehouse is going to be coming out into the warehouse tomorrow and doing a check of every single rack that was supposed to go out today to ensure that the appropriate label is on EVERY SINGLE box.

Big deal right? Um... if anything is fucked up on this shipment this customer is pulling their business... so yeah BIG FUCKING DEAL....SERIOUS SHIT....This means that worse case scenario EVERYONE could be fired and they could choose to start from scratch.

I'm kind of pissed though because I'm being reemed for shit that really isn't my fault (and so is the other new guy in shipping) but because I'm part of the team....EVERYONE IS AT FAULT. Blah...

I dunno...I know that tomorrow is going to be hell...this whole week really...we are now behind in shipping which is pushing us behind for the rest of the week. I just wish shit was more organized and I worked with more accountable people...or that they'd get rid of the folks that are fucking shit up before we all get escorted out of the building.

Ugh. Breathing....breathing....

Productivity increases...

2010-02-07T23:06:00.000-05:00

I still havent joined the gym. I'm down a total of 26 pounds now since starting (and then slightly giving up on my weight loss goals)... like November I think...

I finally sat down this evening and applied to consolidate all of my student loans (an estimated 49,000 will cost me about $96000 over the next 25 years if approved)...ridiculous.

I initiated the talk today with Jen. The one where I mentioned to her and tried to get a feel for her thoughts on us moving in together. It's not going to happen tomorrow or anything... this summer is the plan. Details still need to be worked out. We both want to be closer to our jobs, I'm freaking because I don't know how much I can actually afford in rent with all my other bills, but I feel like its time to grow up and make it work... I can't live with grandma much longer. The summer will be the perfect time...lil man will be out of school and visiting his grandparents or dad... all the moving can take place, she can move him to a new school district if necessary and we can get everything set up. I'd love to find an inexpensive lil house to rent with a fenced in back yard for Pepper...but I don't know if that's feasible or not. Time will tell. The important thing is that for the first time in my life... I feel certain of my decision in bringing this up. I dunno it's hard to explain my feelings right now... plus I'm rushing because I need to get all these random thoughts out of my head and get to bed... I have to work in the am...

My eyes are burning. I didn't sleep well last night. I keep having these random nightmares and pepper was being a damn bed hog. Go figure. I didn't watch the Superbowl... I havent watched a single football game this season, why would I start now..I don't even care about the commercials... guess that makes me a bad american or something

The director of operations at work thinks hes getting fired and has basically said that the rate we are going we will all be replaced. The warehouse department is seeming to be inadequate and more time is being spent fixing shit than just doing it right the first time... this is scary... but I'm just hoping that shit will fix itself or that we can correct shit before it hits the fan... I dunno what else to say about any of it...

I did my taxes the other day. I owe Virginia $3... can you believe that shit. I went ahead and paid them only because the one year I neglected to file with VA they sent me a bill stating I owed like 700 bucks according to their estimates...I filed and they ended up owing me 35... wankers.

I've been living in snow/rain hell...the snow part is uncommon for Coastal VA... to say the least. Last weekend we ended up getting about 7 inches and life stopped for most of the area... hell lil man didn't go back to school until Thursday (the snow fell on Friday/Saturday...) crazy... I hate snow. We had flurries again this weekend but nothing crucial or life threatening...this time it was northern VA and DC that got it... record snowfall from what I understand.

I have so much stuff to get out tonight and not enough time to do it... judging my the smell leaking from Pepper's ass...it's time to take her out and call it a night...

Perhaps I'll have time to get caught up... I'm not counting on it though... blah blah blah

Jungle Joose.

2010-01-22T23:11:00.000-05:00

Tonight I found myself tallying the hours spent at work thus far... I came up with 63. I have a minimum of 24 hours more to work between tomorrow and Sunday. Yes, Sunday. Who knew that flower bulbs could be this serious? Inventory is chaos. Jude asked the other day if I could get any help from inventory control... the problem is, I am inventory control. This place is always going to be chaotic but there needs to be a level of control--that's what's lacking.

Give a lil bit...give a lil bit of your life to me... (sorry that was in a movie that I'm watching...lol.)

I'm tired of bitching about work...seems like all I do lately. I need a break from bitching.

I took Jen to dinner tonight. I hadnt seen her in a week... I'm always tired and my feet hurt...etc...(no I haven't been to the doctor, haven't had time with work, plus no insurance)-- it's gotten to the point a couple of days where I considered the emergency room they hurt so bad. But there I go again, back on my "downer" ways.

I haven't been to the gym, or consolidated my student loans and I missed (kind of on purpose) the application deadline to apply for the MBA program I'm interested in.

I stopped on the way home and bought a JOOSE. For anyone whose never experienced it, I recommend experiencing it at least once in your life time. It's a flavored Malt Beverage that is available at most gas stations that sell alcohol, lol, it shouldn't cost your more than three bucks, unless your state just has a seriously high tax rate...I'm drinking the green one, called Jungle JOOSE, lol... it says, "premium malt beverage with natural flavors, taurine, ginseng, caffeine, etc... so yeah it's like an alcoholic energy drink... probably not good for you but totally rocking my world for right now.

My computer is running hot tonight, it's burning my lap.

I won't get to see Jen this weekend, which means that my stress levels are going to be even higher due to the level of sexual frustration I'm rocking. I'm mean shit, a girl can rub her own til it's raw, but it's never as good as it is with someone you love :) hehe...

I'm really trying to not give myself an anneurism over this job. I really am, I'm trying to "go with the flow" but I haven't figured it all out yet... it's not hard, it really isn't, but... they make it difficult...

dammit...I can't seem to get off that topic.

I bought a new wax warmer tonight-- I'm way behind on my facial upkeep which means that I'm rocking several bristly whiskers on my chin, neck, cheeks, my brows are a hot mess... I'm past due for a hair cut... but who has the time... and who am I trying to impress.

I told my boss that I had a long standing appointment on Monday and that I needed to leave at 2:30 in the afternoon. Not a lie, I have an appointment... I need to get my car inspected and the hours I'm working--theres no time.. I'm not in the mood to pay any tickets for dumb shit... ya know. Then I'm going to do my ex boss/mom's hair... then back to normal Tuesday... work. blah.

I'd like to win the lottery this evening... catch a case of anal glaucoma and never see my ass going to work ever again... haha.

I got on the scales this morning and I'm down another five pounds...though I'm not sure how since my new found old habit of fast food ALLL the time because I'm too fucking tired and my feet hurt too bad to cook whenever I get home. I worked from 7a to 10:15p on Wednesday... RIDICULOUS.

I just finished watching the Invention of lying... I cried during the previews. Funny. Jen commented at dinner how I was way butch these days... Haven't wore makeup in a long while, dirt under my fingernails, I'm getting some serious "guns" from lifting crates of bulbs and shit all day... Jeans, boots, etc... I'm sooooooo different (sort of) compared to how she's used to seeing me :) lol. Funny. I don't really know how to label myself...I have moments for everything it seems. But what it boils down to is that of all things I'm probably a whiny bitchy girl despite saying or telling myself that I'm not.

Whatever.

I have a fabulous body buzz right now... God I need to drink Joose more often..>I'm such a light weight though...I only drank half of this drink...and I'm comfy... The time I drank two of these in a night I ended up with a lesbian with missing teeth whisperin/yelling in my ear something about her place, a plastic shower curtain, baby oil and an air conditioner??? and I took the lime out of her mouth after a tequilla shot she bought me...My sister has yet to let me live this down... she sat across the table mouth agape looking at me like WTF dude, before you started drinking you commented on her missing teeth... (which I had...I said something to the affect of, if her mouth looks like that I'm scared what her pussy would do to me...) yes I'm a hater... don't judge me.

Oh I wish I could stay up late and sleep in all day... not an option...it's passed my bedtime...I've done no laundry so I'll be getting creative in what to wear tomorrow...I want to take Pepper for a ride...she hasn't been in the car with me for weeks... poor girl.

I've made no sense of anything this evening. I hate that I'm a selfish blogger...I havent read anyone's lately (for a long while...) and I'm constantly bitching. I Mean technically I blog for me, but hello..I miss peering into everyone's life from my side of the world.

Deep breath in...exhale... set alarm, pass out, work work work, no sex, work work work, no sex, work work, lol...NO SEX... dammit...

Not quite what I imagined

2010-01-17T23:58:00.000-05:00

I always imagined hitting my 300th blog to feel really accomplished and fantastic. I remember hitting that 100 mark and thinking, wow...that happened fast...maybe too fast... then came 200 and I debated doing something phenomenal to mark the occasion, but again opted against it--probably because it wasn't uncommon for me to blog my ass off on the regular.

Jen introduced me to blogger. Before that I had blogged via myspace, but was limited as to what I felt like I could say because "my friends could read it at anytime" and well my "friends" were not necessarily real friends (often coworkers, people from past lives, whatever... and often times the subjects that I wanted to bitch about in the first place)... I ditched the myspace scene for this very reason... That's how Jen found me (as I've mentioned before)... and I just didn't feel the need to keep myself out there for potential drama...or to sound conceited a potential admirer.... haha. (as if)

It was a friend of Jen's that had introduced her to blogger and I'm glad. I recall being so butt hurt in the beginning...even though I was blogging just to vent and find an outlet, I secretly wanted people to read my stuff and find it interesting or helpful, or funny, or as their own outlet... I longed for someone to sit on their side of the world and think, "man, I can relate to that..." or "what the hell...that's some funny shit, hard to believe, but funny..."

Jen was rather supportive and kept nudging me in a positive fashion to write whatever I was feeling. She assured me that I would eventually get a following. She was right. I went through a phase where I wanted to spend all of my free time blogging...sharing, opening up and publicizing my life... it didn't matter who was reading it... it was therapeutic... Well... things shifted in my life.

Jen was still a happy constant (when I didn't spend my time taking shit out on her that wasn't her fault at all)... She's put up with a lot of my bullshit to say the least. But I digress. I got on a health kick and made every effort I could to lose weight. I shared my successes and bitched about my shortcomings... all while slowly giving up on myself and ultimately quitting weight watchers (this week officially) because of a hectic work schedule and not being able to make it to meetings. But despite that, I hadn't been counting points for some time...I was regressing and back tracking and even now see the potential of climbing all the way back up to 273 pounds where I started (not all that long ago I might add)... I'm trying to join a gym. It's one of those 24 hour ones (and with my new schedule is a good thing)...the downside is that their staffed hours fall during times while I'm at work...I can't sign up without a staff member because I need to pay obviously AND get my after hours key card so that I have access to the gym at all times.

The gym is right across the street from Jen's place and is off the exit I have to pass in order to get home from work or to work...so I'll have no excuse to not work out... I need another outlet... I'm kind of all over the place these days and not in a good way. I figure taking some of my frustrations out on a elliptical or some type of weights... sounds good anyway.

I finally called one of my student loans after getting a late notice ( I'm 18 days behind on two of them now)... I put one in forebearance, need to call the other one, tell another one that I'm not in school anymore... wait for the grace period to end on the other one (my plan is to consolidate them all)--I got a print out from a third party company or government thing...I dunno...but I owe right under 48 grand. RIDICULOUS. I got a phone call from one of the recruiters for Norwich University. It's a school in Vermont that offers a distance learning MBA program that I would love to do... I'd start in March and would do a one week on campus thing in June of 2011 with the graduation ceremony at the end of the week and would officially be done with the program in August 2011.... But I dont know that I can afford it or not or that I'd be able to really hold down a full time school schedule knowing that there will be three busy seasons before June 2011... the application deadline is tomorrow... I dunno.

Most recently in Tommy world has been my joining facebook. I could give a crap about facebook itself, but I did get addicted to Farmville. Then I got Jen addicted to Farmville...she left me in the dust level wise and I lost some interest in it... funny how that works huh... I didn't have internet access for lil over a week, so Jen managed my farm and harvested things for me :) She hated logging in to fertilize my crops and seeing things wilted and dead... I'd much rather get re-addicted to blogging. I miss reading other folks stuff and i miss writing (writing about things that matter to me or that mean nothing at all...it's all therapeutic)...

I think had I blogged about my frustrations with my new job then my crying at work would have been prevented. I've worked there for three weeks now. It was great because my first week I had a long weekend...had New Years Eve and Day off... Made it through that whole following week, a little frustrated and wondering how the hell I was supposed to do all the things that wanted me to when I'm only one person... well it was this previous week, Monday or Tuesday i guess that I finally lost it. I was upstairs in the Warehouse Managers office and was talking to him about a few things that I thought should be done different to prevent a great deal of the chaos that is being experienced right now. Trucks come in and product is offloaded. When I say product, I mean client specific pallets stacked with fifty collapsable crates filled with prepacked bulbs...( ie. begonias, peonies, dahlias, lilies, cannas, callas, etc for Home Depot, Lowes, Roses, Fred Myer etc)... there is more stuff done in house as well...but I digress... well these pallets are recieved in and then put away in the racks. The racks are my domain. The problem is that the shipping supervisor was on his way out three days following my and the new shipping supervisors arrival. The new guy didn't learn things that he should have so the receipt process got fucked for a lack of better words. Rather than putting the correct locations in the system he used a generic location which equals (anywhere in the fucking warehouse)--that narrows it down. I spend all my fucking time looking for shit that should be there and isn't...

It's frustrating as hell. I have to have the inventory pulled so that production can put it on the correct racks and then those racks are shipped out to whatever customer they go to... well this coming week Lowes ships out on Monday...then there are 1400 racks of another company going out Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday (and nothing has been pulled from inventory for this order yet) since I'm still waiting on the people up front to print the job for it so i know what to actually pull...I dunno... this all must sound dull and may not even make sense...but I had had it earlier this past week. I really was finding it difficult to get out of bed and head to work where I knew I'd spend my day feeling like I was getting raped up the ass. I can think of more things to do... for sure.

I'm looking foward to mid February when things slow down dramatically and then come march the slow season comes into play...that will last into July... 4 day work weeks and just straight chillin. I'll have time to implement new processes and prevent more ass raping in future busy seasons....

Right now my feet are killing me. My plantar fasciitis is RIDICULOUS. when I walk now, I feel a popping... its like the tendon in the bottom of my foot is tearing. I ordered some arch braces to help with the pain. I don't know how I'll actually work out at any gym right now when by the end of the day I can hardly walk... I'll figure it out. Tomorrow is a new day and I'll be fine. Things will be where they should be and be smooth sailing... for now... it's late, I need to sleep. I'm not even going to replant my farmville crops...I'm done.

Greetings from Outer space

2010-01-12T22:13:00.000-05:00

Lol...after a couple of emails (Mel and Jude)... and extended case of bloggin' DTs... I thought I'd sign on long enough to let everyone know that I'm A-L-I-V-E and kicking. That's all I can say for now... but just know that I have intentions of coming back to blog world (after an unexpected hiatus) and sure there is lots of randomness to fill you all in on... but that will have to come tomorrow (perhaps the next day) since this new job is literally kicking my ass. For the record I cried today. Three weeks into this shit and I cried. I'm not that girl...(yeah right, I always say that... but apparently I am)...

This is my 299th post for the record... that means that my next post, #300 is not going to be for something phenomenal and "new"... its all going to be just a catch up and hey how are things going. I don't know when the hell I'll be able to read over a months worth of everyone's blogs...

Bare with me okay guys :)... I'm coming back dammit, SOON.

The gig

2009-12-18T15:28:00.000-05:00

I got the job. I should be more excited than I am (but I am as excited as I can be with everything else going on in my head these days...that's a whole other story)... I didn't think I had done well with the second interview... I met alone with the CEO, a very serious hard to read cat... I left out of there an hour later not sure of anything and most concerned with my response to his questions concerning the amount of "movement" I've had over the last five years of employment. This company wants long term folks... I explained that I hadn't found the right fit yet. I said that with my current job I thought I had but it turned out to be (and used the following example): It's like finding the perfect pair of shoes. The ones you've always wanted, right price, right size, right everything...you try on the the right shoe and BAM... wooohoo... all is great. You get them home and get dressed to go out for the night...your right shoe goes on without any snags, your left shoe however is a smidgen too tight... that's where I'm at.

I got the call yesterday from the recruiter/head hunter and she said she had good news, they wanted to verify my address for the offer letter :) Okay...things were looking up, but nothing official. Today I got a call from the recruiter and she said she emailed me the offer letter. I checked it and then the real excitement came. A consistent, exempt salary permanent employee paycheck every two weeks, lol...it boils down to an increase of pay in the neighborhood of seven grand SCORE...but not only that...this company pays 100% of medical, dental, vision, short/long term disability, etc etc and then match 401K at 6% after a year employment.

It feels good to get a job because of hard work and not because of someone you know or whatever...I'm excited. I kept my boss in the loop the whole way and she may have my replacement in here as soon as Tuesday... I start at the new place on December 28th :)

a quickie

2009-12-12T00:14:00.000-05:00

I'm way behind in reading and writing blogs...but I wanted to share my excitement:

1. I finally went and picked up my degree :) It is one expensive piece of paper but I finally have it lol
and
2. I got the 2nd Interview. I go on Wednesday....keep your fingers crossed...thanks for the good luck wishes/emails.

Hope everyone is well

interview

2009-12-08T21:27:00.000-05:00

I went to my interview on Monday afternoon and I'm officially in love with this company. Their warehouse (the one that I saw anyway... the other is in Holland in the Netherlands) has sky lights which means I wouldn't feel like I'm working in a cage. They are a company that still pays for their employees benefits completely (medical, dental, vision, short/long term disability, etc) they match 401k at 6%...but even more fabulous than that is the near requirement that the employees make suggestions in how to improve the operation.... they emphasize the need for thinking outside the box... the welcomed suggestions won me over.

The interview lasted about an hour and a half and was the most comfortable I've ever felt in an interview. They seemed impressed with me. I hope that's the case. They are trying to fill a vacancy for shipping/receiving supervisor and an inventory control supervisor. Seems like they were leaning toward the inventory control supervisor for me...time will tell.

I'm supposed to know if I'm being considered and making it to the next round either tomorrow or Thursday. Keep your fingers crossed and send positive energy my way... if it worked for Jude, maybe it'll work for me :)

I'll keep everyone posted...for now I'm going to get ready for bed...it's chilly out here and I want to snuggle up in the covers. It's a shame Jen isn't here...she's a great cuddler and a freakin' heating blanket... I've never met someone who puts off so much heat...

Our First Date...

2009-12-06T01:57:00.000-05:00

So it's no secret that Jen and I have been together for over a year now...but we kind of did things in a weird fashion... we never really went on any dates...when we first started dating, I worked second shift and she worked in the evenings as well... a lot of time was spent in the late night/early morning hours hanging out and enjoying each others time. When my schedule changed to first shift... things got a lil more difficult to manage as far as "dating" went. We talked about penciling in a "date" here and there...Jen mentioned wanting to take me out several times, but it never panned out (no one's fault in particular...) just the way the things were...crazy. If we had the time, there was no babysitter... anyway, you get the point.

Well last night was my company's christmas party. I wasn't super excited about the thought of it, only because I don't know many people in the company. Since I work on-site, I never really deal with any of the folks at the main office, plus the Richmond office was coming as well...woohoo??? But, when Jen told me on Thursday night that her boss had approved her for a Friday night off and that she was going, I WAS STOKED.... it was going to be our first date.

Friday night rolled around and I got dressed. I felt like I looked great, of course looking at some of the pics later, I disagree...but i digress (I just want to be photographed from like the boobs up...) So as I was getting ready and put on my new jeans it dawned on me that I had forgot to have them hemmed and they were way too long...even with my "girl boots" i was going to wear. Shit.

Mom rescued me, though she wasn't impressed by my asking her to just rig the hem with safety pins of all things...ha...

After all of the hard times I give Jen about being late, I was 45 minutes late picking her up... despite being late, I had to stop and get her flowers...I mean I had to do this thing right.... this was our first date ya know.

I knocked on the door and she answered and LOOKED FABULOUS in the new shirt I had bought her :) I was excited.

I took pictures of my conceited ass while she went upstairs to get her jacket, lol.

We drove to Norfolk...(struggled a bit because I had my contacts...can't wear the damn things normally because of eye allegeries...) wore them anyway...finally found the place where the party was. We were upstairs in the VIP section... free drinks all night.... word. Jen ended up driving home since I had a handful of bourbon and diet cokes... it felt good to be with her, to hold her hand as we walked down the street freezing our asses off....

Yeah, I have a fucked up sense of humor when I have a buzz...

Did I mention that I wore girl boots...as in ones with a heel... and then come to find out Norfolk is undergoing a lot of construction.... I nearly broke my ankle like seventeen times.

I made Jen sit down on this random bench so I could get a picture...she was like, really oh my god come on...I'm freezing. She's such a team player.

She drove me back to her place...after we stopped by the babysitters to get lil man...She put him in the bed and we talked for a bit...hung out... and let's just say that I found out that Jen is one of "those girls..." She puts out on the first date HAHAH...

It was a good night... a very good night....

Well

2009-12-01T21:58:00.001-05:00

I'm still sick. Eww.

I talked to Jen and I'd say we're doing better. I explained that I need to get my head screwed on right and it may take me a few days. Right now I'm tired and run down and don't have the energy...she understood.

I have an interview on Monday. The company liked my resume, so I'll go in front of them then. Exciting.

The company christmas party is Friday night...that should be interesting.

I had to end the assignments of six people today, I have four new people starting tomorrow.

Verizon called me today and offered me a early upgrade because they wanted to keep my biznazz...I'm getting a LG EnV 3 FOR FREE!!! score. It will come in the mail soon.

Dad's R and R was approved so he'll take a vacation in February and meet up with mom in Greece. She misses him some kind of bad. They will spend their 29th wedding anniversary in Greece...amazing.

Long lunch

2009-11-30T16:25:00.000-05:00

I went to to the Social Security office today after getting it cleared through my boss for an extended lunch. I had my forms and identification in hand and walked in thinking it would be an in and out thing. I saw the sign which demanded I take a number and immediately became concerned.

My number was 65... okay, no need to freak yet i thought...all of these people could very well have appointments and they are currently on number 63 (I was trying for the positive thinking approach)...the whole positive thing came to a screeching halt when I heard them call number 53... fuck me. Okay so I'll chill. Barely any seats, I settled in next to an older woman who smelled of tooth decay...but I tried to not let it get me down. Pulled out my phone as a distraction, then realized that was pointless as I was on time out and "being left alone" was the request of the person I text more often than any. Fuck it.

A cute older black couple walked in. The woman sat down next to me while her husband, with his cane leaned up against the wall. I offered him my seat but he assured me he was fine. The lady got to talking about how she and her husband had been together for 43 years "halleluiah" she proclaimed at the thought of being with the same man for so many years. Then she said, "or as Madea would say it Halleluyur" and I nearly died. It tickled me. She went on to explain to me that relationships don't work if only one person is doing all the work and how if one person goes east and the other goes west.... it just won't work out. Makes sense. I found out she lost her sight to diabetes a few years ago in one eye and then in her other due to a stroke. Her husband isn't allowed to have caffeine, citrus juices, coffee, tea, sweets, etc...the least was quite impressive. She could make out the shadows of something in the corner (a spider plant)..which spurred a gardening conversation. I liked her.

I got up to pee and offered her husband my seat again, to which he declined, again. There was this dude with an english accent who appeared to be getting irritated with how much fun the lady and I were having...I finally got out of there and back to work almost two hours later...eww...but not all that terrible even.

I didn't sleep well last night and my head hurts today... oh well life goes on. I love how random strangers talk to me on the regular and tell me what's on their minds...or just share with me random stories about their life. I like that I'm approachable and friendly. I like the way I feel when I hold open the door for a man in a wheelchair or offer my seat to someone older than me... I'm glad that regardless of how shitty I might appear to be as a person that I was raised with a good sense of right and wrong and with manners and principles. I like that about me. I like it alot.

Facebook

2009-11-30T09:21:00.000-05:00

So I'm still not a fan of facebook...but after realizing that EVERYONE including my grandmother is on it (not the one I live with, the other one) perhaps it will be a good way to at least stay in touch with them... it's weird...my mom, dad, grandma, aunt, uncle, sister, etc all on Facebook. I did go through and delete a bunch of folks from high school I have no interest in being facebook friends with....yeah I'm a snob. So what, lol.

Any of ya'll on facebook? Apparently, it's just not cool to not be...

Bat shit crazy

2009-11-29T23:48:00.000-05:00

It's all in my head, I'm sure if I brought it up the response would be, "I don't play games." Okay so I'm sure no point is being made...it's all in my head.

I got a lot done today, when I decided to get out of bed that is. It was about one this afternoon...showered, didn't do my hair, didn't see the point...got dressed, went into Franklin and found a place that still does one hour development for grandma's photos...success. She was happy. Killed the hour at Walmart, doing the bread and milk thing...

Came home, put groceries away, grabbed the dog and spent a an hour or so cleaning my car inside and out...it hasn't looked that good since I drove it off the lot. Progress.

I started rearranging furniture--that's what I do when I have shit on my mind. Mandi called. She needed the playstation back since she's moving on Wednesday. I told her to come and get it and she asked me to do her hair and eyebrows. Fuckin' a, okay. I spent time with baby Charley and had a talk with my sister and told her how I felt like she was abandoning me and how I know she's not a complete fucking idiot but this move suggests otherwise. I vented and was completely honest. She's going to be coming home for Christmas so that will be a good thing. Her hair was colored, eyebrows waxed....she left. I still haven't put away the clean clothes that have piled up over the past few days...fuck it who cares.

Pepper's ass is layed out on my fucking clean sheets...fucker. The phone rang... a conversation that I wasn't in the mood for was had. It can't always be about me though I'm afraid, so I answered. The gist of the call was that things are robotic and boring, there's no spark... the other side of the conversation consisted of not caring or giving a shit and just fed up in general. Each side unloaded on the other. No progress was made. The call hurriedly came to an end because of clothes needing to be folded an an early morning.... yeah right.

I'm fucking seeing history repeat itself. I'm a fucking bitch. I hit a wall...I get to the point where everything fucking pisses me off... I shut down, stop giving a shit, just get fed up. It makes no god damn sense. none. That always leads to the current girlfriend feeling attacked or in a situation where they just can't win and seeing that everything they do piss me off. I feel smothered which is odd because I don't even really see her that often anymore... I'm just fucking fed up. Things are not all honkey dorey like they were in the beginning.

I lost it last night when I walked into the movie store I frequent and TWO DIFFERENT employees looked at me and said, oh, no kid tonight? I laughed it off saying, nah, I get a night off...WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT????

I'm numb. I'm fighting off a bout of depression which isn't completely unusual for me this time of year...but it sucks nonetheless. It sucks because I push everyone away and just don't have the energy to fight and try and make my point or make things any different than they are.

Normal conversations feel like nagging to me. It doesn't fucking matter. Nothing does. I'm not in the mood to fight, nor do I have the energy to give a fuck. I need a change of pace, a change of scenery... just a change.

I actually texted my ex last night when I realized that the one thing I'm bitching about the most in my current situation is something that I did to her... I asked her if I could interrupt her life for a second and ask her a random question.

Her: Okay? whats up
Me: How did you manage to eat healthy and lose weight when you lived here with grandma buying shit food and me eating said shit food in front of you
Her: I didn't always eat healthy
Me: but you did better than me. I joined weight watchers and am down almost 20 pounds, but Im having a bad week....was looking for suggestions
Her: I'm not the best person to ask, I've actually gained weight
Me: Well it was worth a try, thanks
Her: No problem

If tomorrow wasn't payroll day I'd call out. I can't get to the point where I stop going to work just because I'm fucking bummed out...been there done that... it never ends well. What disturbs me the most about the evenings events is how out of the whole conversation, the thing that stuck out in my head is it potentially fucking up the holidays...nothing else seemed important... if something isn't going to work out do you just go through the motions and pretend like every thing is fine just for the sake of the holidays? Or do you attempt to work through it and hope that shit is lined up and honestly legit come the holidays...

This is a difficult situation for me because I'm kind of a grinch...

I just don't get it. Nothing makes sense right now. Nothing. I need to stop fucking around...I've got to be up in four and half hours and head into work...ten hour days again this week Yeehaw...

Communication 101

2009-11-27T23:26:00.000-05:00

I can't win right now. I'm lost and confused and just hung up from talking to Jen and feel no better. It's not her fault...I'm just having a moment. I'm beating myself up as usual and having a moment for lack of better words and I don't feel like I can talk to her because she has nine hundred other things going on or on her plate. When I tried to explain to her that I was finding it difficult to vent to her or talk to her about things because she had so much going on, her response was, "um, okay, well I'll talk to you tomorrow." Which made me feel even worse because she wasn't understanding me, but then again, it's not like I did anything to fix it.

Where I'm dealing with dieting woes, family nonsense, and just being overwhelmed in general and feeling trapped internally...she's got her own shit going on. I just feel like whenever I do finally get to the point of opening up and talking to her, it's overshadowed by what she's dealing with. I've just got to the point where I just don't talk about the shit anymore. I feel like it's pointless...which I'm sure seems awful to say out loud.

I'm sitting upstairs feeling gross in general and crying. I hate that I can't communicate clearly with my girlfriend and how I feel like we are very rarely on the same page anymore. She made arrangements for lil man to go to the sitter's today since it was my day off and I'm not going to lie, it was nice to take a three hour nap and not have to do anything... she's also made arrangements for him to start going to someone else's house on Saturday's while she works... since I'm in peak season, I have to work Saturdays now. Jen says she's fine with it, but why do I feel guilty for not being readily available more... why do I feel guilty for wanting time to myself. I mean I her and I love lil man, but sometimes I just want to close off from the world and that's hard to do when you are doing things that someone else wants to do in hopes of keeping them amused.

I'm lost and alone. I'm surrounded by people and can't shake this aloneness...it makes no damn sense. Why can't I talk to my girlfriend. Why do I feel like every time I turn around I'm letting her down on some level. why do I have a hard time crying to her if need be, still? Why do I feel like this giant fuck up who can't do anything right in her eyes.

Why does it feel like I have a gaping hole in my chest and that my soul is on hiatus. I feel disconnected from those around me, including Jen. We never see each other and when we do it's either her dropping off lil man or crawling into bed hours after I've already been asleep, or me leaving before she gets up, etc... Then come Sundays...I normal day to spend time together... I feel guilty because sometimes I don't want to do shit but sleep.... but you can't expect a 5 year old to want to sleep all day... I feel like such a fucking awful person. It's not cool to have these thoughts and feelings.

I've got to be just an awful person and I'm a shitty girlfriend too...I keep seeing shit recurring and alot of the same issues complained about in previous relationships...since I'm the only one in common with all of them, I am apparently an issue.

I need to go to bed...Ive got to be at work at 6 am... sucks ass. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe tomorrow, I'll actually be able to communicate in some form other than a blog. I could throw up right now... I need to get out of this slump. I'm fighting depression... common for me for this time of year... overtired, overworked, overstressed, over everything.

SS card = MIA

2009-11-27T23:02:00.000-05:00

I can't find my fucking social security card. I know I've seen it recently, but apparently I hid it and put it in a safe place and well now I can't find it.

I went to the interview today. It was more of a get to know me, my strengths, weaknesses and what not... because this is a direct hire opportunity, but through a staffing agency, I have to go through all of there requirements even though I'm not going to be working for them. The recruiter feels like I have great potential to be this company's next shipping/receiving supervisor, so she forwarded them my resume today.

If they like me, then I'll interview as early as Thursday or Friday (and find out at that point who the company is and what not)... all i know is that they ship products to LL Bean and Lowes, Home Depot, Costco, etc...so it sounds right up my alley.

The kicker is, I've done all the assessments they require (I just spent an hour and half doing their testing to prove that I'm proficient in Excel, Word, Outlook, etc...but, I can't do much else WITHOUT my social security card. They require it. They let me use my birth certificate for the I-9, but I still need the SS card...
Oh well, I'll search for it more come tomorrow afternoon and Sunday...if I don't find it, the only thing I can do is take a long lunch on Monday to go to the Social Security office and have another one issued. But that takes time. Fuck me and my hiding shit from myself.

The Twilight Zone

2009-11-26T22:50:00.000-05:00

This week was weird.

The client company gave their employees turkeys for Thanksgiving...They have had a lot of people quit over the last month or so and ended up having extras. So at the last minute they decided to give me one :) Granted it was on the down low because they didn't have enough for all of my contractors, but I thought it was cool nonetheless (and very unexpected).

The GM pulled me to the side and shook my hand yesterday and told me that he doesnt tell me nearly enough (or at all) that I do a great job and that it's a pleasure to work with me... wow. Thanks dude.

I got a phone call from a recruiter for a staffing company...she's trying to line up candidates for a client that is using them for a direct hire position. I don't know what company it is yet (i'll only find that out if I get asked to interview for the position.) What I do know is that the pay range is five to eight grand more than I make now...a lil further of a drive, but not bad and salary...so yet another day off with no sleeping in

I cooked my first turkey today. Turned out fabulously but cooking on Thanksgiving is overrated. I didn't get to sleep in or even put the turkey in the oven and then go back to bed. I was on my feet from eight this morning until about five with the only break being to eat.... I vote for going to someone elses house for Thanksgiving dinner...I wasn't even going to cook, but I got a free turkey and Jen and lil man wanted a traditional thanksgiving dinner...

I'm tired. Really fucking tired. I sent Jen to work with a metric shit ton of leftovers to get out of here...I don't want to look at them...ugh.

Happy Turkey day to all.

The Phases of Santa

2009-11-26T22:24:00.000-05:00

Santa Before

Not an easy task ahead...

ZZ Top-esque

Wild man, not white enough

Second Bleaching in one night... The fumes were ridiculous. I got home and had to go straight to bed, I was light headed and woosey...You know Santa was struggling as well...he had the stuff right up his nose... He stood up after getting his hair washed the second time and got so light headed he fell out in the kitchen floor... Scared me half to death (luckily Santa wasn't hurt, there'd be a lot of disappointed kids come Christmas time if that was the case...)

He really looks like Santa Claus in this picture to me

End of Day 1: (Four hours of processing)

Day Two: Only took 2 hours this time...and finally got it to where we needed it :)

Got White?

Damn I'm good...lol.

It was A LOT of work, but I had a good time doing Santa's hair. I really do feel like a celebrity stylist, haha. Santa has his first appearance this weekend...and I'd say he's ready to go. I'm going to take Jen and lil man to one of his appearances in a couple of weeks. The kids are allowed to ride on top of the fire truck and everything...so it should be fun.

I survived. Santa's hair didn't fall out. What a great time. Fabulous results. Good stuff.

Survey says

2009-11-23T23:06:00.000-05:00

Survey says...I needed a longer weekend. Saturday I worked. Boo. I only worked a half a day but still, ugh..I was drained. I came home and cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. Then hung out with lil man, ran errands, put him to bed, and waited for Jen to get to my house. Colored her hair and gave her highlights and then ended up being a jack ass...because about 2 o'clock in the morning as we were laying in bed... we weren't doing anything kinky...we were both tired, we hadn't even got to the cuddling point, we were just talking... I FELL ASLEEP. I had taken some Alka Seltzer cold before Jen got here and it was kicking my ass... I had been up a long long time. I felt bad the next morning because for us to be mid conversation and me just zonk out was rude. I didn't even fall asleep in her arms or vice versa and we barely saw each other during the week.

Sunday morning I got up early as hell to head to Williamsburg for the day....turns out the thrift stores there are C-R-A-P. But it was still fun spending the day with mom and Mandi (she had Aunt Melissa watch the baby and headed out with us)...We left at ten am and didn't get home until about 8 or so... a long day....no less... a good day though :)

Today the alarm clock went off at o dark thirty and I headed into work. We have a short week due to the holiday and a lot had to be done today...including payroll. Since we get paid weekly, I only had a short time to get all my contractors time approved and faxed in so that the checks can get in by wednesday (normal payday is friday) and handed out before the holiday...then we're off thursday and friday and work ten hours on saturday...ugh. The moral of the story is I got my shit done and left sick at about 12:15... I could hardly function. I felt like ass and was exhausted...I'm still fighting something...hay fever, a cold, sinusy stuff...I dont know what it is and I refuse to go to the doctor. I took a four hour nap before getting up to go to my weight watchers meeting... Now I feel like a million bucks...I hope that I feel like this tomorrow. I'm looking forward to Thursday so I can sleep in... Tomorrow is the day to Santa's hair... if everything goes well chemically then I'll have Wednesday night free... I'm so incredibly lame...all I wanna do is sleep or sit around in comfy pants ...

Anyhoo... I don't want to use a vacation day for lack of pay on Friday which means I'm going to have to work a full ten hours on Saturday just to get my forty this week...ugh. Come on dream job, come on... where are you at?

Feel Good Music

2009-11-21T11:08:00.000-05:00

A few random songs I'd like to share...

I fell in love with this song from the Chrysler Town and Country commercial

Dawn Landes Straight Lines

Brandi Carlile Have you Ever (I have this on repeat in my car now...I just love her voice) She has some really great songs in general

Others that I'm really feeling right now:

Amy Ray Black Heart Today

Melissa Ferrick Chocolate

Melissa Ferrick Drive

Amy Ray Lucystoners

Ingrid Michaelson (nearly anything)

The Perishers

Jack Johnson

The Juno Soundtrack

Cat Power

and

Blue Rodeo 5 Days in May

Keep in mind that I'm kind of a hater... I prefer the album versions to live versions... to all of these but like I said, just in a sharing mood

Santa's Stylist

2009-11-21T10:30:00.000-05:00

It's Saturday morning and I'm working. Okay so not working so much as just being here because I'm required to be here for four hours and be on call for the remaining four hours. Hopefully Ill be able to get some cleaning done when I get out of here. (It's time for grandma's part of the house biweekly cleaning to happen)...

One of the guys I was dreading firing this morning called out...so I was able to call him and fire him over the phone which was easier but still sucks because it's right before the holidays and he's a single dad... being empathetic is definitely a weakness of mine...but I can't help it. I'm supposed to build rapport with these folks... get to know them, and make them comfortable with me so they communicate freely, and then not feel anything when it comes time to let them go... wtf? I know that business is business, but come on...I'm not heartless.

I've got a busy week ahead of me as I'm sure most people do with Thanksgiving fast approaching. I'll have lil man tonight and have a couple of errands to run...no biggies. Either late tonight or early tomorrow morning I need to do Jen's hair. She's getting bushy and needs her color redone...she wants highlights so as long as I have time to get the stuff, my plan is to foil in some highlights and then brush on her all over color and process them together...let her shampoo herself out in the shower...and bust a move to get over to my mom's house for "our" day.

Mom and I are going to take the Ferry over to Williamsburg (a part of Virginia that is on my to do list to take Jen eventually. Colonial Williamsburg is beautiful lit up for the holidays, Jamestown is also across the ferry, Yorktown isn't too far...I mean there is stuff to do...just have to plan it)...but I digress. I told mom that to celebrate finishing my degree what I wanted to do most was to go to Williamsburg and hit up a few thrift stores we've never been to. My theory is that a lot of high society fuckers live in Williamsburg, so maybe they donate some really awesome stuff so I can improve my wardrobe fore hella Cheap. We'll see. Mom is excited to be having a day with just the two of us, since even though I go over there a few times a week, everyone is always around... (I need to plan one of these with Jen as well... just a one on one... and lil man can come too depending on what we do--though he'll be going to his dad's after christmas, so maybe that would be prime time for the two of us to do something different...who knows)...I discovered that my favorite thrift store chain (D.A.V.-disabled american veterans) has a location in williamsburg HELL YEAH...

Well anyway...I have work then Weight Watchers on Monday. Tuesday is work then Santa's Hair. I'm one of those people who is lucky to know Santa Claus personally. He's a close friend of my mom and dad. He fishes with them, and lives only fifteen minutes away. He keeps his beard year round, does not require a fake belly when he puts on his suit...this dude IS santa. He goes around to many functions, some paid, some for less fortunate folks and spreads christmas cheer. His hair is salt and pepper so we need to make it white and his beard while mainly white, has a yellowish gray sporadic tinge to it... translation... I've got a serious project in front of me. This requires a lot of bleaching, getting his hair down to the palest blonde possible and then toning it with a platinum blonde toner to cut the yellow and turn it white... it will be a lot of upkeep...I'm going to have to test everything on his head hair first because if I fuck up his beard I'm fucking with his paycheck, you follow?

Me, Mandi, and Santa 2007 (he painted his beard that year)

Wednesday is work and then Santa's hair again if it doesn't get light enough the first night.... Thursday is Thanksgiving and I'm assuming that my sister and I are cooking that. My mom, aunt, and uncle are peacing out to go to Kentucky to see my grandparents who are celebrating a 50th wedding anniversary... dad is in Kosovo, Grandma will probably go to my other uncles house if she does anything at all, that leaves, me, mandi, baby charley, Jen and lil man for Thanksgiving. I have off, Jen has to work that evening... I'm thinking that I need to plan a menu with my sister and do a weight watcher friendly type meal... no need in going overboard...

Friday I'm off again and I don't have a shit ton of money to go shopping (since personal property taxes are due at the beginning of December and I still havent called the student loan folks...i need to tighten up)... I think I'll sleep in and do the bare minimum that day. Saturday will be another work day, to make up for the holiday being missed.... eww. Sunday another day to unwind until hittin' the groove again come the next week.

I have a recipe for a low fat low sugar pumpkin trifle that I'm going to try out...it has pumpkin obviously, but vanilla pudding, cool whip, as well and has crumbled ginger snap layers throughout...oh yeah...it's gonna be on like donkey kong.

and breathe

2009-11-18T22:45:00.000-05:00

My boss opened my eyes again today. I didn't get in trouble and it pisses me off that most of the time my boss is right...but she essentially told me that she "wants to empathize with her contractors, but when it boils down to it its business." For me, I realized today that I'm too empathetic...too compassionate...I don't want to be the bad guy, though I am a bitch a lot of the time. I have a guy that I'll be firing on Saturday at the end of the shift... I was thinking of giving him a heads up on Friday afternoon and let him know the final outcome and give him the option of Saturday off... I forgot the most important piece of the puzzle...if he doesn't work, my company (the staffing company that it is) then we don't make money...

I need to figure out where I want to be and work to get there... and I need to tighten up...I realize that I'm hard on myself ALOT... but I honestly feel like I'm losing ground where I'm at. My boss as she was giving me an example said to me, "Hey, I could think you're awesome as a person every single day, but if you weren't performing where should be, I'd have to do what I'd have to do." Eww.

On a happier note I got an email today from a long lost friend. Lol. My friend V is someone whom I've never officially met, but we've talked off and on for over two years I guess. She works a lot and travels to cool places, is well rounded and just down right interesting. Her parents, when they were living stayed in the country...she's a country girl (so we joke about crazy country type shit)... she knows about where I live (zuni) because she used to drive through it all the time.... she lives in Va Beach now. I was really surprised to hear from her and I needed a break from my work day for a second. She's moving to Africa here soon, so I doubt we'll get a chance to actually meet up and officially meet before she leaves, but still... good to be communicating with her again.

I'm exhausted and I should have been asleep over an hour ago...but hello...it's Top Chef night and I don't feel like watching it on gma's tv later on because she's the one with a DVR....

I'm fighing off a sinus infection or something...hay fever maybe...my head has been pounding for a while now (three days) and i'm getting a cough among other things...I just want to sleep...It's going to be a sixty hour work week this week....at least i'm hourly and getting a shit ton of overtime.

She's moving

2009-11-18T22:18:00.000-05:00

Yep. My sister is moving and she may be taking a piece of my soul with her. Melodramatic, I know...but I'm livid, sad, and just a ton of emotions right now. She's moving and like SOON. She's got an apartment, a job, and she's taking Charley with her... I'm selfish. I feel like I'm never going to see my niece... (I don't have the time or money to take frequent trips to Radford to see her) and I'll be damned if I want to see the baby's daddy in the process.

I think this is a bad move. But my opinion doesn't matter and her life is hers to live. I'm not convinced that the baby daddy isn't a drug addict or even wanting to be a dad. But Mandi is going to move away and play family because she's tired of living under mom's roof (even though she's got a sweet gig right now)...

I dunno, I'm trying to not take it personally, I mean shit, it's not exactly about me...but I want to smack the shit out of my sister and be like what the fuck are you thinking? I admire her so much and she's so incredibly smart...but when it comes to men she's lost in my opinion.

But again, my opinion doesnt matter....It's not about me... I just don't understand this right now. I just don't get it.

Bend over and take it

2009-11-17T14:19:00.000-05:00

My head hurts. It's one of those headaches that starts behind your eyeballs and spreads across the top of your head...eventually making simple tasks like breathing nearly unbearable. The warehouse noises aren't helping... I'm in a slump.

I got what felt like my first official coaching from my boss yesterday over the telephone since she's in Texas this week helping the implementation team or something. I'm finding it more and more difficult to care, but I need to snap out of it so I don't lose my job before I have something else lined up.

Long story short, I hadn't received the information necessary from the client to issue performance points for my people. (4 performance points equals termination)... I don't have access to their systems and therefore must wait for them to provide the information to me. I was two weeks behind when I finally got the print outs on Friday. I wrote an email to my boss explaining that I wasn't going to backdate points (because I thought it was fucking stupid)... She didn't read the email until yesterday after landing in San Antonio.

She explained to me that just because I was frustrated with the way things are doesn't mean that I can just take a break from issuing points because the information wasn't provided, blah blah blah. She was valid in what she said, because while I wasn't given the information I didn't exactly go and harass anyone until they gave it to me. So I was in the wrong and I own that.

It just sucks to be in a slump and have a hard time getting out of it. Because what it boils down to is that whether I hate my job on a given day or not (though I'm thankful to have one) my presence affects my contractors. Just because I don't hold them accountable for a week doesn't mean that the client won't.

My boss reminded me today that my job out here is to hold my people accountable. Well you know what I'm tired. I'm tired of attempting to coach and develop someone just for them to fired the next day before it even has a chance to sink in. I'm tired of constantly firing someone, I'm tired of being invisible, I'm tired of having no impact whatsoever. I'm just tired.

I remember when I used to love this job. Looked forward to coming in every afternoon...but here lately, I don't look forward to anything work related. There is no passion. Just me, showing up and pissing people off. Sure, no one wants to be held accountable, but hey that's my job, so pissing people off and firing folks for not meeting the expectations is a given...

I suppose that right now it's even worse than normal because of how shitty I feel and how I just get the vibe that there is something better out there for me. Of course with ten hour days six days a week, when does one have time to find it? By the time I get off of work, go home, cook dinner, amuse grandma for a few, and get upstairs it's already 8... and I need to be in bed by 9:30 to even function the next morning....

I feel lost. alone. afraid. hopeless. I'm mad at myself for having to have been coached... freakin' first time in 15 months though...not exactly a bad record, but still...I neglected to take the whole co-employment picture into account. I lost sight of things and let my frustration get the best of me. Fucking a. Fucking a.

I just wanna curl up in a ball and sleep for nine days.

Lettin' it all hang out

2009-11-15T22:04:00.000-05:00

Grandma commented this morning as I let Pepper out and she was getting ready for church how my pants looked like a cross...when I looked at her puzzled she explained it had something to do with the fact my pants were in my ass crack (my translation of course)...really grandma...yeah so what my shorts were in my ass crack...this happens when you go commando under your clothes when at home (hell yeah to liberation...I refuse to wear a bra, underwear, or any shoes other than flip flops when in the house)... It's my perrogative--besides she's just a hater that her bladder isn't good enough to let her cooter just be "free"

More ten hour days to come. Every Saturday this month is a scheduled work day. My mom, aunt, and uncle are going to see my grandparents in Kentucky for their 50th wedding anniversary this Thanksgiving...translation--Mandi and I are going to cook Thanksgiving dinner for Jen, lil man, and ourselves. My brother will probably go to his skanks peoples' house... so I doubt he's in and grandma will probably go to my Uncle's house across the field (actually their oven is broke so they will probably cook it here for her) Fuck... need to find somewhere to be.

The nor'easter officially sucked. Today was sunny though which was a nice change. I was in a fucked up mood though. Not a bad one, just weird. I was like lost in my head but not really thinking of anything at the moment.

I went to see a Christmas Carol with Jen and lil man in Disney Real 3D...it was alright but not as grand as I had imagined it. I have a lot of phone calls to make tomorrow and I'm just going to have to close the office door and handle personal business at work--everyone is closed by the time I get off from work... I've gotta figure out a way to put off these student loans a while...I can't afford it.

Things that are stressing me out right now:
-personal property taxes are due Dec. 5th
-Student loans are due
-I never seem to have any money
-I need to find a new job (I have a feeling come the first of the year, I won't have one)
-I spent my evening redoing my boss's mom's hair--I did it originally on Wednesday but was so exhausted after a ten hour shift that I switched her colors and the color I normally highlight with I put all over and her all over color was highlights (so it was lighter than normal)...I had to fix it (she offered to pay me) but I didn't take any money because it was my own fault...I'm just glad that it wasn't something crucial you know... it could have been pretty bad had I really fucked something up
-I need to get away from Grandma
-My family in general is stressing me out (I spend more time doing shit for them than I do for myself and it's getting old) I need to learn to say no more often. I'd like to just move away...yeah, I'd be homesick, but I think that it would benefit the situation in the long run

I dunno just random shit in general is controlling the dome piece. I'm unwinding right now with a Wild Blue Blueberry Lager--havent had one in a hot minute. It's hittin' the spot. I feel out of sorts. Just off kilter in general. I want to eat everything in sight...I want to say fuck some Weight Watchers, even though I'm down almost thirteen pounds (meetings every monday)...

I have new starts tomorrow at work...my boss is going to be in Texas all week, but still available via cell and email...no biggie...

I really want to do the grad school thing...but then comes the issue of adding a minimum 25 grand to my already 50 grand in student loans... and I'm not guaranteed to be in a financial situation at that point to allow repayment...My mom and sister think I should just call the student loan people to work something out...I really want my MBA though, Jen is supportive of whatever I opt for which is awesome.

I want to scoop her up somedays...just pack our bags and vanish from the face of the earth. (at least around here)...she's new to this area still, only been here a year...I've been here 24 of my 28 years...I need new scenery. I've got a case of Cabin Fever for life in general. I need a plan. It's impossible for me to get ahead in life when I'm not sure where I want to be... I can't just wander around aimlessly and hope to stumble upon it...

The chicks that work at Subway commented how they noticed I was losing weight (mental note, cut back on subway, ha)... I gave my friend Julie a makeover the other day...I cut her hair and told her to start stylin' the shit and to lose the center part....I also waxed her eyebrow(s)...now she has two, lol with a killer arch.

Lil man rode with my mom to the movies today...Jen and I rode separate... I gave her a cd to play to keep him amused...she got out at the theatre cussing at me talking about, if you ever tell me to watch what I say around him (we all cus a lot so I'm always telling him to not say that...) after letting him listen to that music, I'm going to snap... My bad, I forgot to tell her not to play number 10 which is Sexy bitch instead of the radio edit (sexy chick)... lol... he loves singing Lady Gaga's Bad Romance right now.... and Shakira's she wolf, etc...we have a good time...but I digress.

Four thirty in the morning is going to get here early...time to call it a night. I'm so lame.

Anniversary Weekend Picture Highlights (Day 2)

2009-11-15T21:18:00.000-05:00

Baby Charley practices her gangsta lean on the beach with Mandi :)

Jen and lil man (mid air)

His mom is gonna have her hands full in a few years

Me and mom

Jen was loving the sand...

Did I mention I LOVE THE BEACH

I can't believe she has been able to put up with me THIS LONG... this is ground breaking :)

Kitty Hawk Kites... I dunno, just liked this pic... and there's the vagyna mobile in front... :)

the Mouse Trap.. I've always loved this cottage, it's one of the first houses when you hit Rodanthe, NC, but...WAY too close to the water

hello atlantic ocean...

Help I've fallen and I can't get up

I look way too serious here...